My husband just confessed to picking up woman in a bar..8 years ago

[Amelia47]

Please can you wise ladies give me some help? I've been with my husband for 24 years...he was 19 and me 23 when we met...we have two beautiful children, and a brilliant relationship....its very equal, he's always been kind, thoughtful and a caring husband and dad. But recently I was having some blood tests and made a joke about being asked to report on my sexual history...he acted a bit cagey, and then the next day confessed to having picked up a stranger in a bar 8 years ago...they went back to his car, they snogged and she gave him a blow job...he immediately felt mortified and dropped her off..I believe this is exactly what happened..he's sworn on the kids lives....This is out of nowhere..at the time he was doing the childcare for our two small kids, and we were moving to a new city for my job...we were living between two cities, trying to keep everything going. He told me 5 months ago, and I can't come to terms with it. He has made no excuses, accepts the seriousness and is trying everything to make it work. I am still in shock..I have days when I can cope and others when I curl up in tears. i feel he's ruined my memories of that special time in our lives, and I have no trust. My love for him and my kids was the most important thing in my life, I felt so secure and happy...and I feel he's just trashed it for nothing...I want to make this work for everyone but can't get past the hurt...I can't bare the thought of the kids coping with a split either.

And why do people feel guilty after the sexual act. Never while they are taking their clothes of or half way through is it?

Feeling mortified after he got his end way? Too late buddy, that should have happened way before you got what you wanted.

I don't think immediately dropping a woman off after a blow job is a sign that they were mortified.

It's a sign that they've just come and therefore have no use for the woman at that time

Interested too in how he dropped off a stranger.
Not, you know, let her walk back from the car park to the bar whilst you pull your pants back up

A few holes in that story.

I assumed he'd offered her 'a lift home' in the bar and that's how it all began. When the blood was back in his head he remembered and drove her home. Which belies the notion he was drunk.

Thinking about that just now, he doesn't even have the excuse of drinking, does he?

I think this is for the OP to balance up herself as we will all have differing takes on it all.

Seems to be main question is was this a random once off under some out of the normal situation. Or has has he been seeing escorts or prostitutes over the years?. If he had then maybe the OP would have sensed something was amiss as from the treads men seem to be very careless when having affairs seems to me that they want to be found out!.

The women seem to have a very good instinct for something amiss and most of the time seems their right too!.

We just don't know if this was a BJ or full sex perhaps he might be either hiding it up thinking that that was a lesser sin than full sex or he wrongly thought that admitting or claiming the BJ might have a lesser upsetting effect on his, wife rightly or wrongly to.

Of course its a betrayal, either act and that I don't think is important, quite what happened its the betrayal that's the fundamental hurt.
So was he right or wrong the have hidden it all this time and i think also that the threat of a blood test for whatever they were looking for be that HIV or some other bloodwork disorder I think that if he was devious then he could have kept his mouth shut and taken the chance that he would be found out and after that time most of the common STI's would have shown up. He could have been infected in other ways infected blood. What if someone was bleeding and he intervened they might have been a HIV carrier hence all the latex gloves when medic 's are treating people and he could have argued that.

We just don't know for sure but i think he's been keeping it a dark secret and telling his wife would have had devastating consequences which it now has had Perhaps he feels better to have finally come clean. I think on balance he's not a totally bad man, not a serial abuser or a bastard, and only his wife can be the arbiter of that.

Give him another chance forgive him?. Well that's up to her perhaps she needs to balance up her feelings that will still be raw against the split or divorce and all the grief that too entails.

If it were me to decide then I think I'd try to forgive in this instance and take into account the other comments above.

Hi all,
Anyone waiting for updates here might be disappointed as we can see that the OP has requested to deregister. There's nothing suspicious about that, of course, it may be that she wishes to read rather than correspond, but we wanted to tell you all anyway.

Amelia47 if you're still out there..

Please take some time for yourself and seek counselling now, before you drive yourself into the ground with the 'what if's and why's'.

From what you've written I can see how your whole world has come crashing down around you and everything feels like a huge lie-and it hurts. And you don't know what to do. Do you cling to the slippery rock or throw yourself into the storm? Neither choice is easy, simple or without pain emotionally.

Please though, while (and after) you get a counsellor organised, don't allow your husband to dictate when enough talking is enough and when 'getting past it' should start to happen. You have known about his infidelity 5 minutes, he has the advantage of 8yrs.

I wish you the very best with whatever decision you decide to make after counselling and with a clear, calm, unpanicked head.

&

It is a massive betrayal, picking up strangers, blowjobs and an 8 year late confession suggests there is more going on.

When I was happily married, I would never had initiated anything and if randomly approached would have shown my wedding ring and said 'I'm good'

If you can't come to terms with it, end the relationship. This betrayal will eat away at you and destroy your relationship and your health over the coming years.

I call shenanigans.

A blow job in a car would not produce any infection that would register on Amelia's STI check. I think he's finding the most minimising excuse to preserve the relationship should anything be "discovered" in her health screens. The only reason to be worried about something appearing would be that there had been unprotected sex with at least one, possibly more, other women.

OP, I realise that you have deregistered, but if you are still reading please do look after yourself. The GUM clinic at your local hospital can do a full battery of tests very discretely and quickly for free. In most places, you can self-refer, so you literally just show up.

"I call shenanigans". LOL my mum who was Irish use that word a lot when she was around I think it was Irish in origin but I'd never heard it used like that!.

Learn summat every day:!.

You say you don't have an agenda and yet your advice here is that on balance this guy is not an abuser or a bad man and that the op should try and forgive. And you say you don't have an agenda................. wow.

Oh OP.

You posted and then got a deluge of opinions which is possibly not what you wanted / expected to hear. I hope you are doing ok.

Here's my tuppence worth. I'm afraid to say that I think he has been doing far more then he is letting on. The BJ story is nothing more than a cover IMO. But here's another view, I could be completely and utterly wrong. It's my opinion, that's all.

That being said, you have a decision to make. If you are happy and you have a good life and want to stay together with him. Then stay. Figure out what you need to have happen to move past this. It's your life, your marriage. You decide.

I really hope you are doing ok.

Fox. Will you stop following me around on every post please.

As I said elsewhere everyone on this board is entitled to their opinion.

I was expressing mine, you expressed yours, others have expressed theirs.

thank you.

I agree with the majority.

He wouldn't think there could be evidence in your blood of his one-off blow job. To be concerned there was something to find, he has to have had unprotected sex of some kind.

Once? Or regularly? I don't know. And nor do you, OP. Pretending its all ok won't actually help.

eh, doh, I was on this thread before you.

I was also on the other thread first. So perhaps you'd like to take your own advice.