My husband just confessed to picking up woman in a bar..8 years ago

[Amelia47]

Please can you wise ladies give me some help? I've been with my husband for 24 years...he was 19 and me 23 when we met...we have two beautiful children, and a brilliant relationship....its very equal, he's always been kind, thoughtful and a caring husband and dad. But recently I was having some blood tests and made a joke about being asked to report on my sexual history...he acted a bit cagey, and then the next day confessed to having picked up a stranger in a bar 8 years ago...they went back to his car, they snogged and she gave him a blow job...he immediately felt mortified and dropped her off..I believe this is exactly what happened..he's sworn on the kids lives....This is out of nowhere..at the time he was doing the childcare for our two small kids, and we were moving to a new city for my job...we were living between two cities, trying to keep everything going. He told me 5 months ago, and I can't come to terms with it. He has made no excuses, accepts the seriousness and is trying everything to make it work. I am still in shock..I have days when I can cope and others when I curl up in tears. i feel he's ruined my memories of that special time in our lives, and I have no trust. My love for him and my kids was the most important thing in my life, I felt so secure and happy...and I feel he's just trashed it for nothing...I want to make this work for everyone but can't get past the hurt...I can't bare the thought of the kids coping with a split either.

I don't think 5 months is a huge amount of time however it sounds to me like you are reaching a point where you have to seriously decide whether you want to stay or want to leave.

If you genuinely cannot get over the betrayal, you must not stay, it is just a lifetime of hell ahead.

Unfortunately, I think he only told you the barest tip of the iceberg.

He has obviously done something that would make him nervous about an STI test, and I don't think a few minutes of oral sex in a car one time is it.

I have also heard many cheating spouses swear on the lives of their children.

I'm sorry, it's an awful betrayal.

Have you spoken to anyone about this OP? And I don't mean your DH, I mean friends, your GP, a counsellor? Because it sounds to me like you're not going to get over this (if, indeed you want to), without some kind of support. There are many counsellors out there who specialise in marital and sexual issues and if you want to keep this confidential (telling friends can be risky), then that's probably the route you should take. You're clearly struggling with this and might well benefit from talking it over with a professional.

Sadly I Agree with thestoic

I agree with other posters, it sounds like you essentially have a good marriage the memories of which are now marred by his actions. It sounds like you love him, do you feel like you want to work through this? I guess it's early days so the feelings you are describing sound perfectly reasonable.

Can you set an evening aside just the two of you to talk through everything, tell him you need to discuss the future of your relationship, couples counselling may help if you both believe the marriage is worth saving.

You have the rawest of feelings right now so try not to make a rash decision you may regret. If he is genuinely telling the truth and you believe him, he probably feels awful and thinks he has ruined your future.

Good luck op! It is ok for me to sit here and tell you what to do I don't have to go through this. I hope it works out.

having picked up a stranger in a bar 8 years ago...they went back to his car, they snogged and she gave him a blow job

Not buying this at all. I won't tell you what I'm thinking OP but like the posters above, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I'd be wondering about my own sexual health and the future of my marriage. Sorry.

He has obviously done something that would make him nervous about an STI test, and I don't think a few minutes of oral sex in a car one time is it.

I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this OP. What a horrible shock. I'm afraid ^^ was my initial reaction too.

Like pps, I am just wondering what support you have IRL? Have you had a full STI check? I think that would be a good idea from a purely practical perspective. I also think talking it all through with a (ideally neutral) 3rd party might help - a counsellor maybe?

i also can't see that he'd have risked everything if it really was how he said it was. Do you think you can't get past it because you instinctively feel it doesn't add up? If you do believe it was exactly what he said, can you try counselling?

I'm sorry this has happened. Five months is a short period of time and it's normal to feel the way you do.

Unfortunately I don't think you've got the full story at all. If you spend some time on infidelity forums you will discover that nearly all cheaters swear on children's lives. In fact the act of swearing on lives is a red flag that usually indicates there's much more to tell.

What is he doing to help you ? Do you feel he's genuinely sorry ?

Hello, yes I do believe him. Seeing as he felt he'd ruined everthing anyway, he had nothing to lose by confessing anything different really...he knows for me cheating is cheating..(ironically! given my situation now!!) .and He wouldn't falsely swear on the kids lives..I know that...I think what he did is as bad as having sex...its that intimacy with someone else...I think through a lot of tears (on both sides) We have discussed it to death..he knows that unless he's honest now there's no chance.

I think I can't get over it becuase things are so good...it was tough for both of us back then, 8years ago..his work was less stable than mine..and his Dad has just died,and he was looking after two toddlers..I was holding downg a demanding job, in a new place.. but things have got better and better since...so for this to come out now is so hard because we are genuinely so happy after 24 years together...

re tests..I have had every test under the sun recently to try pinpoint some gyne problems (they did all the routine STI tests as they always do...in case of this sort of scenario!!)...and I am fine.

And I made him go the day after he told me for an HIV test..which he said probably wasn't needed because of what he'd done...but he went anyway to wipe that slate clean at least...and everything was fine. He told the test Dr why he was having it, and what he'd done...the dr said there's almost zero chance, but I made him do the test anyway..I used to work with HIV patients...so I know that particular tragedy...and he was fine..

I or we probably do need to try counselling..he keeps suggesting it as he's getting scared that its taking me so long to be OK..he just wants to move forward......

Ive only discussed it with one friend (my oldest mate) who thinks we should try to work it out...

I'm another who's not buying the blow-job from a stranger story. If he was doing the childcare for 2 small dc, how did he get the opportunity to go to a bar and how many men get that lucky when they pop out for a pint?

Swearing on dcs lives is par for the course; it's despicable but adulterous twunts have no moral scruple about their behaviour.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was conducting an affair, albeit of brief duration, while you were away and I'd be looking at those female neighbours/friends/his ex colleagues who were left behind when you moved.

Alternatively, he may have gone cruising and paid for a blow-job from a street hooker.

Either way, despiite swearing to the contrary, he hasn't told you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about this matter.

I don't have any advice to offer OP, but

I know that I would find it extremely hard to get past, I don't know if I could. As PP have mentioned, I would be seriously questioning if that was ALL that happened (as if that isn't bad enough!)

Good luck with whatever you decide.

My immediate thought was that she was a prostitute. My mind's boggling at the thought of picking up a man in a bar and doing that - where's the gratification for her?

Why would he think that a blow job 8 years ago might lead to problems for you now? I can understand if he'd had unprotected sex or anal sex, but a blow job?

In my experience people minimise what they've done both in their own minds and in what they tell.

I'm so sorry - it's so horrible finding out something like that.

'He's getting scared it is taking me so long to be OK, he just wants to move forward'

It is not about what he thinks - he doesn't set the rules for how long it will take you to get past this (not 'over it') you might decide you can't get past it - it's huge betrayal. Five months is nothing, I was betrayed by my (now X) H after a 30 yr marriage - it has taken me 2 years to reach a state of equilibrium.

You have every right to take as long a time as you need to decide what you want to do and to see how you feel about him.

It is not only the betrayal that he had sex with another woman, it is the deceit for 8 years - he has effectively lied to you every day of that time, the tarnishing of your memories so that you will question all your interactions since then, his disregard for your sexual health, the fact that you will never feel quite sure of him or trust him again and the constant nagging feeling that he has only told you part of the truth.

Those are huge things to get your head round - I am not saying it is irretrievable, everyone's relationship is different, and I think it is possible to salvage some relationships, but I doubt they are ever the same afterwards. So you need to think about what your 'new' relationship with him will be like and whether you want to work towards that.

Please don't let him tell you, or tell yourself that it was a difficult time, he was looking after children, his dad had died, etc etc. There is no excuse for what he did and he shouldn't be making any, He needs to own it for what it is - a selfish, thoughtless cruel act of betrayal - other men through hard times and don't get blow jobs from random women in car parks.

I wish you luck and strength in deciding what you want to do - but don't be rushed by him because he wants to feel better quicker- he's had 8 years, and he's fretting about timescales when you've only had 5 months to absorb this news.

wow. He has done something that would put him at risk of having contracted/passed on an STI. why after 8 years of silence would he confess to a blow job just as you're have a whole raft of tests!

I know it's your prerogative to believe him, but that doesn't stack up on the outside looking in. If he had sex it would make a whole lot more sense that he coughed up this detail after 8 year.s

he's sworn on the kids lives
People staring at me in the office because I literally laughed out loud at this comment.
They ALL say that - they really do, as PP have said.

Counselling could be a good option.
This happened 8 years ago so he came to terms with it ages ago.
For you it's still raw.

I think you could work on it as well.
Some relationships come out of this sort of this even stronger.
Having said that... I couldn't forgive or forget about my ExH and I knew I couldn't continue with the marriage after his deceipt.
Having said that though... My Ex had an 8 month affair when I found out which I often find far worse than a ONS.
But we all have different boundaries.
Find yours. Maybe go for the counselling and see how it goes.
It may not help at all or make any difference but you won't know until you try.

Honestly OP, if it was me I'd just forgive and forget (easier said than done, I know)

Sounds like an act of madness on a night out - not really sure why he bothered telling you really.

Not really work sacrificing your marriage, happiness, kids lives to prove a point. I really think you need to work it out and move on.

not really sure why he bothered telling you really
Probably because he is minimising and when the whole 'blood test' thing came up he thought he'd better come up with something in case results proved he had be up to far worse.
Maybe not but that's how I would read it.

The fact that it was 8 years ago is worse cos it makes it seem like the last 8 years were based on a lie. If he'd told you 8 years ago and you'd chosen to forgive him (your choice) then the last 8 yyears wouldn't have been based on a lie.

I think by telling you now, but confessing to such an OLD crime, he puts you in a very difficult position. If you didn't want to continue, would he make you feel that you were over reacting because it was 8 years ago ?? I think he operates under the what-she-doesn't-know-won't-hurt school of thought.

I'd be tempted to tell him you slept with somebody, nine years ago.

Sorry OP, but like the others think, it smells like bullshit to me. Prepare yourself for worse.

I don't buy his story either..just makes no sense. FWIW I agree they all minimise. They all swear on own kids lives.
Not sure what I'd do in your position. As you do sound sure you have a good marriage.

Sometimes there are worse things than adultery . Lying for example

Sorry Op- but I don't buy it either..
Look at the logic- your OH met a random woman, they went back to his car and she gave him a blow job.

What's in that for the random woman? Giving someone a blow job is a pretty intimate thing, in some ways more intimate than PIV sex.

Unless this woman has feelings for the guy because they have a relationship, or she is being paid for the act, it would be a very unusual thing to do on a random pick up.

Even woman who enjoy casual sex and one off sexual encounters usually want something more gratifying that to suck on some stranger's dick.

What's in it for her?

It doesn't make sense. And therefore sounds untrue.

ImperialBlether- sorry just read your post- seems we have come to the same conclusion.

they snogged and she gave him a blow job...he immediately felt mortified and dropped her off..

He 'immediately' dropped her off but made sure he got a blow job first? That's not immediate that's getting his rocks off then dumping her.

Plus, listen to the others. Why on earth would a blow job make him nervous about your blood tests?

You're believing him because you want to. He wouldn't possibly lie? But then, he never told you either, did he?

I'm not saying you should finish your marriage. I'm not even saying that you shouldn't or couldn't move on. But he's not telling you the truth, I'd stake my life on it.

This isn't adding up is it? It sounds like he was worried about the tests you had and pre-empted any bad news with this story which may or may not be true but I would lay money on there being more infidelities.

The HIV test story doesn't sound right either.

Just to echo other posters, something doesn't add up to me either. Unless the woman was paid for her 'services'
I don't know if I could work through being cheated on (in whatever form) but I know I couldn't work through being lied to for 8 years.