New complicated relationship, advice please

[NoMoreMrRight]

So, I met new guy a few weeks ago online. He lives abroad in Europe but was visiting London for a few days; we got chatting and we seemed to click so we agreed to meet whilst he was here. Met for the day and completely hit it off. He has visited me in the UK once again and everything has been really great. Very early days but I can see there's something there and I could very easily fall for him.

Now, on to the complicated part. He separated about five months ago; currently lives alone and he's definitely single. He has a toddler DS and, this is where things get complicated, he is also expecting a second child with his XW. They split up and two weeks later she discovered she was pregnant. The new baby is due early next year.

Now, I completely believe him when he says that they're completely over and he's adamant he's not going there ever again (they had been on and off for a while before splitting up for good; which also bothers me tbh). That's ok and I believe him but having a new baby is such an emotional and intimately charged situation that I know it's going to be worrying me a lot come the time. On the other hand I admire that he's a committed father and wants to be there for his new DC whether together with his/her mother or not. There's also the fact that this would be a long distance relationship which is perfectly fine for me but would add another complicating factor (although, long term it would be possible to live in the same place with some careful planning). I have 3 young DC myself and come with baggage too.

On paper I would tell anyone to run like a wind from a situation like this and avoid the potential stress and heartache but, I have been on 40+ dates in the last two years and I know how difficult it is to find someone you connect with like this; we are extremely compatible in all levels. And he hasn't done anything wrong either.... just trying to make a decision before I'm in too deep really.

Thank you for any advice.

Not 'a lot' of pressure - far too much pressure.

Also, how's it going to be for her if he starts parading his new girlf around right under her nose - when their bed is still warm and she is pg/has a new baby.

What sort of man would move on that quickly? Right under her nose?

Have read whole thread again.

You're the only one who put ill in commas and I'm still offended by that.

You only have what he's told you to go on anyway and you hardly know him he could well be lying about his separation, wife's mh (and leaving someone because they're ill is disgusting anyway) and his good father status.

If there weren't children involved and a woman who needs support not rejection and possibly a cheating husband I'd say you deserve each other!

Hiding this thread as its making me very angry.

Wow Bacon there's so much angst on your message that I really don't know where to start. Especially when you (and I for that matter) know nothing about the woman in question, what support she has or not in place or even the causes for their split. I don't like the tone on your message, it's unnecessarily nasty and uncalled for.

I only came here asking opinions on whether I should continue seeing this single person or not who I have recently met. I had initial concerns hence me posting, and since reading all PP comments I have said that I'll either not see him or will take it as a casual thing for the time being. Hardly fucking a grubby married man who has abandoned his pregnant wife as you're implying Bacon.

I thank all the others PP and your constructive comments, you've made me realise it would be more hassle than it's worth and I will act accordingly as noted upthread.

You are in fantasy land. You have no idea whether you'd be compatible or not. The challenges would be huge. Why bother?

So you're in the process of trying to leave the UK with your DC (what ages are they?) against their father's wishes? To go to your home country and possibly in future to where your new love interest lives? You don't seem to be considering the DCs' potential feelings about leaving the UK and then later leaving your home country (assuming you'd live there a few years before moving to this man's country), impact on their education, friendships and so on. It's all a romantic bubble.

He doesn't sound like father of the year to me.

He was clearly thinking about finding a new relationship when visiting the UK (when his W was pregnant) or he wouldn't have been on dating sites.

He isn't exactly single, he's married and separated with a pregnant wife. What proportion of the time is his toddler with him?

I'm afraid the crazy wife would ring alarm bells for me. Even if it's true looking for a new relationship while you pregnant wife suffers MH difficulties doesn't exactly say anything good about him does it.

Hardly fucking a grubby married man who has abandoned his pregnant wife as you're implying Bacon.
To be fair, it is a bit like that though, isn't it? I mean, just on the bare facts of it, as supplied by him. And given that he's your only source of info, it may well be exactly this.

OP in my, admittedly limited, experience of ldrs, the distance extends the honeymoon period but not in a good way. You see the best of them and fall for them, whilst any wankerishness stays hidden until after you're well and truly hooked.
Be careful. You're not seeing the full picture. That picture might be good or bad, but at the moment it's a guess.

Far to complicated for a new relationship.

It should be all fun and enjoyment at the start, not angsting and trying to see how to make it work.

If it is like this now what about when things are not so new and more stressful?

I would personally take it as two good dates and look for someone who is more free.

I would also not want to be with someone newly separated and a child on the way, I would not want to be involved when they could possibly make a family work for their sakes and to avoid my own heartache if they decided too despite their words now.

Better for you to end it and enjoy some more good dates (and likely some boring too).

Is he from an English speaking country? Can you work there, how are you going to live?

I don't know enough about him to judge him.

He left her before he knew she was pregnant. MH issues can be a good reason to leave someone, if they aren't getting help and they are taking out their anger on you. I say that as someone who is married to a man with a severe mental health illness. So the poster who said it is disgusting to leave someone when they are unwell, actually sometimes it's exactly what needs to happen to protect yourself. I can't judge him based on the limited information given. He might be an arsehole and he might be a decent guy, who knows.

However, this stage is meant to be the easiest part, and ime if it starts off really complicated it isn't going to get any easier. You don't know him well at all; you might not be as compatible as you think.

I would cut your losses now.

Um, no. Just no. And no some more.

1. Still married
2. Pregnant "ex"
3. Was he the cause of her extreme anger issues by any chance?
4. Obviously a bit of a quick bed hopper, at the least, if not still married, expecting a child and wife thinks this is business travel.
5. Blending two families at some point.
6. Moving your children from their dad or their dad from his children. Not great either way.
7. You're obviously a bit vulnerable yourself, and looking for an escape.

But you seem determined to continue to see him, and have batted away most posters concerns. So you are already emotionally invested, and et defensive when people seriously question this relationship. So, realistically, the chances of you successfully keeping your defences up are slim to zero, as he's evidently already under your skin.

So I am tempted to say that this was exercise was a bit of a pretend one, so you can justify your decision as sensible and reasonable to others or yourself down the line.

Or, "Christ on a bike, there's one born every minute".

I reread your op and see you have only met him twice and one of those times was your first date!

If you do decide to see him, take it very slowly. Booking flights to meet someone for a third date? Personally I wouldn't bother.

I'd be very wary of a man straight out of a marriage, who then found out his wife was expecting, jumping straight into online dating.

They were having sex virtually up to the time he left her, doesn't exactly strike me as a man of morals.

Honestly, op, I cringe at some of the men I have been sooooo in love/infatuation with. Talk about love is blind.

Was he on tinder then? Visiting the UK and had a look who was available in the locality?

At the end of the day, with all LDR someone has to move. You both have kids with ex partners who are involved and set in established and frequent visiting patterns. If you look at some recent court judgements, those parents who seek to leave to join a new partner abroad with no other support network are not usually successful. So would he be prepared to move to the UK or your home country and potentially leave his DC? That's the bottom line.

I'm not Mystic Meg but I can tell you now, this is not going to end well.