How best to handle when a man blows hot then cold?

[emmalouissa]

I feel I have been used by someone I had trusted who chased me and assured me he was truthworthy and really into me and feel angry / upset and used.

He blew completely cold on me with taking forever to respond to messages and being non-committal about our next date which is a 180 degree reversal from last week.

I gave the benefit of the doubt but it's obvious he's had his fun and is out the door and I just feel so angry after being chased.

I am sure I will hear from him again so do I just block and delete (feel like this shows I care and gives him satisfaction) or do I just move on to the next and send some smart reply when he does get in contact?

I'm feeling really down on myself, really crap time with men the last 6 months, and want to act in a way that makes me feel good and powerful again.

Being used like that really stripped me of my dignity and got some tears out of me tonight and I am just livid at being tricked into this position again.

So sick of men and their bloody head games and lengths they will go to to get you into bed only to treat you badly afterwards.

Block him.

if he contacts you just ignore him

Stay cold, yourself.

Dump.

Some men only like the chase or the 'conquest'. Once they've 'caught' you, they're no longer interested. It has nothing to do with you, you could be Megan Fox and they'd still be off to the next one. They're shallow and insecure and you're better off without them.

I think most of us have been in your position at least once in our lives.

Go ahead and shed your tears, give yourself 24 more hours to feel it. Then chalk it up to experience and move on. If he contacts you, don't respond. He'd probably only be looking for a booty call and you are worth much, much more than that.

Here's a word from a much older woman (me). The more a man pressures you to go to bed the less likely it is that he's really interested in you as a person. Someone who really likes YOU, who you are, is content to go at your pace as far as when sex becomes part of a relationship. Of course they'll all try it on, but they should back off right away if you say you aren't ready and you'll let them know when you are.

Ugh. Had to reply to this as it is also my overriding experience. Basically you can't believe anything they say. If you have sex with them have ZERO expectations. Last guy I dated logged on to his dating account six hours after we had sex. Luckily I saw him coming this time so brushed it off.
It is brutal. But it's NOT YOU or anything you did or didn't do. It's them.

Across- it doesn't really work like that I don't think. If you don't have sex with them they move on to the next one. Even the 'nice guys' feel entitled to sex within a few dates, unless they are religious. It's why they are on the dating site after all...

Thanks everyone. I broke all the rules and sent him a text to say I found his behavior very rude. This one was 6 months chasing me, so I don't think it's me jumping into bed too quickly. He's just an idiot.

He replied to my text very indignant feigning suprise. He's been busy! He's only just got in!

Amazing how his busyiness co-incides so incredibly well with having just had his end away finally. How do they honestly dit there and say that for three days they are so busy they don't have 10 seconds to call you or send you a message? He must have logged on about 20 times to text someone else!

I will just ignore him now.

I got contacted more before I slept with him. Is that not all I need to know?

What really annoys me is that I was ill and told him and he didn't have much to say. Before he got me into bed he'd have been asking if he could come round and bring me something or give me a cuddle. He acted sooooooooooooooo caring! What a bloody idiot.

Have had a run of them lately and have figured it doesn't matter how long you take to sleep with them - and idiot is an idiot and there's a lot of them around :(

Their loss brokenhearted. I'm not upset aymore, just shocked by how stupid these idiots are.

What a waste of their own time, much less ours.

I personally wouldn't block and delete for a relationship of that scale -- it just shows you are bothered and gives them far too much significance. If someone's just jilted you at the alter you block and delete. The objective here is to convey the idea that have barely noticed.

Best way is to show that its had absolutely no impact on you/has barely registered with you. Just ignore all communication, pretend you don't know who he is any more.

I think it depends on how approach having sex.

Did you finally "yield"? Or did you actually want to have sex with him?

If you enjoyed it, then you were not "used". Take the enjoyment and whatever you got from his company in the past months and move on.

I'd just stop responding to him and be very vague if he keeps in contact. If he steps up pursuing you, then I'd make it final with a text.

Bin him love, anyone who drains this much energy and fun from you this early on isn't worth bothering your arse over.

I've been there, a hundred times. Ask yourself "Does this make me happy?" If the answers is no, go and find someone or something that does. It's that simple.

It depends on the situation and the person, but in this case I didn't "yeild", more felt like we had built a closeness / friendship and he knew how I felt / what my wants and needs were and I feel he has mis-represented his to get into my pants. That annoys me.

Plenty of people who want casual sex and I am not one of them.

I replied to him telling him not to bother about it, and am now getting ranty texts from him about how busy he has been and how I am over-reacting.

I hate the way they try and twist this into women acting needy or demending or "over reacting" when they treat us with no respect.

I'd just reply that I am too busy for this shit.
Or, more politely, that it's a matter of priorities and he has shown where his are very clearly.

They expect sex after a few dates?? They can fuck off with that, then.

Perhaps (perhaps?) the key is over-gush at the start. Perhaps that's the thing to watch out for - even if this slug gushed for 6 months, it's the gushing that is the red flag?

Honestly? I just couldn't take this high drama - highs, lows. Calm down for goodness sake, chum; I'm not Cleopatra, just a normal, bog-standard person. As are you. So, less of the declarations etc.

Sorry he's hurt you, op. What a turd. Nothing to do with you, all to do with him. Yuk.

Yes, it's two red flags, actually.

The overgushing and the constant pursuit in spite of the other person not responding similarly.

Yes OP there are many many idiots out there

Men (incl nice men, whatever they are, are they a subspecies of the genera men!) have come to expect sex within a few dates because it is a pattern that has established itself within wider society. People (incl men) learn through repeated exposure and experience (Pavlov's dog) to expect certain rewards for exhibiting certain behaviours.

This is not to say that women should stop having sex, with whom and when they want. This is not to say either that all women should withhold sex.

Plus, do men respect women less now? haven't we equality, we can shag about because we decided that this is equality with men? Except that men still have this double standard, and what is more they also have lots of cake! oh, to be a man

OP, I would ignore him now. Just don't engage with his drama. In fact now he is sending his irritating texts, just send one back "Look matey, I don't do drama, please stop pestering me"

I honestly have been a magnet for it the last few years. Perhaps because of dating online instead of meeting people through work or friends.

I find it doesn't matter how long you wait to sleep with them
Doesn't matter if they are gushy or not
Doesn't matter if you play it cool or invest

They all just want sex, or at least the ones I am coming into contact with.

I went back online last night and re-registered myself (back on the horse) and got a man messaging me right away. All going nicely for all of four minutes before he said "what are you looking for? I was after something more casual I think"

And I started to laugh. He's basically just told me he wants sex and nothing else right off the bat, and when I said that and had a laugh about it he started telling me how his girlfriend has just left him a few months ago and his heart is broken etc. etc. and he only wants someone to "love".

Vomit.

So many of these online blokes are broken, full of baggage, looking for an ego boost, wanting to capitalise on access to the buffet of women.

That's all fine, but it's just soooo exhausting that they can't just be honest about it. I'm very clear that I am looking for a relationship.

Now I am ignoring this latest idiot, who's actually patronising me now by trying to comfort me on me being so sentitive. As if the problem is me.

I do know people meet their husbands on online dating and it sometimes works out, so I keep at it. Determined to find a life partner...I am so ready...I just want one who is nice to me!

I would have sent the text too. Not to change the situation but to make myself feel better. Walking away with "dignity" just makes me seethe. Better say my piece then move on.

This man is a cock. I'd just ignore him now.

X post, yeah there are a lot of not right people online. No self awareness.

I suppose the problem is to tell them apart. It's not easy and you don't want to start distrusting people.

For me, I'd just go (went) with what makes me happy at the time and not think necessarily of a relationship. Meet the people and do what makes you happy at that time. It may develop or not, but at least you may feel less disappointed and you may feel that you have benefited from it.

I met lovely DH online, there are some out there. I do agree that it does not matter how you act and when you sleep with them - if you can't be yourself and do what you want, when you want, they're probably not the right person for you anyway.

I've had the 'too busy' guys as well - too busy my arse. If you find time to eat, go to toilet or blow your nose, you can find time to at least send a text.