Broken hearted

[Lexia123]

I think my boyfriend and I just ended our relationship. I'm devastated.

We had a talk last night as I had asked him to mull over our future and where he saw us going. But when we talked about it we saw we were on different paths, not that we stopped loving each other.
It's just so sad. We had distance against us as he lives in London and I live in Surrey, so only saw each other at weekends.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, maybe just some stories from people who have been in a similar place, and what happened. I'm utterly miserable, and don't want to imagine my life without him??

Please help

Sorry OP :( sounds very sad and difficult.

Can I ask how different were these 'different paths'? Is it something either of you could compromise on, if you still love each other?

Or do you think he actually doesn't want to make the effort? (London/Surrey doesn't seem like a very large distance if you were committed to making it work.)

I think the big issue has been that I always knew I'd like to live where I am, as I grew up there and have family very close by, whereas he's from another country and loves the city life in London. Which I do too, and I've thought about getting a job there.

But he says doesn't see himself leaving London, and perhaps doesn't ever see himself settling down or having kids.
And although most of these differences we were fully aware of in the beginning, I'm wondering now what I could compromise on. We love each other so much, that there must be a way to work it out. Our friends and parents will be disappointed for us too

How old are you both? I've lost track of the number of people who say they can't imagine leaving London and /or wanting kids only to do exactly both things a few years down the line. People are blessed with very little imagination.

Distance against you? The very far end of Surrey to the very far end of London isn't that far! Large bits of Surrey are even inside the M25 and (just) on the Northern Line!

More of an issue if he doesn't want kids and you do, I think.

Surrey and London aren't far and lots of couples only see each other at weekends. The main issue is children. I would find someone who wants the same things from life, as hard as that may be.

have you been together long? I'm sorry for what's happened , although if he never wants children and you do this is something you need to know so you can move on and both achieve what you want from relationships. Was your relationship generally good? What brought on the conversation to begin with?

'perhaps doesn't ever see himself settling down or having kids' - the 'perhaps' is the most frustrating part, because as Mairzy says one of you might change your mind down the line (especially if you are both still quite young). I don't know what the answer is.

The 'settling down' thing seems relevant now, though - does he not want to 'settle down' in a long term relationship now?

If you both love each other as you say you do, then the distance thing sounds like an excuse. It's really not that far to travel.
However if he doesn't want to have kids, then it's the right decision to break up. Chancing it in hopes of him ever changing his mind, most often ends up in tears.

Thank you all.

He's 27 and I'm 31. We've been together almost a year, no fights or anything. He's a great guy and always treated me well. He made me a part of his life and we went to his native Holland in July to meet all his friends. He's incorporated me into every part of his life. I slowly did the same. I found it hard to let him in after I was hurt badly in my last relationship.

The distance isn't that far, and he said he just wants to spend more time with me. So when I suggested we talk about the future he said living together scared him which left me a bit confused.

I know he is young, and he has always said give him 10 year before kids, so he never said it was off the table.

The more we've talked the more confused I've become. Other people think we just need to compromise so we can spend more time together, which is what I'd like to do.

10 years? That would make him 41

Plus only seeing one another at weekends when you are not very far apart at all.. I just don't get this, op.

You haven't managed to bag yourself a commitment phone, have you?

Phone ffs

PHOBE

You haven't been together a year yet, you could give it a bit more time before moving in together. If he wants to spend more time with you, I'm sure he could organise himself to do so, I think it might be an idea to give him space to make the effort.
27 is quite young for a bloke, lots of them don't really feel ready to settle down till they're a bit older. But 31 for a woman is quite a bit ahead biologically, you haven't necessarily got 10 years for him to think about whether he's ready for a family.
As far as living in central London is concerned, most people couldn't afford to live there long term, especially with a family, so unless he earns megabucks he'll have to think about moving at some point.

I don't think he's a commitment phobe- I've been with one of those before.

When you lay it all on paper here I see what you mean. It does seem strange not to see each other in the week. The travel is not too bad, is 35 mins on the fast train, plus the overground. I've said to him that we could try one night in the week so we can see each other more.

I am confused as I know that nothing's set in stone and what you think you want isn't always what you do, if that makes sense.

This is so hard. I really want to try again.

One year is no time at all to decide to start a family.
But one year is enough time to know if you're interested in someone enough to try living together.
Although I might choose not to live with someone after a year for whatever practical reasons, if they absolutely didn't want to, I'd know it was time to move on.

the key here is communication.

The fact that you are living aprt means that it is only natural that at some point a conversation would come up about where you stand in tterms of having a future.

But distance is not insurmountable, and ultimately what you need to do is figure out whether there is compromise in terms of your future or whether the future does in fact appear out of sight.

If you love each other, truely love each other, then walking away from a future purely on the basis that you currently can't see yourselves moving would be foolish. And if you truely love each other then one of you will compromise in order to make a relationship work between you. If however children is the issue then you do need to decide whether this is something you are unable to agree on, and perhaps walk away now before you get more hurt in the future.

I live in Kent and my dp lives in Birmingham. We too see each other at weekends, and there is very little scope for more than that because of the distance. Currently I have no option but to stay here because I have a twelve year old DS who has just gone into year 8, and who I wouldn't want to move away from his dad, so if we are to be together permanently dp will need to find a job here. Unfortunately he works in a very niche industry, and therefore getting a job will be difficult if not impossible. But we love each other, and are not about to give up what we already have just because we can't live together in the here and now. I would far rather have him here at weekends than not at all. Not at all isn't an option as far as I'm concerrned. But I would be lying if I said that I don't sometimes think that maybe we'll never be able to be together permanently. But worst case scenario would be that DS won't be a child for ever, and that when he leaves school I will be able to move to Birmingham. Six years seems a long time, but we've already been together for two and a half years, we will make it work for that long if we have to before we're in a position to be together permanently.

He's less than an hour ago. I don't think you can say distance is against you, a huge number of people commute that daily.

You need to think if it would ever be practical for you both to live in London with a family - could you afford it? Even if you wanted to live there.

I think you should leave it now though - he has said he doesn't know if sees himself ever "settling down"? If that's separate to children, and you write it like it is, then just walk away, no matter how you feel about him. People can be unsure about marriage, they can be definite about no kids - but if at 27 after going out with you for a year he doesn't know about "settling down", walk away.

I agree with Cabrinha.
He doesn't want to settle down with you.
I'd call it a day and make room in my life for someone who thinks more of me.

Thank you all. It's hard to know some of the answers. There's nobody else involved, on either side. All his friends are the same age as him and are all coupled up and one has a child, and I never realised that long term and having kids really scared him. I think he just wants more from his life than feeling tied down, which is why he moved to London.

I think the distance is certainly doable in terms of travelling. I've been in crap relationships before and this wasn't one of them.

Who'd have thought kids would be such a deal breaker... One or both of us might change and I don't need those things now

Walk away.

Why should you give him ten years to think about kids? What he's saying is that you shouldn't hassle him, but spend your fertile years hoping he'll change his mind. And if he doesn't? Oops! Too late!

I've seen too many threads on here where that has happened. London to Surrey is no distance. Yes, you're still young but you don't have ten years to waste on someone who doesn't want what you want. There's nothing at all wrong with not wanting kids of course, but it is cruel, manipulative and unpleasant to keep someone hanging on.

if I were you, I'd give him space to think things over and decide if he really wants to risk losing you.

If things fizzle out between you then it shows it really wasn't going to work.

You may find he thinks about things and realises he wants to be with you.

Meanwhile try not to give it too much headspace.

Don't, whatever you do, put your life on hold. He probably isn't !