Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

She's done it again

55 replies

whatnow123 · 09/10/2015 11:16

Long story short. I've been with my partner 10 years. Mid thirties. Last year we went through a rough patch. Not communicating, no intimacy, neglecting relationship etc. Both at fault. It came to a head when I found text messages from a work colleague on her phone. All of a sexual nature. They had kissed but not gone further. Big confrontation, tears, arguments but a realisation that we had neglected each other. After 3/4 months we gave it another go.

Past six months everything has been brilliant. Appreciating each other, spending time together. A lot of trust built back.

Two days ago, I turn off the alarm her phone. Facebook pops up. Last weekend, during a work night out she had messaged him twice. He didn't reply. One was sexual in nature, the other was about how he always ignores her and is awkward in the office.

Confrontation. Tears, apologises. Doesn't know why she did it. Couldn't explain or give a reason, offered to quit job, blames the drink. She is not a big drinker at all, but lacks self control when drunk.

I'm at a loss. I'm not even upset just dissapointed. I love her, don't want to leave her but I feel I'm being made a fool of. No kids, about to buy a house.

Am I overreacting over two drunken messages? I don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:

NumbBlaseCold · 09/10/2015 11:27

I would not be buying a house with her.

I would not be with her anymore.

I would have done as you and given her a second chance the first time.

I would not do so the second time because there will be a third.

Alcohol or no alcohol, she chose to send those messages and had they been answered what would she have done?

She obviously talks to him in the office and still tries from her second message.

Have you looked at her other messages, emails and texts?

I would suspect more.

Eminado · 09/10/2015 11:28

*I would not be buying a house with her.

I would not be with her anymore.

I would have done as you and given her a second chance the first time.

I would not do so the second time because there will be a third.*

Exactly this.

tribpot · 09/10/2015 11:36

She isn't over him, and she isn't really sorry about what she did.

I notice she didn't offer to quit the drink, just the job! (Not strictly relevant as I'm sure she's not a problem drinker, but possibly highlights the extent to which she is not prepared to make changes in order to make amends).

What she needed, after the first incident, was not some dramatic gesture like quitting the job but a sincere and deep commitment to this relationship if that is what she really wanted. It sounds as if she lost her nerve about ending the relationship and starting again and so you were the fallback option. Never be anyone's fallback option.

Original poster

whatnow123 · 09/10/2015 11:39

They work for the same company but in different offices so they don't interact that much.

I checked the phone and saw no more. I don't think there is more. Her message indicates he is ignoring her.

If he had text back, was exactly the question I asked. She said she would have regretted it the next day and felt awful if I had found out or not. Easy to say.

I know what I should do but we've been together so long, been through so much and we just reached the stage where life was really coming together. Can't believe she did it.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatnow123 · 09/10/2015 11:46

The first time it happened, because we were going through such a rough patch I let her off the hook. She admitted as much yesterday. I dealt with it all wrong as I wanted to relationship to work.

OP posts:

PerspicaciaTick · 09/10/2015 11:50

I'm all for giving people a second chance if appropriate, but I'm not sure she deserves a third chance. I'm sorry that you are going through this - it is shit.

tribpot · 09/10/2015 11:51

Exactly - she never had to make a true choice because you were always there as her fallback. Now you are proposing to do the same thing again. You're not making the relationship 'work' as a result, just keeping it going.

But whatever you did or didn't do when she was caught last time, it was her choice to resume contact.

HelsBels3000 · 09/10/2015 11:55

I'd say the trust is now gone- therefore the relationship has run its course. How can you avoid checking her phone again, knowing that last time you did you found these messages? She's taken your second chance and thrown it back in your face.

pocketsaviour · 09/10/2015 11:55

First things first, put the house purchase on hold for now. You buy a house together, you're financially linked and it would be much more difficult to split up the next time she does this.

It's likely there will be a next time, and I think you know that. The fact she is messaging this guy and he's ignoring her is fucking embarrassing to be honest - she's absolutely taking the piss out of you.

You've been together 10 years - okay. But don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy. Better to get out now after 10 years than stick with her and watch her do this again and again until you've been with her 20 years, you're heartily sick of each other, but feel trapped because you've got kids.

Spartans · 09/10/2015 11:56

So she is with you because he is done?

Not because she chose you. If he got in touch and said he wanted a relationship with her, do you think she would?

Hullygully · 09/10/2015 11:58

No. RUN NOW RUN

Hullygully · 09/10/2015 11:58

She has absolutely no liking or respect for you. Sorry, but she doesn't.

DoJo · 09/10/2015 12:03

They work for the same company but in different offices so they don't interact that much.

No - they don't need to interact that much, but they are choosing to despite the fact that it sounds as though it would be relatively easy to keep out of each others' way. She has initiated contact again, apparently without any encouragement from him. That is her level of commitment to you - she is actively seeking him out...

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 09/10/2015 12:05

She wants out of this relationship but doesn't have the guts to tell you in case he doesn't want her after all, and it sounds very much as if he blows hot and cold with her. She's hedging her bets because she needs the security of knowing she has you to fall back on.

Get out while you can still walk away relatively unscathed, don't buy a house with her, her heart really isn't in this.

roundaboutthetown · 09/10/2015 12:07

I wouldn't trust her with a barge pole... She wasn't so drunk she couldn't type him messages, so alcohol excuses nothing. She made an active decision to try and reignite an inappropriate relationship.

SurlyValentine · 09/10/2015 12:13

The old Mumsnet mantra comes into play here: "When someone is telling you who they are, you ought to listen."

She is telling you she has absolutely zero respect for you and your relationship. If the other man had replied to her first message, it doesn't take a genius to work out what would have happened.

You've said that you love her and don't want to leave her, but her actions are telling you she doesn't feel the same way. If I were you, I'd be getting the hell out of there while you've got some dignity left.

DinosaursRoar · 09/10/2015 12:17

Cut your losses and leave now.

I can't help thinking LeaveMyWingsBehindMe is right, she's ready to move on, but you are 'safe' and she's trying to line up an alternative first. If she's also mid-30s, it could well be that even if she's decided you aren't the man for her long term, she needs to stay with you if she wants DCs - unless she can line up an alternatively ASAP. She's not got 5 years to be single then start again and get to the point of house buying and starting children over a number of years.

Walk/run away.

3rd chances when there's nothing to keep you together are a bad decision. You might well love her, but she doesn't love you, at least not in the way you want her to.

PrincessTooty · 09/10/2015 12:22

I would call a halt to the relationship. It would be hard to trust her again. Having kids is hard on relationships, what if you have rough patches in future? You will always be wondering.

I've been with my DH for 30 odd years, we do not expect perfection from each other but drunken flirty texts would be a step too far.

DinosaursRoar · 09/10/2015 12:26

BTW - right now, she feels it's her choice which man she has, if she can snag him interested again, she can pick between you - she is the one in control, which lifestyle does she want. End it, live by yourself for a while.

Even something as dramatic as expecting her to get a new job wouldn't work, because it's probably not about him as such, more wanting something more than your relationship, losing all contact with him would be fine, until the next interesting bloke catches her eye.

Bumpsadaisie · 09/10/2015 12:28

You gave it one shot, which was constructive and big of you to do.

But ultimately she has shown she really can't be trusted. Move on!

BigHairySpider · 09/10/2015 12:28

After the last time she should have cut all contact - why are they still FB friends?

Original poster

whatnow123 · 09/10/2015 12:30

Yeah, I know, I know. We've got a two week holiday booked for this next week. Cost a fortune. She wants us to go to talk and give it a chance. A tour of America. I'm feel drained.

OP posts:

AgathaF · 09/10/2015 12:36

She's actively seeking someone to have a relationship with, be it an emtional affair, physical affair or straight off leaving you and moving on to someone else.

She's done that even though you thought you were both committed to rebuilding and imroving your relationship, and evn though your thought things had improved.

It's probably only a matter of time before she either rekindles things with this guy, or seeks out another to play around with, or responds to someones flirtations and lets it go too far. It's either how she is, or it's how she is when she's with you now. Either way, not great for you.

Do you suspect she's done this before?

DinosaursRoar · 09/10/2015 12:38

don't go on the holiday - cancel, don't think about the money wasted, it's wasted anyway because it'll be hell being stuck together for 2 weeks.

Can she afford the rent of your current place on her own? In which case, I'd encourage her to go on the holiday with a friend and then use those 2 weeks to find somewhere else to live and move out.

Even if you don't move out, having a couple of weeks apart might be best for you both, chance to think without the other one there.

PrancingQueen · 09/10/2015 12:39

Is there any way you can cancel the holiday? Or go with a friend instead?
I agree with all the above posters. She won't change and she obviously doesn't respect you. You'll never trust her again anyway so cut your losses.
Sorry you are going through this OP.

Flip

1 2 3