Is anybody up at this hour im having a terrible time do you remember me?

[Smallbear86]

Hi does anyone remember me ?
I am sorry to post again I need help and advice.
I left my nasty bastard months ago he worked his way back in again I had a long thread on here about it.
I know its like history repeating itself but I really do need help.
He had changed at bit since last time like he got better once I left him but obvs his feet are back under now and im going through the same shit accept its worse for me mentally.
My dad died on Monday he committed suicide if anyone has experienced this you will know how this feels. I literally have struggled to even get out of bed each day I loved my dad so much he was good to me he had a kind and caring heart.
Im going through hell I cry every Mornjng then put on a happy face after that got no choice.
I lost my job two weeks ago redudant so I've got no money either didn't get a pay out as wasn't there long enough.
So things are bad for me I never have any money as it is not that that is why I'm posting here.
He came back yday and started shouting at me because milk split in the fridge im a tramp apparantley as I haven't cleaned it and his dad was here yday and he could of looked in the fridge and saw what a tramp I was that fridge is virtually brand new blah blah went on and on at me hello my dads just died do I give a fuck what your saying right now?
So I got up this Mornjng my kids went out their dad today he was here with his kids and I said shall we go to this market good few miles from us you know something to do. He didn't want to he wanted to go to some shit shops we always go to as he wanted some CDs.
In the end he said he would take me when we got there he said if this is shit im going to slap you he never would but I know he was in a mood and then he just kept walking off and leaving me turn around and they keep walking off. In the end he stormed off to car and said I had spoilt his and his kids day. I wanted to get the train home but I had ten pound and I didn't know how to get home or anything or where the station was. So I got stuck in the car for an hour and he wouldn't talk to me the whole way back.
He got us some food and then said you can buy your own he got me something snd then asked me did I like my free food even though he eats at mine all the time and I don't ask for anything. I just wasn't in the mood I wanted to come home I wanted to cry.
My dads just died ffs why you doing this to me now for :-(
Im not strong I got home and he left and I got the kids back but all night im thinking get rid of him. I text him told him im so upset about how you treated me today im going through hell he said I know how you feel from when my grandad died no apology nothing. You don't know how I fucking feel you haven't got a clue mate.
I've had one hug and one cup of tea since it happened im not expecting milly coddling but come on.
I know it's my own fault but it's like my brain is brain washed I feel like this will never end for me that's how I feel.

I you don't live with him?

Is it not just easy to dump him then?

"Is it not just easy to dump him then?"

This is one of the most idiotic things I've ever read on MN.

OP, firstly I'm sorry for your loss Secondly, you must realise than you need to get this man out of your life? You must know he's not good for you and is making things worse not better? What's stopping you ending things for good?

Have you ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship before. I did before and he's back again I've even moved house since my last post to start again.

How did he get your new address? Has he moved in with you or does he have his own place?

Im thinking of calling women's aid tomorrow and talking to someone. He does basically live here and goes home to his 'mom' one night a wk.
he doesn't touch me physically but mentally he's gone to town on me.
He did go last time but he always wants me back changes for a bit then goes back to how he was.
Im sorry I just needed someone to talk to has anyone been through this ? How did you find the courage to leave them finally?

I'm sorry, I haven't been through anything like this so I can't help you on that score. But I'm sure calling Women's Aid will be very helpful. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life?

Yes my mom does tell me to leave but very hard inside this situation and only I can change it. Ive let him kill my self esteem and confidence.
My dads death means nothing to him it's like my hamster died. This has made me see how badly he actually does treat me no compassion really you need love at a time like this.
I just don't need this im grieving :-(

Smallbear, my dad committed suicide in June. How you are managing to survive everyday on top of putting up with an abuser is beyond me.

Take things one hour at a time, one step in front of the other. You WILL get through it. Your grief for your dad is just starting, and there are millions of unanswered questions he has left. Many will never be answered, but bit by bit you will make peace with it. Any feeling you have at the moment (anger, resentment, desperation, hatred even) is normal, you need to experience all of them to find the light at the end of the tunnel. And light comes with acceptance. I am not there yet either, but I know it will come.

Your husband/partner(?) is just making things harder by his behaviour, and you are making them even harder with your feelings of shame/horror at letting him do this to you again. But please be kind to yourself: you are at your most vulnerable you have ever been. The situation you are going through is a nightmare and no one could be faulted by not doing things "the right way" in your shoes. The fact you are alive and surviving, and taking care of your kids, and keeping alive is an amazing achievement already.

Please do not try to fix anything right now. Survive. Go on. Eat, drink, hug your children. Your world has been shaken and is in tatters, but it will slowly come together. Do you have any good friends? Please call them and ask them for help... just meeting them for a coffee or a walk in the fresh air will make a massive difference. Bit by bit. There will be setbacks and days where you don't want to wake up in the morning, and even getting out of bed will seem insurmountable. But they too will pass.

Big, big hugs and all my support and love, please PM me if you think I could be of any help.

Have you considered counselling? You could ask your GP. A good counsellor would support you through your grief and could help you rebuild your self esteem.

Good luck.

Thankyou for your post im so sorry your going through this too.
I feel like I'm not myself I don't feel like normal me smiles feel fake like im not inside my own body.
My dad was 52 he jumped off a building I feel like I will never come to terms with it.
I need someone to support me to hold me up not be dragging me down im already on the floor. I was questioning yday should I even be here myself what's the point no one gives a shit.
I do have friends they have been in touch but not much today and yesterday im still in the same fog I was Monday if anything I feel worse.
He's treating it like I should just be over it his grandad died last month and he cried all the time I supported him but this what im going through isn't the same. He thinks I should be acting the same as him and I feel the same feelings no i don't.
My feelings just do not matter. I get scared to go to bed and scared to sleep too x

Now this when I should tell him to go I know I'm at my weakest but now I've lost my dad and he still talking to me and treating me like this it's so awful I just want him to hug me or ask if I'm ok act concerned like he loves me but he doesn't.
Wish I had money because I would get in the car tomorrow and leave and get away from him.

If you had all the money in the world, he would still follow you, and would you tell him to stop? Tell him to leave?

You need to somehow find the strength to tell him to leave. You're still hoping he'll become the person you want - someone who will love you, support you and hug you. But he won't. I'm sorry but he never will.

Sorry - my internet just went woogly.

You're quite right - you need to phone Women's Aid tomorrow. You've left him before and you can do it again once you've talked to someone about things.

Good luck tomorrow and let us know how you get on.

Get rid of him.

And then grieve for your dad.

• split up with him - of course. (You're not the one who has to leave,)

You are right Emma people don't change you hope that they will but they won't.
He says I love you but words mean Nothing. I used to love him so much but lately I don't even want to be by him because he's ugly on the inside.

Cozie I remember you from before sorry that I'm
Back.
I hope I don't get a backlash on here because I honestly can not cope with that.

You're getting there OP. I'm sure everyone will be rooting for you. This time you can get rid of him for good. Do it, then delete and block him. Make sure he can't get your address or contact details.

I know what he will
Say when I tell him to go he will say I'm not thinking straight because my dads died but I would rather be alone and grieve for my dad than be walking on eggshells ,cooking for him and all the other things he makes me do. Yes my house is a mess right now but I don't care.
I can live in this mess all week if I want to if he isn't here but tomorrow I will have to clean it all because he is coming and he shouts at me if it's messy. I will end up losing it soon really losing it and I don't want that to happen he will want to call me crazy and all those other things he says to get to me.
I want to just get the most strength I can tomorrow and tell him to come and get his stuff.

Why should you get a 'backlash', lass? It can be really really difficult splitting with someone for good.

The best thing to do is to ring him up, break it off and then avoid him while you can. The belongings are an issue, but can you save it for another day? The key is to control what happens, in the face of him wanting to ring up, text or come round, YOU decide what happens. Don't answer the phone, don't read or respond to the texts. If you can get his friend or your friend to handle the belongings, so much the better.

As you have said, he is not a good man. The treatment is appalling and you are completely right to get rid. The sooner the better in fact. So sorry about your dad as well xxx

Smallbear I am very sorry to hear about your dad and that your piece of shit partner is using it as an opportunity to mentally abuse you even more. There is honestly no hope of him redeeming himself and coming good if he can stoop as low as you describe. I wonder if he might be a psychopath? It might be worth reading about the traits just in case, as if you do see him in there it might strengthen your resolve to finally cut him out of your life. Not that it matters much as he's clearly a heartless monster. I don't remember your previous thread but well done for getting away from this situation once - now you know you can do it and the tricks he pulls to reel you back in when you do. Have you done the Freedom Programme or at least read the book? You can do it online but if you were able to attend a group, it might be a good way in for you to access other services around processing your grief over your dads passing. Also second calling Women's Aid. I never did and to this day don't know why I didn't feel able to tap into such a vital resource.

Smallbear, my friend's dad commited suicide and it's something she's never got over. Who ever could? And this has only just happened to you. My dad died at 53, and I was in a terrible place then, mentally. It's so easy to say "just leave", but when it's an emotionally abusive relationship and something horrific like a parent commiting suicide happens on topof that, you are so emotional fragile it's no where near so simple. I would defintely ring women's aid - they are professionals who will be able to help you with some excellent, excellent advice and words of comfort.

The only thing I would say, is that your children would want you happen. If not for yourself, leave for your children - they need to see you being strong, that it's not ok to accept being treated like that. If your child came to you and said "mum, this man, he's telling me he's going to hit me, he calls me a tramp, should I stay with him?", what would you say to them?

xx

Honey, be strong - we are here for you - you CAN do this. Stick to those words "I want you to take your things and leave. They will be on the doorstep by x time if you don't". Don't deviate. Don't listen to him. Say nothing else. Just stick to that. You can do this, it'll be ok xxx

Or even better, just bag up all his stuff, and leave them outside. That way you won;t have to talk to him.