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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't deal with my partners mh problems anymore

54 replies

Leakytap · 20/09/2015 23:02

I feel like such an awful human being and I don't think I'm even looking for advice just the catharsis of talking about it.

My partner suffers from severe depression, he is currently in a very bad place, has been signed off work, is on large doses of antidepressants and is in regular contact with medical professionals.

We've been together a few years and (for me) the relationship has not been good for a while (over 6 months) and now whilst he's going through the worst of his depression I can't deal with it anymore.

I've just had to come to bed because he started self harming in the living room.

I'm doing the best making sure he has medical help and people around to talk to, I am honestly worried he is going to try and end his own life at some point and if I were to leave I don't know how he will react/cope.

I feel as though I'm drowning. I don't have anyone to talk to; all of our friends are mutual and so I don't feel able to tell them about the relationship, my family are going through an awful patch and I've just found out my mum is an alcoholic and I've just started a new job so everything is a blur.

I just want to be happy and I'm not. I want him to be happy but am terrified that firstly by not leaving before the depression has got bad I've made it worse, and now feeling like I'm trapped and people will think I'm an awful human being leaving someone having a crisis.

Sorry for the sadness. I wish life was easier sometimes.

OP posts:
Autumnnights1 · 20/09/2015 23:07

What a truly awful situation to be in. You cannot make him happy no matter how you try. His pain is his, it doesnt belong to you, neither does all the other stuff, ie your family. YOU are not responsible for him or them.

I personally run a mile from "damage" and I truly hope you do to.

Original poster
Leakytap · 20/09/2015 23:12

I'd love to run away autumn but right now I don't know which is going to ruin me first, dealing with life as it is or starting again with nothing.

OP posts:
Tiptops · 20/09/2015 23:21

Although I wouldn't be as callous to call someone with MH issues 'damage' Hmm you must act in your own best interests Leaky

This situation sounds very unhealthy for you, and there is no shame in looking after yourself in a situation that no longer makes you happy.

I can't speak for your partner, but when I have been suffering from depression I have felt immensely guilty about being looked after by loved ones. I absolutely would not want any of them to help me out of some sort of moral duty. If it was too upsetting or too much for any of them, I would want them to look after themselves. Your partner may also rather end the relationship than feel they are a burden on you.

Sorry you're in such a difficult situation Flowers

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/09/2015 23:22

You won't be starting again with nothing. You'll have yourself and you'll be free. You cannot shackle yourself to someone who is not the same person you first got into a relationship with, and someone who you don't know will ever be well again. Meanwhile you're in a limbo of the very worst kind.

I wouldn't judge you for leaving, and anyone who does has obviously never walked in your shoes. Being the partner of someone with serious MH issues is a very special kind of hell.

cozietoesie · 20/09/2015 23:25

Awful situation for you, Leaky.

Have you contacted Mind at all? I think they have a section on their website - and specific support services - for carers of people with mental health issues.

cestlavielife · 20/09/2015 23:28

Tell his medical team you leaving and let them deal with the outcome.
If he is bad now with you there it won't make much difference if you go. You didn't cause his mh issues and you can't cure them either.
Call nhs and tell them he is self harming. Is it dangerous self harm ? Does he need medical attention? You can call 999 have paramedics assess him. ..

Autumnnights1 · 20/09/2015 23:33

I totally apologise for using the word "damage" there tiptops by the way.

I personally wouldnt enter into a relationship with someone that has MH issues. If it happens in a long term loving relationship then that's different due to having many happy times to fall back on. A "few" years (meaning two or three) isnt long enough, for me anyway, for all this.

You cannot fix people. You are also allowed to walk away.

Original poster
Leakytap · 20/09/2015 23:38

Hi cest it's not serious and his best friend is round, the self harm for him is more about being able to have a release - sorry if that makes no sense it's really difficult to explain but I couldn't deal with him taking a razor blade to his arms tonight, it's really shaken me. His best friend who is round tonight is being amazing.

I have contacted our local crisis team twice in the last 2 weeks who have just said go to a & e, but as of yet he hadn't been in such a dangerous state that I have felt I needed to do that.

Thank you for your words tiptop

It's so hard. Each day is a nightmare for me and clearly for him. I'm so scared all the time.

OP posts:
Autumnnights1 · 20/09/2015 23:43

Leaky

I was with someone who lost the use of his lower body in an accident. He swung between being very angry then very self destructive. I rang the help-line and they advised me to get out. No-one has the right to subject another to their issues, they belong to them. You are not responsible for this and if you dont want to cope then dont.

cestlavielife · 20/09/2015 23:50

What are you scared of ?

Yeh when my exp was self harming crisis team weren't that bothered... I don't think it s fair to have to witness it tho.

He has best friend to look out for him.
It s ok for you to take some time away. So do that.

And if you want to walk away that's OK too.

Canyouforgiveher · 20/09/2015 23:53

You have to mind yourself first. You are allowed to put your own needs first. You can walk away if you need to.

My dd has had some mh issues (not that bad) and I remember thinking once when we were in the midst of a crisis that I would do this for a child but I am not sure I could do it for a partner. It is very hard.

YolandiFuckinVisser · 21/09/2015 00:03

Best wishes to you, it is so hard isn't it? It's unimaginably awful for the mh sufferer, it's also very very difficult for the husband/wife/partner. I can't give constructive advice cos I still don't know what's the best thing to do in your situation but wanted you to know you're not alone & we understand your predicament

Justaboy · 21/09/2015 00:15

My first wife had manic depression but although that was as awful as it was it was easer to deal with because it was that bad she needed hospital admission. It sounds like your man isnt quite that bad but is there anyway you could speak to his doctor to see if they could get him sectioned into hospital perhaps. A and E is no use for this they will patch up the cuts but won't cure the underling problem which may/ may not be curable but MH treatments are improving albeit slowly over time.

I suspect that if you leave him then it might trigger off a downward spiral for him. OK its NOT you fault or anything like that but its an illness but unlike physical illness there're a lot harder to cope with.

You might have to be very forceful with the "team" to convince them that he's getting unmanageable for you and that your seriously considering leaving that may make them take action which they otherwise may not do.

He in my opinion needs to be in hospital. It is sometimes very difficult to get that to happen.

Its damn difficult for you.

I've been there and got a tee shirt that I never wanted:-(

LadyB49 · 21/09/2015 00:19

I stayed with my schizophrenic husband for 22 years of misery. Misery for him, me, and my ds. Didn't leave sooner because I thought it was a mean thing to do.
When I left I didn't care any more ....It was for my own sanity. My family were fully supportive. If I'd talked to my family about it over the years instead of being stoic I'd have known that it was ok to leave, that it wouldn't make me a bad person.

The day I told him, I also rang his mental health social worker and got her to our home for his support. She arrived within the hour. I then suggested we got his father to come to us also,for his support.

Best thing I ever did.

LadyB49 · 21/09/2015 00:21

I meant that leaving was the best thing I ever did.

Ladyconstance · 21/09/2015 07:25

Leaky, please take heart. What you're contemplating takes a huge amount of courage and honesty. There's no shame or failure in that. The reality is that you must put yourself and your sanity/ wellbeing first. You really must. Otherwise your choices will cause hurt to your loved ones and yourself, probably greater than the pain to your current partner.

With children who are ill, parents' love is unconditional. But with a partner you've chosen, that bond isn't necessarily forever and 'no matter what'. Your partner needs help and support that at some level, you aren't ever able to give him, no matter how well intentioned you are. You're allowed to have limitations. My partner has struggled with mental health problems all his life. I love him deeply and my eyes are wide open that, at some points, I have to step aside and let him be cared for by others. Or even to choose that he doesn't want outside help. It's no picnic. But what keeps me sane and whole is knowing that I'm free to make the choice to stay in the marriage. I know I'm also free to walk away. So are you.

Fratelli · 21/09/2015 07:33

Op I used to self injure, never in front of anyone though. For me it's a totally private experience, almost addictive and nobody should have to see that. Could you maybe call 111 and see what they say?
If you want to leave you should. But please call his team first for support and any friend or family member he is close with. He can't see past his pain to care about the relationship.
Sorry you're both going through this. I wish him all the best.

BankWadger · 21/09/2015 07:39

My sympathies OP. After a shitty shitty Summer I am currently considering the future of my marriage as I can't handle the wait for the next bad patch (which is inevitable).

glasshouses88 · 21/09/2015 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Leakytap · 21/09/2015 08:18

glaas house your post resonated a lot, thank you. I hope you're doing ok, thank you for being so honest.

I know I can't fully understand how he is feeling, as for would I want to be with him without the depression my honest answer is no. I love him and he's a good man but I can't see myself with him forever. We've been together over five years so I feel like I'm deep in a rabbit role within the relationship and I can't get out, if that makes sense?

As for his mental health team he doesn't really have one yet, he's not seeing a therapist for another 3 weeks right now he's still in the care of his gp so I don't feel like I have a professional team I can talk to.

Thank you all for your honest posts.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 21/09/2015 08:31

I grew up with someone with depression. Long term depression is not like diabetes or cancer it can infect and affect everyone close to the person. Sometimes the only way to save yourself is to leave.

glasshouses88 · 21/09/2015 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 21/09/2015 09:25

Speak to your gp. Abput the stress it puts you under and also to fully disclose his self harm then at least ypu have passed on the info

Original poster
Leakytap · 21/09/2015 10:11

Glass his gp has given him the crisis team details but he refuses to call them, he thinks they can't help - that's why I've called them instead.

He's going back to the doctors tomorrow but yes I could ring his gp and explain what is happening.

Thank you for kind words and honest advice, it's very much appreciated.

OP posts:
glasshouses88 · 21/09/2015 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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