How best to handle when a man blows hot then cold?

[emmalouissa]

I feel I have been used by someone I had trusted who chased me and assured me he was truthworthy and really into me and feel angry / upset and used.

He blew completely cold on me with taking forever to respond to messages and being non-committal about our next date which is a 180 degree reversal from last week.

I gave the benefit of the doubt but it's obvious he's had his fun and is out the door and I just feel so angry after being chased.

I am sure I will hear from him again so do I just block and delete (feel like this shows I care and gives him satisfaction) or do I just move on to the next and send some smart reply when he does get in contact?

I'm feeling really down on myself, really crap time with men the last 6 months, and want to act in a way that makes me feel good and powerful again.

Being used like that really stripped me of my dignity and got some tears out of me tonight and I am just livid at being tricked into this position again.

So sick of men and their bloody head games and lengths they will go to to get you into bed only to treat you badly afterwards.

I agree so much AcrossthePond. times have changed and yet where we have been afforded all these new freedoms to work, have our own lives, have kids on our own and sleep with people or whatever - along with all that freedom came another price of men running rampant with their needs and desires without consequence.

Seems in a sense we could not win before, and kind of can't now either.

I just had this total idiot texting me saying basically that the problem was me and my expectations being diferrent to what he was prepared to offer, and that the resolution to the problem was for me to drop my expectations.

At 35, I was able to see and realise "er...no...if YOU don't meet MY expectations you can actually piss off and i will find someone who DOES".

But at 25 I did not see that. In my marriage I did not see that.

There was a little part of me that felt being a woman still meant fitting my needs, behavior, dreams and hopes around a man.

Seems to me they (men) are still largely emotionally immature, selfish, entitled. I hate saying that - but I come across it time after time.

I am hoping OUR generation of women raises sons who sees women as true equals and companions rather than accomplices or sidekicks and so many still do.

Yes, unfortunately, I think young women these days are in a 'flux' position! As you say, you have these really wonderful freedoms, you can expect and demand the same things in your lives as men do.

But there is also the legacy from my generation of wanting a stable home life at some point. And it seems as if all most men have learnt from our hard struggle for Women's Lib is 'Oh goody! Now all the chicks will happily fuck me and I don't have to treat them with respect, because I don't treat my mates with respect and all the women want is to be equal with men! Hooray!!!'. They just don't 'get' that subtle difference between equality in work/life choices and the respect due a person as a prospective partner, hell, even as a casual date. That's why they're so fucking surprised when a woman dumps them saying 'You don't treat me right'. Whhaaaattt? I treat you just like I treat 'anybody' (i.e. my mates down the pub). Yes, arsehole, that's the problem! I'm not 'anybody'.

The problem is that it takes an investment of time, sometimes quite a long time, to discover whether or not someone is a prat, is nice but just not what you want, or is your 'prince'. And it's so hard to keep your heart from being involved once you start spending that time with them, especially because whether prat or prince, they're all charming at first. Goodness knows I never learnt to keep my heart completely separate. I was hurt many times, including one abusive marriage, before I met DH. I was lucky, he'd been thoroughly 'vetted' for me by my BFF. Very early on, he and I both agreed that we each were ready for and wanted marriage and children, it only remained to see if we were right for each other.

Other than cattle-branding the arseholes with a large 'J' for jerk and the nice ones with an 'N' for nice I don't know what the answer is. But if you round 'em up and tell me what they are, I'll happily brand them for you!!!

Why isn't there a like button pond that is it

I think anyone is on a hiding to nothing looking for a 'life partner'. I think it's a rare thing and not something you can be expecting or anticipating or engineer in some way through OLD.

Of course most men on dating sites aren't going to say they're just looking for sex or a casual relationship - they wouldn't get any replies!.

I learned the hard way that some people will go to a lot of effort to get what they want (sex) and then 'change' afterwards. They haven't changed, they've achieved their goal and don't like or want me enough to continue to a relationship.

They don't owe me anything any more than I owe them anything. Yeah it stings a bit but you have to shrug it off.

There is an absolutely tiny amount of men looking for a LTR on OLD and even if they are; it doesn't mean that LTR would be with me (or you) even after a few months of seeing each other.

I honestly don't think that a LTR is something you can advertise for or 'pick' on the Internet. All you can do is potentially meet people - many will be not what you're looking for despite the image they present.

I've had a couple of friends get married through OLD (tbh they were people in their late 30s or 40s and may have just settled IMO considering the divorces after a few years!). Far, far more friends married someone they met at work or in a pub or whatever.

For me it comes down to how desperate I am to have a partner. And I don't mean desperate in a disparaging 'God, I have to have SOMEONE' way but more that I don't think having a partner is something I need.

I'm independent and have a good life. I'd love to have a healthy and happy relationship but it would have to be amazing for me to make the necessary compromises to adjust.

So i'd give it a whirl if someone amazing came along but I don't feel like it's something I need and therefore need to 'look for'. I'm sure looking for it wouldn't result in me finding it.

Pond that was such an amazing post! Loved it. And it seems as if all most men have learnt from our hard struggle for Women's Lib is 'Oh goody! Now all the chicks will happily fuck me and I don't have to treat them with respect which summed up really what I was trying to say, badly, earlier. How very true it all is.

Icouldbe I think all of us are owed honesty :( You can't turn around and say of course they won't be honest they wouldn't get any replies as if this justifies their lying and then say they owe us nothing better than that.

Can't agree at all with that. It's like saying "well of course they didn't tell you there was damp, you'd never have bought the house". People are owed honesty in the way I view the world, and each one of us has the right to choose if we want casual sex or a relationship and make choices based on information we are given. "Tricking" someone into bed to satisfy your own needs is wrong. I think this total loss of expectation of anything other than lies is quite sad :(

Are humans so awful that we treat each other like that and expect n o better? I know I don't treat people like that and know a lot of people who don't as well as a lot of people who have genuinely looked for (and found) love online.

hey just don't 'get' that subtle difference between equality in work/life choices and the respect due a person as a prospective partner, hell, even as a casual date. That's why they're so fucking surprised when a woman dumps them saying 'You don't treat me right'. Whhaaaattt? I treat you just like I treat 'anybody'

Read this twice now and it;s so true! Totally lost the art of showing a prospective partner that respect. And it's not a man /woman thing...it's like the way you build trust and intimacy by sowing someone hey matter and are valuable to you. A vast proportion of men (especially 35 - 45) seem to have absolutely no clue on this front.

I'm not convinced, Pond. I suspect the jerks always acted like jerks, regardless of what women were like or acted like.
In previous generations, women were abandoned pregnant, tricked into sex, cheated on (more of less obviously), abused, etc.

If anything, it's better for us as we can just send them on their way, instead of clinging to them in the hope of having a man by our side to be considered respectable, or as having achieved what society expected of us.

It wasn't so easy for them though eh?

Yes, there have always been jerks. But back in the day the desire to protect one's 'reputation' or 'remain pure' probably saved quite a few women from jerks. And honestly, I think men tended to take 'no' for an answer without pushing so hard to change a girl's mind. The line between 'nice girls' and 'bad girls' was pretty well drawn and men didn't necessarily expect sex as an automatic part of a relationship with a 'nice girl'. I'm sure the jerks tried it on then moved on when a girl said 'no', and she might have been hurt, but she didn't feel 'used' by him the way so many of us felt when we slept with a man only to have him lose interest.

Now, I'm certainly NOT advocating going back to those days, no way. It's just that men and women aren't on the same 'plane'. I suppose we could always learn their 'love em and leave em' ways, some women I know have and seem to be fine with it. But is that what we really want to evolve to as a society? I don't think so. There's a middle ground. Most women seem to have found it, but the men don't seem to be there yet.

Not sure if I don't (so embarrssed to say something to bloody sexist) sort of still believe in men having an urge to sprad their seed and shag everyhting that moves and women having an urge to settle and connect with stabolity with one person.

I know that is a massive generalisation, but just from speaking to my male and female friends it seems to be the way in lot of ways

Personally, I would love to settle and be happy with one person and moreover find it hard to truly enjoy sex if I don't feel like my partner values, respects me and feel something for me. If they make me feel unwanted or rejected it's a huge turn off. Can't really imagine (sorry to say it) one of my male friends telling me he was upset his new GF didn't respect him and only wanted him for sex. It's quite rare to hear that?

That said, I have also REALLY enjoyed some casual sex and the freedom to have that and be with someone / shag around and have fun when it suited me. I suppose though that I would not have tricked anyone else into participating in that unless they wanted to.

I am glad the world has moved forward, but also quite sad that many men seem to have lost respect for their female counterparts and miss out on building lasting and valuable relationships and connections that could go beyond sex if they stood still long enough to get to know you.

I think the problem is that the men have a 'spread the seed' single minded mentality. But we're conflicted. We want to both (figuratively speaking) 'spread our eggs' AND we want to settle down. So to us, sex is part of an evolving relationship leading to 'are you the one?' whereas with men, sex is just an end in itself, iyswim. I was once told that 'men use love to get sex, women use sex to get love'. Another generalization to be sure, but I think there's a lot of truth in it.

I guess the key may be keeping expectations realistic. Not 'low', but realistic. And basing decisions on those expectations. I guess a woman need to 'expect' that a man is not really interested in marriage and base the decision to sleep with him and/or pursue a relationship on that basis. I hate to sound as if all men are the same, I know there are some who want to settle down, but it seems they all use the same 'line'; 'oh yes, I want the white picket fence, baby' (now take off your knickers).

As you've probably figured, I'm older and married for decades. My 'take' on modern relationships comes from watching my sons and the daughters of my friends as well as some divorced friends. But you know, they say the looker on sees the best of the game. And I can tell you this; if I (God forbid) were to be single again, I would NOT enter the dating scene. It really seems to be a nightmare! But that's easy for me to say, isn't it, because I'm married and have had my children.

I know there are good men out there. My sons are good men and have friends who are good men. My eldest is married to the only woman who wouldn't put up with his shit and told him to commit or hit the road. He loves her madly, it's so sweet to see them and I think he just needed that kick up the bum to make him decide he didn't want to lose her. My younger son really isn't ready for marriage yet but (pardon my brag) the girl who lands him will be a very lucky girl. He was badly burned by his first love and hasn't quite gotten over it. So I know they are out there, I think they're just really, really hard to find!

'You don't treat me right'. Whhaaaattt? I treat you just like I treat 'anybody' (i.e. my mates down the pub)

I don't agree at all. I think if some men treated their mates the way they treat their partners, they'd be told by their mates to fuck off in no uncertain terms.

I agree with Lweji. At least women are slightly more likely to tell jerks to jog on now.

True The stoic!

Can I just ask about the block/ delete thing? If you block a person would they not just think you were ignoring them? Or do they somehow know they've been blocked?

Of you block them I think they know. On whatsapp their messages never get delivered and on Facebook you disappear.

I think doing that shows you care a bit too much!

We want to both (figuratively speaking) 'spread our eggs' AND we want to settle down

We can't really spread our eggs, we have to keep them for about 9 months and then more because we've already committed that time and effort. That's why we want to settle. It's easier to raise a child as a couple.

Lweji, that's why I said figuratively speaking, playing on men 'spreading seed' (i.e. shagging about) to say that many women want to shag and settle down at some point whereas many men seem to just want to shag.

Everything is so stalkerish now……

That's something I've noticed broken, all the ways now to know or find out that you've been dumped or cheated on. Back in the 'stone age' when I was dating you really didn't know what was going on with a man (or vice versa) unless he told you or you went to extraordinary means to find out. Spying on someone (I can remember sitting with a friend in her car watching for her bf to see what he was 'up to'), going through belongings, trying to bamboozle friends in to revealing things. All a bit sordid compared to just getting one's hands on a phone or iPad, or logging into Facebook! Being dumped back then meant that someone simply stopped calling and you had to just assume it was over (even if you did try to convince yourself they hadn't called because they'd been eaten by piranha). No 'unfriending' or 'blocking' to let you know for sure. No pics on social media showing them out with someone new. The only technology we had was answerphone machines so if you left a message and didn't get a callback, you assumed that you had your answer right there (unless it was those damned piranha again). The only benefit was that, back then, when you broke up you generally never had to see or hear about them again. Nowadays it seems that there are constant reminders via SM unless you 'block' someone.

WhatsCrap, oh dear what a pain that thing is. If you block then delete message thread/person you cannot be tempted to contact them, and you won't see when they are online! then go to texts, block the number, delete the texts. Go to settings on phone that shows all contacts and delete the person from that. DONE. Of course WhatsCrap will alert them to the fact they are blocked by not delivering the message, but soooo flippin what!

I think Pond speaks a lot of sense.

With total respect OP, at 35, do you need text messages through the day to feel attended to?

I met my OH on Tinder he lives around an hour away. We messaged for a month then met for a date. We got outrageously drunk, had a brilliant night. Slept together first date. Next month we will have been together a year. He is always attentive when we are together and loving and we see each other every few days. We usually message each other a couple of times a day (sometimes more. Sometimes less) if we don't message each other every day it means literally nothing. We treat each other like gold when we are together. That to me is what counts. I think texts are so overrated and people get themself in a knot about them and give them so much gravitas. Many lovely developing relationships will have been thwarted through unnecessary text paranoia and angst. Not saying that's you but I do think it's true.