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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Broken hearted

71 replies

Lexia123 · 20/09/2015 13:31

I think my boyfriend and I just ended our relationship. I'm devastated.

We had a talk last night as I had asked him to mull over our future and where he saw us going. But when we talked about it we saw we were on different paths, not that we stopped loving each other.
It's just so sad. We had distance against us as he lives in London and I live in Surrey, so only saw each other at weekends.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, maybe just some stories from people who have been in a similar place, and what happened. I'm utterly miserable, and don't want to imagine my life without him??

Please help

OP posts:

Original poster

Lexia123 · 21/09/2015 15:12

Thank you all. It is utterly heartbreaking. I've read all of your advice, and I know that it sounds like we are not on the same page.

But I do think that the right person means making sacrifices, I just haven't made any yet. When we were in NL in July, his mum was kind of pushing us to make some firmer plans, as she know we only see each other at weekends. I lived with a guy in my early twenties, and it was an absolute disaster, as we both knew we were completely wrong for each other. Which is why living with somebody again really scares me and it's not something I would rush into. I only suggested it because he said he just wants to see me more, and that seemed like a solution.

Four years in age isn't really an issue, I guess its more the phase of life. But I could wait 5 years, those things don't need to happen now. It's a risk, because they might not happen after that either. I have so much to think about.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 21/09/2015 15:26

what communication do you have with him during the week op? have you heard from him since your talk on Saturday or did he say that it was over and leave then? You say you've always spent weekends together, yet this weekend you seemingly didn't if you had the talk and then cut contact after that?

Think about that op, think about the message that sends. He said he didn't want you to break up with him, but presumably you parted ways after your chat?

ToastedOrFresh · 22/09/2015 03:23

I had a relationship with a bloke who lived in North London before I met, 'the one'.

He did suggest moving to Ealing which would be a halfway point for both of us. I didn't want to move to London. I also resented the fact that I would have had to leave Surrey but he would not have had to leave London.

I wasn't that interested in him or the relationship.

What I don't really understand is why it seems to be all on you to move to London. Have I understood this correctly ?

I get it that you own your own house. I'd advise you not to sell it. I don't want to get into a discussion about money, but, it's something else you and him will have to discuss if you are serious about the future together.

Or will that be something else for him to sidestep as he doesn't want children yet or a mortgage or marriage ? Do you see where I'm going with this ?

ToastedOrFresh · 22/09/2015 03:26

You want him to be your kid's Dad. He's not ready to be a Dad. Sorry you've hit the impasse.

springydaffs · 22/09/2015 07:06

Yes you compromise on some things but not something as huge as this.

I'm alarmed you're wondering if you really do want kids - it is very clear you absolutely do. Don't chuck that away in a desperate bid to keep this man.

I got his age wrong, sorry. Yes 27 is quite young for a man to think of settling down. Let him think about this (ime you have to wait sometimes between presenting an idea to a man and it filtering through) but I'd give it 6 months, max. The very max.

Don't sell yourself short. This is fundamentally important to you, don't kid yourself otherwise to keep him.

Cabrinha · 22/09/2015 08:00

You mentioned before that family and friends would be upset that you've split.

And now you're saying his mum was pushing you to see each other more - when you'd been seeing him what? 6 months?

Why does it matter to you what other people say?

It's absolutely irrelevant was his mum says!!!

That you previously stayed with someone who didn't want the same things is a big alarm bell. We've all made poor choices in the past... but have you understood yours and learned from it?

Isetan · 22/09/2015 08:07

I think he's saying that at 27 living the life he lives, the pressure of being your everything is too much. And by everything I don't mean you have no life aside from him but that your dream for your future and your family would be wrapped up in him being able to imagine how he'll feel in 6 or 7 years time by which time you will be late 30s.

There's nothing wrong with how you feel and there's nothing wrong with how he feels but it would be wrong for you both to remain in this relationship, feeling the way you do. I think he's been honest and as much as that hurts right now, it was for the best.

I think you should take this time in figuring out what you want because in a few posts you've swung from wanting to stay in Surrey, to being open to moving to the Netherlands (thats the heartbreak talking). Right now your desperately trying to mould your aspirations to mirror his and it just doesn't work like that.

At 27, if a bf was talking long term futures with me after a year of dating I wouldn't have been receptive because I wasn't in that place (and I didn't reach that place until I got pregnant at 35).

I'm sorry your hurting, break-ups suck and break-ups due to incompatibility, suck more.

And for the poster who thought Dutch men were generally more emotionally mature than their British brothers, in my personal experience, hell no.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/09/2015 08:28

That was me Isetan and we can both obviously only speak as we both find eh?

Original poster

Lexia123 · 22/09/2015 09:29

Thanks for all your advice. I know that a lot of it is absolutely true, and thats hard to hear. I have made very poor choices before but this was honestly different, and I most definitely have learned from them.

We whatsapp and FaceTime every single day, and see each other friday through sunday every weekend. I think it was fear on his part so it's easier to run.

I wish I'd never asked him to think about the future, but I know we'd have had to have a talk at sometime....

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 22/09/2015 10:47

I'll throw in my knowledge of Dutch men from 6 months working in Amsterdam and years with them on international teams...

In a business context: no bullshit. They're direct, don't faff around with politics, say what they mean, don't like long drawn out waffly meetings!

Cabrinha · 22/09/2015 10:48

And they're TALL

BitOutOfPractice · 22/09/2015 10:52

Dutch is a very direct language. That makes. Lot of Dutch people quite, how shall I say it, blunt!

I have also found Dutch men (again, sweeping generalisation here!) less sexist than their uk counterparts.

Also I think marriage is less common there than here.

Anyhow, just done thoughts to throw into the mix. My general thought is that if he really really wanted to be with you NOW you would be seeing each other more than once a week. Let alone the future. You seem way way more committed than him op. Sorry

iamnotaponceyloudperson · 22/09/2015 11:01

You've been amazingly strong forcing the conversation. If you look at some of the threads on here lots of people carry on blindly in relationships pretending its everything they want and then find themselves despondent later in life (not just about kids). I wasn't as strong as you. I loved him too much to address the elephant in the room. It was my ex who broached the subject and although we carried on for a while, once out in the open, it became obvious neither of us would be be happy with the long term sacrifices needed.

Original poster

Lexia123 · 22/09/2015 11:43

It's so strange. I've been with another Dutchman before, and my bf is so much more in tune with his feelings and so unlike most men I'd ever met. In the early days it was me that was unsure, as I was led by him. I'd been badly hurt so went into this thinking "it's just a bit of fun, I'm not going to worry about it", but I developed feelings along the way. He was always very keen, and it was me that kind of went along with it, even though I was unsure I was ready for a relationship. But we truly did build a life together in a way, and he just never said that kids were off the table. He's been very accommodating to me, always being patient and understanding. I think like a lot of men the future scares them, and they find it hard to talk about it. You are right that marriage is less common in NL, and two of his best friends are in a civil union rather than a marriage. I don't know, it all seems so silly now. I'd pictured us being together long term, perhaps living abroad as his job gives him a lot of opportunity to travel. And I could wait to have kids. I know it sounds like I might compromise who I am to work this out, but maybe it's a wake up call. I'm 31 years old, and I need to make some changes to my life.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 22/09/2015 12:05

so have you actually heard from him since the weekend?

Original poster

Lexia123 · 22/09/2015 12:15

No I haven't. He said he would be in touch in a while. I want to talk to him but I think it might be better to give him some headspace. So did his mum. And I've chased someone before, it only ends in tears, and I don't want to drive him away.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 22/09/2015 12:24

Why are you talking to his mum about it?!

Cabrinha · 22/09/2015 12:25

You need to really think about what you want. I don't understand that you wouldn't move a 35 minute train journey, but you would move to live abroad?

juneau · 22/09/2015 12:27

I could wait 5 years, those things don't need to happen now. It's a risk, because they might not happen after that either.

Thing is OP, in five years' time you'll be 36. That's the sort of age you want to be actually physically HAVING your DC (if not before, to be brutally honest). Its not the age at which you want to be breaking up with this guy, because he's still only 32 and not ready, and finding yourself back on the dating market with your biological clock ticking loudly in your ear.

I know you're torn. I know you're heart-broken, but if you're going to break up with this lovely, young, honest and plain-speaking man, do it now. Don't wait five years. If you do that and miss your chance to have kids you will live a life of regret. Choose him and realise that might well be a choice of childlessness, or leave now.

juneau · 22/09/2015 13:18

Oh and one other thing to consider. If you choose him and miss out on having DC, there is always the possibility that he might leave you for a younger woman if he changes his mind. Its not unheard of. I know you want to brush that 4-year age difference under the rug, because so far it hasn't been an issue, but when it comes to biology it will be. The bottom line is that women simply don't have as many years to dither around when it comes to having DC. Ideally, you should have finished having your family by the time you hit 40. That's less than nine years from now. It sounds a long time, but its not if you choose to break up with this guy and meet someone else. You'll want to be with them for approx 1-3 years first (I would imagine), then it can easily take a year (or more), to get pregnant. You can miscarry. You can have fertility issues. You may want two or more DC. Do you see how those months and years start to add up?

So decide what YOU want and try not to be swayed by your strong desire to keep hold of this guy. Compromise is a two-way street, so don't be too hasty to give up all your dreams in order to fit in with his.

CalonDu · 22/09/2015 14:25

What compromises is he making? So far, you're willing to give up your chance of children, your home, your family... for what? So he can continue his life exactly as it is, but with you a bit nearer?

I know it's very very hard to hear, but from what you've said, you need to let this one go, now - there'll be something better for you out there once you do. TeapotDictator put her finger right on it: his 'children in 10 yrs time' comment is a gentlemanly/cowardly way of sliding out of any commitment to you, but without having to have the harder conversation. Obviously he cares enough about you not to want to deprive you of your chance to have a family, but he knows he's not going to be the one you'll have it with. IME, most men, if they know they don't really want kids but still love their partner, will try to soften that by saying, But let's get a dog, or But let's find a flat together. Some commitment. He's not doing that. Let him go - there WILL be some man out there who can give you what you want. When you find him, you'll be glad you didn't squander another year, two years, three years, of your fertile years, trying to fix this sadly unfixable situation.

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