"I'm not bringing your Grand-Daughter to see you because you smoke in your house"

[harveybristol]

This is the response I've just given my mum. My daughter has never ever been to my mum's house to visit and she's almost 2!
My Mum moved 100 miles away to live with her partner whilst I was pregnant and his sickly father lives with them. We have never been to visit them because they all smoke in the house and I definitely don't want my Daughter in a smoke filled environment.

After almost 2 years, we are finally planning to visit for the first time at the weekend, but we are staying in a hotel close by. My mum has asked us to visit the house and assures me that "nobody will smoke around her whilst she's there" however they will have been smoking in the house prior to our visit.

I've told my mum we won't be going to the house regardless because the smoke and cigarette smell wont have gone completely. Am I over-reacting? How long does it take for a room to be 'smoke free' after people have been smoking in there? My Daughter has a cough and cold so I don't want to take any risks.

My mum's partner's father is a chain smoker and Mum tells me she's not comfortable in telling him not to smoke in the house before we arrive. When I replied that we wouldnt be visiting the house then, she turned very indifferent on the phone and said that she had to go. Am I being unreasonable?

YANBU. Your child, your choice.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but you also must take into account that the clothes your mum and her partner wear will also be smoke contaminated as will their fingers .( If they intend holding your dd) I guess it depends how far you want to take levels of protection .

An elderly relative of mine chain smokes in her house. I absolutely detest visiting, from the moment I enter the house till I can leave I feel that I can't breathe properly or I'll be inhaling the disgusting fug that surrounds me.

My hair and clothes stink afterwards. There's no way on earth I'd take a child into that atmosphere.

Unfortunately I don't think smokers realise how disgusting the smell is to non smokers let alone think about the health implications. I think you're doing the right thing by meeting them away from their house. You'll still have to accept the fact they'll have smoke in their clothes etc as pp mentioned but she's 2 now so try not to worry.

YANBU. As a pp has said, your child, your choice.

Reminds me of my mum, she smokes but I wouldn't go round for different reasons. She wouldn't put the heating on! She'd sit in winter, freezing cold. Took my baby (now 2yo) round and he was shivering!! I said I won't be bringing him round unless she puts the heating on before hand, her answer? You won't be coming round than? She's a Scrooge

I don't allow my daughter in MIL's house either for this very reason. She can meet up with us elsewhere, but I'm not willing to have her puffing all over my DD. I'm a smoker myself but have never smoked in the house, car or around DD. Im not going to let others do it! Definitely NBU.

Of course YABU and fanatically illogical. OK so the house has an unpleasant smell. So does a farm. An hours non airborne exposure is going to cause zero damage to your DD. she will encounter more pollutants on the journey there. BTW I am a life long non smoker.

I still wouldnt go to the house because it will still absolutely stink and when you leave, your clothes, hair, jacket, fingers will all stink.

When my eldest was born and I was 19 and visited my inlaws and mum they smoked. Only in the kitchen! My inlaws used loads of air freshers so it didn't actually smell too bad when sitting in the conservatory. My mum didn't and it stank even in another room. Then i had my second child and my husband asked them to smoke at the back door when we came.

When I fell pregnant with my third I was 27 and a bit more confident and felt strong enough to say i wouldn't be taking him anywhere where people smoked in their houses at all. So they stopped smoking before he was born and my mum stopped too although she uses one of the vapour ones. I wish id just said years ago with the girls and they'd of probably stopped ages ago which would be better for them health wise as they all smoked at least 30 a day.

YANBU. I had this argument with my ex's mum (DS's grandma). Except he was a newborn, and she smoked around him whenever we went out. (I was too scared to tell her to fuck off!)

I don't blame you.
I wouldn't go to anyone's house if they smoked.

I think it is a huge shame that you are going to be jeopardising the relationship with grandparents over a bit of smoke. My DM is a rabid non-smoker, but still allowed us to visit my grandparents house where my Grandad chain smoked, it was also 100+ miles away, so only a couple of times a year. I had a very close relationship with my grandparents and extended family as a result, times in that house are some of my happiest menories. I came to no harm whatsoever and am very grateful that my mum was able to put aside her fear of smoke to enable that to happen. No way would staying in a hotel nearby have been the same.

Seeing her out of the house sounds like the best compromise, but is she not up for that? Does the elderly relative want to meet your dd?

I feel a bit torn on this. I detest cigarette smoke, I really do and will do almost anything to avoid it, but when it comes down to upsetting a very old member of the family I'm not sure what I would do.

Are you close to the elderly relative? Does it matter to you if they see your dd?

If your Mum is generally a nice person I think you would be hurting your dd by not allowing her to form a relationship with her GM because the house has had smoke in it. I agree with not letting anyone smoke in the same room, and maybe airing out the room before she come in. However the small amount of chemicals left in the room and on clothes would not be enough to harm a two year old on a shortish visit.

YANBU - would not have allowed my child in a house where everyone smokes indoors.
And.... I'm a smoker!

Madness.

I can only imagine that you don't actually like your mother very much. I am sure that is how she is reading it too.

I have an idea - why not get one of those big inflatable balls you could put your daughter inside - that way she would be sealed away from any pollutants. Actually - you could keep her in it ALWAYS! Then she will be really safe from, oh , coughs and colds and other dangerous infections too.

I do understand the desire to protect your daughter's health, but oh my, you really are taking it rather to extremes.

As someone whose DM gave up smoking after 40 years when I was pg with DD1, to avoid this very situation, YANBU. Wouldn't have brought DD to her house and she knew it.

Oh ffs calm down. And what DrMorbius said.

I'm with you op, I hate my DCs smelling of smoke after they see my dm, and that's when we are not even near Dms house.

I don't think it's mad at all. Smokers houses are thick with contaminants and I certainly wouldn't want my child spending time in that environment if it could be avoided. I too would be organising a meeting outside of the house.

Thanks for your responses.
My decision is tainted by memories of growing up in my Mum and Dad's smoke filled house: the smell of it on my clothes and in my hair, the teachers who accused me of smoking because I stunk of it through bring in my parents house, my allergies which would flare up with the slightest sniff of smoke and the constant coughs and colds my brother and I had. It was dreadful growing up and Mum didn't respond to our complaints. My worry is my Mum's lacking desire to ensure the house is infact smoke free when we arrive. She genuinely doesn't see why cigarette smoke is such an issue- explains why we grew up suffocating in the stuff!

Believe it or not, I became a smoker myself! I'm now an ex-smoker and allergy free!

I'm a smoker, never EVER in my or any other persons house though. I banish myself to the end of the garden. My mum smoked in the house and when I was pregnant with DS she instantly stopped smoking in the house and smoked outside. I was recently at a school stay safe trip and the smoking people (not on fire, just from the NHS warning about smoking) said that the toxins and chemicals and carcinogens permeate walls, fabrics etc. and can still be harmful to people.
My mum has just recently stopped smoking completely very very proud and I'm getting there slowly! So no YANBU

Yanbu, it's disgusting and we dont know the full health implications of second and third hand smoke.

Imagine dd lying on the floor playing on a carpet that has soaked up years worth of smoke and poisons. Just yuck.

I don't see the harm in staying in a hotel and meeting elsewhere.

I do understand where you're coming from OP. We're non-smokers and one of my OH's grandmothers smokes like a chimney and her house always reeks of smoke. We haven't actually visited since my BFP and I'm now 23 weeks (we are going to visit this weekend for the first time). We know that if we ring ahead and say we're coming she'll open the door and won't smoke, but it has still put us off.

We will probably visit for short periods when the baby is born, but will try to get her round ours as much as possible. I don't like the thought of the baby breathing it in, but quite honestly just for short periods every so often I doubt that on balance it will do any real harm. I still don't like it though!

My parents smoke. We don't. They do not smoke in the house when my son is there and often will go in the garden anyway when he isnt. Sometimes I get the odd whiff of smoke when I go in their house but less so now that my son is here. He spends 3 days a week there in the week for childcare and we visit at weekends too.

I would expect a smoker to refrain if a visitor is coming, especially a young child, but also, you must understand it is their home. If I pop in unplanned they may have had a smoke in the house and in which case, we will sit in the garden if the weather is good.

It's definitely a tricky one but I think both parties would need to meet in the middle on this one.