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Original poster

Why can he move on so fast and I can't

63 replies

Beigewalls80 · 11/10/2015 21:36

I'm trying so hard to figure out why I am so upset by this but in a nutshell my over a decade long relationship ended 3 months ago at my instigation and we have remained in contact. On Friday he messages me to say that he wanted to let me know that he has met someone and she is his girlfriend. They met on Wednesday and by Friday had decided to be a couple.

I am just so shocked by my reaction, I have cried all weekend and I don't understand why?! I do not want to be with him and I think deciding he is in a relationship after 2 days is unhinged but I just can't shake the sheer devastation I feel?!

I'm nowhere near ready to move on, we spent 10 years of our lives together and I just can't turn my feelings off like that.

Is it a male/female thing? I still feel loyal to him and can't imagine being with anyone else yet.

It really really hurts that he can go from txting me on Sunday saying how much he loves me and misses me to on Friday I have a girlfriend. He says he wasn't looking for anything but it took him by surprise. What?!

I'm so shocked by my reaction, it just feels too soon and such an absurd situation. But is this just the final stage of me grieving what was as my friend tells me?

OP posts:
SoleBizzzz · 11/10/2015 21:46

Maybe he thinks this might win you back.

SoozeyHoozey · 11/10/2015 21:49

Rebound probably. Also some people hate being alone and will move onto someone/anyone to avoid it.

tunnockt3acake · 11/10/2015 21:53

You said the relationship ended 3 months ago

There is no reason why you both cannot have friends or girlfriends or boyfriends

He is an EX

If you dont have children together cut all contact & make a clean break

PurplePoppy17 · 11/10/2015 22:07

I would cut contact, go out and treat yourself with your girls and let your hair down. Enjoy yourself and you will soon realise that there is better men out there. I think he is possibly going so fast as its a rebound and I'd give it a couple of weeks or months and he'll be back in contact with you, for you to then realise that actually... He isn't all that and that you can and will do better. I went out with a guy for 2 years, (not long really) but we ended up being 'friends with benefits' for 4 years afterwards and he treated me like utter crap. He didn't want me but he didn't want anyone else to have me. He had gf's through out but as soon as I got close to anyone he always found a way of ruining it for me. I ended up getting a bf (his best pal) we didn't tell him at first as it was just a bit of fun. But he made me feel so wanted, one thing I had never felt with my ex. Now I have realised that what I thought was 'love' with my ex was actually nothing at all, I was just young and dumb I suppose. Now I am in love with my mr right in a nice house with a baby on the way. There are happy endings if your willing to let go of the past. Good luck!! Xx

pocketsaviour · 11/10/2015 22:08

It really really hurts that he can go from txting me on Sunday saying how much he loves me and misses me to on Friday I have a girlfriend.

Why have you allowed him to keep texting you and declaring his love, when the relationship had ended?

My cynical head says he's been trying that in the hope that you would take him back, but he's actually had this other woman in the picture for some time. Either that or it's classic rebound. 2 days?!

BearFoxBear · 11/10/2015 22:09

Why shouldn't he have a gf? You didn’t want to be with him, so that's the end of it, you have to move on too.

PitilessYank · 12/10/2015 02:41

It would be better for you to not know what he is doing-this proves that. Block his number and his texts, etc.

You are taking time to heal, not jumping into something else: good for you.

Phoenix69 · 12/10/2015 04:49

Rebound.

If he can't have you he will have someone else and make sure you know about it.

Is there any reason why you want to be in touch with him? If not block his number.

JeanSeberg · 12/10/2015 05:26

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to get over this relationship. Ten years is a long time together and 3 months is nothing in terms of 'getting over' it.

However, I do think you need to go no contact or if you have children keep it strictly child-related.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 12/10/2015 06:22

Why are you still having that kind of contact? You don't need to know either that he still loves you or that he has met someone. That level of contact is holding you back from moving on.

Shutthatdoor · 12/10/2015 06:29

You ended the relationship.

He is moving on as should you.

Spartans · 12/10/2015 07:16

I don't think 3 months is too fast, given the situation. Yes he had made attempts at winning you back, probably thought you may come round. But has met someone else and decided to pursue that relationship rather than keep attempting to win you over.

It probably is a rebound and may not last, but it may go the distance. Too early to tell.

You ended the relationship, he can do what he wants really. You reaction to me say that you quite enjoyed the attention he was still giving you, even though your broke up with him. Personally I would have cut contact with an ex who was texting me that sort of thing after we split.

Cabrinha · 12/10/2015 07:42

Concentrate on your own feelings, not his.

Almost everyone I've ever dated I've decided immediately whether they're my boyfriend or not.
This dating/waiting period seems fairly new (and post the huge increase of OLD) to me. In the old days, we didn't have exclusivity conversations - you meet someone, you like them, you arrange another meet - then they're your boyfriend, no conversations needed.
That he has decided she's his girlfriend in 2 days is, to me, meaningless.

Could be rebound, might not be - not your business.

And I've certainly done the thing where you're still mooching about the ex (like his messages to you on the Sunday) and then someone else pops up and you think "oh, this is cool, maybe I'll live afterall".

I'm my experience, my male friends have moved on faster - a bit more practical, much less time wailing and angsting about it (than me Blush)

It's been 3 months. You need to stop thinking about him.

ravenmum · 12/10/2015 08:22

I can understand that you are upset to know he's apparently "already over you", but I find it harder to understand that you still feel loyal to him. You might not feel like finding someone else right now (it might even be better not to yet) but you could if you wanted to. You've ended it and don't owe him anything any more.

Having said that, I don't think your friend is right either. The END of the grieving process after just three months? You've probably still got a good bit of processing to go through yet. Not that everything is going to feel dreadful for ages. It gets gradually better but it's perfectly normal to still have a bad day years later, depending on how traumatic it was.

Your ex was quick to hook up with someone but I notice he was even quicker to tell you. Did he say he thought it was his duty to tell you before you heard it from someone else, as he cares such a lot about you that he didn't want you to be hurt? Because it sounds more like he is just very keen to prove that he is not a moping failure who's been rejected, but a fine example of a man who has women falling at his feet. (Not necessarily something he's consciously aware of, but maybe something going on in his subconscious...)

My experience tells me that if someone's behaviour and the reasons given for it seem really weird and incomprehensible, then that's because the reasons are not true, or you don't know the whole story.

Lweji · 12/10/2015 08:32

I've lost a longer message, but:

He's probably trying to make you want him back, because he wants to feel like he's in control again.

Just reply: good for you, will you stop pestering me now?

Original poster
Beigewalls80 · 12/10/2015 08:37

Thank you everyone for replying, I can see there is a range of opinions on this.

We stayed in contact I guess because we still have love for each other plus live in the same area and have the same friends after 10 years together.

To clarify I did tell him to stop with the love messages.

It's so hard to cut someone out of your life after 10 years, we always had such a great friendship as the basis for our relationship.

Of course he can have a girlfriend, he doesn't owe me anything. I was just so surprised by my emotional response that I was trying to figure out where it had come from.

Thank you so much everyone for your advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Beigewalls80 · 12/10/2015 08:39

Ravenmum- yes that is exactly what he said as the reason for telling me!

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 12/10/2015 08:55

As Cahbrina says, it might be a rebound, it might not, but it's not your business.

I got together with my dh a week after his ex ended it with him after 7 years. He was devastated at first, but when we met it all happened really quickly. When his ex found out 3 months later (when he went to collect some things that had been left at their house) she went ballistic, said it was a rebound etc. 5 years later we're married with a son. The point is that it's nobody's business but his whether this new relationship lasts or not, it's up to him to live his life, and you won't do yourself any favours if you can't let go.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 12/10/2015 09:16

Honestly? You sound a bit jealous. Do you think maybe you don't want him, but you still want him to want you? Did you enjoy his loving messages? Did you perhaps feel like he was your safety net, and that's changed so you're only NOW realising that you're on your own?

Joysmum · 12/10/2015 09:20

Gosh there are some unfeeling people on here!

Nobody is saying they shouldn't move on or find new relationships, but understandably there will be strong feelings still to grieve for what could have been and what was.

It's unhealthy to deny those feelings and being jumped on for expressing them is hardly supportive.

TheBitchOfDestiny · 12/10/2015 09:21

9 years ago i ended an 8 year relationship, we were married, we had a baby together. he cried and begged for days, promising the earth trying to get me to change my mind and take him back

a few weeks later he was going out with someone else and "madly in love" ...i was so hurt and angry, even though i didn't want him back, i just felt it showed that actually our relationship was a total lie, he was a liar with all his tears and begging. i was glad to be out of it as his actions proved he didn't actually care much about me, just wanted the security of a relationship, i was right to get rid of him

i don't know why men do this but i have seen it happen loads

Original poster
Beigewalls80 · 12/10/2015 09:24

I don't think I'm jealous but maybe I am.

I am honestly so shocked by my reaction to it. I think up until now I have been the one in control with everything to do with the split and now he has taken control back and I feel a bit lost. I have been feeling so guilty over how sad he was so I guess I can let go of that now.

I genuinely wish the best for him though it was just a shock when he told me because I wasn't expecting it I guess.

God breakups are so incredibly heartbreaking and hard in so many ways I didn't fully appreciate until going through it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beigewalls80 · 12/10/2015 09:27

Joysmum and Thebitchofdestiny -
Thank you! I appreciate your comments. Because it does really hurt and of course I am moving on but it's not straightforward and it's definitely not something that happens overnight

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 12/10/2015 09:38

I hope I wasn't coming over as unfeeling? I think jealousy is normal! Secretly, I would prefer all my exes to stay in suspended animation forever, going to bed with my photo under their pillow, and calling out my name in their sleep... They never comply, though. Selfish tossers. :-)

It's normal to feel a bit put-out when a previously devoted partner moves on. It's human. And being the one to instigate a break-up is HARDER than being dumped, because you have the possibility of regretting the decision. He didn't have a choice in this, so it's easier for him to put it behind him. But you can think, "Did I do the wrong thing?"

In your relationship, I'm guessing he was reliable, steady, expressive -- you always knew he was nuts about you. That was maybe one of the reasons you finished things, because you'd lost interest. He was too nice? Now he suddenly seems more attractive because another woman has seen qualities in him that you'd forgotten. He seems more elusive now, a bit sexier, more independent.

It's normal! Just don't act on it. As soon as you get him back, you'll remember why you finished things.

All your feelings of pique are natural and they'll only last until you get a new BF. I wouldn't sweat it. Good for him for moving on, really.

CrumbledFeta · 12/10/2015 09:41

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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