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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So the cheater got played

89 replies

rockabillyruby82 · 07/10/2015 15:50

Hey,
I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my unfortunate discovery that my H had been having an affair.
I slung him out, I've had ups, downs, all the emotions and have wanted him back some days.
Today he came round to see our DS and went out with him. Whilst gone I looked on his computer and he had left himself logged into FB. I read his conversations between him and OW (rotten of me I know)
And it would seem that she proclaimed her love for him and he said he loves her and now that he has left our home and found a place to live she isn't interested! The messages got a bit heated, he was clearly upset and angry at her.
I know I shouldn't but I am taking great joy out of his pain. She obviously wanted a fling with a married man and used him. Now he has nothing.
I think he deserves this. In the messages he spoke about me and how I changed after having PND and he didn't love me anymore.
I'm 19 weeks pregnant, I'm scared and anxious about the future but this had made it a little brighter.
Am I a bitch??

OP posts:

springydaffs · 08/10/2015 07:55

Now look, you can 'torture' him without the kids knowing a thing. Except they will pick up on the dynamic that a betrayed spouse doesn't roll over.

Nature is red in tooth and claw - he has destroyed your home, don't roll over and do high road passivity to 'protect' the children. Of course not openly fighting and vindictive but stay close to this heinous betrayal, don't normalise it, smooth it out, 'for the sake of the kids'.

Dear me, she sounds like a revolting piece of work - ew. Don't forget he listened to all that, let it go, went along with it. Foul.

desertmum · 08/10/2015 07:56

I really, really don't get the whole 'don't get mad at the OW it's the husband who's done wrong not her' - that is a complete pile of crap. Any decent, moral human being does not go out with someone else's husband/partner/boyfriend. It is really very very simple and not hard to not do.

Every woman who goes out with a married man betrays every woman in the world. These women are despicable and really should know better, and every time someone on here says 'oh it's not the OW fault she didn't make any promises to the wife' it simply vindicates their behaviour and absolves them of any responsibility for their actions.

Rant over. OP you are most definitely not a bitch, but the OW is without doubt.

springydaffs · 08/10/2015 07:57

Hi MrsC

springydaffs · 08/10/2015 07:58

Hear hear desert

summerwinterton · 08/10/2015 08:33

I wholeheartedly agree Desert.

DrMorbius · 08/10/2015 08:34

desertmum Every woman who goes out with a married man betrays every woman in the world

People betray people all the time, it is in the nature of man (a small percentage of people admittedly). There is no "sisterhood" of every woman in the world

The OW owes nothing to the DW, the OM owes nothing to the DH. They may have low morals but to imply theyare letting down their gender is frankly bonkers.

If the OW also has a DH, who is she letting down most DH or the "sisterhood"?

suzannecaravaggio · 08/10/2015 08:37

Every woman who goes out with a married man betrays every woman in the world

inane soundbite of the day...lol

Baconyum · 08/10/2015 08:46

Is ow married/in a relationship?

Agree, you're notba bitch, tough shit to the bastard, don't even consider taking him back till hormones back to normal and even then be very cautious. My sbxh has tried to come back several times, wouldn't spit on him if he were alight!

Original poster

rockabillyruby82 · 08/10/2015 08:50

No Bacon she is single

OP posts:

Original poster

rockabillyruby82 · 08/10/2015 08:52

What you're all saying is exactly what I'm doing. Every time my mind lapses to the wanting him back I think about the way I found out, how he's treated me and the heartless degrading way he has spoken about me. I'm determined to keep strong, ensure my DC are happy and envision a happy future.

OP posts:

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 08/10/2015 10:15

I agree with Desert that there should be a solidarity of women, but that should be extended both ways. What about the huge numbers of OWn who didn't know they were one until it was too late? Who had been lied to as much as the wives?

No, best keep the bulk of the ire for the actual liars.

Baconyum · 08/10/2015 10:29

So he can't even kid himself on its difficult as she's married he's just no good for anything but the occasional shag?! Ha!

And I'm afraid I agree ow in this case as much to blame and as vile as husband!

Very few ow in my experience don't know their man is married unless man travels a lot with work eg. Else where do they think they are when not home with them after a certain amount of time?

M0rven · 08/10/2015 10:38

I agree that some OW are in fact innocent victims who do not know that the man is married . Well at least for the first few weeks and months .

But after a while, surely they are suspicious when they have never visited his home, never called him at home, never met any of his friends or family or work colleagues ? Never gone out for a meal or a drink in the town in which he lives ?

Wouldn't that be a red flag for even the most naive of women ?

Lweji · 08/10/2015 10:43

My question is why was he on his computer at your home?
Is he still making himself comfortable there? I'm sure it can only mess with your head.

On a side note, and considering how much of a bastard and bitch they have been, I might be, ahem, tempted to say something about an STD...

thehypocritesoaf · 08/10/2015 10:54

Didn't find out until it was too late

Funny.

the idea that all women are so dumb or so lovely and sensitive they can't help getting involved with married men (while the married man is a completely ammoral bastard) is so sexist and stupid- it clearly doesn't apply in this case anyway.

RivieraKid · 08/10/2015 11:15

They both sounds like complete cockwombles. They both know you're pregnant and married. They're both bloody awful people.

You're better off without him, for certain. And you're certainly not a bitch.

Oh, and:

Being jokey and happy. Not expected since the last few messages have been me calling him an arsehole

Ah, the return of the 'fun husband'! Lovely to see that tired old Script cameo make an appearance. Yes, this is him trying to wiggle back in, don't be fooled.

Jux · 08/10/2015 13:49

I'm sorry, that was thoughtless of me. I don't know what came over me, and I clearly hadn't thought it through, or actually thought at all.

I beg your pardon, rockabilly, and I'm also sorry to have derailed your thread.

I apologise to everyone else too, and am sorry for having caused more pain to you all.

Original poster

rockabillyruby82 · 08/10/2015 14:12

Lweji H computer is still in the house until he moves. We had arranged a visiting time and he arrived 1 hour early when I wasn't at home, prob when he used computer.
Jux That's totally fine! I'm on the fence in regards to OW and their part in affairs. Some don't know or have been suckered in by the dickhead H. Others (like this one) are pure venom and should be treated as such!

OP posts:

Jux · 08/10/2015 18:29

Thanks rockabilly.

Lweji! The std idea is wicked! And would be fun

springydaffs · 08/10/2015 19:05

Jux I heart you, you know that? Adorable woman you are! Apology award, first class

Sorry, not about me.

How you doing rockabilly?

Original poster

rockabillyruby82 · 08/10/2015 19:21

I'm good just adopted a kitty cat who is making herself at home.
I have had an STI test for obv reasons but also being pregnant I have similar symptoms to if I had an STI. Haven't told him this.
He has been texting today and sent one with a x on the end!!
And last night I was happily watching my Bake off final, he was due round at 9pm because I had a night shift. He wants to come early, was already outside before asking! Comes in and sits with me on the sofa. He hasn't shown an interest in watching T.V with me for months.

OP posts:

tribpot · 08/10/2015 19:27

Don't let him in when you're not there (although is he babysitting whilst you're working?). Don't let him in a minute before the scheduled time. You are separated. The more you let him worm his way back in, the more he will up the ante.

Phoenix0x0 · 08/10/2015 19:30

Rockabilly and so it begins...........

He is now starting to worm his way in....expect him to call round earlier, ask spend time as a family........

The fact is you know but he doesn't (genius) that he's been dumped by the OW.

As I said before i would not be someone's back up

Original poster

rockabillyruby82 · 08/10/2015 19:31

Until he moves into new place he's looking after DS here. If I could not work to avoid this I would.
Don't worry, he won't be slinking his way back in that easy!! Or at all actually!

OP posts:

Original poster

rockabillyruby82 · 08/10/2015 19:32

I am loving holding the cards evil laugh

OP posts:

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