Scared

[leavemealone2015]

Tonight dh and I had a row. I had moved some 18 rated video games which belong to dh out of the way of ds so he could not play them ..just before school started this term. I have previously moved them a couple of times and had initially today forgotten what I had last done with them as I have been away all week and it just wasn't in my head.
Dh asked me where they were and I said where I had last seen them ..true but didn't say I had moved them again as he would probably be quite angry that I had moved them at all. I was going to bring them in and just ' find them' nearby and ask him to keep them out of the way. I explained a couple of times they had been squashed behind the cabinet and underneath the cabinet and I wasn't sure if he had done that or maybe ds had seen or hidden them.
When ds came down, DJ started going on about how ' she has moved the games ' and she said it was you, ds' I said no, I just didn't know why they were in all different places and could they stay upstairs. Ds , initially joking, then started getting quite worked up and kept saying to me' swear you haven't moved them etc etc' with DH there going on as well, and I felt very intimidated by DH and if I now confessed to knowing where they were he would go ballistic and be angry toward me in front of ds so I just said I last saw them in the corner and wouldn't say more. DH meanwhile was getting more angry and just kept saying she's lying and ds was saying you are lying . Ds went off upset because I had ' lied ' and knew where they were or maybe was upset because DH was angry and this appeared to be my fault. Dh had gone out for five minutes and ds declared he wasn't speaking to me as I had lied and seemed upset which is very unusual , and I had to explain that they were unsuitable games for him and I hadn't really wanted a big discussion about it but had moved them for his benefit but would obviously return them to Dh. Dh came back in, still fuming and I asked him to just tone it down as ds was upset and for him not to have arguments in front of ds for no reason as it was unfair, and not to be so aggressive in his arguing towards me. I actually said to him, don't say another word about it or I will call the police. No idea why I even said that it just came out. I have never called 999 or even threatened to call the police in my life.
Ds wouldn't speak to me, he and Dh started watching TV quite normally and amicably and I then went into another room. I started wTching X factor but just started to feel overwhelmed and wanted to get outside so pretended I was popping to the shop. I got in my car and just seemed to be overwhelmed with sort of agitation and anxiety and started to cry out loud..not like normal tears but sort of panic loud tears . I was saying'I don't know' repeatedly and 'Oh dear' and drove off for a few minutes to calm down then realised I had nowhere to go and had to come back.
It was all really odd and the only time I have felt similar is when I was told my dad had died suddenly and I was so shocked. The feeling I had was I was just so scared of Dh..he didn't do anything but he has this unpredictable air and gets so angry especially when someone does something ' on purpose' And mainly towards me I just felt terrified. I know I hate conflict and don't tolerate it well and he didn't hit me or anything so I don't know how much was fear and how much was just overwhelming confusion that I hadn't done anything wrong and upset at feeling scared in my own home.Later Dh said I had 'behaved really badly ' by taking his possessions.
I can't fully process it all yet but if you can just give some thoughts I will be grateful. I reassured ds that the games were sorted and I moved them to prevent him playing with them one day when I was at work and have returned the games to Dh with instruction not to leave them lying around again. As usual, Dh has spent the rest of the evening joking with ds and I have been gutted. Please help me to make sense of all this.
As another small example, I accidentally made a hole in a laundry bag last week ironing on a name tag ..Dh had got it from e bay brand new for ds. I completely panicked, have not told Dh, bought another one and am still dreading when he finds out I have ruined it. What to do?

emma bless your cottons, let it all out. 'Pats head'

Can't say you are an advertisement for what gaming does to the pscyhe, gamerchick. You would get really angry if someone moved your games. You think the response to being legitimately anxious about something that would make 99% of the population anxious is "take meds". I particularly love the "there is a happy out there for all of us". Does that come in a framed version too so it can go on the kitchen wall right beside "Eat Pray Love" ?

I don't tend to get angry in general so no if someone is suffering from anxiety to the point it paralyses them to that extent then yeah pills might help.

Gamerchick, when the problem is mainly one person, that's not a pill situation - that might help to mask the problem, or it might bring side-effects which wouldn't help. Meanwhile your first post suggested it's fine to get angry at people for disturbing the fine art of gaming ("I would go nuts"), whether you realise you get angry or not. Like the OP, my DH has tidied (and in fact lost, argh!) my games in the past and I've never been angry at him for it. I can't imagine being scared of him, or if I ever was, it would be something I'd bring up easily. This is not a healthy relationship and pills aren't the helpful answer.

Ps the games aren't the issue here either, obviously. She was fucking terrified of breaking something as well. This isn't normal and your responses are blithely unhelpful.

If someone hid something belonging to me and then lied about knowing where they are it would be very frustrating. I doubt there's anyone on this thread would just shrug it off either.

If someone reacts that strongly to what should have been a simple conversation and gets that upset then yes I would recommend pills. Those pills will take away that strong flight response and then a person can take steps to get rid of the arsehole that's making them scared to that extent. I take them they're marvellous things.

It's as though you've read and responded to only 5% of what the OP has written gamer.

You're telling her, "Your behaviour is wrong, your reaction is wrong" when neither is true.

JESUS it's like talking to a brick wall.

gamerchick I once threw out 18+ games and a lot of porn magazines, disks etc,.. I had initially been tolerant, had requested they were kept somewhere out of sight. It was only when I found DS1 aged 4 pushing a disk into the computer that I finally saw red. But then I was not living in constant fear. I was though having my perfectly reasonable concerns and opinions undermined by a pathetic, selfish, and disrespectful man.

Of course one can take meds that will treat the very real emotional and physical effects of anxiety. However the meds do not treat the underlying cause of the anxiety. No one should be doped up so they can endure a shitty life. Putting chemicals into ones body is no marvelous thing.

Leave you do seem to be a very sensitive person, I suspect that your DH uses this to his own advantage. It won't get better. You now have a dynamic going on, that possibly very much suits this bully, and so, no he won't change. He is living the life isn't he, why would he.

Don't take the advice to get meds. Your GP can refer you for counselling, that really is the best starting point. Only then will you start to fully apprehend the situation. It may feel a whole lot worse initially, but eventually it will give you the strength and clear sighted thinking you need to end this marriage.

Yes talking to people who obsessively play games, is like talking to a brickwall, I should know i lived with one for years! it can addle their brains. That's why these games are rated I guess!

I had a colleague in a similar situation who had a DS aged 16. For a long time she knew she had to leave and always changed her mind at the last minute. Things didn't improve and she eventually ended up leaving their home abruptly after a huge row. Her DS was shocked and distraught and stayed with his dad for quite a while and it took some serious work on her part to mend their relationship. Things are much better now, but I guess what I'm trying to say is to get some support to help you plan your leaving (if that's what you decide to do) to help bring your DS along with you.

Have you got any family or close or friends who could help you? It might do no harm to speak to a solicitor as well - first interview is usually free and even if you decide to stay they can make your options clearer.

Good luck !

Feeling pretty fed up. Can't speak to Dh it's very difficult to speak to him.
I don't see my options are very good ; I feel trapped as he is more dominant and manipulative than me and I can't see how I can be a winner in this situation and don't want to risk losing ds .

Have you called Women's Aid yet? Sorry to go on about it, but they will be able to talk through the options with you - they might have useful info you didn't know about. And they will be able to advise you on the situation with your son. I'm sure you wouldn't lose him and they will be able to advise properly on that.

Would reaching out to someone outside your marriage initially help? Maybe a family member or a professional (maybe GP or private counsellor). If nothing else it could give you someone safe to offload to while you sort things out. Would your family be surprised if you were to tell them how unhappy you are?

My colleague had a happy ending - her DS is 19 now and spends most of his time with her. She has her own (rented) place and a good job. The transformation in her is quite incredible; she's just annoyed it took so long for her to do it.

In terms of "being a winner" I suppose it depends what you mean. I think getting away from him would make you a "winner" in terms of being free from him abuse and control! But you're probably right to say that it's very hard to beat him at his own power games. To break away I think you will need advice and support from somewhere, whether it's Women's Aid, a counsellor and/or family/friend. And you will need a solicitor for the legal and financial side of things. WA can probably recommend solicitors with experience of dealing with situations like yours.

Emma's right, call Women's Aid the first chance you get.

I mean with ds.am away at work now. exhausted.

I have decided to see a clinical psychologist wrt coping better. I notice I get paralysed with hopelessness after this sort of row and recover a few days later. My weekend was ruined by maybe I need to look at my own resilience and coping mechanisms.

Leave getting some professional help is an excellent plan. You can the decide what is the right course of action for you and your DS. Good luck

I suspect that if you get better coping mechanisms then he will attack those more effectively.

I never learn. I trust him and each time is a big shock. I end up hopeless and virtually suicidal and he is laughing .

I thought of a life coach and I am thinking about WA. The clinical psychologist I have found specialises in anxiety, self esteem issues and CBT. I think it will help. When me and Dh got together a long time ago, I was the more confident one and he was really placid. It's odd how now I am so scared of him ..I couldn't have predicted that in the early days. I have heard from his family he was a bully at school though.

Just sending massive hugs. If you can, keep posting (carefully) and know that other people will hear you.

Leave he's really worked a number on you. You are, currently, stuck in an abusive relationship and it's negatively impacting on you and DC. Get the help you need to start rebuilding your confidence, resilience and self-esteem. Take it one step at a time and keep coming here when you can