Tonight dh and I had a row. I had moved some 18 rated video games which belong to dh out of the way of ds so he could not play them ..just before school started this term. I have previously moved them a couple of times and had initially today forgotten what I had last done with them as I have been away all week and it just wasn't in my head.
Dh asked me where they were and I said where I had last seen them ..true but didn't say I had moved them again as he would probably be quite angry that I had moved them at all. I was going to bring them in and just ' find them' nearby and ask him to keep them out of the way. I explained a couple of times they had been squashed behind the cabinet and underneath the cabinet and I wasn't sure if he had done that or maybe ds had seen or hidden them.
When ds came down, DJ started going on about how ' she has moved the games ' and she said it was you, ds' I said no, I just didn't know why they were in all different places and could they stay upstairs. Ds , initially joking, then started getting quite worked up and kept saying to me' swear you haven't moved them etc etc' with DH there going on as well, and I felt very intimidated by DH and if I now confessed to knowing where they were he would go ballistic and be angry toward me in front of ds so I just said I last saw them in the corner and wouldn't say more. DH meanwhile was getting more angry and just kept saying she's lying and ds was saying you are lying . Ds went off upset because I had ' lied ' and knew where they were or maybe was upset because DH was angry and this appeared to be my fault. Dh had gone out for five minutes and ds declared he wasn't speaking to me as I had lied and seemed upset which is very unusual , and I had to explain that they were unsuitable games for him and I hadn't really wanted a big discussion about it but had moved them for his benefit but would obviously return them to Dh. Dh came back in, still fuming and I asked him to just tone it down as ds was upset and for him not to have arguments in front of ds for no reason as it was unfair, and not to be so aggressive in his arguing towards me. I actually said to him, don't say another word about it or I will call the police. No idea why I even said that it just came out. I have never called 999 or even threatened to call the police in my life.
Ds wouldn't speak to me, he and Dh started watching TV quite normally and amicably and I then went into another room. I started wTching X factor but just started to feel overwhelmed and wanted to get outside so pretended I was popping to the shop. I got in my car and just seemed to be overwhelmed with sort of agitation and anxiety and started to cry out loud..not like normal tears but sort of panic loud tears . I was saying'I don't know' repeatedly and 'Oh dear' and drove off for a few minutes to calm down then realised I had nowhere to go and had to come back.
It was all really odd and the only time I have felt similar is when I was told my dad had died suddenly and I was so shocked. The feeling I had was I was just so scared of Dh..he didn't do anything but he has this unpredictable air and gets so angry especially when someone does something ' on purpose' And mainly towards me I just felt terrified. I know I hate conflict and don't tolerate it well and he didn't hit me or anything so I don't know how much was fear and how much was just overwhelming confusion that I hadn't done anything wrong and upset at feeling scared in my own home.Later Dh said I had 'behaved really badly ' by taking his possessions.
I can't fully process it all yet but if you can just give some thoughts I will be grateful. I reassured ds that the games were sorted and I moved them to prevent him playing with them one day when I was at work and have returned the games to Dh with instruction not to leave them lying around again. As usual, Dh has spent the rest of the evening joking with ds and I have been gutted. Please help me to make sense of all this.
As another small example, I accidentally made a hole in a laundry bag last week ironing on a name tag ..Dh had got it from e bay brand new for ds. I completely panicked, have not told Dh, bought another one and am still dreading when he finds out I have ruined it. What to do?