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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

EA, can they ever really change?

55 replies

Imflabulous · 20/09/2015 20:28

As a above really, my Dh has been emotionally abusive among other things and is currently moved out. It has been over many years things have come to a head and I have given "one more chance" more times than I can count. I have agreed to possibly give it another go if I can see evidence of change. The trouble is I am scared he doesn't change or makes a good act of changing and I am back to square one.

Can they change? Or am I flogging a dead horse?

Any help or advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Inexperiencedchick · 20/09/2015 20:32

No advice, but Flowers

ToGoBoldly · 20/09/2015 20:32

Dead horse. If you say one more chance, they screw up and you keep giving more last chances, they won't change. Why do it to yourself?

ToadsforJustice · 20/09/2015 20:32

No -IME an emotional abuser can never change. That is their MO. Please don't waste any more of your life on this person. You know you deserve more out of a relationship.

Hissy · 20/09/2015 20:33

No love. They don't change. They only modify.

You deserve a proper man who treats you like an equal, one who believes he's superior to women is never going to be that man. Never. Ever.

Original poster
Imflabulous · 20/09/2015 20:35

Thank you for the reply's.

its so hard as right now when alone with kids I miss what we had and all the good times, then when I see him all the anger comes back.

I feel torn Sad

OP posts:
ToGoBoldly · 20/09/2015 20:37

So he makes you angry when you see him. That means the reality is not as good as he has kidded you to remember it.

LoveAGoodRummage · 20/09/2015 20:39

He'll show you he has changed and then change back. At least, that was my experience with my ex. We had a child together whilst he hid away his EA side and now I'm forever connected to him. I went back to work after maternity leave and the bastard reappeared. It took me another three years to leave, decimated my mental health and wasted my precious time.

Don't go back, go forwards.

Original poster
Imflabulous · 20/09/2015 20:41

Also we have been apart for about 6 weeks now, and sometimes in my head I feel I am minimising what has been done or said and I should just try again and that I will be judged for not giving it my all to save my marriage. Also to the outside world it doesn't look like much has gone on, more a series of smaller events that chip away at you.

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 20/09/2015 20:41

I believe some can change, but never with the party they'd abused before. Too ingrained a habit, sort of thing. Like with alcoholics, they have to hit rock bottom (or equivalent) to have the motivation to change, i.e. losing their family. If that very loss was then "un-lost", the motivation goes away. The "wake up call" gets a snooze button.

LoveAGoodRummage · 20/09/2015 20:44

Cross posted with you there.

Wow. I went through the same thing but about 6/7 months after we split. I sent myself an email listing everything he did. Whenever I started to minimise or doubt my decision, I would read it.

I understand missing being a 'family.' But you are still one with your children. Teach them that in a relationship, you don't stay with arseholes.

Hissy · 20/09/2015 20:49

You have a right to that anger love. Don't dismiss it.

CarrieLouise25 · 20/09/2015 20:49

Try to be strong Flowers

I made the mistake of going back, if things would change, wish I never had. Wasted 2 more years. And it got much worse.

Your children are so much better off seeing Mummy not put up with being treated badly; this is one of the best life lessons you can teach them!

He will never, ever change. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you (regardless of any good times), and doesn't ever make you feel this/that way again.

You're missing out on finding your actual soul mate.

Time will bring strength, just try and concentrate on your lovely children. Life is far too short, and spending it with someone who is EA is precious time wasted on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Good luck x

Original poster
Imflabulous · 20/09/2015 21:00

Ah your gonna make me cry!

Even now im getting the I love you and I will show you I can change, this will be different, I miss being a family etc messages and it guilt tripping me!

What if I throw it away and he does change and its too late?

OP posts:
ToGoBoldly · 20/09/2015 21:04

He won't change for you. He has thrown it away, not you. He will not change. Did he change any other time you gave him "one last chance"? Nope. This time is no different.

Original poster
Imflabulous · 20/09/2015 21:09

Do you what, if it was one of my friends I would say get rid! But when it's happening to me, im all excuses! I need a slap.

OP posts:
ToGoBoldly · 20/09/2015 21:11

We're all giving you a friendly slap in the face. Don't go back to an abusive loser. Don't make your children grow up in that environment, it fucks them up for life.

RomiiRoo · 20/09/2015 21:13

You are not throwing it away, if he has eroded your self-esteem and the marriage by abuse, then what is there to hold on to?

If he is going to change, he can change without being part of your life; you can heal in his absence - and if there is a conversation to be had, where things look different, two/three/four years down the line, then you will find yourself having it.

But right now, you are talking about someone you feel angry with; who will not let you alone, who is still putting his emotional needs above yours. The change you need is for him to understand that brow-beating you and emotionally manipulating you into reconciliation is no change at all - that is business as usual - change means him leaving you alone, only communicating about DC and understanding you are your own person with your own feelings and needs. Seeing you, rather than himself - now that would begin to be a bit more like love.

Original poster
Imflabulous · 20/09/2015 21:27

Romiiroo, you have hit the nail on the head. Since we have separated, he has said he has/is changing and im the only one who cant see it. However in all this time he has not tried to be nice, like he is full of digs and snide comments etc and yet he thinks he has changed as he is agreeing to my terms ( I want to see an actual change before I will consider trying again) and he keeps harassing me into saying I love him etc every time I think he is genuine, I pick up on a snide comment that is a blatant dig, how ever he is in denial and im seeing things that are not there.

I have suggested a couple of weeks of no contact unless about kids to see how I feel but I know he will be waiting on me declaring my undying love after this and I don't know if I'm up for that!

Just to give an idea, the incident that set off this latest episode was because I was late out of work....

OP posts:
Original poster
Imflabulous · 20/09/2015 21:31

Sorry, I realise I'm rambling...

OP posts:
vodkalemonlime · 20/09/2015 21:34

Imflabulous Would you mind me asking what he was like? What behaviour did he display when you were late out of work?

My H used to huff and puff if I was late, then be all moody, I was in Customer Service at the time and tried to always explain I couldn't just walk away from a customer when the clock hit 5! It was always a nightmare and I used to try my best to get home asap after 5.

Original poster
Imflabulous · 20/09/2015 21:53

Vodkalemonlime, very much like your self. If I was late from work this would result in not speaking for day's. Sometimes I would be ignored or given silent treatment for no reason and I would be walking on egg shells.

If I said the wrong thing, went out. Took to long shopping, spoke to members of the opposite sex. I was having affairs with half my work place. Sometimes he would punch the wall or chuck stuff about all the while saying he was "fine".....I was distant, prioritised work over him ( not true).

He didn't speak to my family when they were visiting, went in the huff when I suggested visiting my mum ( she lives a couple of hours away) without him. Totally ignored me while I am away and pretends he didn't hear phone....question where I have been.

plus lots more, sorry just adding as I think of things.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 20/09/2015 22:36

Not speaking for days - red flag 1
Ignored - red flag 2
Silent treatment - red flag 3
Said the wrong thing - red flag 4
Too long shopping - red flag 5

and a further 10 or 11 flags......

Do you see where I'm going with this? Isn't it time to have a relationship without a single red flag?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 20/09/2015 22:52

They don't change IMO. They learn to hid it long enough to possibly convince you that they've changed (well, some do - my ex hasn't). They use emotional blackmail, they feel they have to make dramatic announcements (I'm going to change for you, I'll show you I've changed) and expect instant recognition.

I still remember my ex saying at one contact visit (after not seeing the dcs for months) "See? It's been an hour and I haven't shouted." Hmm Seriously, that was his "look how much I've changed and improved" comment - that he hasn't shouted at our 2 small children for a whole fucking hour! Twat.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2015 23:04

You would be a fool to take him back

CanalTrip · 20/09/2015 23:21

I believe it is hardwired from childhood