Was this a step too far from dh?

[Someonesgotmyname]

Just in brief really as I'm just a bit confused about what happened the other evening during a particularly nasty row. It happened after we had gone to bed. We had a big row which resulted in dh getting out of bed, shouting at me that I was being unreasonable . I was laying down and the light was off. Next thing I know he has whacked a pillow hard into my face as I lay there in the dark. I was so shocked I got up and called him all sorts of expletives asking wtf did he think he was doing. He then ridiculed me and made light of it saying it was only a pillow etc. And did I want to call police to say I'd been assaulted!!!! What do you all think I should make of this? As I say it was a nasty row but too much?

Would he think it acceptable to hit someone in the face with something nice and soft if he was having an argument at work, with a friend, with a relative? With his daughter?

The object he used was soft and wouldn't have hurt you, but the action of hitting you with it was violent. He was acting out an aggressive impulse during an argument. Doing this with a soft object doesn't lessen that impulse. And you being in the wrong doesn't make what he did OK.

If my DP did this to me, I would be extremely upset. I'm not sure I'd be leaving just like that, but I would be having a serious talk about why it was completely unacceptable, and expecting him to agree without reservation.

What was the argument about? Your step daughter? Does she behave as badly as her father?

I think I will sit him down this evening and tell him that I don't think that was acceptable. I'm also going to try and set some ground rules about how we should deal with disagreements in the future. It's strange though because normally if he has been an arse he will immediately say sorry and we will talk about it and move on, however this time neither of us have mentioned it. It happened Thursday night so a few days for him to be contrite. But not a word of apology. Could it be he actually really doesn't even think he's done anything wrong at all?

No imperial, she's lovely. It was about him the night before changing our plans ( his dm coming for dinner) to go and pick her up, over an hour round trip. I was annoyed and said I couldn't understand why he agreed to it. He said he would do it for any of our kids, not just her. He then accused me of being a jealous cow and then the rest of the argument continued as I explained.

If he hits me, he's gone

He did hit you.

With a pillow this time. In the dark, so you couldn't see it coming. Horrible.

And no apology??

Yes I would say he probably doesn't think he did anything wrong, and each time you bring it up in the future he will minimise it more and more and keep placing emphasis on the fact that it was a soft object therefore you are overreacting.

And deep down he probably feels he was entitled to do it.
Sorry, it sounds horrible please be careful and look carefully at his reactions after your talk later

Definitely if he hits you he is gone, but if he continues to disrespect you and shout at you, then the same applies. It is just a different kind of abusive behaviour. Shutting down arguments can be done by walking out of the room, taking 5 and/or counting to a hundred, and perhaps he needs to be reminded if that happens again, ever, there will be consequences to his actions.

I am with you when it comes to zero tolerance to any violence. Disrespectful behaviour is a red card. Agree to not to talk/row late at night, everyone is tired and not listening carefully, and there often isn't enough time to talk it through properly I find and just leads to escalation.

He has definitely crossed the line. I would be very worried about this escalating in future. I am a bit confused by you saying if he hits you he is gone. He has hit you? Do you mean hits you with a fist? If he shoves you, or slaps you next time is that still OK? I would be seriously thinking about whether you want to continue this relationship now, rather than waiting until he actually hurts you.

Well it didn't hurt me and he knew it wouldn't. It's not the same as a proper hit in my opinion. BUT it was disrespectful and violent. I am not minimising this, I'm being analytical in trying to work out my next move. He did try to walk out after that, but I followed him to continue the argument that he tried to shut down. He just took himself off to the sofa and I went up to bed.
I don't know how unreasonable I was being about his daughter, I've lost all perspective! Would I expect him to pick up our other kids, if they needed him to? Yes, of course I would. So there is more than a grain of truth in his accusations.

It doesn't matter what the argument was or who was right.

What's a 'proper hit'? Does it have to leave a mark/use a fist?

You've had a row!
Everyone row's and we all react differently.
Get over it and make up....or is there something else? is there a back story? are you always rowing? have you had enough? do you feel threated? scared?

Drew, thank you for your post. I'm inclined to agree with you. The back story is really just years of plans being rearranged to suit dsd (16) or more accurately, his ex. I have been unreasonable at times and yes, the intense relationship he has with sds has been an issue for me. Things like her following him from room to room, and being very clingy. Usual step family stuff I guess. I have NEVER been unkind or nasty to my dsd and we don't have any conflicts between the two of us at all. I don't feel scared or threatened but I do feel resentful and sad.

we all react differently
Do you mean you think it was ok to hit the OP?

Well it didn't hurt me and he knew it wouldn't. It's not the same as a proper hit in my opinion. BUT it was disrespectful and violent.

What if he did something similar to someone he didn't know - hit them in the face with an object (albeit a soft one) during an argument? Do you think they would consider it 'not a proper hit'? What if it was one of your kids he had done this to?

He doesn't get to have lower standards of behaviour because he's supposed to love you, quite the opposite. And his immediate response wasn't 'Oh shit - what have I done, that was completely out of line' it was to minimise it, make light of it and mock you for daring to complain that he had just hit you in the face. That doesn't sound like the reaction of someone who has lost control in the heat of the moment - it sounds like someone who doesn't believe the rules apply to them.

laureywilliams

Do you mean you think it was ok to hit the OP?

Yes, he has not laid into her, he walloped her with his pillow. It was a big row, seemingly.
But we all make up, say sorry. It's happened in a heated moment and I dare say that she could have done the same or even retaliated. It's not the end of the world, it's a row and there is no evidence of any other violence.
Don't try to blow it out of proprtion

You mean its ok because its part of a big argument?

Do you hit your wife Drew? (gently or otherwise)

It's never ok to hit someone, whether it hurts or not, especially not ok to mock them for being upset about it afterwards. It just shows contempt for them, it's no way to treat a partner. The only time I'd hit someone with a pillow would be in a playful pillow fight, I'd never hit them in anger, and I'd be unsettled and furious if someone thought it was ok to hit me in the face when it was dark, as I was lying down and not interacting with them, after the argument had seemingly died down.

I would feel the same way as the OP. It's easy to feel that you are overreacting when someone has effectively thrown something very soft at you that didn't hurt. It's not a LTB moment taken out of context and I don't think it necessarily means, as others seem to be suggesting, that it will necessarily lead to hitting or worse violence. I do agree that how he reacts now is important - feeling that someone you are in a relationship is contemptuous of you is a devastating feeling, whether they are violent or not.

If my dh walloped me with a pillow whilst we were happily messing about, then that would be fine. If he did it in the middle of an argument, then he's doing it in anger, and that's not fine.

Before DV erupts into painful violence there is a lot of boundary crossing in the build up. Something to watch out for is poking. If during an argument your other half pokes you in anger, it's a bad sign. It's blurring boundaries and building up your tolerance to being touched during an argument.

This could be a one off or it could be an escalation. I wouldn't want to bet on which it is, I would be putting some firm boundaries in place. I would be expecting remorse, not someone justifying their actions.

There are lots of violent actions that don't physically hurt. He could smash something of yours. He could punch a wall next to you. He could spit at you.

Pain isn't an indicator.

Make it very clear that he has crossed a boundary, and that if it happens again you will be treating it as an act of violence (since now you're being really clear with him that that's how you see it, he can't pretend not to know in the future).

Sounds like the communication between you needs a lot of work. I hope you find a way to sort it all.

I'm a bit concerned that you have focused on Drew's post OP, which is the only one to minimise what was done. It makes me worry that your DH has succeeded in making you doubt yourself. I think you must know it was unacceptable though, or you wouldn't be posting here.

Also I will say, I'm no soft touch. If he hits me, he's gone.

Women who live with domestic violence are not "soft touches". They are often strong, educated and successful. They minimise, try to rationalise and slowly learn to accept living with with someone who assaults them. They alter their boundaries, so that they don't see a 'shove' or being pinned down as a 'hit'.

Drew I'd be concerned that in a discussion about what constitutes domestic violence you make comments such as,
-It's happened in a heated moment
-I dare say that she could have done the same
-or even retaliated.
-It's not the end of the world,
-it's a row and there is no evidence of any other violence.
-Don't try to blow it out of proportion
Who are you trying to convince?

OP, listen to FuckyouChris. She know what's she's talking about.

A wallop in anger is very different from a wallop in jest. Please don't minimise this. Maybe he will listen and talk about it rationally, and never do it again. Maybe he will continue to minimise and excuse himself and shout over you and whatever comes next.

How long have you been together?

I do agree that how he reacts now is important

He's already reacted - he isn't sorry and he thought it was appropriate to laugh at the OP and dismiss her anger when she shouted at him for doing it.

So we've just had a chat tonight. I told him that I think the way we have argued in the past is not very healthy, and that I was really not happy about the events the other night. He brought up, quite rightly too, an occasion years ago when I lunged at him during an argument. He asked me if that was acceptable then? He also reminded me of how he has never brought that up, just brushed it off. He now feels pissed off at my double standards which is fair enough.
I just don't know what to make of it all really. To start with, he still tried to laugh it off and say it was only a pillow etc. Then he raised the original argument about dsd again which we ended up arguing about again!!! I pointed out that he is ultra defensive about anything to do with her and that things were fine in that respect as we all get on well nearly all of the time. He just feels annoyed about the way I've dealt with things in the past and its making him over react now. He doesn't really see that he's done anything that bad!
Anyway he's now gone out as he had planned and I'm sat here wishing I'd never brought it up!