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Original poster

When you know somebody is cheating on their wife, what is the right thing to do?

54 replies

Iusedtobeapenguin · 04/10/2015 15:06

A few years ago a relative told DH he had a one night stand with a stranger when his wife had only just given birth to their first child. He didn't seem remorseful, he was if anything talking in a 'boastful' way. DH was angry and gave him a lecture on what a t**t he was being and they had a bit of a fall out over it. The wife was never told and doesn't know.

Things thawed slightly and we see the family now and again, although we're not close anymore. However things have been said by mutual friends and DH has witnessed something himself that suggests this man is a serial cheater and it wasn't just a one off. We are both pretty disgusted by this - he has a lovely wife & children and he seems to not give a toss that he's putting all that at risk.

So what do we do? Are we being as bad as him by sitting back and saying nothing or is it none of our business? We struggle to be around them when it winds us up so much, but does that just man we should keep our distance more?

She seems completely oblivious and happy, which makes it worse in a way.

So when do you tell and when do you keep out of it?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/10/2015 01:05

I'd tell her. I don't understand the whole keep out of it thing, either. He made it your business when he went round boasting about it.

TheCraicDealer · 05/10/2015 01:14

If he's the type of man I think he is (cocksure, boastful, overly confident) then either he'll be able to talk his way out of it or she'll not be able to conscience leaving him even if she does think it's true.

I think there's a big difference between having suspicions and having them confirmed or stumbling on evidence yourself, as opposed to someone telling you that "he's up to something but I have nothing concrete to prove it". If you're so inclined the latter is much, much easier to explain away to yourself.

Unless she has confided in you that she's unhappy or suspicious then you are not the right person to deliver this information. I don't think many people would leave their partner based on the suspicions of an extended family member; even if she does suspect something for the same reasons as your DH she may be deciding what course of action to take and feel embarrassed that everyone seemly knows her business.

Just don't say anything based on what you have now. Unless you see him in over the road's front bedroom dipping his willy in a beaker, it'll just ruin your relationship and you won't be able to be there for her when she does need you.

Bogeyface · 05/10/2015 01:14

He made it your business when he went round boasting about it.

I agree with this.

"Mind your own business" only works when the person concerned doesnt make it your business by putting someone in the position that the OP is now in. If he didnt want it to become common knowledge he should have kept his lying gob shut.

Iflyaway · 05/10/2015 01:23

You say she's "oblivious and happy". I think that means she knows or has an inkling and prefers to keep the status quo.

I wouldn't get involved. Especially not if it's family. With friends the fall out can be horrendous, with family too but the difference is that you have to deal with them the rest of your life (even if they're out of it, it will pop up when stuff happens).

I personally don't feel the need to police other people's lives. But will be there for a shoulder to cry on.

Yambabe · 05/10/2015 01:26

OP and her DH knew about the first ONS because of the boast.

It appears that at the moment there is only rumour regarding any current extra-marital activity - even DH has witnessed behaviour that only "suggests" that he is still cheating, not that he actually is. If the gossip has reached relatives who are not close, it's quite possible it has already reached the wife too and no intervention id required anyway.

Based on that I would stay out of it.

If definite proof came to light I might reconsider, but I do tend to find that cocksure boastful men tend to be much better at cheating in their heads than in real life iyswim?

LookAtMeGo · 05/10/2015 01:45

MN is WEIRD! Severely hurt wives versus people who think ignorance is bliss!id love to know if they're the same people!

LookAtMeGo · 05/10/2015 01:49

"I wish I didn't know he was a cock-sucking/fanny sucking arsehole! God punish that bitch that told me! My life was perfect before! Now I have to confront it!"

Bogeyface · 05/10/2015 01:57

Look Some people really dont want to know.

The facts can be staring them in the face but rather than deal with it and face ending their marriage they would rather stay and ignore. Sometimes for financial reasons, sometimes in the mistaken belief that its better for the kids to be in a 2 parent unhappy family, sometimes just because they would rather be married and cheated on than risk being alone.

HipHipHurrah · 05/10/2015 05:49

I would want to know, because my health would be at stake as much as anything (STDs etc). I would never shoot down the messenger, as long as they're coming from a good place (ie, not gleefully telling me etc)

Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 06:07

after discovering over the last couple of weeks that my husband has been lying to me about a woman he met I would want to be told rather than stumble upon it by accident.
I'm sure my h's friends know something as the ow is the best friend of my h's friends new wife and they met at the wedding( if that makes Sense!)
I just feel like they've all be laughing at me behind my back-it's a horrible way to feel.

MI6Agent · 05/10/2015 06:18

I have been in the position of the OP

It killed me knowing what a fucking cock the lady was marrying. it caused no end of arguments between DH and I because he was close to the serial cheater's entire family (close family friend grew up together) and didn't want our names to be the messengers.

Three weeks before the wedding, she found out about a ONS from the woman who he'd slept with.

The wedding still went ahead.

The husband continued to cheat throughout their marriage.

To this day I don't know if she knew about all of the ONS but she certainly knew of the one and stopped with him.

It went against all of my values to keep quiet but, for the sake of my DH's relationship with others, it was right for me not to say. I considered everything though - anonymous letter, calling from a pay phone, having it out with the twat and telling his mum.

Good luck op, it's tough to keep quiet but I don't rule out that she doesn't already know.

CheerfulYank · 05/10/2015 06:32

I'd tell.

wannaBe · 05/10/2015 07:03

IMO telling anonymously is cowardly plus would be much harder for the wife as she would never know who knew and who told and so not only would she be left with the knowledge that her h was cheating but she would wonder every time she saw someone she knew whether they were the one who told, etc. An anonymous letter is IMO a worse position to put someone in than for them to not know at all. If people feel they must tell, then they should at least have the courage of their convictions and put their name to their message. If someone feels they can't do that then they should stay out of it.

I wouldn't tell her. But I would tell him that I knew. And I would tell him to think about the fact that, if I know, then he has no idea who else might know, iyswim, or who else might tell his wife, so he should perhaps think about that.

I knew a woman years ago who had an affair which it turned out was the catelist to leave a seriously abusive relationship. Now while an affair is not the answer to get out of such a relationship, not all situations are black and white, and many people do actually find the courage to leave when they meet someone else. Had anyone seen fit to tell her h she was having an affair she could actually have been put in danger.

LittleCandle · 05/10/2015 07:19

I received an anonymous phone call telling me XH was cheating on me. I didn't believe it at first, even though we were going through a prolonged rough patch, but when I confronted him, he confirmed it. I threw him out. He was sorry I had found out, but apparently not sorry he had cheated. I would find a way to let this woman know - and although the anonymous call was hurtful at the time, it did me a massive favour!

Nottodaythankyouorever · 05/10/2015 07:31

My DH did tell his friend that his wife was having an affair.

DH knew because he worked with his friends wife and it was a colleague that she was having an affair with.

It did however come about because DH friend said to my DH that he thought his wife was having an affair and could it be possible.

DH wouldn't lie so told him the truth.

calzone · 05/10/2015 07:39

My Grandad had an affair for 25 years.

Everyone in the village knew apart from my Granny.

She said that was the part that hurt the most.

I would tell. I would want to know.

But I would make sure I had proof.

MissApple · 05/10/2015 07:51

They are relatives?? Keep well out of it

Blu · 05/10/2015 08:26

So for recent events all you have is second had reports and something which 'suggests'.

And you don't sound especially close to this relative? And it isn't your side of the family?

Original poster
Iusedtobeapenguin · 05/10/2015 13:04

No it's not my side of the family; it's DH's, although he isn't close to this person (mainly because he's distanced himself since being told about the ONS).

I am still struggling with what to do - probably because every time I think about it my blood boils and I want something to happen to wipe the smug smile off his face..

Ironically, over the last couple of days a mutual friend has posted a pic of him on a well know photo sharing site on a 'lads night out'. It's a close up pic and you can clearly see he's not wearing his wedding ring. Part of me really hopes his wife clocks it...

OP posts:
Whatthefoxgoingon · 05/10/2015 13:14

I probably would take the cowards way out and send anonymous letter. I couldn't go on pretending all was hunky dory for long. I'd burst.

CocoChanel22 · 05/10/2015 13:16

I would want to know, I'd be upset that people knew and hadn't told me tbh! Better late than never...

Joysmum · 05/10/2015 14:16

I'd be fucking furious if people didn't tell me because of some misguided 'shoot the messenger' concern.

Since when did a little awkwardness trump some poor woman wasting her life on a man like that.

SansaryaAgain · 05/10/2015 14:18

I do know a few people who have shot the messenger though. Said messenger thought they were doing their friend a favour, turned out she knew about his cheating ways all along but was avoiding having to confront him. They're still together but she no longer speaks to her friend.

springydaffs · 05/10/2015 14:24

The humiliation of not only being cheated on but that everybody knew!! There can't be much that isn't more humiliating than that Sad

I'm not sure letting someone know anonymously is cowardly, actually. The important thing is to convey the information, doesn't matter how it gets there.

springydaffs · 05/10/2015 14:28

I'd rather risk losing a friend than keeping quiet.

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