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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH Wants to go leave me alone for 2 days when 38wks pregnant!

55 replies

Toothache · 13/05/2004 12:07

Here's the story:

DH is from Liverpool and all his family are down there. We are in Central Scotland. It's his Mum and Dad's 40th Wedding anniversary mid-July and they are having a big party.

DH and I don't drive so DH suggested to me that he gets the bus to Liverpool for the party and travels back the next day. I said it probably wasn't a good idea to leave me alone for 48 hours in mid-July as the baby is due on 6th August and our DS was a week early.

I've been having problems with this pregnancy and haven't been feeling too great. I already had a trip to the labour ward and was admitted at 24wks with a bad kidney infection. I really don't want left alone with ds (3) either in case something happens. My parents live a good 30-45min drive away too so I really would be on my own.

He then said I was right and he wouldn't go. BUT he made sure he expressed to me just HOW disappointed he was and just how much bad timing it is and just how much he misses his parents and would love the opportunity to go. So he said he would try to think of a way he could get to the party!!

That was 2 days ago. Today on the phone I said to him that I really didn't want him to leave me. He said again that he knew that and was just hoping that something would transpire to allow him to go!

I got really offended and asked him where his priorities lay. He answered that of course I was his priority, but that his Parents anniversary meant alot to him and that it would be their only Ruby wedding blah blah blah. I pointed out that it might be his only chance to see this child being born and to be there for me if something happens.

He said I was over reacting and that I was just looking for an argument (a favourite putdown of his). I pointed out that he has made me feel like a burden, or some kind of obligation he HAS to fulfil, but would rather not.

Of course he doesn't understand. He thinks the issue is clearcut... he's not going.... so what am I moaning about. Well I'm 'moaning' as it seems he clearly would RATHER be at the party and has been quite open in expressing his disappointment at the fact that I might go into labour then.

I know he's disappointed, but did he really have to make me feel as though I'm making him stay here. He knew all along that he couldn't go so why tell me he was going??? Only to make me say "I'd rather you didn't"?? Now I'm the bad guy.

Sorry this is long and rambling.... I'm upset. I put the phone down after he told me for the 20th time that I was being stupid.

Why can't he see why I'm offended?

OP posts:

wobblyknicks · 13/05/2004 13:44

Toothache - I don't think he should go, considering you'll be so near and you need him far more than his parents do at that time. But if he HAS to go, would flying be an option? There can be some really cheap deals and if someone could pick him up at the other end, it might make the whole thing a lot quicker.

Original poster

Toothache · 13/05/2004 13:44

LMB - His parents are coming here 3 weeks to stay for the weekend. And then will come up with his sister within a fortnight of the birth. So it's not like he won't see them.

Thanks for all your help everyone.... it's appreciated.

OP posts:

stace · 13/05/2004 13:51

now that you've filled us in a bit more on your circumstances and history i agree he should stay perhaps you could copy this thread and ask him to read it, then with any luck he will understand how you feel, your worries, your fears etc and hopefully be a bit more supportive about it!!

katierocket · 13/05/2004 14:01

when first read your message I thought, oh let him go but given the transport situation, and your history (quick labours etc)I don't think he should go at all. It's a difficult situation but he just has to prioritise. I think for now i would just sort of let it lie IFYKWIM. If he's agreed not to go then just try not to discuss it for a while and let the situation calm down.

Piffleoffagus · 13/05/2004 14:13

no no no!
Work tried to get my dh to go to USA 4 weeks before I was due, jst for 4 days, I put my foot down, oddly on the day he would have left, I got taken in with suspected cholestasisand needed some pretty serious blood tests and stuff, so it was luvky he never went, plus dd was born 2 weeks early as luck would have it.
If he goes he has to leave a suitable replacement tell him... pref with better sensitivity than himself

Piffleoffagus · 13/05/2004 14:13

and god I cannot believe you a re 38 weeks already M!!!!!!!

Heathcliffscathy · 13/05/2004 14:20

serenequeen: does he have to go for work? if not, tell him to sell his ticket (he'll get a fortune for it, it's sold out) and take you out for slap up gordon ramsayesque dinner on the proceeds! having said that, i went to glasto when preg last year (but only 6 1/2 months preg) and loved it, felt like a goddess earth mother hippy type, was great (but then again, we only went for an afternoon...slightly different...

marialuisa · 13/05/2004 14:46

SQ, my DH did something very similar (was Ibiza though) and came back grumbling because lots of people had told him off, including a 17 year old girl who proudly informed him that she'd had both her kids at 36 weeks....

Original poster

Toothache · 13/05/2004 15:17

Cheers people! I just needed to straighten it out in my head and to get some non bias opinions. With my hormones being as they are I'm never sure whether I'm acting rationally or not!

He's gone to work now and won't be home until 10.30pm tonight so I'll leave him to think about it!

He has his driving theory test tomorrow and hopefully will sit his test and pass before the baby is due.... that way we'll have transport for the big event. But that's a big WHAT IF!

Piffleoffagus - Don't know if you meant me... but I'm 28 wks pg at the moment.... the party in question is in Mid-July. Are you an oldie like me, with a new name??

OP posts:

oliveoil · 13/05/2004 15:21

Hormones??? No idea what you are on about

I cried last night for no reason whatsoever because dh was being nice about me waking him up in the night, and when he gave me a hug I started doing that crylaugh thing. He thinks I am off my rocker.

Sonnet · 13/05/2004 15:27

Hi Toothache - after reading this whole thread and taking into account the problems you have had in this pregnancy and the transport issue - I THINK HE SHOULD STAY BY YOUR SIDE!!!
Hope his "tests" go OK..

Original poster

Toothache · 13/05/2004 15:35

lol OO! I know exactly what you mean!!

Sonnet - Thanks..

OP posts:

aloha · 13/05/2004 16:26

I wouldn't want my dh to go anywhere at that stage tbh (last time I was in hosp for weeks and had ds by section at 37 weeks anyway!).
I don't think you should feel in the least bit guilty, but I also think he is 'allowed' to feel disappointed he can't go. I think if you could say something like, "thanks for not going. I can tell you are disappointed and it means a lot to me" he might surprise you. Remember, he's not 'making' you feel guilty - (do you really think that is what he is deliberately trying to do?) - you are letting yourself feel like that. You can refuse to you know
You do sound like you are having a bit of miserable time though and could do with a treat yourself. Why not suggest doing something yourselves, even if it's just a night out somewhere nice?
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you!

aloha · 13/05/2004 16:27

As for Glastonbury? Noooooo! I would hate it too, and it will probably rain the whole time. I agree with the sell the ticket and go for dinner instead idea!

coddycodcod · 13/05/2004 16:37

my dh went to s africa ay 38 weeks
my theory wa if it came it came and thats was fine

coddycodcod · 13/05/2004 16:38

sorry if someone else has said ths but why dont you both go/

libb · 13/05/2004 16:49

I agree with what Aloha said further down - he isn't going to go so prolonging the discussion will only make you both miserable.

I am sure you will both sort it and I really hope, in the meantime, you have an easy and restful pregnancy/labour at the proper time! (what are pregnancy hormones by the way? never had myself, honest )

katierocket · 13/05/2004 16:54

they can't both go coddy - it's 7 hour bus journey

CountessDracula · 13/05/2004 17:06

What about the train might that not be quicker?

aloha · 13/05/2004 17:39

She's got SPD, high blood pressure and a three year old. She has a family history of very quick labours and her last baby arrived at 39 weeks. I agree - safer (and nicer and healthier) to stay put!
Pity for her dh, he is bound to be disappointed, but he will get over it.

Hulababy · 13/05/2004 17:52

I agree with many of the others. In your circumstances particularly he shouldn't go.

serenequeen · 14/05/2004 11:17

thanks all. think dh deserves a break really, he has picked up a lot of extra boring household stuff that i have just been too tired to do since pg. he has seen this thread and blanched at the idea of selling his ticket and taking me out to Gordon Ramsey instead! however, he has promised not to go if there is a specific reason why he shouldn't - so no scope for interpretation there then!

toothache, i'm inclined to agree with aloha, he definitely shouldn't go, but since he has agreed not to, wouldn't it be politic to at least (pretend if you have to) sympathise a little? just for the sake of keeping the peace and acknowledging that he has done the right thing?

hope you work it out soon - and sorry for sneaking my question in on your thread.

Piffleoffagus · 14/05/2004 11:20

title said 38 wks??
thought it had gone quick LOL
yes I'm kiwi

gothicmama · 14/05/2004 11:34

Serenequeen bf dh went to Glasto when she was 2 weeks before due date he felt so guilty he came home early - giving a lift to another bloke rushing home for the same reason- It's Glasto some Glasto magic will happen.
I MO let them get on with it and guilt will make them do the right thing or ompromise so eveyone feels they have won

Original poster

Toothache · 14/05/2004 11:48

Thanks everyone!

Aloha - I did exactly that last night and he was lovely about it. He just smiled at me and called me a 'dafty' for thinking that he didn't want to stay with me and that he just didn't express himself very well. AS USUAL!

And since he's just passed his driving theory test with 90% I'll be nice him.

Thanks again for being so rational/helpful and suportive again.

OP posts:

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