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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is it infidelity?

80 replies

SweetPotato1 · 28/09/2015 17:11

I'm a man, and I'm here for a woman's prospective if that's ok.

Both in our 30s, 3 kids. Not married but together 10+years.

A couple of years back DP and her best friend's DH became close with up to 20 secretive texts a day. They didn't meet up but it may have gone that way had I not stepped in after a couple of weeks. Basically I told her her BF wouldn't have been too impressed if she found out and she conceded it was 'inappropriate' and put an end to it. She never apologised or asked how I felt and I didn't tell her until 6 months later- still no apology.

She works full time but is also involved in a volunteering group, where she meets lots of other men (which I'm fine with). She was all about one particular guy, (we'll call him Tom) whom she made reference to on a regular basis, and the two of them did have late night after group study sessions together. They definitely bonded as he divulged personal marriage stuff to her; I was fine with this as she was up front about it. Then all of a sudden Tom no longer gets a mention.

The last year has been good for us as a couple, but over the past two weeks something didn't add up and I discovered she secretly arranged to met 'Dave' from group. I had never heard of Dave. She's on about 20 texts a day to Dave. Dave is married with kids. It's doesn't look like anything has happened on a sexual level, but there was maybe 3 references to a hug they shared, and light hearted stuff referencing his 'big strong arms', and they've arranged to meet again tonight.

Should I be worried? If nothing sexual happens have I the right to feel betrayed? or is this just a woman needing an emotional outlet? Is this not infidelity? She has also spoke of being lonely etc and he empthasises. We both work full time and she has her finger in a number of other pies, she's neither bored nor lonely, and I'll meet anyone's emotional needs so long as I don't withdraw into myself as a result of her clandestine activities- current status!

I feel I have to let things progress. If I torpedo these developments the cloud of distrust will remain and I'll be back here again in a year or so. If I let the situation evolve, well at least I'll know what she's capable of and how little respect she has for me, but the corollary of that is a broken home (and there's no way I'm walking out).

And whatever did happen with Tom?

If anyone had anyone thoughts or suggestions I'd love to hear them, were
you this woman?

thanks.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 01/10/2015 17:37

Yeah, what AnyFucker said. This is in no way the OP's fault if his wife has decided to start having sex with another man and is lying to her husband about it.

Romance her, listen to her, take her out etc. And step up the physical side as well. I would not be romancing my spouse if they had just come back from shagging someone else. The horse has bolted.

NancyAnne- there are two threads running at the moment about jealousy and possessiveness and many posters feel, rightly or wrongly, that you should NOT limit opposite sex friendships as it is too controlling.

The poor OP can't win.

AnyFucker · 01/10/2015 17:42

OP, for God's sake don't lower yourself to doing the Pick Me Dance

Your partner already has very little respect for you. To demean yourself in that way will only make her despise you more.

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 17:48

He has very low self worth
When will he start getting very bloody very cross...

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 17:49

Why does he imagine he doesn't matter

Nancyanne · 01/10/2015 17:50

He asked for an opinion. We are not always going to think the same. I didn't say he should limit friendships, of course not, but she is sleeping with the guy, that's not on. I wouldn't put up with a cheat either, but he wants to stay with his kids. It's a very tough situation. As for penultimate poster, whatever, it's my opinion and I'm entitled to it. So guff off.

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 17:55

Has it been said that if she is so very unstable why would she get the kids .

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 18:05

And don't the kids need a stable home ...not the one they've got right now ...
Change things for the better for them and for you ....you don't really have any choice you have to face this

AndDeepBreath · 01/10/2015 18:37

Whether people meant to be sexist and whether it offended someone or not, sexism is still sexism ... if someone told an OP to "woman up" or "be more womanly" "wear more dresses" or something to keep their husband, they would be absolutely slated. Anyway, sorry to derail steps off hobbyhorse

MissBattleaxe · 01/10/2015 18:47

Nancy- he can stay with his kids. He doesn't have to stay with his cheating adulterous wife who is sleeping with someone else and has has emotional affairs with others. It's not a given that he will lose the kids.

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 19:03

It is very frustrating to see someone being mistreated and so very afraid to deal with it . Hence sexiest posts

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 19:04

I and op how the hell does she find the time for this carry on
I barely have time to fart in my little life
You said she works ???

cheapskatemum · 01/10/2015 21:48

I made the same point on page 1, spudlike. As I hinted then, I can only assume it's because OP is doing more than his fair share. Also, sorry to nitpick, but there can't be any divorce on the grounds of adultery, because OP & his "D"P aren't married. I wonder if that's why she appears to lack guilt? I don't condone it for one minute, but maybe she justifies her actions by saying, "It's not as if we're married, so, technically, it's not adultery". Shock

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 21:56

Yeah maybe he is holding it all together while she frolics
Self centred woman with lots of 'issues ' that she and he use to excuse her
Lots of us have 'issues'
Pity the poor children witnessing it all
Op you need to tackle this for their sake.
I had a boyfriend once whose mother spent their entire childhood having affairs with husband endlessly forgiving her ..all three sons screwed up.in their own unique way very sad

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 21:57

Op do something positive ....start by saying enough

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 21:58

Ultimatum time

BrandNewAndImproved · 01/10/2015 22:06

Op go to a solicitor and seek legal advice. Don't speak to her yet. Find out what you can.

There is no reason why you can't have 50/50 or have the dc full-time. Work out a plan and ask her to leave.

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 22:10

She wouldn't want them full time

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 22:10

The children ..she wouldn't want them.full time

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 22:11

No time to pick up men in pubs and I invite them around for showers..

MissBattleaxe · 02/10/2015 10:27

Ah cheapskate- you're right! They're not married. That does make it a bit trickier for the OP. However, all is not lost and he could still keep the kids.

Elendon · 02/10/2015 12:01

Go see a solicitor and ask for their advice, or ring Citizen's Advice. The glue in your partnership right now is the children. It may well be that you go through the separation under 'The Children's Act', in fact this is your only option - she will be told this too. Go for 50/50, because you will loose if you ask for full custody.

Never say this when asking for advice:
My biggest concern is my kids.. Custody? On what grounds? In our peoples republic unmarried Dads are legal strangers to their kids. The mother is deemed Primary carer (for payable benefits) and guardian.. not that I couldn't amend the guardianship aspect, but the notion of an unmarried Dad getting custody over an otherwise fit Mother- no chance.

Next time you enter into a relationship, put a ring on it. Remember, she's not playing nice, but that doesn't mean you should be stooping to her level.

Original poster
SweetPotato1 · 02/10/2015 13:25

After her seeing him again last night and making pleasantries with me when she walked in, I gave her 10mins then turned off the tv, stood in front of her and asked her flatly was she cheating on me. I mentioned dates and times but she flatly denied until I mentioned his name and the texts I'd seen.

She denied it had got physical but eventually conceded there had been a kiss only after I asked her what she had meant when she had text 'my mouth was otherwise engaged' (referencing a time they were on the beach).

She denies anything heavier. I asked her to account for the text 'when showering I found sand in places there shouldn't be'. She claims they sat on the dunes and some got in her pants. I said 'no, ye had a rug, i saw the text'. She said there was no rug to which I replied, show my the phone and I'll show u the text. She refused to hand it over even after multiple requests from me and flatly denied there was a rug.

She had slept in her underware that night and I didn't notice sand on the sheets, so as far as I'm concerned the sand she noticed in shower was beneath her underware and there's only one way it could have got there.

I know some of you think it's neither here nor there whether they have had sex or not, or even if she's telling the truth or not, but to me, I feel gutted as her being the mother of my kids, she lacked the integrity to come clean.. even though it's over, I felt it was hugely important for a clean start as we move on separately and together as parents.. this is why I 'needed' irrefutable evidence, or to catch them in the act.

Living arrangements haven't changed, she cuts me off mid sentence "I'm not moving out". We'll have to work something out.

Last night, after 3 hours of relatively calm conversation I went to bed and broke down, as did she, she followed me around as I tried to get away.. it was car crash stuff. Our kids slept soundly.

We were going to a gig this weekend with another couple so I've pulled the plug on that. Coincidentally my brother rang this morning so he knows but no one else. I can't bring myself to tell my parents or change FB status. She's the mother of my kids and I'll always love her so I want as little fallout as possible for her..

12 years

Thanks MN for the support

OP posts:
DarkRosaleen · 02/10/2015 14:25

Oh Sweet Potato, what a shitty situation you are in. Flowers
She will need a little time to realise how much she has hurt you and how she has blown the family apart ( bitch).
When you have a clear head you will need to make some decisions. Will your brother help you think things through? Have you some wise and practical friends? It may be an idea to see a solicitor and understand what your rights and responsibilities will be.
I hope you and your children emerge from her mess strong and confident and of course, happy

WhyDontYouProveIt · 02/10/2015 14:41

See a solicitor and find out where you stand legally wrt staying in the house and residency of the children. Unmarried fathers do now have automatic PR so long as they are named on the birth certificate iirc.

If you come across any more texts/emails or other proof of infidelity, forward it to an email address she doesnt have access to. Might come in handy later. I would now go through the practical stuff of separating finances.

Sorry this has happened to you, but it really is best to end it. She's not sorry and has no intention of changing. You can't just put up with it.

HellKitty · 02/10/2015 14:44

I feel for you Potato. I'm so sorry.

Why was she following you around? Anger, regret, worry?