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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A lonely single Dad.

101 replies

TheKnightsWhoSayNi · 12/10/2015 18:54

At the age of 31, I find myself a single father to 3 kids, with a full time job, and mortgage and a complete waste of space for an ex. I'm sure there's more than a few of you here in the same predicament.

It's been nearly a year, and I feel I've made a lot of progress with my life. I've quit smoking, my bank account has never been healthier, I've gotten into such good shape that first time in my life I can see my abs, my kids are doing better in school amd are generally happier than they were when she was here, and now that she's not telling me I'm not allowed to I finally learned to drive and got a car, and without the stress of living with her I'm doing a lot better in work and got a nice pay rise as a result.

But, II just get lonely now. Especially since she effectively isolated me from my old friends, although I've reconnected with a couple of them and got in touch with my family again (who she also got rid of a while ago). Sometimes I feel like she was right and I'll never find anyone else and move on.

I don't get out much sincei don't want to leave my kids any one else more then is necessary now that it's just me, so I don't exactly get to meet new people very often. I hope I'm wrong, but it also seems that no woman I've met would go near a man of 31 with full custody of 3 kids. Please trek me I'm wrong about that. I've seen threads where it's been said that you wouldn't.

OP posts:
DisillusionedGoat · 12/10/2015 19:42

I totally admire any guy who is a LP

Do you also totally admire any woman who is a LP too? Hmm

Chillyegg · 12/10/2015 19:42

Well women can be cunts to you know and they can abuse. The op doesn't need to be victim blamed!

Op if I were you I'd join a club/society if you can . Enjoy time with your kids, family and friends, build on your self and figure out who you are. Then as others have said try online dating/meeting friends etc?

Good luck with it all

Chillyegg · 12/10/2015 19:44

Also what's all this I admire a male lp malarkey .?
There's plenty of female lp's just because of one's sex doesn't mean either one does a better job or its easier for one.

Lacoba66 · 12/10/2015 19:45

OP, you sound as though you are still dealing very much with the emotional fallout of your past relationship, let alone the practical side of things!

Take the loneliness that you say you feel out of the equation for one moment, how much 'you' time do you have? Perhaps if you find a hobby or arrange an evening out once a month, then that gives you something to look forward to- any lone parent needs to feel that they have a life outside of...

Best of luck.

LineyReborn · 12/10/2015 19:50

My OH didn't think he'd meet anyone else again. He was just resigned to it.

We kind of met through mutual friends. A friend who is a builder didn't want to let me down over some work he said he'd do in my house, but had to go away on a job, so sent his mate round instead. I opened the door... And there he was.

MrsWembley · 12/10/2015 19:54

The start of a beautiful story, Liney...Wink

There are many as beautiful. It could happen tomorrow, it could happen next year. But concentrate on you and your DCs for now. Then, when it does happen, you'll be ready.

CherryPicking · 12/10/2015 20:01

I'm a bit like the female you, OP, sort of. Recently my ex got a contact order, so he does have them EOW now.

I do try to get out and meet people, but I also wonder who's going to want a single mother of three in her 30s.

CainInThePunting · 12/10/2015 20:06

It sounds like you are making an effort with your appearance which is great but you have to learn to love yourself from the inside. Just get out and join activities, hobbies or sports which involve meeting people and making friends. As your social circle increases, so too will opportunities to meet someone special.
I try to think of things that I appreciate about myself rather than focus on the negatives of being a lone parent.
If you are not happy and confident in yourself people tend to sense that I think. It puts them off.
Good luck OP, you'll get there.

Trooperslane · 12/10/2015 20:13

Nothing to add op but you sound great - you've been through a hell of a lot of shit and I'm tempted to tell a few posters to fuck right off on your behalf.

Make sure you have time for yourself (I know that sounds nuts) and cherish your family and most importantly yourself.

Take care. I'm sure you'll get what you deserve - a lovely partner to share your life with.

wannabestressfree · 12/10/2015 20:20

I met my partner at work and he was/ is a single dad with 3 teenagers. We have taken it really slowly -.mostly as he had been on his own for six years and he was reluctant to get involved with anyone. I am a single mum to three too and we just click. We don't live together but will wait until they all fly the nest. It is hard but it sounds like you are doing a grand Job :)

Wotsitsareafterme · 12/10/2015 20:28

My last partner had residence of his dc - I found it appealing rather than off putting. Strength and parenting are attractive qualities!
You need to start but only if you have something to say to a new person that is about you and not your relationship breakdown

alicemalice · 12/10/2015 20:36

OP sure you will be fine and good luck to you.

But yes this thread does highlight the double standards towards male and female lone parents. Certain that many men don't find it admirable or appealing that a women is bring up her kids alone.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/10/2015 21:15

I've been a single mum for 6 years to DD with an ex who's idea of parenting was me taking her to him. I refused to do it any longer, then it went once every 6 weeks because his parents made the effort.

I havent had a date or had sex in those 6 years. Sometimes it's lonely but sometimes its nice having just me and DD to think about. After my ex headfucking me for 8 months, having just mine and DD's emotional needs to think about was just bliss. Maybe one day I'll seek a relationship but I dont feel like I want to now. He'd have to be pretty special to get me now.

Mermaidhair · 12/10/2015 21:24

You sound like you are doing everything right. You just need to get out there. Please ignore the unhelpful comments on here. People have their own issues that they project. For the record I think any single parents is amazing. And I also think any person that can leave an abusive relationship and thrive is amazing.

Wotsitsareafterme · 12/10/2015 21:27

Such a good post mermaidhair

Original poster
TheKnightsWhoSayNi · 12/10/2015 21:34

After 10 years of her using any means available to control everything (which I really didn't make difficult for her), I guess it will take time. Most of the time, I'm quite happy and get sound with life. But every now and then, I just think it'd be nice to have someone to share it with.

Nice to hear that I'm not the only. I mean, you know you're not but it's kind of nice to see others.

And everyone has a right to whatever opinion they want to express.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/10/2015 21:40

I think its a case of confidence Ni (Love the name btw) After a decade of that, it's gonna fracture your confidence a bit. Take time to learn about you again, do things you like. I've grown alot being on my own and have slowly learned to not listen to others bullshit.

My ex left me for someone else and mess with my head so bad that it destroyed my confidence. I'm still trying to get what I had back, but my life is turning around now finally.

Oly5 · 12/10/2015 21:54

I actually do find it hugely admirable when women bring up children alone. Ha ing kids is hard even with two happy parents living in the same house! Anyone who takes on all the parenting tasks alone gets respect from me

Oly5 · 12/10/2015 21:55

Ps I agree that strength and good parenting are really attractive qualities in a prospective mate!

Oly5 · 12/10/2015 21:59

Ifly... Yes you're right. Waste of space is not a good term. I was just expressing the OP's right to say he had had a shitty partner.. That some people can be rubbish partners

Shameandregret · 12/10/2015 22:17

I seem to be the female equivalent of you OP. 3 kids, tick. Abusive 10 year marriage left a year ago, tick. An ex who has his very significant issues, tick. In my 30's, tick.

I am lucky that I work in a sociable job one night a week and I dated a couple of men in their twenties and having 3dcs didn't seem to bother them. People generally like children you know! Not that they met mine but it doesn't put people off and if it did then They wouldn't be right would they?! It sounds like your self confidence needs looking at. Also get out there!! There's nothing wrong with having fun after 10 years of shit you know.

springydaffs · 13/10/2015 08:21

Have you done any reseaech on abusive relationships, ni? I don't know if you could do the Freedom Programme as it's geared for women but I would contact them to see what they can offer. I notice they have started a course for gay men so they are expanding. Have you had support from drug agencies, support groups like all-anon fur drug addicts? A friend of mine who has 2 addict children (bless her) goes to a support group for families of drug addicts.

I must admit I am initially wary of a man who has custody of the children - did he fight the mother for custody, was there a custody battle? Abusive men can do this as the ultimate way to hurt and control the mother. Obviously, this is not the case for everyone, there are any number of reasons the father can have custody, but I am wary bcs of my long experience in domestic abuse. I'd need to get the story.

It's only a year, ni. You will be negotiating all the shock and trauma of being in an abusive, controlling relationship, which is a biggie so go easy on yourself. Do you get any break from parenting eg grandparents, family etc? If possible, try to carve that out and give yourself the time to develop activities (groups?) eg walking/running/cycling groups (whatever is your thang), gingerbread, city socialiser, meet up etc.

I'm afraid I can't agree that 'someone will come along when you least expect it' bcs I find that rather a cliché that doesn't necessarily bear out at all imo. You have a lot of healing to do - and so do your children - so you may all need some more time. Make sure you all enjoy yourselves, whatever the future holds.

LovelyFriend · 13/10/2015 12:43

I'm a woman in a similar situation to you OP - I'd really like to ask you how you have managed to get fit? The hardest thing about my life these days is not having any time for the gym/pool and my fitness levels have taken a massive hit. How do you do it?

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 13/10/2015 12:50

" I actually do find it hugely admirable when women bring up children alone"

well you might, and that is good, but the vast majority of people think that single mothers are shit. Unlike single fathers who are just heroes.
I would run a mile from you OP, because you blame everything on your 'waste of space' ex. Nice.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 13/10/2015 12:53

Although I do like your username Grin