Broken hearted

[Lexia123]

I think my boyfriend and I just ended our relationship. I'm devastated.

We had a talk last night as I had asked him to mull over our future and where he saw us going. But when we talked about it we saw we were on different paths, not that we stopped loving each other.
It's just so sad. We had distance against us as he lives in London and I live in Surrey, so only saw each other at weekends.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, maybe just some stories from people who have been in a similar place, and what happened. I'm utterly miserable, and don't want to imagine my life without him??

Please help

Kids and attitudes to money are invariably deal breakers!

After all they are life changers

I will give us both some time to think. Now in thinking do I really want to have kids? I feel like he's set me free to go of and have a family with someone else, which I don't way to do. I'm sure I could meet someone who could offer me those things, but what's the point if I don't love him? The right relationship is the most important thing.
I'm just so confused and upset right now.

OP, I'm going to have to disagree with other posters on here. He doesn't sound mean, selfish or phobic; he's not trying to mess you around, he just doesn't want to be in this relationship. It's hard to hear, but at least he's telling you up front.

You've not been together long and it sounds as if you can't have even seen that much of each other in that time. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but I think you have to respect his wishes and move on. Ignore people who are telling you he might change his mind; of course he won't! He's 27, for fuck's sake! Also, the fact that he's living in London means that most of the people around him(despite he odd friend with kids) will be focussing on fun and their careers and won't be settling going down and having children for a long while yet. That's the life he wants, and you have to respect that; there's nothing wrong or pathological about it.

If he won't be ready for kids for 10 years then he's not for you. You will be 41 in ten years (sure you worked that out already) and it would be foolish to wait til your early 40s to start trying for a baby.

I don't think it's that either. He said he was scared I was going to break up with him. That's not what either of us wanted. I think we just saw ourselves going down different paths. This was such a good relationship I don't want to throw it away. I needed to put more effort in and I want to try and put it right. It's such a waste to throw it all away. And I did think that 41 is too old to be trying for a baby, but I'm not sure now that that's what I really want.

It doesn't sound like he's that into you.

You don't have 10 years to wait to see if he decides he wants children.

Which he probably will, but not with you at that point, because you'll be over 40.

The idea that the distance between Surrey and London would be a problem to a couple who were madly in love is laughable.

He is in his 20s in a big city and you are a girl from the suburbs he is seeing who was fine for a while.

And your right that if he's living in London, fun and career are his priorities right now, which is totally understandable. We planned to do some trips together and we always do fun stuff at the weekends together, not just sit at home! We've been together every weekend for almost a year, neither of us has ever cancelled any plans, we both wanted to spend the weekends with each other.

Absolutely not true that he's not in to me. Not enough words to explain how that's never been the case ( not trying to be narcissistic, but it's true)

So what's the alternative to ending it ?

Spending the next 10 years from 31 to 41, dating someone who doesnt want to live together or have kids and hoping he changes his mind ?

Maybe I don't want to have kids. If rather be in a good relationship with a man who treats me well than lose it all. This is so hard. I feel like it's all a bad dream.

He's not enough into you after a year of being together to want to commit to you in any way at all.

A man who treats you well is not the holy grail, it's the bare minimum.

It sounds like he does want children, just outside your realistic window, and therefore with somebody other than you.

Well that's your choice then. Spent the rest of your life dating this guy . If you don't want kids and never want to live with someone , then that's fine . Nothing wrong with that if you are both happy .

If you always thought you wanted kids, but are only questioning it because of what he has said, then be very careful. You may be trying to change your basic desires so that you are "better" for him. This way will lead to heartbreak for you. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have children, but it's something you need to have decided for yourself with no external pressure. If he said tomorrow "actually, kids would be great, let's move everything forwards and once we are settled start trying" how would you feel? I suspect you'd want to have those babies, and if that's the case, you do want children, it's just that right now you want him more.

It's very hard. I know a lot of women who reached about 30, and suddenly had to make the decision to leave an otherwise functional relationship because they wanted children. It suddenly became a dealbreaker in a way it hadn't been before. It always struck me as such a mature and grown up reason to end things :)

Do not compromise who you are for anyone, no matter how lovely they are.

Having said that, it is still early days. It doesn't sound like he's made any firm decisions yet. You might want to try to see if he wants to see you more regularly, and if that does happen, having decided what you really want, it's important to talk about things.

If you do want children, and you think there's a chance he may change his mind, then you need to find out his views. Not a "I may decide I want them in 10 years" because that's either Code for "I don't want them but don't want you to leave" or "I am so thoughtless that I haven't even thought about how that might affect you physically, and how realistic my plans are"

I had a boyfriend from a Commonwealth country that lived in London in a house share, I lived at home with my parents in Surrey. I remember every Friday afternoon being only to glad to leave work on time, around 4.30pm. So I could get into the throng of Friday traffic on the M25 for the 90 minute, J11/M25 Surrey-London-Essex-A13 to East London journey to his house. Until I learned to go M4 to West London then through London past the Tower of London on to East London through Limehouse on and endlessly on until I got to his house.

He proposed and we got engaged after three months. I was 24 he was 29. This was after a weekend in Paris where we talked about our lives and our futures. Two years later we married.

Sorry to say this but it's as if he is happy having a relationship with you and it suits all parties for you to visit, but, he's happy jogging along with things as they are.

I'm sensing an subtle undercurrent of 'take it or leave it' from him. I mean, ten years is a suitably woolly time frame isn't it ? So I assume that means no marriage until then either ?

If you don't have the same plans/dreams now (not saying they have to be identical or even achievable) maybe you never will ?

Are you fed up with the journey every weekend ? I mean, you've been doing that for a year now.

It sort of sounds like you would be making the sacrifices i.e. moving to London.

I'm taking it as read that he's Dutch. So, if he talks to his friends and relatives in the Dutch language you are going to wonder what is being discussed. Especially if they do it in front of you.

It might be to late, but if he has these children, 'in ten years time' where would he want them to go to school ? Not simply Britain or Holland, just where ?

Most people want their children to have the childhood they had (or not.) Do you want bi-lingual children ? Would they speak in Dutch to their Dutch relatives ? Are you going to learn Dutch ?

He's just not ready to be in the same place emotionally that you are.

We were living together seven months after meeting, we were engaged and the wedding date had been set. He travelled overseas for five months on a prior to meeting me previously planned group over landing trip after we got engaged. I didn't mind, it gave us both time to think/reconsider as we had met and got engaged comparatively quickly. (Well I was with my previous boyfriend for 8 years....yawn.) I was his first serious girlfriend. If he was going to answer, 'the call of the wild' he had but a short time to do this ! As, upon his return, 'his ass was mine !'

When he returned to the UK, we lived at my parents house for a couple of weeks before moving into a rented flat a few miles away from my parents house.

Neither of us wants children and still don't. He finallyhad his vasectomy in 2011 aged 48.

I see what you're saying. He is Dutch, but his family always speak English in front of me, and they've been very welcoming to me. They even invited me on their ski trip etc. he is always saying how great they think I am, as does he (no narcissism intended).

I have already said I would move to NL with him if he wanted to, but he wants to stay in London.
I don't think it's a take it or leave it situation- he doesn't want me to wait for him if having kids is important, which in not sure it is. And I would equally be scared if he wanted all of that in the near future. I love him very much and would never want him to be unhappy. He is a fantastic guy, and I never believed that he could love me so much, that I think maybe I took it all for granted.

OP, I can see the not wanting to end a relationship just because their might not be any children, especially if you yourself aren't in that place yet where you categorically know that this is what you want now

But this isn't the only reason is it? you want commitment, and he's made it clear that that isn't what he wants. Is this relationship so good that you are happy to only have it on a part time basis until he finds the person he wants to settle down with?

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to rush into marriage, kids and a mortgage just yet. But there's a difference between seeing someone as your future and not thinking you will ever want to settle down. Saying he never wants to settle down gives a very clear message - he's into you on a part-time basis, but he doesn't love you.

Try and visualise your life in five years time. Where do you see yourself? still meeting up with him only on weekends while your friends are all off building their lives, relationships, families? Do you really think that weekends only is sustainable for ... how long exactly are you prepared to do that for?

I know my relationship where I see my dp weekends only has an end point when ds leaves school, and that is very much worst case scenario. But that was something we discussed very clearly before we even got together, I was very clear that any relationship was on the understanding that, in the event of a serious relationship, I wouldn't be in a position to move because of ds, because I had consciously decided to stay here in order to maintain an equal relationship for ds with both me and xh. We were friends before we got together so he knew the score anyway. So when we realised that we were serious and wanted a future we already knew what the terms of that would have to be.

It sounds to me as if you and your bf have until now been having a lot of fun (nothing wrong with that) but have been happy with things the way they are, until it's got to a point where you decided to talk about where you're going. After a year I'm surprised that his revelation that you are in fact going nowhere in terms of a long-term thing has come as such a surprise. It seems obvious that you haven't had good communication until now if you didn't even have an inkling that this was where his head was at. Not so much in terms of children but definitely in terms of staying together in future.

And you say that you have now ended your relationship, did you not clarify that at the weekend? have you not heard from him? If you were on different pages in terms of future commitment and wanted to stay together you would surely have talk, talk, talked until you had resolved things one way or another. Instead you have just gone your separate ways and stopped communicating?

You know the answers really, right now you may not wish to face them, but they are abundantly clear to anyone reading this thread.

I don't think he's wrong or manipulative as some have said, but I do think that while he may like spending time with you a lot, he doesn't love you or want a future with you. If that's the kind of relationship you want then that is good for now, but can you hold on to it knowing it's just casual and never knowing when it's going to end?

You don't want to move a 35 minute train journey from Surrey to London for him, away from your family and friends.

But you'd move to the Netherlands.

I suppose that does sound a bit strange.

I think we need to talk again when he's ready. I want to figure out how to make it work. Like everybody has said, compromises need to be made. I own my own house and he's renting so I suppose I always looked at that as my security. It doesn't seem very important now. What's the point in owning a house if you've no one to share it with?

Oh dear. You sound a bit desperate now, willing to give up all the things that mattered to you because you don't want to lose him. What is he willing to give up, similarly, to make the relationship work? (Nothing, by the sounds of it. It sounds as though he's let the relationship go already..?)

Although there is a chance that you could move from the position of assuming kids would be part of your future towards not wanting them, it's not something you want to get wrong. By telling you that he's not going to want them for 10 years, he is effectively telling you that he doesn't want them with you. He will KNOW that to start trying for children at the age of 41 is not acceptable for you. So him taking that position is a nice easy 'get out of jail free' card for him; a way of ending it without having him having to be the bad guy.

He's only 27? These days that's really young for a guy and most of them (the ones I've met anyway), certainly aren't thinking marriage, kids, buying a house, settling down at that age.

FWIW I broke up with someone at that age because we were simply on different pages. We were also in different countries, which was a huge part of it, but he's telling you who he is and what he wants and if you're sensible you will listen and act accordingly. That 4-year difference is going to matter if you want a family and he's currently pretty sure he doesn't. Once day maybe he will, but like my ex he may wait until he's 40 to do it - and by then you'll be 44 and that boat may well have sailed. I remember the agony of my break-up, but I have no regrets. You've been together a year. Chalk it up to experience, resolve to have those important conversations a little earlier next time, and move on. That would be my advice.

Hello OP.

I agree that a 35 minute train journey distance isn't really an obstacle to you seeing each other more. I'm a bit puzzled by that

I think you are ready to either move your relationship onto the next level. But is he?

I too had a Dutch DP. In my experience (and I know that this is a huge generalisation) they tend to settle down later over there. And also to be more emotionally intelligent / happy to talk about feelings and stuff than British men. I don'tknow if that is useful info or not

Oh dear it is heart breaking, really really heartbreaking. I have been you, slightly different circumstances but exactly the same emotion.

Whatever the geographical distance there is a world of difference between someone at the peak of enjoying child free life in London and someone for whom settling down with kids in Surrey is starting to appear on their ideal horizon.

I agree he is telling you he is not on the same page at all. This is has nothing to do with how much he loves you, love does not conquer all. Its very hard to hear. In my situation we loved each other very much but the compromise needed to stay together, which would have been fine for some, but simply involved one of us giving up too much of who we were.

20 years on (!!) I'm over the hurt, I still think the love I had with him was spectacular, I've recently refused his request to meet after all this time as I know those feelings could so easily resurface. BUT I know one hundred percent that the life I live now with my husband and DC IS the right one for me.

Good luck op, keep posting if you need to.

I think he's saying that at 27 living the life he lives, the pressure of being your everything is too much.

And by everything I don't mean you have no life aside from him but that your dream for your future and your family would be wrapped up in him being able to imagine how he'll feel in 6 or 7 years time by which time you will be late 30s.

Lexia123, FGS don't pretend to yourself that you don't want a child because you're sad to lose a man or think you won't find love elsewhere - especially as you're 31.

You want a child. Or you wouldn't have started the conversation about he future with him. A year ago (post history!) you thought you were accidentally pregnant and wondered if it were wishful thinking, and said you'd be a bit disappointed not to be. So I think you went into this relationship already hoping it would lead to a family - and nothing wrong with that.

Not every woman wants a child, but do not ever pretend to yourself that you don't, if you do.

If the relationship is great and he's not sure about kids yet, I'd give it another 6 months, if he's clear what you want, for him to think about it. But no more.

This isn't a man saying he's not ready for kids yet. It's a man saying he may not want them at all, and a man with whom you can't work out living together, after a year of good times. That doesn't bode well.

Whatever you do, don't lie to yourself about wanting a man more than a child, until you wake up 40.