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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how to talk to someone that SHOUTS and RAGES all the time

56 replies

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/09/2015 13:39

DP and I have been on/off for many years- posted here a few times too- here I am back a-fucking-gain.

after what was an OK 2014, we had a huge row (due to him fucking losing it, and my trying to calm him down) and we are back in the turd again- and Its depressing me so much. I feel so low- it takes all joy our of my life. I dread weekends and evenings. basically I love my kids so much but when I am with them, he is there. With the joys of:

screaming rows (him screaming!)
OR. ignoring me, saying "whatever"
unable to discuss anything in an adult manner as he revert to shouting, and bringing up old grudges
reverting to scarily high anger within a short time period
shouting in front of the children-

Is it normal that when someone shouts at me my heart beats and I get scared?

he is trying to have me put my name against an investment, and given how bad things are I have declined- this has NOT gone down

Here is the problem, he is the SAHD! he has no job, no money. If we split I am basically turfing him out and making him homeless. I can just imagine how he would turn kids against me if I did that.

But how do you split up , or even give an ultimatum when they wont listen? I am serious if I try and speak he just tells me to leave him alone

I feel like I have festering angry ogre that I cant get rid off, and cant communicate with. I feel like living with him and his anger is my lot forever as I am too scared to deal with the problem

anyone been there????

TIA

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 13:56

So you have your own source of income and the house is in your name?

Original poster
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/09/2015 13:59

yes, and yes

OP posts:
gamerchick · 28/09/2015 14:03

Your kids are going to end up damaged. You need remove this man from their lives.

IDontWannaBrag · 28/09/2015 14:03

He sounds awful. Why are you with him? Genuinely interested in your answers (not being snarky).

spudlike1 · 28/09/2015 14:04

You need to set up.a mediator of some kind ...zero tolerance for his frightening / threatening behaviour .
Refuse to tolerate this anymore . ..get some support you can't and don't need to deal with this on you own .
I've been there don't be ashamed and don't find excuses for him and don't hide this.

IDontWannaBrag · 28/09/2015 14:04

If you really want to split - see a solicitor, tell him to leave, call the police if he doesn't.

NameChange30 · 28/09/2015 14:05

He is emotionally abusive. You should end the relationship ASAP. You could also contact Women's Aid for advice and support. Do you have anyone you can talk to in RL?

CatMilkMan · 28/09/2015 14:05

"Please leave, goodbye."

spudlike1 · 28/09/2015 14:05

Samaritans, women's aid , CAB .your doctors talk to someone in real.life

goddessofsmallthings · 28/09/2015 14:05

But it's not just you who is living with his anger, is it? If you're scared of him, how do think your dc must be feeling?

How old are they?

Original poster
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/09/2015 14:08

Why are you with him? Smile

2 kids
I am a fucking chicken shit- there are so many things that scare me
I love him at some level
no one understands EA "out there"- so no one is really supporting me to leave- they just think its "stormy", and he is "depressed"
I have actually wished he would cheap on me or hit me so I had an excuse to leave

I am scared he will make kids hate me

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 28/09/2015 14:12

You are not married?

Neddyteddy · 28/09/2015 14:13

Can you suggest you both work part time, so he has something

How old are the children?

IDontWannaBrag · 28/09/2015 14:14

The kids aren't a good reason, because growing up around a father who shouts and rages at their mother all the time WILL damage them (I had a father like that, and turfing him out was the best thing my mother ever did for us...although his behaviour has still left its mark).

It doesn't matter whether other people understand 'EA'. You do, on some level. The kids are imbuing it every day.

Whatever you are scared of can't be worse than a life like this. Your children won't hate you because you refused to put up with being bullied and treated badly.

You have financial independence, a house in your name...you're in a stronger position that many women.

I would urge you to find your inner strength pronto, see a solicitor and tell him its over and that you want him to leave. Nobody else can do it for you. if you feel you need professional emotional or practical support - Womens Aid.

Good luck.

NameChange30 · 28/09/2015 14:15

You don't need an excuse to end it. You just need to end it. Being unhappy would be reason enough. But emotional abuse is a pretty massive fucking reason.

He can't "make" your children hate you. They learn from actions not words. They must be terrified of him. They need their mother to protect them.

Neddyteddy · 28/09/2015 14:17

Are you married?

You can in effect make him homeless and tell him to present himself as homeless to the council on a weekday morning. Not sure what would happen with the kids. I guess he would take them with him as he's the main carer. You'd could have them alternate weekends and one midweek night or something

Neddyteddy · 28/09/2015 14:18

Are long as you act reasonably and fairly, your kid will grasp it

NameChange30 · 28/09/2015 14:20

"Not sure what would happen with the kids. I guess he would take them with him as he's the main carer."
Errrr no, he's emotionally abusive, probably not the best option for main carer!! OP get advice from Women's Aid and a solicitor on what would happen with the children.
If there is anything you can log with the police or social services that would help your case in terms of limiting his contact with the children or allowing supervised contact only.

Original poster
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/09/2015 14:31

I guess he would take them with him as he's the main carer. You'd could have them alternate weekends and one midweek night or something

No way, over my dead body . NO

this is exactly why I am staying in such a state of miserable inertia- I would rather die than split with someone who is EA and then not see my kids, and have them leave their home

I need some legal advice

we are not married BTW

My dream is we split, get mediation and agree 50:50

bit I have a horrible feeling this will be somewhat hard to realise!

thanks, am reading all words

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2015 14:39

"My dream is we split, get mediation and agree 50:50"

Solely focus on separating now.

Mediation will be a wasted effort with him and is not recommended due to the emotional abuse. Organisations like Womens Aid can and will help you if you were to call them on 0808 2000 247. You need proper legal advice as well.

I doubt very much that 50;50 will be achievable because men like this one are really not interested long term in the welfare of these children (other than to try and control them as well).

Toffeelatteplease · 28/09/2015 14:41

Who owns the house?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2015 14:42

"this is exactly why I am staying in such a state of miserable inertia- I would rather die than split with someone who is EA and then not see my kids, and have them leave their home"

Your children are also being emotionally harmed by them seeing you as their mother being emotionally abused by this man. You are teaching them that currently at least, this is acceptable to you.

Would you want your children as adults to live the life you have now?.

The life you are living now is really death by 1000 cuts. Your children will not thank you for staying with this person if you choose to; they will despise you instead for doing that to them and accuse you furthermore of putting him before them (simply out of some notion that you would not see your children and have them leave your home. This is all supposition on your part).

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2015 14:44

Where he goes following him leaving your home is of no concern to you.

I presume as well your children cannot stand the very sight and sound of him. They see all too clearly how you as their mother is treated by him.

Rebecca2014 · 28/09/2015 14:47

He sounds like my ex but you are in a much better position than I ever was. You are the main earner, you do not have to worry about money or having an roof over your head. You have none of those excuses.

I cannot imagine the damage you have both caused your children. How old are they? you know what was my worst fear? My daughter ending up in an abusive relationship, turning around and blaming me because of what she had seen as a child. That could happen to you,your children will rightly point the finger at you just as much as their father.

If you want to maintain a good relationship with your children into adulthood then you need to kick that man out of your house. You need to end the relationship and show them this is not how a man treats a woman.

You can say your staying for the kids, but we both know that is rubbish. It is in their best interests you leave. You are staying because you are scared of being alone, you are scared you will not meet anyone else. I used to make up the excuse, I wish he hit me so I would leave! I bet even if he did hit you, you still stay!

I hope you do leave but considering you posted here a few times before, its unlikely. You are wasting your life.

I been out of that type relationship for a year now, it is bliss.

Original poster
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/09/2015 14:51

I have hired a counsellor that's experienced in EA- I need to get some advice from her and then seek legal advice as to how to go about it

I am so scared of his blistering rage when I tell him

they are happy little children- but I agree that its not sustainable to have them remain in this.

and yet- they will also be damaged by the fall out. there seems to be no easy way really

My boss knows, and will support me. I own the house. I am financially OK.

I am just so so scared I cant even say-

The life you are living now is really death by 1000 cuts
THIS. I went to the playground this weekend and remembered all the times I had left the house in tears due to a row. This is no life.

But its like he cannot contemplate he is in the wrong. I tired to tell him he needs to stop shouting and he shouted even louder! and called ME a psycho!

I wish he was fucking dead sometimes,

OP posts:
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