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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how to talk to someone that SHOUTS and RAGES all the time

56 replies

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/09/2015 13:39

DP and I have been on/off for many years- posted here a few times too- here I am back a-fucking-gain.

after what was an OK 2014, we had a huge row (due to him fucking losing it, and my trying to calm him down) and we are back in the turd again- and Its depressing me so much. I feel so low- it takes all joy our of my life. I dread weekends and evenings. basically I love my kids so much but when I am with them, he is there. With the joys of:

screaming rows (him screaming!)
OR. ignoring me, saying "whatever"
unable to discuss anything in an adult manner as he revert to shouting, and bringing up old grudges
reverting to scarily high anger within a short time period
shouting in front of the children-

Is it normal that when someone shouts at me my heart beats and I get scared?

he is trying to have me put my name against an investment, and given how bad things are I have declined- this has NOT gone down

Here is the problem, he is the SAHD! he has no job, no money. If we split I am basically turfing him out and making him homeless. I can just imagine how he would turn kids against me if I did that.

But how do you split up , or even give an ultimatum when they wont listen? I am serious if I try and speak he just tells me to leave him alone

I feel like I have festering angry ogre that I cant get rid off, and cant communicate with. I feel like living with him and his anger is my lot forever as I am too scared to deal with the problem

anyone been there????

TIA

OP posts:
BeeRayKay · 28/09/2015 14:51

Rebbecca,

Whilst you raise some valid points, that wasn't an overly helpful post.

This woman is being abused and is scared and confused. To have a peer telling her she's spouting crap and is damaging the children is not helpful. It's not tough love. It's feeding her fear, further.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2015 14:55

"and yet- they will also be damaged by the fall out. there seems to be no easy way really"

They will adjust far more easily if you were all to manage to get away from this individual. They are being far more damaged now by being exposed to what is happening to you now at home. They need to be taught that the only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is really none.

Leaving is never easy but staying at all within this condemns them as well as you to a life of fear and misery.

Original poster
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/09/2015 15:03

wow Rebecca

I hope no one posted stuff like that to you when you were on the brink

I am scared of HIM. My biggest fear is that he will fuck off and never see kids again and they will blame me that they lost their Dad
I am also scared he will do something silly- fears I wont even articulate

being on my own? meh- that does not scare me I am pretty much a single mother emotionally anyway - cant get much lonelier than I feel right now!

and do the kids hate him? I don't think they do, he can be very loving to them and does the day to day care very well. But I am kidding myself if I don't think they are soaking up stuff, I know that

OP posts:
Shakey15000 · 28/09/2015 15:09

Ye gads that's no life you have there is it? What an awful sounding man Sad

Personally I'd contact the police, outline the situation, tell them you want it noted that you are worried about the reaction when he vacates the property. Then I'd change the bloody locks. I probably wouldn't bother talking to him if you get the kind of responses you list. All the very best and I hope it all works out for you and the kids x

Atenco · 28/09/2015 15:57

What you need OP is good legal advice about how to conduct this split.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2015 16:02

"I am scared of HIM. My biggest fear is that he will fuck off and never see kids again and they will blame me that they lost their Dad
I am also scared he will do something silly- fears I wont even articulate"

It is understandable that you are scared of him given his behaviour; they likely are as well deep down. They see how he treats you and may well think that they could well be next (they may well be very quiet and compliant in his presence).

He may well do the day to day care of these children but his emotional abuse of you really cancels that out.

If he did leave and never saw them again that would be his choice and not of your doing. Same with any perceived threat of him doing something silly; again that is his choice and not of your doing either. You are not responsible for him or his actions.

I would read about co-dependency in relationships as well and see if any of that rings a bell with you.

cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 16:09

...I am just so so scared I cant even say...

That is frightening.

Phone Women's Aid immediately. I reckon you actually hold all the legal and financial cards in your hands but I think you need someone in real life to talk to and help you in light of the abuse.

donajimena · 28/09/2015 16:10

the fears that you won't articulate I think I know what you are referring to. I've been there with those fears. Womens aid were absolutely amazing and totally 'get' emotional abuse.
Sending you strength and best wishes. It can be done (getting them to leave) its not easy. Make sure you get support and women's aid were the best option in real life for me. To my friends my ex was an arse. I was shit scared of him.

Twinklestein · 28/09/2015 17:40

You must get this EA on record.

After calling Women's Aid, make an appointment with your GP, tell them you've been experiencing EA over a very long time, you're scared of your partner and you need therapy - (even if you don't feel you need it - there's a reason for this). Do not at this time tell the GP you are splitting up.

After about a month, go back and tell them it's so bad you'll have to split.

The reason for all this is that while you won't need to get divorced as you're not married, you may end up going to court regarding child contact if you can't agree. (Never attempt mediation with an abusive man).

If you have told your GP of the abuse and you are receiving treatment for issues caused by the EA, the GP can write a letter to the court stating this, they can also write a letter in support of an application for legal aid.

GPs can be funny about writing such letters if they are first informed of abuse at the same time as being asked for a legal aid letter.

summerwinterton · 28/09/2015 18:41

yep you need Women's Aid, the Freedom programme and a solicitor who they will recommend. You know you need to et rid of him. Being scared of him all the time is hideous.

spudlike1 · 28/09/2015 18:45

Follow twinklestein's advice (and every other poster
do it !!!
Then come back here for more
you must !!!

RandomMess · 28/09/2015 18:46

How old are the dc?

Has it occurred to you that the dc are very very loving towards him to avoid him being angry at them

Hugs and Flowers please get yourself so RL support so you have the courage to get him out of the home.

ImperialBlether · 28/09/2015 18:51

If you share the children 50:50 I bet he will never work again and you will have to support him.

Get really good legal advice. Don't just go to the first solicitor on the high street. Phone Women's Aid, too, and talk to them.

I would be looking at having the children full time and having him see them under controlled conditions.

cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 18:51

Good thinking and useful advice, Twinklestein.

Elendon · 28/09/2015 18:52

Don't sign anything. Trust your instinct on this.

And get some professional help. Good luck Flowers

Hissy · 28/09/2015 20:09

Leave him/ chuck him out.

He abuses through fear, not power. Trust me.

The BEST you can hope for is that he fucks off and never sees them again. It would be best for THEM that he does tbh. That too would be his choice. Just as its his choice to abuse you (and the dc by association)

Focus on getting him away from you all. That's the starting point. The rest will sort itself. Your kids will start to feel lighter and happier in days, you will see this literally befor your eyes.

The longer they have him in their lives, the more he poisons them, both within themselves, and against you.

Your eyes are open now, there is not going back, get him gone. The strength you need will come to you when he is gone.

Original poster
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/09/2015 14:46

Thanks to everyone that took the time to post
Some painful truths in your posts, no critique just painful to face up to
I had time with my therapist today, this time I chose one who is very experienced in EA, and all types of abuse
She made me say it “I am a domestic abuse victim” and I feel strangely liberated, and incredibly scared.
So I got shit to do ladies, WA to call, and solicitor to find
Will this happen overnight no
But I can’t go on like this forever, I know this

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 30/09/2015 15:01

Good for you OP! Well done for finding an experienced therapist. Good luck - you can do this!

NettleTea · 30/09/2015 15:04

The good position you are in will become clear - you own the house. You are not married, so he has no claim on that.
You own the house and are not married so not only has he no claim, he has no right to stay if you ask him to leave, and the police will happily help him go if he starts shouting and raging.
In fact as you are not married he has no claim on any maintanance either.

cozietoesie · 30/09/2015 17:33

Well done - and good luck. Smile

Atenco · 30/09/2015 18:23

Well done, OP.

Muckogy · 30/09/2015 19:03

well done. he's an abusive prick.
you'd be well rid of him.

mummymeister · 30/09/2015 23:07

OP - reading your last post it seems like you are describing this latest episode as "almost the end of the line rather than actually the end of the line.

your children are nice to him because they have learnt to be. they have learnt that they cannot be anything other than this and that is a pretty shameful situation but you know that already really don't you.

All of this can happen overnight if you decide it should and I really wish that you would. Your children are learning how to be manipulative to get what they want. this is a really poor lesson. the longer it goes on the more the issues that you fear will happen.

you are just over thinking this too much. the what ifs are being given more weight and importance than the situation you are in. its a classic avoidance technique.

Imagine if this man was actually someone you employed as nanny. would you tolerate this behaviour around them?

I know it is tough and I know you are going to need a lot of help and support but please stop procrastinating and get on with it. every day you leave it is a day more harm to the children and yourself.

this relationship is beyond dead in the water. put you energies in to getting out of it, not coming up with even more reasons why you shouldn't. good luck.

CantAffordtoLive · 01/10/2015 07:45

I could have written your post. I was so afraid of my Ex I actually stayed until the kids were young adults. :( And yes, it affected them and their relationships badly.

One day the fear of staying any longer suddenly became greater than my fear of him. I ran away. I ended up going back and after another couple of years I managed to find a solicitor that I felt understood, who didn't just see me as 'another case'. I had no RL support. If I had I would have left him much sooner.

Please get as much advice as you can, it is easier to make decisions when you have information. And get some RL support if you can. I understand the fear but once you make the decision and get the ball rolling it isn't nearly as bad as you think it will be. Flowers

pallasathena · 02/10/2015 14:43

And the kids won't blame you. If anything, they'll be relieved to finally live in a peaceful, calm and loving home where they and you can feel safe. I speak from experience.

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