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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have re-registered to talk about my family. This will be long, sorry.

51 replies

sadsister4 · 26/09/2015 10:40

Perhaps I should be on the stately homes thread, but I don't know whether my story is worthy of it.

I guess I just need some perspective. Maybe writing it all down will help.

My family make me very sad. I'll try to put down why as briefly as possible. I just want to know if it's me or them. Part of me wants to be NC, but on the other hand I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

I'm the youngest by ten years.
My mum went out to work in the evenings when I was 3 months old, leaving me in the care of my siblings.
My eldest sister (by 15 years) was like my mum. She got married when I was five and moved away. I think this traumatised me.
My second sister took over the babysitting and resented it. I was bullied by her and was terrified of her. Never physical - just ranted and raved and made my life miserable.
My brother (14 years older) physically bullied me, in a 'play fighting' way, e.g. tickled me until I cried, etc.
My parents were fairly neglectful. I was riddled with threadworm for years, they went out every Saturday night leaving me home alone, etc.

So, all my life I've tried to please my family. Babysitting without taking payment, when a penniless student using my grant to buy gifts for siblings, nieces and nephews, etc, even though I never received a phone call from them while at uni. I think I was pretty much out of sight, out of mind.

My brother and sister in law have said some pretty foul things to me over the years, my eldest sister has constantly made fun of me (thinks I'm slapdash in the home, etc). I have been very close to the younger of my two sisters, but currently she is very distant and hasn't actually rung me since July. I used to ring her all the time, but it started to feel one sided, so I eased off. Result is that I barely hear from any of them.

Nobody rings me, ever. If I don't phone them, I don't speak to them.

I get the occasional text from my sisters.

I think what has brought this to a head is the text I got off my sister the other day saying that she, my sister and my SIL had been discussing Christmas and decided that siblings wouldn't buy for each other any more, just buy for the little ones (great nieces and nephews) and any nieces and nephews that don't have children yet.

I don't know why but this has made me very sad.

Sorry for the ramble.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsister4 · 26/09/2015 10:45

I guess I just want to know if it's me or them.

Family occasions often end in arguments, by the way. I mean, tears and recriminations.

I've tried really hard to be a good, supportive sister and aunt. I mean, over and above. Now it just feels like it was all for nothing.

I guess I'm just feeling a little bit lost and need some objective opinions.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 26/09/2015 10:48

Do you have DC op?

I can understand how you feel, I've been the family scapegoat for years, being 'teased' for being stupid/spendthrift etc when it's not true I just don't fight or argue, prefer a quiet life.

Then they started on my DC being incredibly evil and bullying. I'm a year in no contact and feeling much happier & calmer.

I don't know what to advise, but I know how you feel. I'm so sorry you're being treated like this by your family.

fuzzywuzzy · 26/09/2015 10:48

And it's not you

Original poster
sadsister4 · 26/09/2015 10:52

I have two DC, 17 and 15 who know how I feel about my siblings, and know that my childhood wasn't great.

They adore their grandparents (they've mellowed) but have little time for their aunts and uncles. Which is understandable.

You think I'm the family scapegoat? I've wondered about that. Going NC seems scary. How did you do it? I wouldn't like to go NC on my parents, they're very old and frail.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsister4 · 26/09/2015 10:53

They're not evil and bullying to my DC. That's why I feel like a drama-llama. It's all quite insidious stuff. But...they're just not very nice, basically. And I feel I've been taken for granted. Like I've had to earn their love and attention. I just can't do it any more.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 26/09/2015 10:58

So they haven't asked your opinion but have decided amongst themselves?

Just for some context -

Do you have children yourself?

Are your parents still around?

Imbroglio · 26/09/2015 10:59

Sorry cross posted

emotionsecho · 26/09/2015 11:03

Do your children get on with their cousins?

From what you say I would just withdraw from my siblings and their offspring, your children don't hold their aunts and uncles in high regard so wouldn't be bothered, but I would maintain some sort of relationship with my parents.

Imbroglio · 26/09/2015 11:03

I wonder if the issue is the age gap. It can't have been great for your older siblings to be expected to look after their sibling. Must have affected them a lot.

Original poster
sadsister4 · 26/09/2015 11:03

Yes, they decided amongst themselves then my sister texted me to tell me and ask if that was okay with me.

I said it was, but actually it just makes me sad.

That was the first I'd heard from her in weeks.

I don't know why I keep trying. When I split from my husband, I got a phone call, but no-one visited, offered to help, etc. It was such a tough time.

I'd have been there like a shot.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsister4 · 26/09/2015 11:04

Yes, the age gap. But that's not really my fault is it? I've tried to make it up to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsister4 · 26/09/2015 11:05

My nieces and nephews are grown up. I'm friendlyish with them, and take an interest in their children.

I've really tried to support one of my siblings kids as they've had real problems in the past, but it did get quite difficult. I'm not sure why.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 26/09/2015 11:08

I've tried to make it up to them

Wow - this is not something you have to make up to them for. YOUR PARENTS had a later baby, and then for whatever reason (financial, mental health, whatever) left you to be brought up by their other children.

emotionsecho · 26/09/2015 11:10

Please stop trying to make up to them things that were beyond your control, in fact stop trying full stop, to be blunt they are not interested in you, you are an afterthought. Your children have seen through them and aren't going to be upset or bothered if you withdraw from them, I am sure your children would support your decision.

Original poster
sadsister4 · 26/09/2015 11:17

I was an accident, I've been told that.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsister4 · 26/09/2015 11:18

We have these occasionally family get togethers that are very false. I hate turning up to them.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 26/09/2015 11:21

I wondered if because they are closer in age they just have more in common. Some of them have grown-up children now and their lives have changed.

The decision to stop presents among siblings in itself seems quite normal at the ages you must be, and in a way I'd take heart that they are still doing gifts for nieces and nephews. However it symbolises something for you.

Original poster
sadsister4 · 26/09/2015 11:21

I wish I could just disappear from their lives. It will be easier when my parents aren't around.

I know my sisters think I don't do enough for my mum and dad, but I have a full time job and neither of them do. It's very difficult to do as much as they do.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 26/09/2015 11:21

How do you you know this?

Original poster
sadsister4 · 26/09/2015 11:24

I used to have more in common with my younger sister than my older one, as our children are fairly close in age.

Now maybe the gap has widened again.

Yes, I know it's normal, but it was the way it was done. And, normal, maybe, but not for our family.

'Expensive and time consuming' was the reason. I think that's what's upset me as they are all absolutely loaded (millions) and I'm the only one (including in-laws) with a job! They've all retired/been housewives! Yet I wanted to keep it going.

It's the fact that the real issue is that they can't be arsed. And, it was the last nice thing we did for each other. Even that's gone now.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsister4 · 26/09/2015 11:25

Because it has been alluded to.

Not directly (that's not the way they work) but my sister has 'suggested' things I could do to help, and moaned that the pressure is on her.

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 26/09/2015 11:27

If you only see them occasionally and have little interaction with them in between can you just be polite and civil when required and then just carry on with your own life without giving them time or thought? I know it is hard but you sound pretty self sufficient and independent you don't really need them they would only bring more drama and work with them.

Do what you can and what you want to do for your parents, do not let them guilt trip you.

emotionsecho · 26/09/2015 11:32

I sense from your last post that you are still looking for love and acceptance from them, you want to feel included and valued. Unfortunately, they don't and I understand why that hurts you but I'm afraid your relationship with the will never be the one you would like, you've already seen that unless you make the effort they won't it is all one-sided.

Original poster
sadsister4 · 26/09/2015 11:35

I think you're right, emotionsecho

I desperately want to feel accepted and I only ever will if I continue to give and give and give and expect little in return.

It's hard to accept that that's what I've been doing and it's all been for nothing.

So, now I need to disengage, but that is proving very hard to do. I want to not care.

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 26/09/2015 12:16

You'll never not care unless you are a cold hearted person, which you obviously are not. It will be hard but try and remember it is your siblings who have let you down, it is they who are missing out on you and your children.

I'm sorry that they have made you feel the way you do.Flowers