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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So the cheater got played

89 replies

rockabillyruby82 · 07/10/2015 15:50

Hey,
I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my unfortunate discovery that my H had been having an affair.
I slung him out, I've had ups, downs, all the emotions and have wanted him back some days.
Today he came round to see our DS and went out with him. Whilst gone I looked on his computer and he had left himself logged into FB. I read his conversations between him and OW (rotten of me I know)
And it would seem that she proclaimed her love for him and he said he loves her and now that he has left our home and found a place to live she isn't interested! The messages got a bit heated, he was clearly upset and angry at her.
I know I shouldn't but I am taking great joy out of his pain. She obviously wanted a fling with a married man and used him. Now he has nothing.
I think he deserves this. In the messages he spoke about me and how I changed after having PND and he didn't love me anymore.
I'm 19 weeks pregnant, I'm scared and anxious about the future but this had made it a little brighter.
Am I a bitch??

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/10/2015 17:17

It's still very raw, I'm hurt and I hate it but I still love him. And there is our DS and baby

All this is utterly natural, and actually there's no need to think too far ahead right now. What I'd definitely suggest is that you keep him as far away as possible while you come to terms with it all over time ... what he'll want now his dream has gone is very clear, and you don't need the pressure he'll put on you

Always remember that if his plans had worked out he certainly wouldn't try to get back home; if you went on with him you'd have to find some way of living with that knowledge, wondering when it would happen again. You're still young and can easily start again in time - please don't waste years on him, only to find yourself no further forward

Phoenix0x0 · 07/10/2015 17:18

You. Most. Definately. Are. Not. A. Bitch.

If he does try to crawl back, please please remember how he treated you prior to the affair being exposed.

What you said in your last post sounds good.

Phoenix0x0 · 07/10/2015 17:23

I forgot to say this:

As you have read the messages, if he comes crawling back (he may/may not) and says something like 'I had second thoughts....it wasn't like I thought it would be with her' etc etc.....then that really should tell you (as a PP said) that you are merely the back up.

TheBitchOfDestiny · 07/10/2015 17:36

serves him right

OP he WILL be crawling back to you - take it from one who has been there!!

DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK

magoria · 07/10/2015 17:41

Your feelings are natural and understandable.

Just never forget. If she hadn't dumped his sorry arse he would be with her now.

You deserve better than will do as better option dumped me.

Jux · 07/10/2015 17:47

Good on you, rockabilly!

Yes, play with him, he doesn't deserve your sympathy or empathy. He has betrayed you in the worst way and while you're pg too; he will certainly lie to you about his reasons for wanting to come back. He will wheedle, he may spend some time just being a nice cheery bloke and being a great dad, but it will last as long as he needs it to in order to get his feet back under the table.

Hold firm until you've had time to really sort your emotions out and know definitely what you want long term. Meanwhile, your ds will be getting used to the new normal of his dad visiting and taking him out.

Btw, it can be quite confusing for young children of parents who've recently split to see their parents together and the nrp in the family home. It might be easier for ds to adjust if there is a handover at the door,but see how it goes with however you're playing it now. Worth thinking about though.

Whatever you do, don't give ex meals at your place, all lovely family together la la la, iyswim.

Sighing · 07/10/2015 17:49

Strength to you OP. You've done the right thing. You and DC deserve to be the priority of your partner. He's not up to the task of putting the stability of child and partner front and centre on his life.

M0rven · 07/10/2015 17:55

Do not take him back

Whatever happens , he needs time on his own to work out where he went wrong . To understand the poor choices he made . Why he threw away his marriage and his family . Why he cheated on his pregnant wife ( classy ) .

If you take him back now or soon , he will just do the same thing again, next time life is a bit tough. Which given his past form , will be in approximately 21 weeks from now . .....

springydaffs · 07/10/2015 17:56

Fuck the high road. Torture him. String it out for as long as you like. How does it feel to be on the other side of it then wankface?

You love him now bcs you're having to catch up. Plus you're pg, emotions all over the shop. Give it time, your attachment to him will drop off. Flowers

Bcs imo there's no coming back from being cheated on and verbally abused while pg. Unless he eats dirt for the foreseeable. But at the moment it looks like he's hedging his bets, no dirt in sight. He doesn't know you know. I'd use that iiwy.

Sorry this has happened to you lovely xx

M0rven · 07/10/2015 17:57

Or what springy daffs said Grin

WimpyArseWanks · 07/10/2015 18:00

You are definitely not a bitch OP, just keep strong and be prepared for him to come crawling back.

BiggaBanga · 07/10/2015 18:05

Does he know you're carrying? Whatever, keep him at long arms length until after baby is weaned! Someone wrote " No meals etc" and that is good advice. Just "collect DS and bring him back when you've had enough" is the order of the day. Definitely no overnight stops!!!

Original poster
rockabillyruby82 · 07/10/2015 18:20

Yes, he knows and so did OW!!

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 07/10/2015 20:48

Rockabilly, it really is the worse kind of betrayal in my opinion. I have a very low opinion of OW's in general but to do that to somebody who's pregnant is beneath contempt. What a vile creature she must be. Springy of course is absolutely right, listen to her. She was a tower of strength when this happened to me waves at Springy Smile

Robotgirl · 07/10/2015 21:05

Glad this has made you feel brighter, OP.
What a total fucking idiot he is.

Jux · 07/10/2015 22:28

I don't know whether OW is horrid or not, but the person who should be on the receiving end of the wrath here is not her, it is the ex. He is the one who made vows and then broke them. SFAWK the OW hasn't broken any promises to the op, and she certainly hasn't been unfaithful to her in any way.

I will never understand why people hate the OW. Yes, she will have different morals to people who wouldn't ever become an OW (how do they know?), but that's it. It's the ex who is a despicable piece of shit

BathtimeFunkster · 07/10/2015 22:39

Sleeping with a married man with a child and a newly pregnant wife makes you a despicable piece of shit.

You shouldn't have to promise not to act like a cunt towards other people.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/10/2015 22:49

Jux, I have a very very different view for very very valid reasons. Not appropriate to go into here in any detail, but what the OW in my case put me and my kids through defies any rational explanation. However, the OW in this case knew the OP was pregnant, I am sorry, that makes you a despicable piece of shit. As Bath so succinctly put.

Original poster
rockabillyruby82 · 07/10/2015 22:54

I appreciate your opinion Jux My hatred has changed over the course of the last 10 days. Initially I was feeled with rage at both, it has moved more to H now. BUT the OW has been round my home, played with my DS, has been friendly towards me. What kind of a person does that?
I just can't imagine what would make a woman behave that way?
I know if it were not her it would have been someone else in time but she has got some of the responsibility and I certainly do not want her anywhere near me or my DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
rockabillyruby82 · 07/10/2015 22:59

Oh and just to add. The conversation I read on FB, there was some nasty comments from her about me in regards to my PND and previous eating disorders.
There was also a point in the conversation when she jokingly suggested I might be reading his messages and started saying 'Hello' to me!! WTF??
Nasty, nasty lady bitch!

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 07/10/2015 23:39

Christ Rock...she sounds wonderful deranged. That is somebody who has enjoyed breaking up your family and causing pain for you. I would put money on her being jealous of you. Now she's done her worse, she's walked away. Your husband is an utter prick.

PaulInHolland · 08/10/2015 06:54

Your possible stbx is undoubtedly a lowlife cheating on you whilst pg.But he is also the father of your DS and your soon to be DC.so before doing anything too extreme,think what your DC (s) would think about such actions when they are older.

Original poster
rockabillyruby82 · 08/10/2015 07:03

It's all I can think about Paul
I come from a broken home and I know all too well how upsetting it can be for DC. But I don't intend to make the same mistakes my parents made just as I don't intend to be unhappy for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
thehypocritesoaf · 08/10/2015 07:08

Of course the ow is horrid. Bizarre to suggest that this is 'normal' behaviour - it's despicable.

You op sound great! Stay strong.

thehypocritesoaf · 08/10/2015 07:44

How do you mean 'extreme' Paul?

I doubt anything op will do will be as extreme as a married father having an affair/falling in love and leaving his pregnant wife for another woman.

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