Should I tell him I want more?

[littlemissloser]

I have been online dating for a while, and usually am very monogamous, but decided I was investing emotionally too soon, so chose to play things a bit more loosely and have been dating multiple men at the same time. I have felt a bit guilty, but it has helped me not to attach emotionally. I am not talking about serious relationships, but at the moment I am going on dates with and texting 4 men and txting another 3 or 4 too.

One of the men I have been dating, in fact the one I thought mostly likely to be a one night stand or short lived fling, has started to grow on me and I feel a bit confused.

He's probably the least desirable on paper. He lives a distance away. He still has a flatmate and is a bit younger than me. He works a lot of hours. He's the least handsome if I am honest and not my usual type!

We started out a year ago texting on Tinder and he asked me out quite a few times and I said "no" due to the various obstacles. I was looking for a life partner and it just seemed like a bad idea.

Over time he just grew on me though. He was persistent but a gentleman. He was kind and showed maturity. He was so consistent and honest and showed his vulnerable sides as well as a great sense of humour. We spent a bit of time together as friends, and I had a few drinks one day and we ended up in bed.

Unexpectedly this was the best sex of my life and I woke up floating on air - but he didn't phone me afterwards and seemed a bit distant. I figured it had all been a long effort to get me into bed and was quite hurt and upset so I deleted his number and thanked him for a "one off night".

I didn't expect to hear from him again, but he phoned me a week later to tell me that I'd really hurt him; that the night we had together had meant something to him and that he'd not been able to stop thinking about it. I explained I had walked away because he had gone cool towards me and he said I had completely misread it.

So we are currently "dating", but I am quite confused about it all and how he feels about me and as my feelings grow I am tempted to walk away to avoid being hurt.

It's been only a few weeks, but it's very passionate and I enjoy it, but I do feel like he sends mixed signals which makes me feel a bit sad and down sometimes and I am not sure if it's me being over sensitive.

I have aproached it from the start by telling him I am not interested in a long relationship with him due to the factors mentioned, and so he sees this as an affair or fling but says he is happy with whatever time he can have with me.

When we are together, it is amazing, and he is so sweet and romantic and lovely to me. He is so affectionate and we cuddle and watch films together and he cooks for me. He basically seems to want to bend over backwards to make me happy, and he is kind and thoughtful. He wants to know all about me and we have great talks and so much affection it feels fantastic. He makes me laugh and he is innocent in a way but also very strong and calm and makes me feel safe and we never want to leave each other. I have a bit of a busy life, and DC, so he has to fit around me quite a lot and never complains.

He invited me to meet his friends at a house party the other night, and seemed quite shy and cute in asking (I had to clariffy he was asking as he was wording it in a very shy way!) but I said I couldn't make it because I genuinely had other plans. When I am with him, his friends are texting him to ask how it's going because they know he waited a year for me and they are happy for him.

My problem is that really I am starting to fall for him, and feeling like I want to stop seeing other people but to some degree he behaves confusingly so I feel doubtful that he feels the same. The main issue being that right after we have a night together he goes very quiet. Doesn't phone. Sends brief texts. Doesn't ask what I am doing or whatever. Then he sort of escalates again into "I need to see you" and being all passionate again, which I suppose makes me feel like a booty call - although he would deny that as he says it is more than sex to him.

He says he doesn't want us to see other people, says he is scared someone else might steal me away and I have avoided the conversation because I feel like I need more from him to be exclusive and offer that commitment.

I am just not sure whether or not to invest in my growing feelings and tell him how I feel, or whether to keep it light and breezy for a few months and continue to see others and try not to read into things?

I have had two loving relationships before, and haven't experienced someone going a bit cold and quiet after sex before and I've got a feeling this means he doesn't want to get too close and sees this as a mainly sexual affair?

Bit worried. I'd sort of rather avoid!

So what was his explanation for his coolness after sex?

Maybe he is afraid of getting hurt too ?
Sounds to me like hes fallen for you also and you need to talk x

Yep, time for cards on the table without a doubt & you absolutely need to address the issue of coolness after sex, wtf is that about?

He didn't give an explanation last time.

He just said I'd really hurt him, and I was quite shocked as I thought he'd wanted it to be over. I just said I thought he hasn't wanted to continue and he said "why? It was the best night ever! You have to have a connection with someone for it to be that good" so I never really asked directly about him going quiet and just took him at his word that he wanted to be with me.

I suppose I just don't know if he wants to be a casual thing /non relationship or if he likes me as much back.

The coolness after sex is horrible :(

I think what it is, is that I don't feel as "chased" after sex.

That might just be how men are, but I suppose at the time I am most feeling closeness to him, and like I want it to continue and escalate -he pulls back and I feel a bit rejected so I pull back in turn.

As others have said, just be honest and say that to start with you didn't want anything more serious but that your feelings have changed. For all you know he's been thinking the same thing but didn't want to say anything - After all you were the one who said no to more commitment initially.

Sometimes you've just got to put yourself out there and GO FOR IT

TBH, it sounds like you're giving him mixed signals as well, so until you actually have a serious conversation, neither of you are actually going to know where you stand.

Call me cynical, but I do think the passionate/sex/cool cycle doesn't sound promising for deeper feelings. He is cool because he isn't thinking of you much, after awhile the horn hits, ooh littlemiss exists. Sorry too much old here, but sounds familiar, along with the I really like you, wanting to cook, cuddle etc.

How long is the cool off period? A couple of days I'd say is normal, if you've only been dating a few weeks. Being in someone's pocket all the time is suffocating. Does he go silent? Or is he not just as full on?

On another point, are the obstacles still obstacles? If so there's not much point taking things further.

Yes I know I give him mixed signals as well. He did ask me the other night in bed what would be required in order for me to want a relationship, so he was enquiring about it.

I do feel though that what holds me back is the sex / ignore cycle which I can't help also feeling cynical about.

I don't want communication with me to escalate with his hornyness IYSWIM so it's really what Velouria says that hold me back.

But then I think maybe I should just give him more time to get to know me before going down this road.

It has been only a few weeks and I might be jumping the gun, but despite saying I wanted FWB - I can't help being hurt by the quietness after sex.

Yes, for a couple of day he's not as full on.

the day after he is quiet low communication-wise. I maybe get the odd text to ask how I am or to say how amazing it was.

Then give it 2 - 3 days and I am getting "I can't stop thinking about you", and all that stuff.

So it is him getting horny!!!

That said, he has said he would still come to see me if it's for cuddles and time together with no sex.

It's mixed signals!!!!

The obstacles are that he lives quite far away, I have DC, and he is younger than me. Younger than I would like.

I felt adamant they were insurmountable at first, but to be honest, now I feel like I just want to be with him and dont care anymore about those things.

Have to be honest with you op, you sound like you have really fallen for him, ( read your first thread) and now you feel a bit in the wilderness because you are terrified of getting hurt, the thing about this guy is, he might be actually quite shy. If anything you are the one sending the mixed signals, what age are you both? Given all you've said about him, he sounds really lovely, if the only thing that bothers you is his perceived coolness/ lack of texting after sex, you really need to get over that one and be a bit more chilled and trust him a little bit more. You don't want it too intense all the time. Know that be might need a bit of space at certain times, its all about getting to know each other. Hope it all goes well for you.

When you say cool off, what do you mean?

Because what you've described sounds like standard communication for when you've been seeing somebody for a year - last night was amazing, how's your day going etc. Then for a few days afterwards for him to be like, "I wanna see you", that's normal.

I've been dating for 9 months. If I spend the night with him, we'll have a "thanks for a nice night" text and how's your day been. If I haven't seen him for a few days, he'll be saying he misses me or vice versa.

What youve described to me actually aounds like a standard relationship. Are you sure that your idea of what is normal isn't just skewed?

I don't think I have fallen for him yet. But I feel like I could quite easily. I hold back because it feels unsure. He is 8 years younger than me and that feels like a lot to me (him just about 28, me 36) - I will give you that w look the same age...him a little older (balding!!) and me a little younger.

With the age, I think he is actually probably the sensible type - no wild drinking and he plays golf and he owns his flat and has a very serious job. I'd ctually have no bother introducing him to my friends or family.

It's more that he hangs around with mid twenty year olds and their girlfriends and they will probably think I'm an old lady or something. I've only ever gone for older men so there was an initial ick factor for me.

I think he's much more relaxed and easygoing than me. He says I think too much (I do) and should just enjoy it. He says we can make it work, although I have no clue what that means.

Yes all it is causing the problem is the percieved lack of interest /cooling off and so as a result I am still seeing other people and have other dates planned. I feel conflicted because I don't want to "go exlusive" on someone for whom I might be a booty call only; and at the same time feel guilty for dating others.

I have a history lately of investing in people who have not invested back.

Maybe I have no idea what "normal" looks like as being honest my past "serious" relationships were both with men who were absolutely never "cool" towards me. If anything after a great night together communications would be more intense and more frequent as it created a sort of frenzy I suppose.

I am a bit worried he's sitting there thinking "best be cool so she doesn't get to into me or too attached". Don't want to feel like an idiot!

I do think my idea of normal might well be skewed.

I think really in a nurshell, I am worried about:

a) investing my heart and emotions into someone who might only see me as their wild affair with an older woman.

b) backing off from dating people who might see a real future with me for someone who doesn't.

c) looking and feeling and idiot or being rejected.

I do think he gives me mixed signals. I do think I do the same. Maybe we are both feeling uncertain due to the obstacles but I would like to feel like I was more than a shag to him.

I think this sounds like a good relationship

Ok! Maybe I am far too worried.

How is it meant to work with these things...do I tell him I am keeping options open and dating others? Don't want to hurt him or to lie.

I don't really want to date anyone else if I am honest, but just feel a bit foolish for whatever reason. Like if I tell the others I am seeing someone else, I might never hear from Mr Young again.

well i'd be honest with him. next time he asks tell him that the non-communication puts you off. it's clearly a problem as you feel like this after every encounter. no-one likes to be used. maybe he doesn't realise.

otherwise it sounds good.

Okay, I will tell him that. I can at least do that and let him know.

Jesus, if you think you like him, do not under any circumstances tell you are dating other people, that will put him right off you, you will lose him, but I do think you need to talk to him, do you think/ know he is dating others, because if he is, then its fine to say it, but if you ask him and he isn't for Gods sake don't tell him, perhaps you need to have the discussion re being exclusive, I can understand you feeling out with his younger group, but from what you've just said, 28/36, really isn't much if a gap to be honest.
I really think you should give it a chance. Try and stop worrying about things that might happen, you need to enjoy the present with him.

No, he's said outright that he isn't dating anyone else and only wants me. He just wants us to have each other for as long as he can / we can and see what happens.

I think the complication is that before we started off, we discussed it and he asked me why I could not just go with the flow and see what happenned for a few months with a younger man and my main objection with that was wasting time on something with no future. He said then, that it was fine for me to date other people too and he would stand aside if I met someone else I felt more of a future with.

In bed the other night he contradicted that by saying the thought of me dating someone else makes him feel sick; so it's complicated. More and more contradictions as we go along.

I did just check it ou to measure the extent of it, and the cooling off isn't in my head. 50+ texts from morning to night on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday that were sweet, romantic, thoughtful. We slept together Monday night and I got 4 texts on Monday, ll very "I'm a bit tired" in nature, and 3 today, asking how I was and saying he was still tired. So it's a noticable cooling.

Also, more worryingly...we had plans for a date Friday night and one of his 4 texts yesterday was to tell me he couldn't make it as he'd just remembered he had a party for a colleagues retirement. He said he was sorry but did not ask to reschedule.

So the quietness, combined with the cancelling of a date without suggesting an altrenative is quite worrying from my end and such a contrast to the man who "had to" see me desperately 48 hours ago.

I know I have monkeyed him about a fair bit, I cancelled plans on Friday night due to DC being sick and he was gutted, but it seems a bit hot and cold to me.

I know I overthink!

That's probably why keeping my options open is a good idea.

I want to be a bit more blase about it.