I can't deal with my partners mh problems anymore

[Leakytap]

I feel like such an awful human being and I don't think I'm even looking for advice just the catharsis of talking about it.

My partner suffers from severe depression, he is currently in a very bad place, has been signed off work, is on large doses of antidepressants and is in regular contact with medical professionals.

We've been together a few years and (for me) the relationship has not been good for a while (over 6 months) and now whilst he's going through the worst of his depression I can't deal with it anymore.

I've just had to come to bed because he started self harming in the living room.

I'm doing the best making sure he has medical help and people around to talk to, I am honestly worried he is going to try and end his own life at some point and if I were to leave I don't know how he will react/cope.

I feel as though I'm drowning. I don't have anyone to talk to; all of our friends are mutual and so I don't feel able to tell them about the relationship, my family are going through an awful patch and I've just found out my mum is an alcoholic and I've just started a new job so everything is a blur.

I just want to be happy and I'm not. I want him to be happy but am terrified that firstly by not leaving before the depression has got bad I've made it worse, and now feeling like I'm trapped and people will think I'm an awful human being leaving someone having a crisis.

Sorry for the sadness. I wish life was easier sometimes.

glasshouses88 good advice there, and leakytap* you will find sometimes its a PITA to get this ramped up to where it need be. A am not a doctor but I've been thru the mill with someone with manic depression and I can tell you, well you already know, your sharing the suffering of the person with the illness its not quite like say someone who has a broken leg that'll mend but this is an order different.

Really harangue his GP to get him into hospital or a place of care, even have a good at YOUR GP tell him /her that its causing you growing problems lay it on as best you can its what needs to be done from what I've read here. Some depressives are easier to treat than others sometimes they need to alter the drugs and MAKE SURE THE PATIENT IS TAKING THEM as MH patients are sods for not taking the pills as they ought there're very good in hospital for checking on that.

I'm just so sorry that your in this situation and its a very big cross for you to bear but please stay strong. I think that more can be done as said with the GP to get him in hospital even for a while at least it will give you a break and some breathing space.

Hope this helps.

I'm in a similar situation at the mo, dp in a pit of intrusive thoughts and anxiety. He has suffered before whenever they're are big life events but has been 7 years clear with just cbt. It's never been this bad and he has sought help and the crisis team /taking meds but I can't deal with feeling sick every time I go home. I used to do my pt job and then have a good social life around the dcs, now I've had to change my hours so he isn't doing 12 h r stretches and I can't pop out for a drink from work etc.
I feel incredibly selfish that this is what I'm angry about when he is going through hell but at the same time my whole life has changed and this is dominating every moment of the day.

I'm hoping his treatment will start soon although they have suggested seeing apsych nurse if it takes too long. Why the fuck are mental health budgets not seen as a priority? Why is it not just ' health '

Sorry for babbling and not offering any advice but I was going to post a similar thread and just needed to get it out. I feel claustrophobic most of the time.

Don't feel selfish. I've been on both sides at different times. And I can honestly say being the one with depression was easier. Because you are allowed as it were to behave in a selfish manner, even though it's not deliberate. And you get support. When you're in the supporting role, you're just expected by both society and the sufferer to stiffen your upper lip and take whatever shit comes your way without complaint.
Tbh whether I stayed would depend entirely on whether I thought they'd emerge the other end with it under control, before it had a long term impact on me, and any kids if that's relevant.
My own depression was caused entirely by having been placed in the position of supporting someone elses depression. It didn't cure or help them in anyway, it just messed me up too. So I would in no way criticise anyone else for wanting to get out.

BalthazarImpresario Mental health budgets?, a very good question that I can';t answer. I do hear that drug companies make far more money from such as Viagra than what they do from anti-depressants we so my pharmacist says and the overall attitude from the public to MH is still in the stone age its not, sad to say, going the change overnight:(

My dh was diagnosed with bipolar last year after a year of hell. He was so close to ending his own life, it was terrifying.
You don't mention children, apologies if I have got that wrong. If I could choose an easier path of life before we had got married and had our children, I think I would have run in the opposite direction to be frank. Life can be so hard at times.

There are still happy times to be had though, its not always so bleak!

The only advice I can give is to just stress to him that it's his responsibility to get the right help, not yours. If he is reluctant to be proactive, there is very little you can do to help. Talk to him, and get him to understand. You should not have to witness him self harming either. That is quite distressing to heard to be honest.
Also talk to someone you can trust, as you need support otherwise your own mental health may be damaged. Pm me if you want to, even if its just to rant!

You have to do what's right for you, you are not responsible for his wellness, looking after yourself is not in any way selfish. How awful. Big hug and for you from me.

Auntumnnights1

Get fucked. "Damage" indeed. Disgusting attitude. Not your dating policy, that's a personal thing, calling a whole group of people "damage" is vile. Yuck.

I am seriously depressive, and I think categorising me as "damage" to my friends and family would be fair. I also think that using expressions like "Get fucked" just because the rules allow you to is not big or clever.

OP - I'd leave and if I were your partner I'd urge you to leave.

Op it's ok to feel the way you do and it's ok to leave.

You can't love somebody with depression, you are doing the best thing you can for him, by making sure he has support in place.

Does he have any family who can help?

I think it would be worth getting counselling for yourself. The demands of trying to support someone else really can make you lose yourself and your confidence.

Depression is such a shitty illness for everyone the sufferers and the people who love them. It's disgusting the lack of resources available when there's so many affected by it

I meant you can't love somebody with depression better!

I agree with gateaux. I ended up with mh issues myself because of being forced to cope with someone elses 'damage', and it's a fair comment. Never again.

I think calling people with MH issues 'damage' only adds to the stigma and lack of support surrounding mental health.

We wouldn't call people with cancer, heart disease or a broken leg 'damage' we would say they were sick. The same applies to MH.

I have apologies for the terminology earlier but do have to point out you would say.

I damaged my arm
I damaged my leg etc

You do say part of a brain has been damaged by a stroke, chemo, etc.

Autumn my above post wasn't directed to you, I saw your apology upthread but have to disagree with the point you've just made.

Some people on this thread have called those with MH issues 'damage'. They haven't said 'health is damaged by MH/ MH has damaged the brain.' Comparing it to 'I damaged my leg' is irrelevant, that context wasn't being used in the thread, the word damage was being used to brand a whole person.

A fair comparison would be:

'That person had a stroke, they're damage now'
'They had cancer, they're damage now'

People just wouldn't say that about physical illness.

Parts of them have become "damaged" because of it. Other areas have been "damaged" due to medication etc.

No I wont date someone thats perception has been "damaged" due to their past.

Depression can and does damage parts of the brain.

Why not google it and see.

But that's not what you said at all, is it?

You said 'I personally run a mile from "damage" and I truly hope you do to.'

You didn't say a person whose brain may have been damaged. You said 'damage' as if that is in any way an acceptable or non offensive way to describe someone with MH issues.

I'm well aware mental health affects the brain

The brain is simply another organ. Heart disease damages the heart, do you sneer at that type of organ damage too? A damaged organ does not make the person 'damage'.

Autumnnights1 well the bit i do know about neuroscience doesn't quite accord with that theory statement as such. Yes infarct, stroke, haemorrhage does damage the brain it kill of cells, but I rather don't think that depression damages the brain it might change someone's personalty but that's not quite brain damage.

I wasnt sneering at all Tiptops.

You made the big deal about terminology so I just stated facts after this was done. Im glad you are well aware of damage.

Damage occurs to every organ in our bodies so whether its a brain or a leg damage happens. For me to say I dont want to date someone that has been damaged is very reasonable.

So what is damaged in the brain if so in what way then?. I think you really mean the personality has changed.

FWIW. My first wife had manic depression the mania part was well, tiring but to see her in the depressed phase you just either have to see it to even comprehend it or go thru it. A person clinically depressed like that looks and moves like someone out of a zombie movie, their skin looks like a pasty shade of grey they shuffle around very slowly there're very slow to respond to questions or anyone speaking to them they are almost in another world.

Now when she came out of the depression phase she was absolutely fine:)

Damage doesnt have to be long term Justaboy.

Damage is a word
Damage can be long term or short term
Damage or damaged doesnt have to be taken out of context

I damaged my phone but now its fixed
I had a fall and now my arm is damaged and it wont be able to be repaired

When someone is cutting themselves or depressed something is damaged, it may be repaired or it may not.

Why not google it and see.

Why don't you google neuroplasticity and see how the brain can change after trauma? This is how people recover from brain injuries, mental illness etc.

I would indeed say I damaged my arm, I damaged my leg etc, that isn't what you said, you dismissively called everyone with MH problems "damage", as a collective. Horrible.

You probably know people who have MH problems/have dated people who have MH problems and either you or they or both didn't know about it. If a friend said they had anxiety tomorrow would you dismiss them as "damage"? Your partner? One of your children?

To get back to the original OP without people picking up on a word

No, you dont have to stick around, no you dont have to feel guilty.

If you want to leave you have every right to do so.