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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

She's done it again

55 replies

whatnow123 · 09/10/2015 11:16

Long story short. I've been with my partner 10 years. Mid thirties. Last year we went through a rough patch. Not communicating, no intimacy, neglecting relationship etc. Both at fault. It came to a head when I found text messages from a work colleague on her phone. All of a sexual nature. They had kissed but not gone further. Big confrontation, tears, arguments but a realisation that we had neglected each other. After 3/4 months we gave it another go.

Past six months everything has been brilliant. Appreciating each other, spending time together. A lot of trust built back.

Two days ago, I turn off the alarm her phone. Facebook pops up. Last weekend, during a work night out she had messaged him twice. He didn't reply. One was sexual in nature, the other was about how he always ignores her and is awkward in the office.

Confrontation. Tears, apologises. Doesn't know why she did it. Couldn't explain or give a reason, offered to quit job, blames the drink. She is not a big drinker at all, but lacks self control when drunk.

I'm at a loss. I'm not even upset just dissapointed. I love her, don't want to leave her but I feel I'm being made a fool of. No kids, about to buy a house.

Am I overreacting over two drunken messages? I don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatnow123 · 09/10/2015 12:43

No I don't suspect it happened before last year. She was on forums similar to this stating her confusion and guilt etc etc. All in the internet history. It was easily discovered.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 09/10/2015 12:45

BTW - worth noting, noone on here thinks you are overreacting to drunked texts, if it really was a one off, then perhaps, but it's not, you are under reacting in an attempt to not have to face the full horror of it IMO.

Don't let her make you believe it's just you being silly. Don't let her make you think most couples would tolerate this, they wouldn't.

Have you told anyone about this in real life? If not, can you arrange to go for a drink with a good friend tonight and tell them the whole story. Right now, it's a secret between the 2 of you and she will be able to convince you it's not that bad, you may well need too see other people's reactions to see how normal your reaction is.

In a healthy relationship, this would not happen.

Wolpertinger · 09/10/2015 12:46

Cut your losses.

Do you really want to re run this every year for the rest of your life? Sadly she's done it twice now, she will do it over again and prob eventually leave you.

Original poster
whatnow123 · 09/10/2015 12:53

I've not told anyone in real life yet. 2/3 of my good friends know the story from last year. In all honesty I can't bring myself to tell them it's happened again. They told me to call it a day last time.

Unfortunately the holiday also encompasses a friends wedding. I'm going regardless and she wants to talk it through so is adamant she is coming.

OP posts:
tribpot · 09/10/2015 13:00

Your friend or her friend? Assuming the former, honestly tell her no. She can't come, you want the time to clear your head. Failing that, fly together (ask to be seated separately) and then go your own way in the States.

PrancingQueen · 09/10/2015 13:01

Is there any way you arrange separate rooms?
It will be hard to sleep in the same bed as her.
She may 'want to talk it through' but really that's up to you now.
If I were in your situation I'd be done with her so anything she'd have to say would be white noise.

DinosaursRoar · 09/10/2015 13:43

Ignore the holiday first of all, if you've already ended your relationship by then, it'll take some brass neck for her to still go. (And it would cost you a lot less than losing the whole cost to change your flight time and hotel so you aren't travelling and staying together)

If you can't bring yourself to tell your RL friends it's happened again, think about why that is, is it because they've been proved right that she couldn't be trusted after last time? Because they'll tell you she'll do it again and again? Because once you've done that, it'll stop being something you can go along with her view as being 'nothing' and realise it would be 'game over' for pretty much most couples? Telling others makes this sort of thing real.

DinosaursRoar · 09/10/2015 13:46

Oh and it might be worth pointing out to her she should shut up about what she wants, if she wants to talk or not doesn't matter now, it's about what you want and what you are able to put up with. If you want to quietly think, she doesn't get to make you talk. If you want to end your relationship, she doesn't get to tell you you can't. She's had her chance to control what happens, she chose to try to cheat again, do you want to be with a woman who is only not sleeping with someone else because they said no?

Duckdeamon · 09/10/2015 14:01

Even before taking a decision about whether or not to continue the relationship I would cease cohabiting and spending time with / having contact with her immediately, and for a good while, to reflect on things. If you stay she will know she can do this kind of shit with few consequences.

Don't go on holiday with her: if it's your friend or family member's wedding and she's your plus one she doesn't get to decide, you can uninvite her! You could still go to the states as planned, as could she assuming she's paid for her ticket, but make your own plans and avoid her. Or cancel if some money back or an exchange for a trip elsewhere later is an option.

Agree with a PP's suspicions: "If she's also mid-30s, it could well be that even if she's decided you aren't the man for her long term, she needs to stay with you if she wants DCs - unless she can line up an alternatively ASAP". I wouldn't want to plan a future risking that.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/10/2015 16:37

I am so sorry OP, this is awful. I couldn't give a third chance either...I can't imagine this will stop. I have been in your shoes and know fully how dreadfully painful it is. Please don't buy a house with her and please don't go on holiday with her. Go alone by all means, but not with her. Offering a hand hold if nothing else Flowers. Please talk to your RL friends, you are going to need the support.

NumbBlaseCold · 09/10/2015 16:55

Your friends will understand, I would be honest with them because you will be needing their support.

Go on holiday without her.

If the wedding is your friend's wedding then tell them you have broken up and why.

Tell her she is not invited on holiday with you, has been disinvited to the wedding, arrange separate rooms and separate seats.

She may try to come on holiday with you but she won't go somewhere where most of the people will be judging her bad behaviour.

But mostly cancel her ticket and give her the money so she has no excuses to come.

Original poster
whatnow123 · 09/10/2015 17:49

Thanks for the advice. A lot to think about. It's a friend of mine more than hers.

It's just so selfish. Her Mum has given us half her life savings for a deposit. Tens of thousands of pounds.

Thankfully for her I'm an honest person, and will tell her Mum it's happened again. I get on really well with her.

OP posts:
Isetan · 09/10/2015 17:52

she wants to talk it through so is adamant she is coming.

Your our feelings are not at all important to her, end it now.

tribpot · 09/10/2015 17:54

I think you're doing her mum a favour as well - this isn't a good investment, in any sense, at the moment.

She is very wrong to be trying to push you to go on this holiday with her. I think she knows that if you have sufficient time to think you'll begin to see she's not worth this heartbreak. Proximity helps her, not you.

Wolpertinger · 09/10/2015 18:02

If she gets you on this holiday, she has lots of time to tell you how sorry she is but also how it's mainly your fault for not supporting her enough/being emotionally aware/not communicating/insert your own meally mouthed excuse here.

So of course she wants to go.

How much of the holiday can you change to do separate from her and still go to the wedding?

Original poster
whatnow123 · 09/10/2015 18:11

Some of it. Other than the plane and the wedding I think other stuff can be altered.

She thinks if she can spend enough time with me she'll convince me - like last time.

OP posts:
NumbBlaseCold · 09/10/2015 18:21

You have to be very strong and know that her words are just pretty dressed up lies.

You should be honest with people and not let her spin her lies to them too.

Wolpertinger · 09/10/2015 18:22

So sit separately on the plane, inform friend that you are no longer together and you are really excited about attending their wedding but you are no longer with your partner. You don't know if partner will still be able to come separately from you, they'll need to check with her.

Hope you have a really lovely holiday.

AgathaF · 09/10/2015 21:17

her words are just pretty dressed up lies - they might be, but equally she might actually believe what she says herself at that particular moment. Unfortunately she has shown that she is not trustworthy.

bjrce · 09/10/2015 22:57

You know when they say, when you're drunk, your true feelings come out, this is exactly how it is with her, she is able to pretend she is not interested in this guy on a daily basis and suppress her feelings, but as soon as she drinks, her true feelings come out, she starts texting this guy. Based on the fact he hasn't replied to her texts in the last instance, he probably isn't interested. She knows this now, that's why she's panicking with you. She knows if she loses you, she'll have no one. Don't be her second choice. She will do this again. I wouldn't trust her. Sorry.

DinosaursRoar · 09/10/2015 23:21

Her mum will give her the deposit again I'm sure to buy on her own.

Your friends will understand either changing their seating plan so you sit separately, or that you would be attending alone if they don't want to invite her as she's no longer your 'plus one'.

It probably wouldn't cost that much to change to a different flight, at least out bound. (you don't even need to tell her you've done it).

Most importantly, tell someone in real life.

Eekaman · 10/10/2015 11:02

Buddy,

I'm with the wise MN folk here. She just simply isn't committed to you. Take it on the chin, move on, heal, get over it.

Good luck.

Original poster
whatnow123 · 10/10/2015 16:57

Yeah I know. Crap!

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 10/10/2015 17:28

Yep she thinks if you're stuck with her for two weeks you'll fall into the familiar relationship again with her.

But that relationship is not based on love or respect.

I'd try to avoid her coming on holiday, or say you'll go your separate ways when you get there. But then she'll play the "you can't abandon me in a foreign country" card....

So try and go alone and get some distance and space to think and process this.

DinosaursRoar · 10/10/2015 17:48

honestly, it's probably going to cost you around £100 to change your ticket - even just the outbound would be fine for that...

But have you made a decision about the long term? Talked to anyone in RL?