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Original poster

My husband just confessed to picking up woman in a bar..8 years ago

92 replies

Amelia47 · 29/09/2015 13:06

Please can you wise ladies give me some help? I've been with my husband for 24 years...he was 19 and me 23 when we met...we have two beautiful children, and a brilliant relationship....its very equal, he's always been kind, thoughtful and a caring husband and dad. But recently I was having some blood tests and made a joke about being asked to report on my sexual history...he acted a bit cagey, and then the next day confessed to having picked up a stranger in a bar 8 years ago...they went back to his car, they snogged and she gave him a blow job...he immediately felt mortified and dropped her off..I believe this is exactly what happened..he's sworn on the kids lives....This is out of nowhere..at the time he was doing the childcare for our two small kids, and we were moving to a new city for my job...we were living between two cities, trying to keep everything going. He told me 5 months ago, and I can't come to terms with it. He has made no excuses, accepts the seriousness and is trying everything to make it work. I am still in shock..I have days when I can cope and others when I curl up in tears. i feel he's ruined my memories of that special time in our lives, and I have no trust. My love for him and my kids was the most important thing in my life, I felt so secure and happy...and I feel he's just trashed it for nothing...I want to make this work for everyone but can't get past the hurt...I can't bare the thought of the kids coping with a split either.

OP posts:
janaus · 29/09/2015 18:31

I believe him. He has had to live with the guilt for 8 years. But I think counselling will do you both good. Your beautiful marriage is worth saving. Wish you both all the best.

BoldFox · 29/09/2015 18:45

Your "beautiful marriage"
[Hmm]
Are u the op's h?

rollonthesummer · 29/09/2015 18:49

I believe him. He has had to live with the guilt for 8 years. But I think counselling will do you both good. Your beautiful marriage is worth saving.

What!?

Olddear · 29/09/2015 18:52

So, what do you imagine his reaction would be if you told him
you'd given some random guy a bj?

KurriKurri · 29/09/2015 18:56

He hasn't had to live with the guilt for 8 years actually - he could have owned up at the time and given the OP the choice of whether he's worth investing any effort in, eight years ago - eight years she might have chosen to spend with a man who can keep his dick out of other women's mouths.

MissApple · 29/09/2015 19:03

He has had to live with the guilt for 8 years, thats a pretty good punishment. It will take work but you have to give it a go

AnyFucker · 29/09/2015 19:08

you have to give it a go ? Hmm

KurriKurri · 29/09/2015 19:11

He's CHOSEN to live with the guilt -no-one made him keep it a secret, no one made him do the deed in the first place - how long does it take to pick up a woman, take her to a car, unzip your trousers and get your dick out? - it's not a momentary action, at any point he could have said or thought 'this is wrong, this will hurt my wife, I shouldn't do this' but he CHOSE not to.

I imagine his feelings of guilt - if they exist - are nothing compared to what the OP is going through, and he has the nerve to chivvy her along and think she should get over it more quickly because it doesn't suit him to feel bad.

If he is truly remorseful he needs to back off, give her time and space and put her needs first, he knowingly and deliberately chose to hurt her, that takes a hell of a lot to get past.

Iusedtobeapenguin · 29/09/2015 19:13

Hmm not sure I'd call it a 'beautiful marriage' after what the H has been doing.

But we are all speculating. Amelia didn't ask if we thought it was true or not, she asked how she can move on. And IMO she will probably need outside help to do that, and will also need to make her H understand it's not a case of giving it time, it's a case of him bending over backwards to prove he deserves her forgiveness.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/09/2015 19:13

MissApple, its no punishment and the only reason he confessed is because he might have been caught out through her test results.

If he felt that bad, he'd have confessed as soon as he got home 8 years ago.

OP doesnt have to forgive him if she doesnt want to.

LineyReborn · 29/09/2015 19:13

I don't believe he just confessed to something because he thought his wife might have the clap show up in a blood test.

Doesn't ring true about human behaviour at all. He would have crossed his fingers and hoped he got away with it to the bitter end.

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2015 19:14

Why do you think he confessed then, Liney?

Waltermittythesequel · 29/09/2015 19:16

Your beautiful marriage is worth saving.

Last time I checked, a beautiful marriage didn't involve getting head from some bar randomer while your wife is out working.

You have to give it a go

Just doesn't have to do anything.

Wtf??

goddessofsmallthings · 29/09/2015 19:19

He only 'fessed up because he was worried the OP's blood tests might reveal that he'd passed a std on to her.

After 8 years I wouldn't be overly concerned about an act of infidelity he'd committed, but I sure as hell would want answers as to why he was willing to put my sexual health at risk by keeping schtum for that length of time.

Psycobabble · 29/09/2015 19:19

I don't necassarily think he has definitely done more . People are happy to believe there partners have never and wouldn't cheat yet can't believe when someone does cheat once suddenly they have to have been banging everything that moves through the whole marriage Confused

People do make mistakes and maybe he had a Moment of madness grass may be greener type thing and realised how guilty he felt . ( I cheated on someone when I was younger and the guilt was horrendous ! I would never do that now !)

That's not to say it's not bad and for me if dp confessed to me someone had given him a blowjob it would be over absolutley . No chance is forgive him. Been there done that with ex .
It's hard to advise someone else though because it's your life and u can't begin to imagine finding that out after so many years of marriage

You will get conflicting advice op I suppose ultimately only you know if you can carry on

LineyReborn · 29/09/2015 19:22

Imperial I don't know.

goddessofsmallthings · 29/09/2015 20:02

If the alleged blowjob was one he paid a hooker to give him recently and he hadn't had time to get himself checked out, or if he contracted genital herpes from one he paid for years ago and has kept this hidden from his dw, he may have been concerned what her blood test might reveal, Liney.

I suspect the OP can't move on because, despite him swearing on the lives of her dc, deep down she knows he's not told her the truth.

LineyReborn · 29/09/2015 20:07

But he'd have lied till the bitter end. He'd have hoped that her test was negative (as needed it was). No need to confess anything.

LineyReborn · 29/09/2015 20:08

(as indeed it was)

Sorry - I'm typo-ing like crazy tonight. In pain; on meds.

goddessofsmallthings · 29/09/2015 20:15

Not necessarily, Liney. He may have considered it prudent to launch a pre-emptive strike by confessing to a blow job years ago when the truth is he regularly avails himself of the services of prositutes.

Hope your pain is short lived and that the meds help alleviate it.

LineyReborn · 29/09/2015 20:18

Thanks, goddess.

ForChina · 29/09/2015 20:23

I think the OP knows her husband better than any of us. Her trust in him is good enough for me to accept that. I don't think everyone turning this into a prostitute, a string of affairs, full sex etc is helpful. As for moving on - I think that counselling would be a good idea but also working out if she really thinks she ever can get past this. It might be a dealbreaker. Marriages can survive affairs and come out stronger. There is hope. xx

ForChina · 29/09/2015 20:24

By the way, I do know of situations where drunk women have given random BJs to men - I'm amazed noone thinks this is plausible.

LadyBlaBlah · 29/09/2015 20:49

I do agree with other posters that there will have been other things going on.

Even if there was not sex, I am pretty sure he would have had his hand in places, right? Why wouldn't he, unless he was paying

Both options are bad

Sallystyle · 29/09/2015 22:45

He is talking bollocks, would be my guess.

If he is the type of person to pick up a random person and receive a blow job and then lie to you for 8 years then what the fuck else has he done?

I don't think it matters much if he had sex or not really. He cheated on you and he is the kind of person to go out and look for sex when married.

I couldn't forgive that personally. I can kind of understand affairs that start from close friendships, while not excusable I understand that more than just randomly picking up a stranger to get your rocks off.

I'm sorry OP. Thanks