Why can he move on so fast and I can't

[Beigewalls80]

I'm trying so hard to figure out why I am so upset by this but in a nutshell my over a decade long relationship ended 3 months ago at my instigation and we have remained in contact. On Friday he messages me to say that he wanted to let me know that he has met someone and she is his girlfriend. They met on Wednesday and by Friday had decided to be a couple.

I am just so shocked by my reaction, I have cried all weekend and I don't understand why?! I do not want to be with him and I think deciding he is in a relationship after 2 days is unhinged but I just can't shake the sheer devastation I feel?!

I'm nowhere near ready to move on, we spent 10 years of our lives together and I just can't turn my feelings off like that.

Is it a male/female thing? I still feel loyal to him and can't imagine being with anyone else yet.

It really really hurts that he can go from txting me on Sunday saying how much he loves me and misses me to on Friday I have a girlfriend. He says he wasn't looking for anything but it took him by surprise. What?!

I'm so shocked by my reaction, it just feels too soon and such an absurd situation. But is this just the final stage of me grieving what was as my friend tells me?

I have definitely not kept in touch to get a kick out of leading him on. No way.

My feelings just still feel entwined with his and him so him moving on feels shocking if that makes sense.

I genuinely genuinely want him to be happy and loved. I will say that it does seem so much easier for men to move on or maybe that's just me.

We split up because after 10 years of talking about when to have children the time was right and he finally admitted he didn't want to have kids after all. So I told him we had to go our separate ways because the one thing I am sure of is that I would like children and would regret it if I didn't at least try to meet someone and have a family.

This was obviously heartbreaking for both of us.

And yes to the poster who said he was always a devoted partner.

Based on previous experience, of friends, prepare yourself for him to have a baby fairly quickly.

I'd detach from him as much as possible and possibly get a different set of friends or at least socialise separately.
No more nice chats.
You will need it to move on.

I agree that breaking off contact is best now. It will feel harder in the short term, but long term it'll be MUCH easier. You've already experienced how news about his "new" life can upset you (which, again, is NORMAL!), that will only get harder.

Be kind to yourself. Break-ups are awful, especially when you made the decision, and EVEN more when there was nothing actually wrong with the relationship, except wanting different things.

Be prepared to start doubting your decision, to start crying randomly, to have moments when you feel utterly, heartbreakingly alone. THAT'S ALL NORMAL TOO.

It'd be easier if you didn't keep in touch. You'll move on faster. I promise you.

I'm feel for you. I finished my ten year relationship on Saturday evening after yet another "I'm going to watch the rugby I'll be back whenever" there are two children involved and I found out yesterday that he met somebody Saturday night and he has told her he will sort his circumstance out and that he can't wait to see her properly and will be in touch very soon. Even though I ended the relationship I feel utterly devastated and am currently sitting in a car park unable to stop the tears flowing. It feels like the last ten years have meant nothing and I'm totally lost. I have no advice but just wanted to add support that there are probably lots of us in similar situations and with a massive generalisation maybe men can compartmentalise better than us ? I don't know

But really, if you were together for 10 years and never got married or had kids, he wasn't the perfect man. In reality, he might be a bit of a commitment-dodger and you've dodged a bullet.

Careful you don't start making him out into a saint. Remember why you split up. Write those reasons down on a bit of paper and carry them in your purse for a while. Keep the faith.

My first husband walked away after 8 (admittedly horrible) years of marriage in October. He said he wouldn't date anyone else, that he needed time yo process the split, etc. By January, he was telling me how madly in love he was with a new woman and was Mr Smug of Smugtown.

I was really confused! It hurt me a lot, especially the thought of them together with our DC, looking like a family.

Someone lovely told me that men always rebound into relationships, but that they rarely last. They were right! He was single again just a couple of months later.

That wasn't last October, that was years ago. We've both remarried now and honestly, neither of us gives a shit. These feelings really don't last.

Oh there is no chance of me making him into a saint, he was horrible to live with for a good 6 months before he finally admitted he didn't want a baby.

My worst fear is that he will have a baby with someone else although he feels that he is too old at 42.

Thank you all so much for your kind words, they mean so much to me.

Fuck this is so hard

I ended a 15 yr relationship last November and moved on 6 mths later, my ex was devastated and is finding it hard to move on - I got an endless amount of grief through text accusing me of allsorts and calling me all the name under the sun, he even admits he doesn't know how Ive moved on so quick - but what am I meant to do, sit around crying about it? Im taking things slow with my new partner as I have to heal, but lifes too short.

Please be kind to yourself.

Someone told me he will never get married, I stepped back as for me marriage is important. One month later-he was married. When I asked why did he do that, he said I didn't want anything myself.
As PP said it was so confusing... There must be more into the situation than I thought. I was devastated, tears, etc...
now I dont care what he does and how he lives.

I took time out, tried to understand everything... MN helped me a lot.

Just one thing, you are single without him. After healing you will be open to meet someone and have kids. Just look towards brighter future.

Stay strong.

Thank you all so much, I've taken every bit of advice in.

I agree that life is short and I suppose some people heal within a new relationship and others need to heal before they can move on. It's hard to put yourself in someone else's headspace when you're in pain and thinking your way is the only way.

Thanks for the different perspectives and the well wishes.

Deciding to end our relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done but I really want a chance for a family so I'm going to work on getting over this so I can meet a nice guy.

Oh and I have cut contact with him now.

Eh I am sure my ex was talking to his girlfriend online before he even moved out! I feel bit idiot for that because I thought we were going try on our marriage living apart but a lot of men don't seem want be alone and its easier to jump into a new relationship then to work on an troubled one.

My ex is still with his girlfriend but I think she's starting to see what a twat he is.

But really, if you were together for 10 years and never got married or had kids, he wasn't the perfect man.

I'may sorry but I don't agree. Not having children or not getting married does not make anyone 'less perfect'.

Or are you saying that everyone should have children and get married, which is also wrong and very outdated

My marriage and children didn't make my ex the perfect man, either. No-one is perfect.

I'm not sure I'd call getting in with someone else moving on.

I have certainly moved on my relationship with exH before I got with someone else.

For me moving on is an attitude, where it doesn't matter what the other person is doing and you are no longer affected by what happens to them and you deal with your life only.

My ex had his new wife lined up before he had even left the family home. He wasn't with her when we decided to split up, but some people cannot bear to be without someone. They married the month after our decree absolute came through. They are still together nearly 13 years later so they must be happy.

I sort of always knew that he would replace me quickly if it ever came to it. He LOVED me knowing too. I think this is probably at the root of it - he wants you to see that he is moving on. Sad of him really.

Meet someone new and a whole lot nicer and have a lovely family, don't waste another second of your life thinking about him.

I don't agree that being together for 10 years and not having children or getting married in that time is a sign of him being a commitment phobe. I was only 23 when we met and I don't believe marriage is the be all and end all.

I agree with the poster who said that moving on is an attitude and is when you are no longer affected by what happens to them but can this really ever be true when you have spent so long together? I can't ever imagine not caring about him after I spent 10 years of my life with him.

Well, at least not more than what happens to a friend or an acquaintance. :)

I wouldn't say he is a commitment phobe.

But, IME, you may well have not been "the one".

Your comment about healing is quite key I think.
Even though you ended it, you feel you need to heal.
From his side - even if he didn't want to split up, there might not being any "healing" to be done.
Not everyone thinks like that.
Plenty of people think "OK, that over - I'm sad, but it's done".

^Beigewalls80

I don't think I'm jealous but maybe I am.

I am honestly so shocked by my reaction to it. I think up until now I have been the one in control with everything to do with the split and now he has taken control back and I feel a bit lost.^

So he's no longer the loverlorn puppy craving your attention and you can't handle the loss of the emotinal upperhand that gave you.

You've got to love mumsnet sometimes. The guy gets unceremoniously dumped by his girlfriend, commits the heinous crime of getting a new gf THREE MONTHS LATER, and somehow he's the bad guy in all of this? Jesus fucking wept!

IrishDad79 - I think you are reading a different thread, nowhere has he come across as the bad guy. He is not a bad guy!

I'm here trying to make sense of my feelings by asking for others opinions.

I want him to be happy because he deserves that which is why my reaction through me for a loop.

The head and the heart are not always working together

Ugh - threw me not through me

And IrishDad he was not 'unceremoniously dumped' After 6 months of him making up different excuses as to why we couldn't try to have the baby we had been imagining and discussing TOGETHER for years, I finally begged him to be honest with me and he still said he wanted a baby with me until the next night when he came home and admitted he in fact did NOT. And we sat together and cried our eyes out for hours. We were both devastated.

So no he was not 'dumped' as you put it but rather my desire to have a child was greater than my desire to stay with the man I loved. I knew I would grow to hate him if I didn't at least try to meet someone else.

can this really ever be true when you have spent so long together? I can't ever imagine not caring about him after I spent 10 years of my life with him

The simple answer is "yes".

It's only 3 months Beigewalls - and I know 10 years is a long time but three months is a very short time to come to terms with stuff.

Anecdote alert I was married to XH for 23 years and with him for 29 - yes it takes time, but yes it can be done. I haven't actually spoken to him for years and only think of him from time to time. I wish him well and don't want him to be unhappy - I was sorry when he had a (mild) heart attack and wanted him to recover - but I would have felt the same about most acquaintances. Yes, you will get over this but three months is not long enough.

I reckon I might have been over it even quicker if I had met someone, but even not having met anyone, I did get over it. The (grown-up) kids and I still have an (affectionate) laugh about some of the daft things he did.

Make a concerted effort to go forward with your life - I do hope you meet someone new soon!!