Was this a step too far from dh?

[Someonesgotmyname]

Just in brief really as I'm just a bit confused about what happened the other evening during a particularly nasty row. It happened after we had gone to bed. We had a big row which resulted in dh getting out of bed, shouting at me that I was being unreasonable . I was laying down and the light was off. Next thing I know he has whacked a pillow hard into my face as I lay there in the dark. I was so shocked I got up and called him all sorts of expletives asking wtf did he think he was doing. He then ridiculed me and made light of it saying it was only a pillow etc. And did I want to call police to say I'd been assaulted!!!! What do you all think I should make of this? As I say it was a nasty row but too much?

You are both abused and abusers. What are you both going to do?

You started by saying:
Next thing I know he has whacked a pillow hard into my face as I lay there in the dark.

and now you are saying:

But he didn't hit me exactly did he? He whacked a soft pillow at me!

which are quite different descriptions of the event, and it's hard to tell whether that has changed because you feel you were originally a little harsh in your description or because you are making excuses for him.

We only have your words to go on - the advice given on this thread is based on what you have told us, so if you feel that you genuinely misrepresented the situation in your OP, then that is fair enough. All I know is that if my husband had done what you described in your OP I would have been livid, and it would have made me question our relationship - the only way I can imagine moving past it would be if he was immediately and totally apologetic, remorseful and keen to put things right.

I would only feel moderately less furious if he had done what you describe in later posts - any physical lashing out in anger, especially to someone who is lying down and completely oblivious to what is coming their way, is inappropriate in my book. But you have to deal with it in whatever way you see fit, so I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can find a way to resolve your differences.

You said you're 'no soft touch,' implying that real DV victims who stay with partners are 'soft' (ie they stay because they're too weak to leave) and you also used the terms 'wife beater' and 'battered wife' to refer to a stereotype of the violent thug and the withered woman. You don't seem to see that DV happens in all sorts of relationships and takes many forms.

Blimey penfold, that's a bit strong as you've not met either of us!
Dojo, you are quite right, it is difficult to accurately describe it how it happened. All I know is my reaction was definitely not to be frightened but annoyed which I think is quite telling in itself. Thanks all for your time but I think I can deal with it from here, thanks again.

You also seem to think that abusers must hit and bruise, when in fact it's well documented that DV starts with things like stepping on toes, hugging too tight, 'accidentally' pushing someone, hitting someone with a pillow. Women are 'soft' and stay because by the time they have z black eye they've already had years of ignoring and excusing other 'smaller' aggressions and they have no boundaries any more.

You've already accepted for years that you and your DH will shout and be nasty to each other. Now, you are keen to accept that your DH will shock and upset you with aggression and refuse to apologise. What will be next?

OP sorry you think it's strong.

Sometimes I think that people's own experiences with dv can make them assume the worst.

Oh, that's nice.

Sometimes I think that people's own experiences with dv can make them recognise it when they see it.

You clearly want to go down the "hope it doesn't happen again" route, rather than the "deal with things and find a way to communicate effectively" route.

If that's what you want, go for it. No one has said that DV is going to happen, but they've pointed out the warning signs and said you're right to assert your boundaries. That's what you do in a healthy relationship when something bothers you. Your partner doesn't have to agree. If I said to dh tomorrow, "please don't stroke my elbow, I don't like it", he wouldn't need to understand why it bothered me, to stop doing it.

You're being told that something you didn't like, something that upset you, is you overreacting. Lots of people have told you that they would react the same and they wouldn't like it.

Now you're saying that everyone who has empathised with you is as wrong as you are. If that's what you need to believe, go for it.

What I will say, since I don't think you're going to get anything more out of this thread, is that I really hope that his defensiveness is actually guilt, and that he sorts it out and that you find a way to communicate.

If the worse were to happen, and things were to escalate, then don't feel like you couldn't post again asking for help. There're always people with advice here who are willing to listen. You're not duty bound to take any advice :)

Good luck