Should I tell him I want more?

[littlemissloser]

I have been online dating for a while, and usually am very monogamous, but decided I was investing emotionally too soon, so chose to play things a bit more loosely and have been dating multiple men at the same time. I have felt a bit guilty, but it has helped me not to attach emotionally. I am not talking about serious relationships, but at the moment I am going on dates with and texting 4 men and txting another 3 or 4 too.

One of the men I have been dating, in fact the one I thought mostly likely to be a one night stand or short lived fling, has started to grow on me and I feel a bit confused.

He's probably the least desirable on paper. He lives a distance away. He still has a flatmate and is a bit younger than me. He works a lot of hours. He's the least handsome if I am honest and not my usual type!

We started out a year ago texting on Tinder and he asked me out quite a few times and I said "no" due to the various obstacles. I was looking for a life partner and it just seemed like a bad idea.

Over time he just grew on me though. He was persistent but a gentleman. He was kind and showed maturity. He was so consistent and honest and showed his vulnerable sides as well as a great sense of humour. We spent a bit of time together as friends, and I had a few drinks one day and we ended up in bed.

Unexpectedly this was the best sex of my life and I woke up floating on air - but he didn't phone me afterwards and seemed a bit distant. I figured it had all been a long effort to get me into bed and was quite hurt and upset so I deleted his number and thanked him for a "one off night".

I didn't expect to hear from him again, but he phoned me a week later to tell me that I'd really hurt him; that the night we had together had meant something to him and that he'd not been able to stop thinking about it. I explained I had walked away because he had gone cool towards me and he said I had completely misread it.

So we are currently "dating", but I am quite confused about it all and how he feels about me and as my feelings grow I am tempted to walk away to avoid being hurt.

It's been only a few weeks, but it's very passionate and I enjoy it, but I do feel like he sends mixed signals which makes me feel a bit sad and down sometimes and I am not sure if it's me being over sensitive.

I have aproached it from the start by telling him I am not interested in a long relationship with him due to the factors mentioned, and so he sees this as an affair or fling but says he is happy with whatever time he can have with me.

When we are together, it is amazing, and he is so sweet and romantic and lovely to me. He is so affectionate and we cuddle and watch films together and he cooks for me. He basically seems to want to bend over backwards to make me happy, and he is kind and thoughtful. He wants to know all about me and we have great talks and so much affection it feels fantastic. He makes me laugh and he is innocent in a way but also very strong and calm and makes me feel safe and we never want to leave each other. I have a bit of a busy life, and DC, so he has to fit around me quite a lot and never complains.

He invited me to meet his friends at a house party the other night, and seemed quite shy and cute in asking (I had to clariffy he was asking as he was wording it in a very shy way!) but I said I couldn't make it because I genuinely had other plans. When I am with him, his friends are texting him to ask how it's going because they know he waited a year for me and they are happy for him.

My problem is that really I am starting to fall for him, and feeling like I want to stop seeing other people but to some degree he behaves confusingly so I feel doubtful that he feels the same. The main issue being that right after we have a night together he goes very quiet. Doesn't phone. Sends brief texts. Doesn't ask what I am doing or whatever. Then he sort of escalates again into "I need to see you" and being all passionate again, which I suppose makes me feel like a booty call - although he would deny that as he says it is more than sex to him.

He says he doesn't want us to see other people, says he is scared someone else might steal me away and I have avoided the conversation because I feel like I need more from him to be exclusive and offer that commitment.

I am just not sure whether or not to invest in my growing feelings and tell him how I feel, or whether to keep it light and breezy for a few months and continue to see others and try not to read into things?

I have had two loving relationships before, and haven't experienced someone going a bit cold and quiet after sex before and I've got a feeling this means he doesn't want to get too close and sees this as a mainly sexual affair?

Ex husband!

How does anyone get any work done (or anything else) if they are texting all day?

I think if you put into context that a text conversation often consists of one or two words that takes a few seconds it's only 1-2 hours a day even at the Peak. A 20-30 text short chat is usually around 5 minutes.

It's not sitting there enslaved or anything.

To get honest I actually work alone from home and keep whatsapp open on my laptop as the desktop version and get hundreds of texts from various people each day....it's not that much different from chatting a few words with colleagues sitting next to you. I find it easy to work and chat at the same time, and if it's a high concentration taste I'm working on them I just close off my texts until I am finished.

As I work from home and have international clients in a creativr industry where we exchange pictures a lot, I actually use whatsapp to chat with colleagues and clients. It's better than email for certain things.

I also hate talking on the phone. Everyone is different.

I think the point was really that there's a significant change after sex...which I guess tells me all I need to know.

Well, I think you're misjudging the situation a little from what you've written. However, you're the one there and perhaps you're picking up on things you've not been able to put in to words, or that I haven't properly understood.

You've decided to finish it then?

I don't really know Red Maple. I'm just cracking on at the moment and see what happens but I think if FWB makes me feel bad then FWB isn't for me.

I'm not upset anymore or angry or anything. Maybe just different wants and expectations

I think that it's useful sometimes to use labels such as different rather than value judgements such as good or bad.

Yes. He's different after sex.

So presumably the reason is either trying to maintain distance or being "sated" temporarily and therefore not interested in me as much.

Slim chance I suppose he feels the same as me

Truth being the FWB with an older woman is probably exactly what he wants and what I thought I wanted too so it's me who's probably in the wrong expecting things

I don't like texting or talking on the phone. I might be a miserable misanthrope actually.

Ha ha. I don't like watching TV. I suppose it's all a mindless substitute for life

Srsly tho, if he's different after sex, that does mean something.

Yes I agree :(

I think anyway any situation which feels bad isn't a good situation

Hey all. I just wanted a bit of advice as I am ballsing this situation up and don't really know what to do.

As I said, he blew cold on me so I ignored him and stopped answering his messages and giving one word answers. He sent me a nice message saying he wished he was with me instead of at work but then was still quite quiet.

I just then sort of blew up and sent him a message that was really angry and he replied that he didn't understand why I was upset because he'd just been really busy at work (true he had) and that he liked me and wanted to see me again and I just carried on really.

On the one hand he is being a bit colder to me, but he could well just be busier and also could well just be fullfilling the "friends with benefits" arrangement that I told him I wanted.

After I blew up at him he still wants to see me, and he has sent me the odd text, with kisses and whatever but I've definitely pushed him away.

I made date with someone else for Teusday and someone else for tonight :(

I have no bloody idea what I am doing. I am behaving like a child.

I really, really like this guy. Over the last few months I think I have probably fallen for him but genuinely a relationship will be difficult but he's the first person I can remember feeling this way for in a long time.

I've pushed him away and behaved like a total idiot and I am also seeing other people and generally being a complete fool.

I don't know what to do at all.

In my position, if you knew you liked someone this way and were in my situation would you:

a) Stop seeing them completely because you were risking your heart on someone who was saying they only wanted a casual relationship.

b) Carry on seeing him, but see others as well and try and keep it light and stop being such a fool.

c) Carry on seeing him, stop seeing all the others and work at trying to get to a point where he develops feeling too?

I don't know what to do. I know there is a chance he might well feel the same. I have pushed him away and changed my mind back and forth on him so many times and I know he was badly hurt in the past and wants me to just enjoy it and stop thinkign so much but I am scared of being hurt!

I think you need to clarify exactly what it is you want from him and how you want to move things forward - actions not words.

Are you after more time together/if you had a future would it consist of moving in together and if so what about the accommodation/children situation?

Do you do practical non-shagging things together?

Do your dates consist of more than being at yours and watching a movie and then sex? Who pays/contributes for any dating costs?

You mentioned he has a flatmate, does that mean that you always host?

Could you call on him in a crisis? That's what I'd be looking at, not "number of texts".

If it doesn't look too good, I actually think that it would not be a good idea to start dating again in the middle of this, you would need time to get over this complicated situation.

Yes, I always host but he's asked me to meet his flatmate and friends and I felt too weird. He's also invited me to his place, Ive never gone though.

I would DEFINITELY call him in a crisis. He's the only person I would want to speak to and I know he'd always be there for me. He makes me feel cared for.

We don't do non-shagging things but that's been me who has refused that. He's oferred to take me to Ikea and build my flat pack furniture and stuff. He's a gentleman...a nice guy and for months and months I have blown him off.

It just feels since we started sleeping together the tables have turned, I have had these feelings and it's panicked me and I've started behaving like an idiot!

For now, given that I also have an incredibly busy life, what I really want from him is just to continue seeing each other once or twice a week - so I am not asking for more time because I haven't got it myself to give anyway.

I would like to take back my decline of the offer to meet his friends, and would like to try that and for him to meet mine too and start going out like a couple and do things together. He's asked...I always said no!

I would like consistency from him in between dates...so he calls and texts as much as always or if he doesn't that he drops me one text to just say he is thinking of me so I don't panic.

What I really want, is to know he likes me as much as I like him because the fear that he doesn't is making me behave like I don't like him.

thanks so much chicken for the reply!!! I am due to meet another guy for a drink after the rugby and am really close to tears because I am just not behaving like a well put together adult.

He has asked me today to stop making it more complicated than it needs to be, and stop overthinking and he has said he did not realise him not texting me as much would have any effect on me at all and he said he was sorry and was comforting and sweet.

He is definitely pulled away though...unsuprisingly as I have acted mad. Kisses are gone off his messages :(

I've no idea what to do.

I know I have to start acting cool again to pull this one back

can't you just be you? if you feel like going, go? i agree i think you're overthinking everything.

i get you are scared of getting hurt. but that risk is always there no matter what you do. are you going to go through life shutting down lovely opportunities because you don't know what the future holds?

you obviously really like this guy. just explore it! who knows what'll happen tomorrow. your chance is today.

Okay. I am just going to try my best and keep my crazy insecurity to myself.

I really am just scared, that's all.

In your shoes, i'd like to think i'd step right back from this. You're obsessing, over thinking and thinking of your next move.
I've had partners that did the hot and cold thing and it brought out the worst in me. I never felt like i could ever just relax and enjoy it, never felt like i knew where i stood and instead of enjoying falling in love, i was thinking about how to behave, not being myself. It was exhausting. Something in this situation with him in pushing the wrong buttons in you. It'll drive you mad.

I think the relationship sounds good but i am an extrovert who still likes time alone...

Ah I've circled the delights of internet dating sites for two years now and have met my share of men who were too keen on me, men who only wanted me for one thing and then disappeared and men who were keen to do the whole relationshippy thing. Surprisingly enough they were in the minority, it was the middle group there that I've come across the most. Men eh?

And I've over analysed the number of 'xxx' in text messages. One man used them a lot and I got super excited by it then I realised he used it like some people use punctuation. A male friend of mine once sent a text message to his boss and accidentally ended it with xx because he was on automatic pilot and ended all texts to his wife in the same way. He was somewhat embarrassed.

Men don't overthink such things. The number of xxx in a text message don't mean anything to them. They don't notice if they've only put two instead of the usual four. He's told you not to overcomplicate things and immediately you start scanning his texts for clues like that? Sounds like you've overcomplicated that a lot too.

I've also exchanged hundreds of texts on a daily basis with the man I thought was the love of my life (turned out to be a complete coward). I'm a superfast typer on the phone and he learned to be too. I used to love waking up, checking my phone and seeing that he had sent me a 'morning, hows you?' text as he was always up really early. Even the mundane texts of 'oh my cheese sandwich I had at lunchtime was horrible' that we used to exchange were good.

28 to your 36 is not a big deal. Who cares? He doesn't. He is willing to date you and he knows your age. He sounds like a nice man.

We all have our 'types' which are either based on history of who we have dated before and liked, or the type of person that we think we would like to date. We then amaze ourselves by coming across someone that isn't that type and we think 'they're nice, but they're not my type'. None of us are perfect human beings (how boring if we were). The trick in life is to find someone that knows your imperfections but loves you despite of them. Or even loves those imperfections about you.

You don't have to act cool to pull this one back. You have to act honest. The hardest thing about new relationships is saying this is me, stripped back and honest. I'm not a perfect human being. Sometimes I get insecure. Sometimes I get distant. But I'd like to have a relationship with you. None of knows what the future holds. He doesn't seem like a loser, he doesn't treat you badly. Why shouldn't you see where the relationship goes?

Don't get me wrong. The 'are we exclusive' conversation is a tough one to have.

I think enough people have told you on here, the reason why he gets distant after he has slept with you is because he has deep feelings for you, but knows that you are seeing other people. So he acts distant to protect himself. He told you he was fine about you seeing other people because he knew that's what you wanted. He doesn't really want it. he wants you to be exclusive with him.

Come on, the signs are all there! Wants you to meet his friends, offers to build flat pack furniture for you. I'd marry a man just for that last point alone.

Good luck :-)

And a final point.

You need to have that honest conversation and say 'I don't like it when you do this. It makes me feel....'

He knows he's doing it but he is afraid of getting hurt too. He just doesn't overthink things too much and doesn't say it to you....

I started reading this thread thinking there could be a future together for these two, sweet. Ahhh...

Then I saw the bit about 200+ texts per day, and I'm like, whoooa, thats crazy, talk about a sign to stay away. No wait a minute, its more, it's 200 to 600 per day!!! WTF? That is not normal, nowhere near normal. No.Where.Near.

Then I saw that OP exported them to Exel.... wtf? That isn't normal either. Who does that?

Then I saw that when this fella cools off after after a shag, he only texts 3-10 times per day. Erm, 10 texts per day isn't cooling off.

I honestly think that neither of them are right for each other. The sms thing is a sign of some deeper incompatibility. Good luck op, but walk away from this one.