how to talk to someone that SHOUTS and RAGES all the time

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

DP and I have been on/off for many years- posted here a few times too- here I am back a-fucking-gain.

after what was an OK 2014, we had a huge row (due to him fucking losing it, and my trying to calm him down) and we are back in the turd again- and Its depressing me so much. I feel so low- it takes all joy our of my life. I dread weekends and evenings. basically I love my kids so much but when I am with them, he is there. With the joys of:

screaming rows (him screaming!)
OR. ignoring me, saying "whatever"
unable to discuss anything in an adult manner as he revert to shouting, and bringing up old grudges
reverting to scarily high anger within a short time period
shouting in front of the children-

Is it normal that when someone shouts at me my heart beats and I get scared?

he is trying to have me put my name against an investment, and given how bad things are I have declined- this has NOT gone down

Here is the problem, he is the SAHD! he has no job, no money. If we split I am basically turfing him out and making him homeless. I can just imagine how he would turn kids against me if I did that.

But how do you split up , or even give an ultimatum when they wont listen? I am serious if I try and speak he just tells me to leave him alone

I feel like I have festering angry ogre that I cant get rid off, and cant communicate with. I feel like living with him and his anger is my lot forever as I am too scared to deal with the problem

anyone been there????

TIA

I told my ex at the beginning of the year that I'd had enough. He sounds similar to your DP in that he had no ramping up as a warning of the impending rage, he just started shouting. I have 2 DC and it started to affect them. There was such an atmosphere in the house all the time and I dreaded going home. It took me about a year to get my head around actually doing it and the first few months were awful. He is self-employed but spent most of his time on the sofa. I supported us for about 5 years so it took 3 months for him to sort his shit out enough to move out. He moved out at the end of March and the house has been blissful ever since.

The DC no longer hide in their bedrooms, we laugh, sing, be silly etc.

My DD has decided she no longer wants to see him because of his attitude towards her (she is 15 and very mature) and my DS sees him every other weekend (he is 9). I asked him the other day if his Dad still shouts a lot and he hesitated and said 'I don't know'. That tells me he does but my DS doesn't want to tell me.

The whole thing has shown me who my real friends and family are. His family, who I was really close to have turned their backs on me! His DM actually said to me that she had been in my situation a few times (had enough of her DH) but she was still there! Both of her DC are f*cked up but they are all oblivious to it. Their attitude is how dare I walk away.

The upshot is that it will not be easy BUT your kids lives will be improved 100% on a daily basis. Hearing my DC laugh in the house is the best thing, there was very little laughter before.

Good luck OP, it will be worth it in the end

Yes, the kids' 'love' for him will be a desperate attempt to make him not shout at them or hurt them. They and you will feel much better once he's gone.
Do talk to WA and the police DV unit, they will give you all the necessary support and practical advice. Good luck.

UPDATE
have formally communicated I want to end relationship, written twice (I wont talk to him)
and am trawling for a mediator/lawyer
My mind is set- now I need to be very strong as he isn't taking it very well

Its a long roads, but the journey has started

Thanks for support again to ppl that posted

Well done!! Be strong, your children will thank you in years to come
I'm sure there will be others to give you solid advice but KOKO XXX

"and am trawling for a mediator/lawyer"

There's absolutely no need to trawl if you don't have a recommendation from a friend for a shit-hot lawyer! Please do as you were advised before and get hold of Womans Aid. They are in contact with loads of good people and can put you in touch with someone who knows the score and will act for you.

Do it today!

Victims of abuse are in the greatest danger when their abusers realise that their power is waning. You need someone on-side immediately. Please, do not delay.

Congratulations on getting this far, OP. I don't think a mediator is what you need with an emotional abusive person. Get in touch with Woman's Aid and ask about a good lawyer.