"I'm not bringing your Grand-Daughter to see you because you smoke in your house"

[harveybristol]

This is the response I've just given my mum. My daughter has never ever been to my mum's house to visit and she's almost 2!
My Mum moved 100 miles away to live with her partner whilst I was pregnant and his sickly father lives with them. We have never been to visit them because they all smoke in the house and I definitely don't want my Daughter in a smoke filled environment.

After almost 2 years, we are finally planning to visit for the first time at the weekend, but we are staying in a hotel close by. My mum has asked us to visit the house and assures me that "nobody will smoke around her whilst she's there" however they will have been smoking in the house prior to our visit.

I've told my mum we won't be going to the house regardless because the smoke and cigarette smell wont have gone completely. Am I over-reacting? How long does it take for a room to be 'smoke free' after people have been smoking in there? My Daughter has a cough and cold so I don't want to take any risks.

My mum's partner's father is a chain smoker and Mum tells me she's not comfortable in telling him not to smoke in the house before we arrive. When I replied that we wouldnt be visiting the house then, she turned very indifferent on the phone and said that she had to go. Am I being unreasonable?

Meet them at another place, the guidelines are that smokers shouldn't even hold a newborn baby unless they've taken the too later of clothing off if they've been smoking outside for example. The elderly relative is not someone you've met before so it's ok if he doesn't want to leave the house to meet you

I think you're being a bit precious not even visiting the house. I can understand not wanting to stay there, but going round for a couple of hours when nobody is smoking inside isn't going to hurt your child!

YABU. Totally reasonable to refuse to stay there if they're going to be smoking, but visiting for an hour while they're not smoking won't do much harm (barring something you haven't mentioned, asthma etc). I'm as anti smoking as you'll get, plus asthmatic and smoking will always set me off. But, my ILs smoke (not in their house) and I love them and their feelings matter to me. So, I would be willing to compromise in this situation.

Again, assuming no asthma etc so sitting in a smoker's house for an hour won't actually make your daughter ill.

You are right. Meet your mum elsewhere.

As long as no one smokes near the baby a short visit will not be a problem beyond the aesthetics of the smell.
I have never smoked and hate the smell but I loved my mum very much. I was brought up by smokers but have hated the habit all my life. My children visited, were held by and much loved by smokers. There is no harm when it is just a visit. It just comes down to whether a sterile environment is more important to you than a grandmother's love.

YANBU. Apart from the health implications of 3rd hand smoke, it is disgusting. You, your hair, your clothes and your belongings will come out stinking of smoke.

You can easily arrange to meet elsewhere. And, yes, whilst they will still have smoke on their hands (they can be asked to wash them first), hair and clothes, the environment will be smoke free. Any health risks will be reduced, and it will just be far more pleasant.

Yes, there are other risks in life. Pollution, etc. However, this is an avoidable risk that can be managed. Just because there are other risks that are harder to manage or impossible to avoid, doesn't mean that efforts should not be made to avoid those risks where you do have more choice and control over the situation.

YANBU. I wouldn't force anyone to be in a house that stank of smoke, nevermind a 2 year old.

What DrMoribus said.

Your baby's grandmother will not be around forever. Think about that.

This level of exposure is not a health risk.

I can see how it could be very difficult for your mum to insist her partner's unwell father doesn't smoke prior to your arrival. Whose house is it? Did she move in with the partner and his dad? That would make it even more difficult.

As AsTimeGoesBy says, staying in a hotel nearby won't be the same but if that's the only way you can bring yourself to let your DD get to know her gran then it's better than nothing.

Your baby's grandmother will not be around forever. Think about that.

^^ this.

I can't see anyone coming to much harm in a one-off visit.

Whilst I can see that it's very unpleasant to be in a house that stinks (of whatever, in this case it happens to be cigarettes), you're being precious.

I think your DM and the others that live there are being very fair and considerate by agreeing not to smoke indoors whilst your DD is there but you can't seriously expect to have a say about their behaviour before you get there so that the house smells how you would like it to when you arrive (?!)

Others are saying your child your rules but for your DM, her house her rules.

Your baby's grandmother will not be around forever. Think about that

And if she was a thoughtful and considerate grandmother, she would acknowledge the reason why the baby shouldn't be brought into a smoky house and respect her daughter's wishes.

Some pollutants you can't avoid, this one can be easily avoided. There's no way I would take a baby to a smoker's house.

I think some give and take is needed.

If the smokers cannot smoke outside for the few hours you are visiting it shows a complete disregard for your feelings, regardless of whether they think you're right or not.

But if they are willing to go outside and to air the house then I honestly think a couple of hours here and there won't do any long term harm.

Both my parents smoked. When my Mum was alive and they lived in the family home they'd go outside to smoke when we were there, though I knew Dad smoked inside the rest of the time.

When Mum died and Dad moved to a smaller house he smoked inside all the time and it stank, but he didn't smoke around us or the children when we were visiting. The risks and dislike of the smoke was less important than my need to visit my Dad with the children.

They got hooked before we knew how bad smoking was (sure they knew it wasn't good, but who are we to judge) so I tried to be understanding.

My youngest son was only 3 when his granddad died (and has no memory of his Nanny) so I treasure those times.

I grew up in a house with a mother who smoked, and I hated the smoke, the smell, and the way it made me feel, but I loved and adored my mother, in spite of all her problems, (of which smoking was only one).

I couldn't begin to imagine keeping my children away from her, though I did make her go outside to smoke when she visited us (for months at a time). An occasional whiff of smoke is not going to hurt your child unless he is very vulnerable. Diesel fumes in London kill as many people as smoking does (not second hand smoke, but actually smoking) so maybe watch out for car and bus fumes.

If your child grows up to have a bond with your mum maybe you will have the powerful argument that we had when it came time to convince our teens not to smoke: both their beloved grandmas were killed by the effects of smoking.

No your not I wouldn't have My child around smoke neither

YABU.The odd visit wouldn't kill any of you. It's all down to how you feel about your mum and her partner,obviously.

I understand and like smithy, I have the odd one at the bottom of garden. I'd never do it inside. However, I recall growing up when we used to go and visit an elderly aunt who smoked like a chimney. However, we still went there. Many more people did smoke back then (in hospitals, shops, offices etc)
There is a hell of a lot more asthma and allergies around today than back then.
It might be unpleasant but it won't kill her being there an hour or so.
Relationships are more important in this case IMO.
At my daughters school, most of the teachers and assistants smoke. I can't change that and I know my kids will be exposed to many different things growing up in London. (I hate swearing for example and kids saying 'omg') All I can do is teach my kids what I feel is right in the circumstances, even if that means exposing them to the opposite.

no-one will get ill from short exposure; but who wants to be in a place that stinks like that? Might as well have a playdate in a sewage farm. Air fresheners just add extra stink.

she can't get the place smoke free unless they give up and redecorate it, throwing out all the soft furnishings. They aren't going to do that.

meet elsewhere. Tell them that what they do in their house is their business, but you can't stand the stink. This may not go down well but the truth hurts.

Like you I grew up in a smoke filled house, was accused of being a smoker myself (I never have), coughs, colds, ear infections (can't prove the link but I have been far less prone since I left home!). I remember begging my mum not to smoke in my bedroom. She would say ok but then forget. I'm still accused of having a 'sensitive nose' by her.

She stinks all the time and even a few minutes in her house and we do too!

I nervously told her about the new guidelines regarding cot death when our third baby was born a few months ago. As expected, she was all offended and has hardly bothered with him (even though she is very close to my older two). And this is a woman with severe COPD due to 50 years of smoking and who can hardly catch her breath half the time. Smoking has caused her so much grief in terms of her health (told she will die very soon unless she stops) and finances (she has no money at all) but she loves it more than anything. I try desperately to understand but it hurts so much that she can't see what she's doing - or doesn't want to. The addiction and habit are so strong.

You are not unreasonable because it's about so much more than the health risks.

A bit of give and take is needed - on both sides.

Of course being in a house where people smoke is horrible (and I say that as a smoker myself). It genuinely does stink, I can't imagine how we used to do it inside all the time. It's not unfair to ask them not to smoke in the house while children are around, and to try and air the house beforehand.

However I wouldn't put all of that above potentially damaging or limiting a relationship between grandchildren and grandparents.

Our children's grandfather smokes god-awful rollups and the house stinks. It's also dirty. We have to shower, all of us, every time we get home ... it's just yuk.

But unless a grandparent is a toxic person, I think it's good to foster some relationship with them even if they're not close.

We tend to go more in summer when we can sit in the garden. Might that work for you?

Unless there's reason to suspect allergies or asthma then going two or three or four times a year is ok I think. If there are asthma or health concerns, then no, you have to put the baby first.

Hmm, I think YANBU to decide this if you want, because if it will cause you great anxiety/unease then that's no fun for anyone.

But I agree with others that that the level of harm caused by this sort of exposure will be negligable.

Hope you and your DM manage to come to an arrangement.

YABVU

No Yanbu.

It's difficult as it's your mum and it's sad you can't visit the house.

But it is ridiculous to take a defenceless toddler into a room full of carcinogenic chemicals. If they smoke in there, it wouldn't matter if nobody smoked for a week, everything would be impregnated, not just fabrics but even the walls will be plastered in chemicals.

I'd say to your mum that you are sorry but it is important for toddlers not to inhale carcinogens.