Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is this ea? Outburst In the car....

92 replies

midlifehope · 29/09/2015 17:29

DP has just had a big outburst in the car. It was triggered by something apparently minor. We had been to the park together with our three-year-old ds and newborn baby. On the way home we stopped by the shop as I fancied an ice lolly and DP said okay if you get us all one. So in I went with three-year-old. I decided to get some supplies for dinner whilst in there as I can't drive due to a C section. The three-year-old also wanted a magazine, which I said okay to and put it in my basket. As I was finishing up my shop dp stormed in making a bit of a scene and pulled the comic out of the basket saying "he can't have one I've said no already today". I replied saying well I said yes now and he repeated that ds couldn't have it. He then carried a crying three-year-old out of the shop. Not wanting to disappoint Ds I put it back in the basket as I had already said he could have it. I went back to the car and we started to drive home. DP kicked off swearing his head off, driving faster than usual a little bit, telling me he'd had to wait too long in a hot car and that is undermined him by buying the comic. I stayed calm for the sake of the kids and told him to reign himself in. Basically he ranted for the whole journey home. and has now gone off on his own somewhere. This seems such an over reaction to such a tiny thing. It seems very controlling. Is this emotional abuse?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/09/2015 07:20

He overreacted yet again. How did he react when you told him to reign himself in?.

A small but salient point here is that this man is her partner and not husband.

Has he still got his yacht?.

Lweji · 30/09/2015 07:32

I think he started it off wrongly by storming in, presumably leaving the newborn in the car, but if my partner had pointed out he had said no earlier, then I'd have either agree or talk with him about whether it was OK to give one now or not.
I would be easy to keep the item for another day, and for a 3 year old a whole day is a long time.

The key here is whether this was a one off or it's recurrent.
The same for you in not supporting his parenting decisions. Do you do it often or is it a one off?
Are his parenting decisions arbitrary?

53rdAndBird · 30/09/2015 07:38

Why did he storm in making a scene in the first place, though? Presumably he couldn't see the magazine from the car. And where was the newborn at the time? And why were you the one picking up the shopping while he sat in the car when you've not long had a c-section?

I think the magazine is a red herring here, tbh.

Lweji · 30/09/2015 07:38

Ooh, the yacht. Is he still not working?

Joysmum · 30/09/2015 07:40

The key here is whether this was a one off or it's recurrent

Exactly.

There's a big difference between being a dick and overreacting due to a new baby or a sustained program of calculated abuse.

When I first joined MN I used to take things at face value and what I saw as 'just a row' who ups turn out to be abuse as the little thing that prompted the OP would be the tip of the iceberg with much more to come.

This incident on its own isn't, I'd have been annoyed and was often left in the car with our DD whilst DH just.... So I can understand that. It seems disrespectful as well as being uncomfortable and hot.

Mintyy · 30/09/2015 08:07

Op, can you clarify, are you asking if this incident means you are living in an emotionally abusive relationship?

It was an unpleasant row but if it doesn't happen very often (and you never get angry like this?) then it's not particularly helpful to give it that label.

I have easily been as angry as your dh was today, with my dh, with my children, with my mother. Humans get angry and act irrationally. Everyone needs to be cut a little slack sometimes.

If, otoh, it happens a lot then yes you could say he is emotionally abusive.

lavenderhoney · 30/09/2015 08:13

The op didn't know the toddler had been told no to a magazine earlier in the day, so she couldn't have waited and discussed it with her dp because to her, it wasn't an issue she was aware of.

Your dp overreacted really badly to your toddler, snatching it out of the basket and carrying a screaming child out of the shop- what did you do? Did you all still have a lolly and calm down?

Isetan · 30/09/2015 09:35

And it's highly unlikely that a genuinely abused woman would be so bold as to buy the comic or take longer than originally agreed in the shops anyway.

WTAF!

I didn't realise that buying a comic and taking longer in a shop than supposedly agreed, was part of the criterium for weeding out disingenuous abused women.

Lweji · 30/09/2015 09:41

I missed that comment.

Many abused women consider themselves strong and even difficult, giving as much as they take. It doesn't mean the abuse it's not there. The problem is that they are taking it, regardless of how they respond.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 30/09/2015 09:48

I don't think this one incident is emotional abuse but it depends if there is a pattern of behaviour where your DP is demanding, angry and frightens you by shouting or/and driving too fast.

If this is a one-off then I'd put it down to not enough sleep on anyone's parts and adjusting to a new baby.

As for the comic issue, if I was buying DS a comic and DH told me he'd already said 'no' then I'd put the comic back. Dh would do likewise. Unless we both made it clear to DS why the position had changed eg 'since you did x,y,z we've decided you can get a comic now'.

Isetan · 30/09/2015 10:11

As others have said, repetition is the key. He over reacted big style and being annoyed isn't a free pass to act like a bully. However, if this is an isolated reaction, then you do well to look at the way you two communicate.

Setting expectations and changing them without the cutesy of informing the other party, is very frustrating. I don't know if your subsequent explanations are excuses to justify your actions, or if it suggests, that you found it easier to set a false expectation because being upfront would be more likely end in a refusal/ argument.

Setting aside the buying of magazines for three year old's , if you unwittingly agreed to something that your partner has forbid, then yes you can say no. Saying 'well I said Yes' as a justification is childish, very undermining and only teaches your child to play his parents off against each other.

Sit down and have a grown up conversation because this incident displays some childish behaviour on both sides.

Scobberlotcher · 30/09/2015 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Drew64 · 30/09/2015 16:29

Knowingly or not you have undermined him by buying the comic and even putting it back in your basket once he had told you he had said no.

But, this happens all the time, it's just one of those things. As is having a rant. It's good to get it all out and sometimes it can't be helped where you are.

Don't sweat it!

HackAttack · 30/09/2015 16:40

If this was an isolated incident it doesn't sound like abuse to me. It sounds like two people stressed with a toddler and a newborn. That was me six months ago, it's bloody hard but it passes. I do think buying the comic when your oh said he'd said no was a bad idea. There was probably a reason he said no and if your DS gets the message he can play you off against each other it wont be fun!

Original poster

midlifehope · 30/09/2015 17:31

If He had said calmly "oh by the Way I have already said no to the comic today" it would've been a different matter and I would have reasoned with the three-year-old tjat dad has just told me he's already said no. Or if dp told me before I went into the shop "by the way I've said no comics today" I also would've respected that. But to storm in sweating and moan about being in a hot car for five minutes while I get stuff for dinner and to yank a comic out of the basket that I was going to pay for out of my money I saw was completely undermining me not to mention causing a scene in the local shop. The shopkeepers who I know went all quiet. I think we were thinking what a controlling dick! Whilst it is not every day occurrence I do have to walk on egg shells somewhat with him and I was feeling quite anxious in the shop as I had a feeling that he would be pissed off if I took too long. F'ing and blinding all the way home demonstrated that. I'm still annoyed at him and haven't spoke to him since and was really pissed off at the way he spoke to me in front of our children. He is a control freak and moans everytime I buy something (with my own money). Stuff for the house he wants to vet before I buy it...... It's controlling imho

OP posts:

Thelastthneed44 · 30/09/2015 17:50

I'm totally with you OP. Sorry if my post made him sound justified.

ToGo reposted half of what I said and missed the second half where I said "so what if he had to wait"

If he spoke clamly I would cooperate...NOT if he stormed in.

Talk about twisting things...

ToGoBoldly · 30/09/2015 17:52

Hi OP

Whether or not he is abusive, I am nowhere near enough of an expert to say, but he was certainly a dick in this episode.

I do have to walk on egg shells somewhat with him and I was feeling quite anxious in the shop as I had a feeling that he would be pissed off if I took too long

This is not how you should be living, not a few weeks after having a baby, not ever. You should not be living in fear of your partner. I have been the child in this scenario, where multiple scenes were caused, unreasonable punishments were given to me and my mum for disregarding some bizarre rule that no one knew about in the first place, etc etc, and it can fuck you up for life. If it's causing problems now, it may not get worse, but it is unlikely to get better if you just sweep it under the carpet because you "undermined" him and thus his actions are explicable.

Like I said, I have no comment on whether or not he is abusive, but it needs addressing, especially if it's not the first time. I don't think it can be written off with "well you did undermine him, what did you expect? People get angry and aggressive when you do that". If it's a one off at a pinch-point of stress and you can both apologise and move on, then it's not the end of the world, it's normal. If you have an ominous feeling that you are going to cause upset just by spending a few minutes in a supermarket, or because you buy something you can afford that he won't approve of, that's a pretty shit way to live.

PrinceHansOfTheTescoAisles · 30/09/2015 18:17

You have a newborn...how are you all sleeping? Is it possible that he's angry through lack of sleep? I was certainly shouty with my 3yo when I had a newborn..

ToGoBoldly · 30/09/2015 18:29

Thelast, I quoted what you said to agree with you, no twisting going on there.

knickernicker · 30/09/2015 18:46

He went nuts in the shop and humiliated his partner. If I'd been there and seen this taking place, my blood would have run cold and I'd have felt sad for the person being shouted at.
OP, I'd be so surprised if he didn't do this in other areas of your lives. When else has he behaved like this.

Obs2015 · 30/09/2015 18:58

Initially OP said there was no backstory. So I questioned her leap into considering that this one off incident was EA, because the definition of EA States it is "persistent".
However that has all changed, because OP's latest post shows there is in fact history.

I can't comment on something if the story keeps changing. Thus, "I'm out".

trackrBird · 30/09/2015 19:40

Behaviour like that is never a one off. Irritability is one thing. But making a silly scene in a shop, ranting on in front of children, even driving carelessly, over something so very trivial - that is quite another.

Your partner has a major problem with his temper and his need to control.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 30/09/2015 20:20

Your update implies there is a pattern although your earlier post didn't. If it's a pattern then it's time to access support whether it be friends and family in RL; counselling for you or a chat with your midwife or WA.

I still think you were wrong about the comic but with your later update, it seems like you did it to try to take back some control by 'disobeying' him. The urge to take back some control may be understandable but it doesn't help your DCs and it doesn't make the dynamic any healthier just because you sometimes take a stand against him.

Thelastthneed44 · 30/09/2015 21:14

Sorry ToGo I feel like a right twerp now...

ToGoBoldly · 30/09/2015 21:21

No worries . I often misread commas. Eats, shoots and leaves and all that.

The main point is we agree.

Flip

1 2 3 4