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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New complicated relationship, advice please

66 replies

NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 14:40

So, I met new guy a few weeks ago online. He lives abroad in Europe but was visiting London for a few days; we got chatting and we seemed to click so we agreed to meet whilst he was here. Met for the day and completely hit it off. He has visited me in the UK once again and everything has been really great. Very early days but I can see there's something there and I could very easily fall for him.

Now, on to the complicated part. He separated about five months ago; currently lives alone and he's definitely single. He has a toddler DS and, this is where things get complicated, he is also expecting a second child with his XW. They split up and two weeks later she discovered she was pregnant. The new baby is due early next year.

Now, I completely believe him when he says that they're completely over and he's adamant he's not going there ever again (they had been on and off for a while before splitting up for good; which also bothers me tbh). That's ok and I believe him but having a new baby is such an emotional and intimately charged situation that I know it's going to be worrying me a lot come the time. On the other hand I admire that he's a committed father and wants to be there for his new DC whether together with his/her mother or not. There's also the fact that this would be a long distance relationship which is perfectly fine for me but would add another complicating factor (although, long term it would be possible to live in the same place with some careful planning). I have 3 young DC myself and come with baggage too.

On paper I would tell anyone to run like a wind from a situation like this and avoid the potential stress and heartache but, I have been on 40+ dates in the last two years and I know how difficult it is to find someone you connect with like this; we are extremely compatible in all levels. And he hasn't done anything wrong either.... just trying to make a decision before I'm in too deep really.

Thank you for any advice.

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 12/10/2015 14:47

I would struggle to deal with a) the limited time he'd have for me with a new baby b) the emotional issues of watching him stand by his ex-wife and support her when she has the new baby (of course that's exactly what he should do, but it would be tough for me to watch) c) potentially being a step-parent to the kids further down the line (read the step parents board for an insight into how tough that is) d) the fact that there would be no prospect of him moving nearer to me unless he was prepared to live far away from his kids, and I would be the one who had to move to him. Tough to see how things would work long term if you eventually want a committed relationship and to live together.

Handywoman · 12/10/2015 14:53

How can you be sure they're separated, OP?

Run.... Like the wind!!!!!!!

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 14:56

Thank you Vim; a. and b. are indeed in a nutshell my concerns. Mainly from an emotional standpoint. I do think this could be something great though so how do I walk away from something that could potentially be something amazing?

I have no ties in the UK at the moment and he lives in a great place so looking into moving there long term wouldn't be an issue. And I have DC too and unlikely at my age that I get together with someone without children himself so not a big issue either. It's just getting myself into a situation that could bring me real happiness but also major stresses....

OP posts:

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 14:57

We chat on the phone many evenings, I have just booked flights to go and visit him on his hometown in a couple of weeks and he's talking about meeting his close friends when there, so unlikely he is not separated.

OP posts:

Francoitalialan · 12/10/2015 15:01

Why did they separate? Unless it was something earth shattering on her part he needs to get his arse back there and Make It Right.

Run. Heartache lies your way with this man.

Finola1step · 12/10/2015 15:01

Can I be blunt? You refer to his wife as an XW. She's not. They are currently separated. She is pregnant with his child. This could get very messy.

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 15:04

Reason for separating was (according to him of course) MH issues on her part which made her really difficult to live with, extreme anger etc. They are only separated as the country they live in there's a legal requirement to live separately for 12 months before you can fill for divorce.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 12/10/2015 15:05

It's rare to really feel you connected with someone, but not so rare I'd bother with this! Sorry.

I don't you should "admire" him supporting his own child btw. I don't mean this as a personal go at you, but where have we gone so wrong that a single father gets kudos for simply being a responsible person as he should be? Nobody would say they "admire" the mother here. Sorry - a bit soap boxy and I know what you mean... But I guess I see it as an "absence of potential bad sign" rather than a "good sign".

I wouldn't make an effort to see him, though I might stay in verbal contact and just see how it works out getting to know him. Could make your decision for you - I've gone off people like that.

But unless all children were a year or two away from leaving home, I'd walk away from a relationship that required one or other parent to move country.

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 15:06

But yes, I agree it could get messy (hence me posting and trying to gather more advice on the situation). He hasn't done anything wrong though which makes it hard to walk away from something that could be great (especially after finding out by myself how hard it really is to find someone as compatible as he is)

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 12/10/2015 15:07

You DO have ties in the UK.
You have children!
Are yours a lot older than his then?

And I'm as soon as her MH gets thrown in as a reason for the split.

Cabrinha · 12/10/2015 15:08

Men are like buses though - you'll have 40 go nowhere dates, then meet 3 in a row you like
Hope he's just the first of a choice of 3 for you!

Francoitalialan · 12/10/2015 15:08

He hasn't done anything wrong? He's walked out on his wife, who is pregnant and his child as a result of her being ill. What a catch.

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 15:09

Cabrinha - I used 'admire' mainly based on my own XH, he couldn't be less bothered to see or care for his DC so when I find a father who cares as he should for his kids, that's a huge plus for me.

OP posts:

Handywoman · 12/10/2015 15:11

Yep me too - she's crazy is she It's a bit suss, that - sorry.

Cabrinha · 12/10/2015 15:11

That's my point though - please don't see it as a "huge plus" just because it's a hell of a lot better than an arse of an ex.
It's not a huge plus - it's normal.

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 15:11

He hasn't walked out on his 'ill' pregnant wife. They didn't know he was pregnant when they decided to split and they've been having issues for a couple of years, hence being on and off.

Children would come with me were I to move of course.

Good to read your almost unanimous opinions, lots to think about.....

OP posts:

Handywoman · 12/10/2015 15:13

What your saying about the fact that he's a responsible parent being so amazing, merely indicates that your boundaries and standards are 'off'. It means you should be even more careful, not gushing in admiration.

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 15:13

He never said she was crazy, just that she had issues with her temper and a history of severe mental illness. He has never cited her MH as the reason for the split, but their constant fighting.

OP posts:

stitchglitched · 12/10/2015 15:14

I don't think any man is worth potentially involving your young children in this mess, no matter how compatible you are. I'm also suprised that he has time to be pursuing new romantic relationships with a toddler to care for and an unwell pregnant wife to support. That should be the last thing on his mind.

trian · 12/10/2015 15:14

i know the feeling of "date fatigue" that you describe, but tbh honest that wouldn't influence my feelings about this man.

So they'd been on and off for a while.....as soon as you start being "on and off", ie, unsure of the relationship, you make damn sure that you use very good contraception. There's no exact detail about timescales in your post so I suppose it's possible that she got pregnant before they started being "on and off", which isn't a great sign anyway that the pair of them are that lax about children that they've made a baby and not known about it for a while (there are so many things you're meant to do/not do from day 1 of pregnancy if not before).
I do feel for you tho, I've been single for a few years now, and for various reasons that doesn't look likely to change any time soon, I think by the time I start trying to date again, it'll be a nightmare, it wasn't that great the first time round!
good luck xxxx

Baconyum · 12/10/2015 15:15

I agree with Franco he sounds like an unsympathetic irresponsible arse! Plus they've had separations in the past and got back together. Plus you barely know him and you're already talking about emigrating, uprooting your dc and disrupting their lives!

No. Sounds like a mess and your dc come first.n

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 15:15

I am not gushing on admiration Handywoman, just stating the fact that to me he's a good father and that's a good point. I have dismissed many previous dates because they didn't see their children often or cancelled plans with them to see me which I thin it's completely wrong, so my boundaries and standards are perfectly fine.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 12/10/2015 15:17

Op, only you can know whether or not you could make this work in the long-term. Even the distance makes this complicated, add a young child and an expected baby into the equation and the next few years are unlikely to be an easy ride.

Personally I couldn't deal with the emotional commitment needed to the xw and the new baby etc, the knowledge that he was expecting a child with someone else etc, but that is just me and others would see it differently.

All that being said, there have been numerous threads on here from women over the years who are pregnant and embarking on new relationships, and people don't seem to judge them, so I'm not sure why it should be different for a woman becoming involved with a man whose ex is pregnant.

What you need to ask yourself is whether the connection you have really outweighs all the complications of a potential future. It would be far easier to walk away at this stage than a year or two down the line when there are real feelings involved, so think about the possibility really and see which is more likely - a long-term committed relationship which will just need a few hurdles to make it work? or a relationship where the complications make for a potentially insurmountable situation.

You needing to be the one who moves isn't necessarily an issue if it isn't for you, as long as you are clear about that from the outset. Invariably in a ldr someone has to move, I am in a ldr and my dp lives about three hours from here. I am not able to move because of my ds, but I was clear about that from the outset and dp is hoping to move here if he can get a job here, but in the meantime we make it work anyway by seeing each other weekends, holidays etc.

I have to take exception to this from a PP:

"Why did they separate? Unless it was something earth shattering on her part he needs to get his arse back there and Make It Right." would it be ok to say that to a woman who had left a relationship and then found out she was pregnant? no didn't think so. A baby is not enough of a valid reason to stay in a relationship - it just isn't. This is no different for a man than for a woman....

Cabrinha · 12/10/2015 15:18

Anyway, I'm not sure it helps to debate whether he is good guy or bad guy. Because we don't know, and OP doesn't know. And he could be great.

But I think for me, the thing is that if he is great, it's probably just too much complication.

Baconyum · 12/10/2015 15:19

Ugh please don't do 'ill' in reference to mental illness. Mental illness is just as much a real illness as eg diabetes. I found that offensive.

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