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Original poster

Is this ea? Outburst In the car....

92 replies

midlifehope · 29/09/2015 17:29

DP has just had a big outburst in the car. It was triggered by something apparently minor. We had been to the park together with our three-year-old ds and newborn baby. On the way home we stopped by the shop as I fancied an ice lolly and DP said okay if you get us all one. So in I went with three-year-old. I decided to get some supplies for dinner whilst in there as I can't drive due to a C section. The three-year-old also wanted a magazine, which I said okay to and put it in my basket. As I was finishing up my shop dp stormed in making a bit of a scene and pulled the comic out of the basket saying "he can't have one I've said no already today". I replied saying well I said yes now and he repeated that ds couldn't have it. He then carried a crying three-year-old out of the shop. Not wanting to disappoint Ds I put it back in the basket as I had already said he could have it. I went back to the car and we started to drive home. DP kicked off swearing his head off, driving faster than usual a little bit, telling me he'd had to wait too long in a hot car and that is undermined him by buying the comic. I stayed calm for the sake of the kids and told him to reign himself in. Basically he ranted for the whole journey home. and has now gone off on his own somewhere. This seems such an over reaction to such a tiny thing. It seems very controlling. Is this emotional abuse?

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 29/09/2015 23:08

Did everyone fucking miss that the OP is mere weeks after a C section? (Assumed based on not yet driving).

With that context, he is being MASSIVELY unreasonable. Possibly sleep deprived and stressed, maybe, if he isn't usually like this. But speeding, making a fuss about a stupid comic (that he hadn't said no to, FFS, he wasn't even in the shop, it was a totally different magazine).

Sorry but a few weeks after a C section, your DH should have gone in to get the ice lolly, he should be ensuring that there is food in so you don't feel the need to stock up on the way home from the park, he definitely shouldn't be moaning about having to wait too long in a car (FFS, it's not even that hot!)

Then swearing and ranting in front of 3yo, speeding with 2x kids in the car and your recently postpartum wife.

Just, no. Sorry, I can't excuse it. He's acted like an absolute dick and I can totally understand why you would ignore his wishes to put the comic back.

BertieBotts · 29/09/2015 23:10

And mention of a newborn (I think reasonable assumption)

daisydalrymple · 29/09/2015 23:12

Was just coming on to say similar to bertiebotts. And congratulations op and I hope things have been calmer both before and since the outburst.

ToGoBoldly · 29/09/2015 23:12

Yes, Bertie. I don't get the "yea he overreacted but you kind of provoked him" when that's not even what she was asking.

lavenderhoney · 29/09/2015 23:12

What was he making a scene about and why did he storm into the shop anyway?

Presumably whilst shouting and making this scene at you he noticed the comic? How were you to know he'd said no?

Where was the baby whilst all this was going on? And tbh, if you were just popping into the shop for lollies it might have taken more than ten minutes with the toddler choosing a comic and you deciding to get groceries as well.
You've just had a c section, you're hardly going to be rushing about.

Why didn't you dp offer to go into the shop, and manage a toddler and choose some food to cook if you have just had a c section and have a newborn?

BackInTheRealWorld · 29/09/2015 23:17

Just sounds like row to me.

BackInTheRealWorld · 29/09/2015 23:17

*A row

BertieBotts · 29/09/2015 23:33

And to elaborate on comic issue, why it's ludicrous he overreacted to it in the first place:

OP has just had a baby and probably isn't the most switched on and aware that she's ever been in her life. It's really unlikely to be a massive priority to her right now to be hanging on her DH's every word to see whether or not he's said yes to a comic. And that is fine. It's expected, normal, reasonable.

Secondly, 3yo has just had his world rocked by the introduction of a sibling! So a little bit of spoiling won't do any harm. It's short term and it's nice to do nice things. Really unfair to punish him for a misunderstanding between parents (which is what taking a magazine away that you'd already promised him amounts to.)

scallopsrgreat · 29/09/2015 23:54

Oh yeah God forbid you should disobey undermine your husband OP!

Agree wholeheartedly with Bertie.

We have the issue of the comic all the time in our household because we never listen to each other. Neither of us have ever reacted in even anything approaching how the OPs DP did. We normally find it funny and compromise.

He was an arse. Hope it was a one off down to tiredness and stress. You know where we are if it wasn't, OP.

FanOfSpam · 29/09/2015 23:59

Mum's and dads should be United and in this case, rather than upset your child, you undermined your husband.

Emotional abuse? Pa! Then we're all victims.

FanOfSpam · 30/09/2015 00:01

All above erroneous capitals and apostrophes are down to fucking bastard autocorrect undermining me.

TendonQueen · 30/09/2015 00:10

Would need more history to know if he's abusive but today he was certainly being a bad tempered arse with no particularly good reason. Is he often like this?

SolidGoldBrass · 30/09/2015 00:23

Is your toddler his child? Quite often a man stomping and willywaving about being 'undermined' is a stepdad trying to make himself the Boss Of The House. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with disagreeing with the other parent when the other parent is being unreasonable (It is unreasonable to refuse a child something just because you're in a bad temper), and this man sounds like a cock anyway. You're only 'allowed' to buy ice creams if you buy him one and hurry up about it, when you've just had a c-section? He's storming into the shop yelling at you? He needs telling that he's not, actually, your lord and master, and if he regularly behaves like this, he needs dumping sooner rather than later.

TheSilveryPussycat · 30/09/2015 00:33

Surely he undermined her - by countermanding a decision she had made without knowing he'd already refused the comic?

differentnameforthis · 30/09/2015 01:55

BertieBotts Spot on!!

NerrSnerr · 30/09/2015 04:06

Exactly what Bertie said. Why wasn't he going in the shop and thinking about dinner? The OP didn't know that he'd said no to the comic earlier in the day. Did he leave the baby in the car?

Even if he is sleep deprived, the OP will be as well. He still shouldn't be a dick.

anotherbloomingusername · 30/09/2015 04:45

"Just a row", doesn't wash with me. It's perfectly possible to argue without storming into shops, shouting, swearing, and driving aggressively. It's not ok in any circumstances, and it's not how you treat someone you love.

I'd have been livid if someone took away something I had promised my child and made them cry. And then angrily carrying them away and putting them in the car, shouting and swearing... What must that poor kid have thought?

Maybe I'm strange, but I don't go through life expecting to be sworn at by someone who supposedly loves me, especially when I'm in a vulnerable state.

Atenco · 30/09/2015 06:00

Mmm, maybe he overreacted, but I do think parents should support the others decision in front of the children, unless said decision is totally horrible. For some reason the father considered that their child should not be allowed the magazine and I think the mother should have outwardly supported this and waited to discuss this in private if she disagreed

BertieBotts · 30/09/2015 06:04

NerrSnerr - quite!

BertieBotts · 30/09/2015 06:07

OP, I hope you are okay, and that he wasn't gone too long.

Phoenix69 · 30/09/2015 06:14

Total over reaction on his part, you were not aware you were undermining him. His rage seems to me to indicate other bigger issues he has.

Lovelydiscusfish · 30/09/2015 06:55

Massive over reaction on his part.
If this is a one-Off due to stress and he apologises, I'm not sure I'd define him as an abuser. If he does this repeatedly, then I think he is, and you need to think carefully about your options.
Hope you are ok, and congrats on the baby.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 30/09/2015 07:01

Sounds to me like...
2 people with a 3 yo (hard work)
And a new baby (hard work)
Who are most likely sleep deprived and all a little fractious.

It's not about 'obeying' vs 'disobeying' fgs, it's about presenting a united front. Op should have said" ah I didn't know you'd already said no, no daddy's already said no" and left it and discussed in private at a later point.

Op said no back story so I'm going to take her at her word. How do we know that this isn't the latest in a long line of op undermining/over ruling her husband where parenting decisions are made and this was the straw that broke it? We don't.

Being weeks after a c section doesn't make her automatically right or give her the power of veto. And if he thought she was going to be 2 mins tto get ice cream, that's very different to a slow trawl around the shops for tea post c section and a browse at the comic section.

If being sleep deprived and having a new baby excuses her of unreasonableness, then surely it does him too!

As for the only being allowed to buy herself an ice lolly if she got them all one, we don't know how it was said! "You'd better fucking get us all one, bitch" is world's away from "ooh go on then, but only if you get us all one..."

Yes, he over reacted, but we all lived with my emotionally abusive mother. My dad, my brother and I have all been guilty of "over reacting" through sheer frustration and feeling unheard.

If op regularly tramples all over her husband's input as she is mummy and knows best, I can well imagine he could feel like over reacting on occasion.

The op herself said there is no backstory. And it's highly unlikely that a genuinely abused woman would be so bold as to buy the comic or take longer than originally agreed in the shops anyway.

I am no great fan of men, but this constant assumption that man is abuser woman is always right really gets on my wick.

But no, in response to the op's question, one outburst of this nature meant he was being very unreasonable but not abuse.

louisejxxx · 30/09/2015 07:04

I don't think an isolated incident could be considered emotional abuse.

Joysmum · 30/09/2015 07:14

Well said ThisIsStillFolkGirl.

Also what's been missed is that the OP took the toddler in but not the baby.

Her DH was in the hot car with their newborn baby!

I'd be fucking annoyed/worried too.

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