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Original poster

New complicated relationship, advice please

66 replies

NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 14:40

So, I met new guy a few weeks ago online. He lives abroad in Europe but was visiting London for a few days; we got chatting and we seemed to click so we agreed to meet whilst he was here. Met for the day and completely hit it off. He has visited me in the UK once again and everything has been really great. Very early days but I can see there's something there and I could very easily fall for him.

Now, on to the complicated part. He separated about five months ago; currently lives alone and he's definitely single. He has a toddler DS and, this is where things get complicated, he is also expecting a second child with his XW. They split up and two weeks later she discovered she was pregnant. The new baby is due early next year.

Now, I completely believe him when he says that they're completely over and he's adamant he's not going there ever again (they had been on and off for a while before splitting up for good; which also bothers me tbh). That's ok and I believe him but having a new baby is such an emotional and intimately charged situation that I know it's going to be worrying me a lot come the time. On the other hand I admire that he's a committed father and wants to be there for his new DC whether together with his/her mother or not. There's also the fact that this would be a long distance relationship which is perfectly fine for me but would add another complicating factor (although, long term it would be possible to live in the same place with some careful planning). I have 3 young DC myself and come with baggage too.

On paper I would tell anyone to run like a wind from a situation like this and avoid the potential stress and heartache but, I have been on 40+ dates in the last two years and I know how difficult it is to find someone you connect with like this; we are extremely compatible in all levels. And he hasn't done anything wrong either.... just trying to make a decision before I'm in too deep really.

Thank you for any advice.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 12/10/2015 15:20

How often does he have his toddler then?

EnglishWeddingGuest · 12/10/2015 15:20

I hope that life is as it seems here but I wouldn't trust this man unless I met his wife and heard it from her

What's a good man with a toddler and baby in the way with a supposedly separated wife with "mental health" issues doing online dating in a separate country to where he lives ?

Looks like easy pickings and a story that can't be verified - sorry

Original poster
NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 15:21

you're already talking about emigrating, uprooting your dc and disrupting their lives. I am not; just answering questions I have been asked by a PP.

Good point Trian about their lax attitude to contraception especially knowing that they weren't strong together.

Thinking I should just forget about it, or perhaps just stay in touch for the time being and see how things develop in a few months time....

OP posts:
wannaBe · 12/10/2015 15:28

Thinking about who would need to be the one who moves and the potential to do that is wise especially in the beginning of a new relationship, because if a relationship is to go anywhere and casual dating isn't your thing there is no point investing emotionally in something which has no future.

I know people who have met people online who are e.g. in the US etc and are then left heartbroken a year down the line when it transpires that neither is either able or willing to be the one who moves, thus meaning that while a long distance relationship is great for the time being, that's all it will ever be. A lot of heartbreak is saved by being practical from the outset, but often people see thinking about moving in together etc and the potential for that as moving too fast. It isn't, it's thinking about the practicalities, something which need to be considered more when you're becoming involved with someone who doesn't live locally.

Original poster
NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 15:30

I'll try to answer those points raised ....

I was the one who first contacted him online after he looked at my profile. He was in the UK at the time and we just met. He wasn't 'fishing' for women abroad.

The 'ill' term... I only used inverted commas to quote a PP. MH is as much of an illness as any other. Definitely not the offensive connotation that you were implying Baconmum.

He sees his toddler every other week; very easy to synch with my free alternate weekends without my DC.

WannaBe - thank you and I agree, it's the emotional commitment to his XW that scares me the most. LDR doesn't; the UK is not my home country anyway and I have moved around a fair bit so not a huge issue really.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 15:33

Yes exactly. Not planning on upping sticks for someone I have met a few weeks ago but I (and him) definitely needed to know whether long term there was a chance that it would work and both be in the same location. No one likes to waste their time on something that from the onset it's not going to go anywhere.

OP posts:
ItchyArmpits · 12/10/2015 15:47

we are extremely compatible in all levels.

No, you've had two good dates. Better than two crap dates, admittedly.

Proceed with extreme caution.

Work hard on protecting your own feelings at this point. If anything is going to get this man back together with his DW, it will be the arrival of the new child. Don't make plans, don't imagine the future, don't fall in love until well after the child is born and they have settled into a separated routine, and this man finds, that even with two small DC and a mentally unwell ex-wife, that he has time for a new relationship with a woman from a different country with 3 DC of her own.

I'd carry on meeting other people in the meantime, IIWY.

CanalTrip · 12/10/2015 15:48

Who knows? It could work but it's definitely a high risk situation. It will be interesting to see if they get divorced after the required 12 month wait.

Original poster
NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 15:52

Very sound advice Itchy thank you and it sounds just like the best option at this point. Not difficult to keep my barriers up only seeing each other every two weeks for the weekend. It will be an effort not to fall for him the way things have gone so far but doable, at least until they are settled in a routine and things are clearer. Who knows, one of us might not want to continue seeing the other once we start getting to know each other more.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 12/10/2015 16:35

it really is far too complicated. Even one of those would be a major complication..

Different countries
(Different cultures? Even if he's European, don't think or cultures are more or less the same!)
You both have kids in your country
Moving lock stock with your kids to HIS country - notoriously risky
He's still married!
Only just, by a whisker, separated
She's pg!
He says she has mh issues - hmmmm

You've only just met! As hard as it is, I would walk away before you get too invested. Take it as encouragement that it IS possible to meet someone you click with.

Sorry, op. Bugger bugger BUGGER

RiceCrispieTreats · 12/10/2015 16:51

This is a brand new romantic relationship, and you already describe it as "complicated".

Relationships that we have the luxury to choose (so, our friends and lovers), are the ones that should make us feel comfortable and contented. "Complicated" is reserved for those relationships that we wouldn't choose to be in, but that we are stuck with, because they're our granddad or our neighbour or something else that's inescapable.

Why are you choosing a relationship that brings you stress and uncertainty?

Original poster
NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 17:08

Bugger indeed Springy.

You all make a lot of sense ... definitely need to do some thinking. Shame, I have a gut feeling it could have been really great Sad

OP posts:
Handywoman · 12/10/2015 17:18

And what about your dc and their relationship with their df if you were to (eventually) move countries?

ivykaty44 · 12/10/2015 17:21

Thing is the new baby may bring a new on part to their relationship, whereas they are on an off part now.

Nothing like a new baby to make him reevaluate his life with her and try again.

He may even ask to try again

If you can sever contact now and move on, not easy though

Original poster
NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 17:24

It wouldn't be an issue Handywoman, I'm in fact commencing court proceedings to gain permission to leave the UK with DC; I'm not British and completely alone here with zero network support, life is very challenging at times. Moving back home is a major possibility in the next couple of years so getting the legal aspect of it sorted now. There will be a move away from the UK anyway for the DC and I at some point in the next couple of years.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 17:25

Yes Ivy that's exactly my biggest concern. ...

OP posts:
wannaBe · 12/10/2015 17:30

I agree that a baby could change things completely between them. For me it would feel a bit like falling for someone who you know is still in love with someone else, and there might be a risk they might come back and things for you would change. I just couldn't do it.

happyending14 · 12/10/2015 17:31

You don't have support here you say but your children go to their father every other weekend which allows you the freedom to start a relationship with a man in another country.

It does sound complicated I'm afraid.

Original poster
NoMoreMrRight · 12/10/2015 17:35

Yes happy every other weekend they go to him but other than there's zero support from him or anyone else outside of those two days. A&E trips, emergencies, running late home from a meeting. ... no one to help even though he lives 10 mins away.

I do agree that it's a complicated situation, and unless I can stay detached and just see it as a fun weekend thing until things are settled with the new baby I think I'll be stopping it.

OP posts:
OwlFeathersFluff · 12/10/2015 18:28

Sounds crazy to me OP. He doesn't sound muchnof a catch either.

trian · 13/10/2015 12:11

Thanks OP. good luck either way though xxxxxx

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 13/10/2015 12:28

For someone you've only just met you're putting a lot of pressure on this situation if you're already thinking about the logistics of moving countries.

I met my DP 3 years ago, we still don't live together and probably won't for another 10 years due to the logistics of moving children. Neither of us think that our desire to spend time together should take priority over our DCs' happiness and stability in their own home/school.

I appreciate that your XH has let you and your DCs down by not being more involved with them, maybe this is shaping your desire to up sticks and move away, but this shouldn't be something that is done on a whim to be with a man you've only just met.

The honeymoon period can last for months, with real issues not really rearing their head until well into the relationship. Differences in parenting style, disparities in income, priorities where DCs/exes are involved, these all take a toll on even the happiest relationship.

If you like this guy, by all means keep in touch, but you really shouldn't be thinking about moving in together in THIS country, let alone another one, for at least a year. You have no idea what his life will be like once the new baby arrives, whether it might be the catalyst for a new start or the beginning of a new wave of illness and upset for his wife.

Stay well out of it, keep on looking for a less complicated Mr Right and if it's meant to be, you'll find a way to make it happen, but there's no way you can know that already.

experiencedhider · 13/10/2015 12:39

Agree with RiceCrispieTreats - and most other posters actually. This is a lot of pressure on a new relationship.

Original poster
NoMoreMrRight · 13/10/2015 17:39

Thank you Mark, lots of valid points but once again, I'm not planning on moving in with him abroad or in the UK!! A previous poster asked about feasibility of living together in the long term and I answered. No one's moving anywhere! !

I do agree that it's a lot of pressure on a new relationship, and that's why I have decided to keep meeting up over the next few months, keeping my barriers up (shouldn't be hard given the distance and my distrust of men at the moment after two years of disastrous OLD) and reevaluate next year. I've had some horrid months in general lately so a few fun weekends will do me good Grin

OP posts:
TRexingInAsda · 13/10/2015 18:07

I think you're mad to even think of getting involved with this person. His wife is pregnant FFS!! You will be shedding tears over this. Firstly, he will not have the time or the emotional energy to make a long distance relationship work while he's working and being a responsible father to a toddler and a new baby, and something will have to give. Secondly they clearly haven't been split for long, they may get back together. Then there's the red flag of him saying 'but my ex had MH issues - it might be true, but more often men come out with it when it's not true just to make her look bad and him look better or more justified in leaving. Of course you don't want to think that at this stage of the relationship, but take the rose tinted specs off.

Your 'relationship' has car crash written all over it. And if you're thinking 'but what if he's the one', well then it's the wrong time, speak to him in a few years when he's in a position to have a new relationship and you can judge his character better based on his behaviour in the meantime.

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