DH Wants to go leave me alone for 2 days when 38wks pregnant!

[Toothache]

Here's the story:

DH is from Liverpool and all his family are down there. We are in Central Scotland. It's his Mum and Dad's 40th Wedding anniversary mid-July and they are having a big party.

DH and I don't drive so DH suggested to me that he gets the bus to Liverpool for the party and travels back the next day. I said it probably wasn't a good idea to leave me alone for 48 hours in mid-July as the baby is due on 6th August and our DS was a week early.

I've been having problems with this pregnancy and haven't been feeling too great. I already had a trip to the labour ward and was admitted at 24wks with a bad kidney infection. I really don't want left alone with ds (3) either in case something happens. My parents live a good 30-45min drive away too so I really would be on my own.

He then said I was right and he wouldn't go. BUT he made sure he expressed to me just HOW disappointed he was and just how much bad timing it is and just how much he misses his parents and would love the opportunity to go. So he said he would try to think of a way he could get to the party!!

That was 2 days ago. Today on the phone I said to him that I really didn't want him to leave me. He said again that he knew that and was just hoping that something would transpire to allow him to go!

I got really offended and asked him where his priorities lay. He answered that of course I was his priority, but that his Parents anniversary meant alot to him and that it would be their only Ruby wedding blah blah blah. I pointed out that it might be his only chance to see this child being born and to be there for me if something happens.

He said I was over reacting and that I was just looking for an argument (a favourite putdown of his). I pointed out that he has made me feel like a burden, or some kind of obligation he HAS to fulfil, but would rather not.

Of course he doesn't understand. He thinks the issue is clearcut... he's not going.... so what am I moaning about. Well I'm 'moaning' as it seems he clearly would RATHER be at the party and has been quite open in expressing his disappointment at the fact that I might go into labour then.

I know he's disappointed, but did he really have to make me feel as though I'm making him stay here. He knew all along that he couldn't go so why tell me he was going??? Only to make me say "I'd rather you didn't"?? Now I'm the bad guy.

Sorry this is long and rambling.... I'm upset. I put the phone down after he told me for the 20th time that I was being stupid.

Why can't he see why I'm offended?

I'm not surprised you feel annoyed - your DH was being unreasonable and selfish. Not what you want to hear, but if he continues to make you feel bad about this, would it be an option for your parents or a good friend to stay with you while he goes?

Hmmmmm. I can see both points of view tbh, it is a special occasion and he wants to go, but you will be near your due date and are obviously worried.

Suggestions:

IF you went into labour, he would be able to get back from Liverpool surely in time? My friends dh did the Northern Run in Newcastle 2 days before her due date (no, she wasn't happy either).

Could you stay with your parents for the night with ds so IF anything did happen you would have people there to help?

I think the arguement you are still having are because you both want to 'win' iyswim, obviously you don't want him to go but it is only for 1 night.

Sorry, I would love to side with you

He is a man, so he won't understand

In his very narrow view it is YOUR fault that he can't go, so he probably feels he has the right to moan at you, because he is doing the RIGHT thing by staying IYKWIM.

So he's staying, he's grumpy about that, so he's taking it out on you!! Typical man

Sorry, but I would not let him go. I wouldn't even try to find a way around it for him to go. End of.

I think you should be the single most important person at this time. What if you do go into labour? What if it is quick?

How often does he visit his parents? Yes, it is a special time for them it being their anniversary, but does he visit them that often anyway? If he doesn't, perhaps he should visit them more frequently, not just on a speacial occasion.

I do sort of agree with OliveOil but completely see your point of view too. It isnt as though he wants to go on a stag weekend or footie match....it is his parents Ruby anniversary and IF you were to go into labour while he was away he would be able to get back for the birth. I would look at staying with your parents or a friend and let him go to Liverpool for the night.

Having said that, I would be cross too if he was making out I was unreasonable......you can behave how you like when you are pregnant!!!! Sorry if I havent helped.

Been there, done that.....
Jump up and down and stamp your feet, that's what I did.
I concluded men just don't understand simply because they have absolutely NO comprehension of what you are going through, it's not their fault. (although I didn't let dh off)
He has to stay with you - you wouldn't beable to go if it was your parents, period!!!!!
The baby is BOTH your responsibility, it's just that you are carrying it.
Don't feel guilty, men get off really easily with this deal!!!

Toothache i know how you feel, my dp has tickets for a 4 day trip to the european cup final all hospitality paid trip to portugal at 36 weeks and our ds1 was 3 weeks early. I did not have the heart to stop him from going a because i know how much he will enjoy it and b) because i would just feel awful if baby didnt arrive and he could have gone. Have arranged for best friends to stay with me for the 4 days.

Is it possible for you all to go and get a break or would you feel too far from home???? What about borrowing or renting a car is that a possiblity?

Also keep thinking about the fact that my dp works about 1.5 hours away from home (in rush hour) by car and who knows how quick a labour may be second time round. Not even sure i'll make it to the hospital. I have been stressing about these issues and am beginning to realise that we just cant plan it down to a tee and we can only look after our selves and bumps etc.

Hope some of this helps you and i do really really sympathise with you.

I agree with Collision - I can see Oliveoil's point, he also shouldn't be making you feel bad. I like the suggestions of staying with your parents or a friend if he were to go.

I can see why it is upsetting for him - but he shouldn't take it out on you.

From a different perspective, how will YOU feel if he doesn't go and nothing happens until your due date?

Can you leave it to closer to the time and see how things are going with the pregnancy? I know things have been tough for you, but have things settled down? By then you'll be on maternity leave and maybe feeling more relaxed.

Out of interest, how long was your last labour? If he did go, on past experience (and I acknowledge it might be different this time), if things were to start "moving", would he have time to get back?

I don't think you can make him see why you are offended and tbh, I don't think it matters.
He isn't going to go - I think that's clear - and that is the important thing (I do think he ought to stay with you btw, esp as you have a three year old to look after as well). But he is disappointed and sad about it and I think that is OK too - he can't help feeling that way and it isn't irresponsible to have feelings of disappointment. And, of course, just because he is sad and disappointed doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Maybe things might be better if you could bear to say to him, I'm really glad you aren't going to the party. I know how much you wanted to go and would have enjoyed it and you must be disappointed. We'll make up for it after the baby is born.
I am sure he doesn't think of you as "an obligation" or a "burden" - he just would have loved to have gone to a big family party that is a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
I think pushing him to pretend he isn't a bit sad will just lead to misery all round. We've all been in positions where we had to choose between two things. I've recently had to turn down trips to New York for work because I've got my ds. I would have loved to have gone and feel quite gutted that I couldn't go - but it doesn't mean I don't love my son to bits!

BTW, I think you could just leave it and it would be OK. The only alternative I can think of is for you to spend the w/e at your parents with your ds, just in case, while your dh goes to the party. Would that be something you could bear to do? He would be eternally grateful (I should hope!!)

ok any offers on what to do with dh who insists on going to glasto for 5 days at 36 wks - one week before we are due to move house?

oh crikey, it's so not my thing!

think the chances of it being a lot of fun at 36wks pg are minimal, if dh is to be believed.

Hi Toothache, could you not see how you are closer to the time? If you are ok and baby doesn't seem to be on his/her way, he could go at the last minute with a back-up plan agreed between you should he need to return quickly. As someone has already suggested, you could arrange for a friend to stay overnight. I appreciate how you feel ... my dh buggered off to New York on business for a week when I was 37 weeks!! Selfish git!!

toothache I do understand your feelings, but also from his point of view, he's giving up somethign he would really love to go to, and in all probability for nothing. It is a tough one - my dh had a business trip overseas scheduled when I was 37 weeks with no1 - rationally I could see that there was very very little risk of anything happening too quickly for him to make it, but I still felt uncomfortable about it. In the end he rearranged things so that he was only away for one (long) day, I got back up in case I went into labour, and of course it was all fine. In fairness I think he felt as anxious as me - he certainly wouldn't have wanted to miss anything - and it sounds like your dh does feel the same really. I do think its expecting a bit much to have him not go AND be completely happy about it!
Could he make it down and back in one day or is that impossible?

Thanks folks.

OO - He couldn't get back in time as he is going by bus. The buses and trains don't run through the night and there are no direct buses or trains at any time of day. When We travel by train it takes us 5hrs on a good day (no delays/problems). The bus takes 7 hours!!!

NO WAY would he get back in time. I have been warned that I'll probably have a very quick labour (all going well). DS was 6/7 hrs and that was a posterior labour! My Mum has a history of very quick labours too.

I can't stay at my parents as they don't have a bed for me. When ds stays there he sleeps in bedside my Mum. And my Dad is selfish pig, he would not give up his bed anyway.

We can't hire a car as neither of us can drive! PLUS he will be drinking so couldn't drive back in a hurry anyway.

My friends all live a very student/party lifestyles (flat sharing etc) and none live close by. The only one that does live close by smokes dope like there's no tomorrow so I'm not relying on her to help!!

I DO appreciate that he misses his family, but I need him here more than his parents need him at a f*cking party. His parents haven't even put any pressure on him. His Mum has already told him not to be so daft and that he is needed here with me. It's not just him missing the final event of me pushing the baby out.... it's the whole thing! I have SPD, problems with high BP, I've now got my 5th UTI this pregnancy.

I can't cope on my own and I know my Mum won't help (long story).

Honest, I'm not being melodramatic, I really can't get anyone to stay with me. And DH really wouldn't get back in time if there was an emergency.

Good point littlemissbossy, maybe leave the decision till nearer the time. Then again, he could brood until then. My dh is currenlty threatening to go to Cardiff for the FA cup final but that is in a few weeks and I will only be about 28 weeks then so slightly different.

Are you around toothache? Let us know how you are.

Bum, posts crossed.

See what you mean about the travelling. Could you go as well? Push the boat out and book first class so you would be comfortable travelling?

Will try and think of some helpful suggestions.

x

Littlemissbossy - He has to book the tickets in advance or pay a fortune for them.

I'm NOT expecting him to be happy about it. I just expected him to spare me the guilt trip. I don't think that's too much to ask.

PLUS as someone else pointed out. He's missing out on ONE party.... I'm missing out on a whole lot more carrying the baby for 9mths. The least he can do is be willing support to me when I really need him.

aahh - now you've explained the history i.e. quick labour, then NO he should not go. Unfortunately for you he will no doubt sulk about this, but so what, he'll get over it. Could you arrange for ALL of you to see his parents after the birth, once you're back on your feet, etc. Could they come (and stay, if this is an option) and your dh could cook a nice meal for you all?? You will, by then have something extra to celebrate won't you

OO - There's no way I can sit on a bus for 7hrs with a toddler. What a nightmare!! If there is one sure thing that will raise my BP again it's that. And I don't think it would help my SPD to be sat for any length of time. It's such a long journey to go watch my DH get pi$$ed (he definitely wouldn't stay sober). There wouldn't be anyone in Liverpool to watch ds anyway. They'll all be at the party..... we learned that the hard way one New Year!