How best to handle when a man blows hot then cold?

[emmalouissa]

I feel I have been used by someone I had trusted who chased me and assured me he was truthworthy and really into me and feel angry / upset and used.

He blew completely cold on me with taking forever to respond to messages and being non-committal about our next date which is a 180 degree reversal from last week.

I gave the benefit of the doubt but it's obvious he's had his fun and is out the door and I just feel so angry after being chased.

I am sure I will hear from him again so do I just block and delete (feel like this shows I care and gives him satisfaction) or do I just move on to the next and send some smart reply when he does get in contact?

I'm feeling really down on myself, really crap time with men the last 6 months, and want to act in a way that makes me feel good and powerful again.

Being used like that really stripped me of my dignity and got some tears out of me tonight and I am just livid at being tricked into this position again.

So sick of men and their bloody head games and lengths they will go to to get you into bed only to treat you badly afterwards.

Exodus, that is what is required.

Go read the dating thread, god it's a grim read.

Men and their insatiable desire to try all the sweets. Seems to be because there are too many options.

So, exodus. If enough women said nope, no way, or enough women realised that it wasn't purely their own subjective experience with these men, and decided not to engage with the game that is OD, then it would be game up, and new rules.

wanting to capitalise on access to the buffet of women

Except there isn't really a buffet available to them because few women are looking for casual sex in quite the same way that the men often are.
?
For every one women who does want a casual arrangement there are several men

it's the women who truly have the 'buffet', but when you look at what's on offer it's not really so appetizing ?

I am glad I sent the text.

I am tired of "dignity" translating to someone behaving like a cock and getting away without anyone mentioning it. I am glad I told him what I'm worth anyway. Why shouldn't I? I don't particularly care what he thinks.

I agree with the no self awareness thing. Maybe the problem is that online dating makes it so easy for people with problems to chat up women in a way they would never be able to do in a bar or at the office water cooler. It's almost like they create a fantasy of a romance but it's never based on reality.

Tellingly, I find that most of the dodgy ones communicate a lot by text message. The decent ones I have dated have quickly moved on the phone calls.

I did think this one genuinely cared about me and was a good guy - more fool me.

You're right Lweji. I don't want to start distrusting people so it's a fine line to tread. I think I might walk the line of being out the door the first time they don't phone or communicate and after being beaten down and felt so shit I am starting to get angry instead of hurt - which is better.

I know throughout the ages you have had the age old problem of men trying to access women for sex with lies and falsities but online dating makes it a lot easier for them.

I just don't meet men in my daily life. I work in a girly industry surrounded by women, and in my mid thirties amost all my friends are married now!

too busy my arse. If you find time to eat, go to toilet or blow your nose, you can find time to at least send a text.

Love that! Too true, new mantra.

Tired of sitting there wondring if it's me with the problem.

How do you mean Marxist? Like all women stop dating? Or just draw a line in the sand and stop accepting shitty behavior?

I been having the same problem, very recently I was dating a guy who seemed very keen on me. I sorta fell for his lines and we ended up getting sexual, pretty soon after that he stopped contacting me. Another man started going cold once we slept together so it does seem to be a pattern.

Its like they lose all respect for you once the clothes come off?

I found that free dating sites were the worst. All I ever got was casual offers from damaged men with no social skills or worse.
I tried a few sites, met a few dickheads, had my share of men blowing hot and cold too.

I joined an expensive site eventually, I married my first date from there last year and just had our first baby. The site was match affinity, it was the best £90 I ever spent. I figured if a bloke would spend that he was a) serious and b) solvent

Just draw a line and stop accepting shitty behaviour. And I agree with you, I would have sent the text and had my say. I don't shy away from saying how it is. If everyone simply blocked and stopped conveying any message then these men are given free pass to think: she is looking for sex, she is off looking for it elsewhere too. She didn't give a hoot, neither did I. She is unhappy but no matter I can waltz about all ignorant because I don't know, and there are no consequences to behaviour. If you don't say what you mean, or say nothing then everyone is free to act with impunity claiming ignorance.

Plus, if all women made an exodus from the "evil" that is OD then these men wouldn't and couldn't have the mentality that it is like a sweetie shop.

There maybe more men looking for casual and less women, therefore it would seem that women have more choice. However men have developed a way around this. This is to lie and deceive about their intentions.

I once tried this out. I went on line and put in that I wanted to date and nothing serious...few messages, then altered it and got lots of messages, including from men who clearly only wanted sex. So, it would seem that men actually get off on the game of deceiving and chasing, having sex and dropping and can only get their kicks when they know they are doing it with a women who isn't dropping her knickers for everyone! sick really.

I'm not keen on the blocking thing. I think it kind of makes you look unhinged and over-dramatic at the exact moment they are trying to spin the tables to make you feel that way anyway.

I would far rather say "hey, dick head...if you think that sort of behavior is acceptable you're barking up the wrong tree". Which is exactly what I did.

Hilariously...he sent me a long message explaining how busy he has been, how stressed and how as much as he'd like to, he can't sit there texting me all day long. (amazing that he did before he shagged me, but hey ho). He said he likes me a lot and wants to see me again, but if I am going to give him a hard time just because he is "busy" then we are going to have a problem.

I wrote back and said I appreciated he was busy, but that it would have taken 30 seconds or less to explain that, and it is rude and disrespectful to significantly reduce communication after sex with someone without explanation. I said, he was quite right though...we were going to "have a problem" because I don't want to sleep with, or spend time with, anyone who feels behaving like that is ok and that for me; consistency, reliability and consideration were paramount factors in the kind of man I want to be with.

He's now asking to see me again and I told him to knob off. Very sweetly, and wished him well.

I do feel better. I do think these people need to be told, and I do think I cam away with dignity, despite losing my temper.

Rebecca2014 I honestly don't get it either.

I think maybe:

1. They are sending you a message that they want to date / shag you but not to get too atached.

1. They just want a fuck buddy or don't see you as a girlfriend.

1. They just wanted sex with you and the chase is gone.

1. They can't cope with actul intimacy and it's all about the fake game.

Was funny as one of the guys who did this to me, I felt the sex was awful. It just didn't fit together AT ALL. He hurt me when he touched me, was arkward and it lasted all of 20 seconds.

He dumped me immediately afterwards. Was so humiliating and hard on me as we'd dated for month before that. I thought it was something to do with my body and all sorts.

I totally ignored him and didn't react. Just wished him well...and here we are many months later and he is still begging me to see him/ date him / flirting etc and the truth is that he is fine with things like that but if I got closer then he would dump again.

He's just an emotionally unavailable twat who loves having a conquest or something to look forward to but doesn't really want an actual relationship.

This one was diferrent. The sex was amazing and I felt a strong connection and was genuinely really shocked he went quiet on me afterwards.

there's not much pattern to it, other than to say anyone worth it wouldn't do that.

At least I got good sex. With the last one it was rubbish!

Yip Yip emmalouissa well done, you sound like you really have your head on the right way around! You will find someone who appreciates and respects you, because you act like someone who deserves just that

Thanks TheMarxist

I went through a few times of this and the first few I felt it was me. After a while I have just realised that it's not up to someone who doesn't know me to tel me what I am worth - I know that all by myself.

You have to get into a strong position don't you, of genuinely seeing this kind of behavior as a something that makes you think, "wow, what a cock", instead of "what's wrng with me?"

I couldn't treat anyone like that - even someone I really didn't like so it does say more about them than it does about us.

Yes it is sick..sick that they put in time to building intimacy which is false - but shame on them and how sad that they miss out on the best parts of a relationship with another human being

They can expect sex after two or three dates, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen.

Seriously, take back some ownership.

Announce celibacy if they really bug you and see them disappear. Off to shag someone else - fine.

You seem so down brokenhearted.

I have been through this a lot. Also have a cheating ex husband who I absolutely trusted and loved to bits. People can do horrible things and yes, a lot of men, especialy over 35 for some reason, are unaware of emotions and do tend to use women for whatever reason - but I do know deep down not all people are like this.

In my events job, I work around people getting married a lot and see people all the time who truly love and respect their partners. They don't havee to be the most beautiful woman in the room or the funniest or have the best job - they're loved just because they are.

I always, when I feel hopeless and hurt (like through the tears last night) try and remember that there is someone I haven't met yet who is going to treat me right and never make me feel the need to start a thread on Mumsnet.

The most important thing is to believe that when people treat you badly it's not about you, it's about them. So you can feel worth it and know what you deserve and wait for the person who will give it to you.

I still believe in that, after all the knocks!

The most important thing is to believe that when people treat you badly it's not about you, it's about them.

That is exactly right.
Those who have found the right person are essentially lucky.
Although, there is the possibility that for some the reality at home is not so rosy.

I know about 'expectations', they've been around since Adam and Eve. One of my DH's friends wouldn't date a perfectly lovely woman (she would have been perfect for him) because she wouldn't sleep with him. Just because a man expects something that doesn't mean they should always get it. And even if they're 'nice men' in every other respect why should you sleep with them if you really don't want to just to keep them? And what would it bode for the future if you have a man who pouts and/or leaves if they don't get their way?

I put a lot of the problem down to my generation, unfortunately. The 1970s disco-dancing, one night stand, party til you drop generation. I can't count the number of men back then who moved on to the next when they realized that my accepting a dance with them did not equal them coming home with me! But even with that culture, back in 'my day' most men still wanted to eventually settle down and marry so they were looking for a mate through all the mad shagging. Now I think most men (and some women) don't want to marry at all. And how hard it must be to sort the 'wheat from the chaff' for those who are looking for a life partner!

Just as the tide turned from the 'no sex until marriage' of my parent's generation to the 'free love and sex' of my generation, so now the tide needs to turn again back again, not to 'no sex' but to 'no sex until we're both ready'. I tried (and hopefully succeeded) in raising my sons to believe that.

OP, and the others in this thread, you are all lovely and deserving of respect AND the right to determine what you want to do with your own bodies. If you want to shag away, that's fine. But if you want to keep yourself to yourself until you are sure of a man's respect for you as a person, you should be able to do that, too. And any man who doesn't let you do that isn't worth your time.

Keep looking, there are still good 'uns out there.

Brokenhearted, I went through my self esteem being in the utter gutter after DH cheated on me and I found out in the worst way and for ages I attracted absolute bastards because I felt shit about myself.

I do believe we tell other people what we are worth and they take our lead.

If you can start to believe in yourself again, I think you will attract someone better.

I helped myself in that time by doing things to make me feel good about "me". And that was little stuff like pampering myself phsyically with baths and lots of sleep. Taking time to see friends. Creating boundaries with anyone who was not treating me right.

I started to slowly see myself as a little girl of 8 or 9 in my head and when someone attacked or was mean or bullied or hurt me I began to start to protect that little girl.

Another thing I did to help with "men" is to read all the trashy books. "the Rules", "How to Date a Man" and all that crap. It is sooo awful to read and so unfair on many (good) men in so many ways but it does help you develop a bit of a more demanding attitude.

At the end of the day picking someone to be in a relationship is like picking someone out of the 7 billion to be with and share with and you deserve to have someone who make you feel amazing all the time. If not...why bother?

I have blips..like yesterday when I did genuinely believe this guy was for real and got shat on, but I won;t let him beat me down or take away my love for myself because I am a good person who doesn't do bad things.

The trouble is a few people treat you badly and your standards drp subconsciously. You have to fight them back up again! Find the fight in you to protect YOU. If you don't love you...no one else will.

Ive come to believe my knight in shining armour is actually myself, and sometimes when you have lost everything and been betrayed and beaten down so many times you have to find that faith in yourself all alone.

xxxx