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Original poster

Is this ea? Outburst In the car....

92 replies

midlifehope · 29/09/2015 17:29

DP has just had a big outburst in the car. It was triggered by something apparently minor. We had been to the park together with our three-year-old ds and newborn baby. On the way home we stopped by the shop as I fancied an ice lolly and DP said okay if you get us all one. So in I went with three-year-old. I decided to get some supplies for dinner whilst in there as I can't drive due to a C section. The three-year-old also wanted a magazine, which I said okay to and put it in my basket. As I was finishing up my shop dp stormed in making a bit of a scene and pulled the comic out of the basket saying "he can't have one I've said no already today". I replied saying well I said yes now and he repeated that ds couldn't have it. He then carried a crying three-year-old out of the shop. Not wanting to disappoint Ds I put it back in the basket as I had already said he could have it. I went back to the car and we started to drive home. DP kicked off swearing his head off, driving faster than usual a little bit, telling me he'd had to wait too long in a hot car and that is undermined him by buying the comic. I stayed calm for the sake of the kids and told him to reign himself in. Basically he ranted for the whole journey home. and has now gone off on his own somewhere. This seems such an over reaction to such a tiny thing. It seems very controlling. Is this emotional abuse?

OP posts:
StanSmithsChin · 29/09/2015 17:35

Is this the only time he has done this?

I agree he over reacted, you took longer than first thought and sitting in a hot car waiting for somebody isn't pleasant. Regarding the magazine if he had already said no to Ds then you did undermine him. Granted his reaction/swearing was over the top but unless it is regular behaviour I would discuss it with him and ask that he not lose his temper like that again.

3littlefrogs · 29/09/2015 17:36

It is certainly an overreaction IMO.
What was the back ground to the comic scenario? Were you deliberately undermining your DH over something that happened earlier?
Is there a back story?
Does your DH do this sort of thing regularly?

Original poster
midlifehope · 29/09/2015 17:48

No backstory. I didn't even know you had said no to a magazine so wasn't consciously undermining him. But once I put it in the basket and DS had his heart on that I couldn't say no. It was just the corner shop and so I couldn't of been in there more than 10 minutes

OP posts:
Tearsoffrustration · 29/09/2015 18:08

Does he do this often?

loveyoutothemoon · 29/09/2015 21:46

He did overreact but he'd already told DS he couldn't have one so can definitely see where he's coming from.

Joysmum · 29/09/2015 22:05

If my DH had said no to something and I'd inadvertently said yes subsequently I'd have backed him up I'd expect him to do the same so DD learnt she couldn't play one off against the other.

You undermined him.

Shutthatdoor · 29/09/2015 22:11

If my DH had said no to something and I'd inadvertently said yes subsequently I'd have backed him up I'd expect him to do the same so DD learnt she couldn't play one off against the other.

I agree.

You did undermine him.

SlatternLikesToRest · 29/09/2015 22:14

I think you undermined him by buying the comic.

Unless the temper tantrum is a regular occurrence I would put it down to a bad day and move on.

BurningBridges · 29/09/2015 22:14

Oh well, if the OP undermined him over a comic (which she must have known even though she says she didn't) that justifies him being a dick. What with him having to wait ten minutes in a CAR. Christ. Poor love. Hmm

BurningBridges · 29/09/2015 22:15

I think we need to put the comic to one side (after all, we know we can't have it) and ask - is he always like this? I suspect you aren't posting on a one off?

Shutthatdoor · 29/09/2015 22:27

Oh well, if the OP undermined him over a comic (which she must have known even though she says she didn't) that justifies him being a dick

No, but it doesn't absolve the OP either. She did delibertley undermine her DH. I would have been pissed off to although maybe not to that extent

ToGoBoldly · 29/09/2015 22:42

How did she deliberately do it if she said she didn't know he'd already said no to the 3 year old earlier in the day? Surely all kids play that trick. "Daddy can I have a comic?" "No" . 2 hours later "Mummy can I have a comic?" "Of course, sweetie".

OP, he was a total dick.

DarkNavyBlue · 29/09/2015 22:46

I don't think it sounds like abuse, no.

Shutthatdoor · 29/09/2015 22:46

I says in her OP.

The comic was taken out of the basket and she put it back in as she didn't want to 'dissppoint' the child.

ToGoBoldly · 29/09/2015 22:48

He undermined you no less than you undermined him. I'd not respond well to someone storming into a co-op being aggressive at me for buying a comic, and buying it should not be seen as an act of undermining in these circumstances. You weren't to know that he said no to your son earlier in the day so he was totally unreasonable to get angry and frighten you with his driving because he felt "undermined" and had to wait in a car for a few minutes. He's not angry because you undermined him, because you did nothing of the sort. He is angry because you disobeyed him.

Funinthesun15 · 29/09/2015 22:50

It hadn't been bought. The OP bought it after the child had been taken out of the shop and he said the DC had been told no.

The OP still bought it.

ToGoBoldly · 29/09/2015 22:50

Yes but that's not undermining him, she originally said yes to the child in good faith, not knowing that the dad had said no earlier in the day, and bought it anyway because she was not going to cave to his bully boy angry tactics. If it were about a 15 year old daughter going to Ibiza for a week with a 22 year old lad, then they can have a barney about being undermined. But over a comic for a toddler? Just joke and say "cheeky thing, asking your mam after I said no!"

ToGoBoldly · 29/09/2015 22:54

So she disobeyed her husband for doing something that she didn't know he had said no to earlier in the day? He had absolutely no reason to be angry with her. Taking it out of the basket and telling her to not buy it was totally unnecessary in the first place. That's totally disproportionate and aggressive.

Bubblesinthesummer · 29/09/2015 22:56

Taking it out of the basket and telling her to not buy it was totally unnecessary in the first place. That's totally disproportionate and aggressive.

So is using the word 'disobey' tbh

ToGoBoldly · 29/09/2015 22:57

Aside from anything else, what is the child going to take away from this episode? That it's a bit cheeky to ask one parent for something if another has already said no, or that if mum does something wrong ,dad will shout and swear at her and drive aggressively?

Thelastthneed44 · 29/09/2015 22:57

Total over reaction by him, but I too would tell DD that she could not have the comic if DP told me (calmly) that he'd already said no to her that he'd already said no.

He shouldn't just stomach in and yank something out of the basket. So what if he had to wait a few minutes extra in the xar...

ToGoBoldly · 29/09/2015 22:59

Well no, because he's not angry because she undermined his parenting buy buying something for the kid (because she didn't plan to buy it to go against his wishes), he's angry because she did something totally reasonable when she was told not to, i.e. disobeyed him.

Thelastthneed44 · 29/09/2015 23:01

Think I need sleep Smile

ToGoBoldly · 29/09/2015 23:02

"Total over reaction by him, but I too would tell DD that she could not have the comic if DP told me (calmly) that he'd already said no to her that he'd already said no."

Exactly, should she have shown him that his little outburst was acceptable by doing as she was told?

definiteissues · 29/09/2015 23:07

He overreacted but you did undermine him so I can see why as well. I'd be pissed off as well (though not to that extent)

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