I can't deal with my partners mh problems anymore

[Leakytap]

I feel like such an awful human being and I don't think I'm even looking for advice just the catharsis of talking about it.

My partner suffers from severe depression, he is currently in a very bad place, has been signed off work, is on large doses of antidepressants and is in regular contact with medical professionals.

We've been together a few years and (for me) the relationship has not been good for a while (over 6 months) and now whilst he's going through the worst of his depression I can't deal with it anymore.

I've just had to come to bed because he started self harming in the living room.

I'm doing the best making sure he has medical help and people around to talk to, I am honestly worried he is going to try and end his own life at some point and if I were to leave I don't know how he will react/cope.

I feel as though I'm drowning. I don't have anyone to talk to; all of our friends are mutual and so I don't feel able to tell them about the relationship, my family are going through an awful patch and I've just found out my mum is an alcoholic and I've just started a new job so everything is a blur.

I just want to be happy and I'm not. I want him to be happy but am terrified that firstly by not leaving before the depression has got bad I've made it worse, and now feeling like I'm trapped and people will think I'm an awful human being leaving someone having a crisis.

Sorry for the sadness. I wish life was easier sometimes.

Lots of nonsense being talked here. I have had major depressive disorder for 40 years and stage 3 cancer for two. My depression is directly and seriously damaging to my children, partner, family and friends in a way cancer can only dream about. It also seems to be a bit resistant to this lovely neuroplasticity stuff we are being invited to google.

How are things, OP?

I notice you said your mum is an alcoholic and you have only found this out recently. I'm wondering if there's some co-dependency going on in this relationship and you feel responsible for "fixing" your partner? If so, this book may help: Co-Dependent No More

What is your living situation? Do you rent or own, whose name(s) on lease/deeds? You haven't mentioned DC so I take it you don't have any, so that's less complicated at least. What steps would you need to take to leave the relationship?

I am sure my kids and I are damaged by my ex's depression for which he only ever popped pills and never have sought any further help. It drained me and was so tiring. Despite if him being "good man".

I split with him over 6 years ago and it took me ages to feel happy again.
I said that many times. If I knew the extend of an impact his depression will have on me I would have never married him and had kids with him. He should never have become a father because he is too selfish. Nice people can be selfish! It is hard to separate his inner character from how depression affected him but the combination of both created person he is as I described above.

gateauxauxfruits Poor you, some people get the bloody mill thrown at them not only having to go through it;!.

As to plasticity its a term that's not set in stone, the way we look at the brain is changing all the time as in effect we still know sod all about it!.

In brief its a sort of description of how cells in the brain can reconnect themselves after a brain "incident" usually physical in origin. I think you will find that medics these days will refer to "damage" as being just that a cellular or physical effect whereas someone who's been affected as more "affected" by whatever by whatever cause.