A lonely single Dad.

[TheKnightsWhoSayNi]

At the age of 31, I find myself a single father to 3 kids, with a full time job, and mortgage and a complete waste of space for an ex. I'm sure there's more than a few of you here in the same predicament.

It's been nearly a year, and I feel I've made a lot of progress with my life. I've quit smoking, my bank account has never been healthier, I've gotten into such good shape that first time in my life I can see my abs, my kids are doing better in school amd are generally happier than they were when she was here, and now that she's not telling me I'm not allowed to I finally learned to drive and got a car, and without the stress of living with her I'm doing a lot better in work and got a nice pay rise as a result.

But, II just get lonely now. Especially since she effectively isolated me from my old friends, although I've reconnected with a couple of them and got in touch with my family again (who she also got rid of a while ago). Sometimes I feel like she was right and I'll never find anyone else and move on.

I don't get out much sincei don't want to leave my kids any one else more then is necessary now that it's just me, so I don't exactly get to meet new people very often. I hope I'm wrong, but it also seems that no woman I've met would go near a man of 31 with full custody of 3 kids. Please trek me I'm wrong about that. I've seen threads where it's been said that you wouldn't.

Lovely - I got fit because I forced myself to get up an hour early for work. I put together a home gym using the power of e-bay and Cash Generator. It's possible because I don't have a lot to do after about 21:30.

Spring - you bring up an interesting point. I always feel the need to have to justify it to explain why this is the way things have turned out. The fact is that having full custody wasn't something I had much choice in. Social Services made it perfectly clear that they would never let her have custody.

Lisbeth - Possibly. But you have no idea whether I'm telling the truth or not. Perhaps calling her a "waste of space" is harsh, but she did just manage to spring another £1k of dept on me that she'd taken out in my name after leaving and spend on injecting herself with crack, amphetamine and a constant stream of weed, I am yet again annoyed with her.

I know it doesn't seem likely, or even possible, that she is totally to blame because that's not how relationships work. Perhaps I could have done things better, who knows. I don't know how.

she was injecting crack and weed? really?

Besides it is not 'custody' and has not been for a long time. Surely you would know this.

Sorry but I am taking this whole thread with a massive pinch of salt.

It is just that even in my druggiest days I never heard of anyone "injecting crack"

Although, if I listed the problems with her, imagine what you'd say if a bloke did that, I very much doubt you would tell me I should accept responsibility. No one should have to put up with the way she behaved. I tried as best I could, perhaps it wasn't good enough, but seriously. I shouldn't have put up with it as long as I did.

Don't know how she took the crack, really. I don't know much about that. I know she injects amphetamine. I assumed the same of that stuff, but I don't know that scene all that well.

Perhaps start with Dads' Clubs to meet other men who are full-time/lone/at home parents (our HV gave DH details of these), try and socialise with parents from your childrens' schools. That should give you more confidence or you might even meet someone that way, friend of a friend etc. It is also a good way to make friends who might babysit and allow you to have more ambitious nights out occasionally.

I should say, though. No, I do not claim to be perfect at all. I have flaws and I'm sure many of you wouldn't be able to live with me; but the same can be said of most people. I'm boring, I'm terrible at face to face confrontation, I never was very good at waking up in the middle of the night, I forget to put the bin out, I don't make friends easily and in the spirit of honesty don't have the best lasting power in bed (but try to make up for it by being very skilled at oral).

But really, is that important? I wasn't the one taking drugs, sleeping around and neglecting the kids.

As for "custody", call it a CAO if you want. I don't really know the difference in practical terms.

being a SP is lonely a lot of the time.

Sometimes I want to pack in my job, sell my flat and run off and join some kind of commune. I don't want/miss/need a relationship particularly, but the sense of physical isolation every night I find quite depressing. I say that as an introvert who is very happy with my own company. But I also really miss having someone to cook with and chat about the day etc - small things.

Good work re setting up the home gym - I don't have any space at all. I will be starting to cycle to work soon which will at least get a little exercise into my day.

Bloody hell, splitting hairs or what - back off Lisbeth. I also wouldn't know wtf ppl do with drugs but I do know an addict is a ROYAL pita when using. I'm not surprised op sums it all up with 'waste of space' bcs addicts try the patience of a saint, desecrating lives and relationships far and wide, destroying everything in their wake. Absolute pain on all fronts. Op is the one who has lost his hopes for the future (bcs his addict wife conclusively destroyed them) and has been left 'holding the baby', the last thing he expected. At first glance, 'waste of space' does indeed look off but once the details become clear his exasperation is justified imo.

What is with the venom on this thread? Honestly, I think as soon as a thread is identified as being written by a man, some women on here get out the microscope and start examining everything looking for trolls or assholes. Men are welcome here too, you know.

OP hasn't said or done anything wrong. He's feeling lonely - there's plenty of threads like this written by women. Try and offer a bit of support.

Lovely, you'd be surprised how little space it takes up. I have a bench that folds away and goes in the corner beside the TV along with a bar, dumbbells and a big pile of weight that I've slowly collected as I got better at it. A good recommendation if you're short on space is another part of it - I have the T25 Workouts. If you've ever heard of Insanity, it's very similar but each video is only 25 minutes. They were designed by an Olympic runner, and they really will work. I wouldn't advice every day like it says, though. Every other day and do each level a few times. You'll be in the best shape of your life.

Springy - Thanks. Obviously, there was a lot more to this story. the drugs were really the final stage in a lot of crap. I've been reluctant to use the term, but BPD is what keeps getting used. I tried being patient for the last 5 years of our marriage, but I couldn't take it much longer. It was actually a relief when she ran off with her boyfriend/dealer.

I think it is disgraceful to treat the OP as some people have.

But getting back to the problem in hand, I do think you should employ a babysitter and go out more. But before you start another relationship you should start rebuilding your social network. Have you tried to get back in touch with your family and old friends?

Another suggestion is a hobby that you can share with the children. We had a pony when my dd was young and there was a great atmosphere in the stables where we kept her.

My family got back in touch after they heard that she left and that relationship did thankfully get rebuilt. I've got some old friends back, but not all. Most people have moved on with their lives.

I know I need to get out more and build up a bit more of a social life. Which is something I'm not very good at, but I need to get over that.

Hey op. Fwiw I think you were very brace posting here and have handled the naysayers with aplomb.

Someone suggested a running club up thread. I think that's s great suggestion.

Brace? Brave!

My running club is full of women of all ages! I joined it thinking it would be good place to meet a man - oh no. 100s of women!!

OP, no one's mentioned looking at why you hooked up with someone with a possible personality disorder - why you felt that was all you were worth. Do some work on that too.

Owl, you're absolutely right. If you see my answer on the "did you have a happy childhood" thread, a bottle of posts from the end ATM, that will make sense. On top of that, yes, I knew she had problems. I didn't realise how deep they ran. Plus, I thought I'd found a kindred spirit back then. I was wrong.

The twats are out in force tonight, I see

OP my husband was a single dad when I met him, it didn't put me off.

Given it's only a year out for you though, you may need more time getting your head straight after an abusive relationship. You sound like you've already disentangled yourself mentally a great deal, which is brilliant.

From that it sounds like you have been 'worked on' OP - in terms of counselling etc, yes?

I'm not sure what that means, Owl.

I think owl is asking if you've had therapy/counselling/psychological support to address your past.

No. I've never had any. I've thought about it, but that past is long passed now. Old scars do fade, and I kind of figured it all out and moved on. But it explains why, more than 10 years ago, I wasn't very difficult to manipulate. Funny how the past year has been the first time in my life where I feel like I'm in control of things, standing up and actually finding I'm doing fine.

"OP, no one's mentioned looking at why you hooked up with someone with a possible personality disorder - why you felt that was all you were worth."

What a charming way to sum up people with personality disorders, OwlFeathersFluff

People with personality disorders are worth just the same as everyone else, and times have moved on from thinking they are untreatable nightmares.

Anyway, sorry to go off topic on your thread OP.

I think you sound great and like you are doing a great job at rebuilding your self esteem. I think counselling could help - not for any specific reason, but just because it can be really good to have a bit of space reserved totally for you to vent and pose questions and have a supportive adult there. I think this could be a useful thing to any lone parent but especially somebody who has come out of a toxic relationship.

Fwiw I am your age and would not be put off by a potential partner being a single parent. On the other hand anyone not stepping up and being there for their kids - I'd give them a swerve.

All the best OP!