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Original poster

When you know somebody is cheating on their wife, what is the right thing to do?

54 replies

Iusedtobeapenguin · 04/10/2015 15:06

A few years ago a relative told DH he had a one night stand with a stranger when his wife had only just given birth to their first child. He didn't seem remorseful, he was if anything talking in a 'boastful' way. DH was angry and gave him a lecture on what a t**t he was being and they had a bit of a fall out over it. The wife was never told and doesn't know.

Things thawed slightly and we see the family now and again, although we're not close anymore. However things have been said by mutual friends and DH has witnessed something himself that suggests this man is a serial cheater and it wasn't just a one off. We are both pretty disgusted by this - he has a lovely wife & children and he seems to not give a toss that he's putting all that at risk.

So what do we do? Are we being as bad as him by sitting back and saying nothing or is it none of our business? We struggle to be around them when it winds us up so much, but does that just man we should keep our distance more?

She seems completely oblivious and happy, which makes it worse in a way.

So when do you tell and when do you keep out of it?

OP posts:
Madbengalmum · 04/10/2015 15:07

Stay out of it op.

LovelyPostItNotes · 04/10/2015 15:09

I would want to know.

Original poster
Iusedtobeapenguin · 04/10/2015 15:11

lovely that's what I keep thinking. And I think that's the only thing making me think I shouldnt keep out of it Sad

OP posts:
LovelyPostItNotes · 04/10/2015 15:13

but, you are the messenger, and you will get shot so...

dementedma · 04/10/2015 15:13

Mind your own business?

Kinsman · 04/10/2015 15:15

I found out that my ex had cheated on me for a year and that our friends all knew but didn't tell me. It was a bitter pill to swallow. If you accept that your friendship is over if you tell but don't care, then tell. If his friendship is more important keep it to yourselves. She probably suspects anyway and it might be a relief to find out that she's not imagining it all..

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 04/10/2015 15:29

I would rather know.

I'd hate to find out that, not only had my husband been unfaithful, but people knew.

Make sure your facts are correct first though.

wickedwaterwitch · 04/10/2015 15:38

Stay out of it

Cherrybakewells1 · 04/10/2015 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 04/10/2015 15:40

I'd find a way to tell her. I'd certainly want to know, especially as it sounds like he's risking her health with his indiscriminantly wandering dick.

Cerseirys · 04/10/2015 15:48

It is a tricky one OP, as it might be that his wife already knows but chooses to turn a blind eye.

Cherrybakewells1 · 04/10/2015 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 04/10/2015 16:23

I think most women have no idea, Cerseirys

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/10/2015 16:49

Don't know if this helps, but one way out would be to tell him he's got until a certain date to tell her himself or you'll do it for him

At least, that way, it would be coming from the person it should

CarnivalBearSetFree · 04/10/2015 18:35

I would want to know if my partner was cheating on me. If I was you I think I would find a way to tell her but only with proof/others that are willing to back me up

category12 · 04/10/2015 18:47

As someone who was cheated on and lied to for years, I think I would prefer to be told. Fuck knows, maybe I would have rejected the message, but so many times I thought I was going mad or being unduly suspicious because bad person... I think having it laid out for me might have been better.

I don't really know, but don't underestimate the damage of suspecting but not knowing.

loveyoutothemoon · 04/10/2015 18:49

I think she should know, and I agree you'd be better with proof to tell her with.

BrandNewAndImproved · 04/10/2015 18:51

Stay out of it.

It's easy for strangers online to say they would want to know but maybe she already knows and doesn't want to know.

Starkswillriseagain · 04/10/2015 18:54

I would want to know but from my OH. I would tell him that you are disgusted by his behaviour and don't want anything more to do with him. I'd also make it clear you will never lie for him and if his wife asked, you would tell her.

What does your husband want to do?

marzipan123 · 04/10/2015 22:52

It depends who the innocent party is whether I would spill the beans. If it was my sister I may consider telling her... If it was an aquaintance, I would keep out of it. If it was a close friend I would consider telling her... But it's such a big thing to tell. It could result in huge consequences, not good ones!

Original poster
Iusedtobeapenguin · 05/10/2015 00:44

starks DH would prefer to keep out of it - not only by not getting involved but by seeing this relative as little as possible. He is very much of the opinion that you concentrate on keeping your own family and life happy and don't get involved with other people's....

He has also told the man in no uncertain terms what he thinks of him so in a way has find something and not just sat on the sidelines - which I suppose is what I am doing.

I suppose it's just got me thinking about the bigger picture. Someone cheats and other people know for whatever reason. Everybody is disgusted but nobody actually does anything about it - and that includes me Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Iusedtobeapenguin · 05/10/2015 00:47

marzipan it's a relative of my husband who's cheating. We've Akita been on friendly terms with his wife, but not particularly close. If it were somebody I was close to I think I would have to tell her; my sister etc...

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 05/10/2015 00:55

Tough, but I would tell. He isnt being discreet by the sound of it, so chances are she will find out sooner or later anyway.

Its bad enough feeling the humiliation of being cheated on without the added pain for knowing that your nearest and dearest knew but didnt tell you.

Yes you may well get shot as the messenger, but only initially, hopefully as she recovers she will come to thank you. And if she doesnt then you can sleep at night knowing that you did the right thing for your conscience.

LookAtMeGo · 05/10/2015 01:01

I've never understood the whole 'keep out of it' thing on MN. I would definitely want to be told if o was being played for a fool and my whole life was a lie. In fact, finding out that others knew would just make it 100 times worse. If I were in your position I would not tell the wife directly though, as I know the messenger is usually shot, and also you would make an enemy of the philandering husband. I would only tell if I knew there was no way it could come back on me.

I was hit on by the husband of a close friend and I just withdrew from the relationship. I told my DH, who contacted the philanderer and putbyhevfear of God into him. He told him that if he so much as even looked at me again he would tell his wife what had gone on. I was mortified, as I felt embarrassed/ responsible even though it wasn't my fault. Unfortunately the woman usually comes out worst and so I had no desire for it to come out, even though I had done nothing wrong

LookAtMeGo · 05/10/2015 01:03

I feel embarrassed each time I bump into the husband even though he should be the embarrassed one! He struts around like god's gift Angry