Scared

[leavemealone2015]

Tonight dh and I had a row. I had moved some 18 rated video games which belong to dh out of the way of ds so he could not play them ..just before school started this term. I have previously moved them a couple of times and had initially today forgotten what I had last done with them as I have been away all week and it just wasn't in my head.
Dh asked me where they were and I said where I had last seen them ..true but didn't say I had moved them again as he would probably be quite angry that I had moved them at all. I was going to bring them in and just ' find them' nearby and ask him to keep them out of the way. I explained a couple of times they had been squashed behind the cabinet and underneath the cabinet and I wasn't sure if he had done that or maybe ds had seen or hidden them.
When ds came down, DJ started going on about how ' she has moved the games ' and she said it was you, ds' I said no, I just didn't know why they were in all different places and could they stay upstairs. Ds , initially joking, then started getting quite worked up and kept saying to me' swear you haven't moved them etc etc' with DH there going on as well, and I felt very intimidated by DH and if I now confessed to knowing where they were he would go ballistic and be angry toward me in front of ds so I just said I last saw them in the corner and wouldn't say more. DH meanwhile was getting more angry and just kept saying she's lying and ds was saying you are lying . Ds went off upset because I had ' lied ' and knew where they were or maybe was upset because DH was angry and this appeared to be my fault. Dh had gone out for five minutes and ds declared he wasn't speaking to me as I had lied and seemed upset which is very unusual , and I had to explain that they were unsuitable games for him and I hadn't really wanted a big discussion about it but had moved them for his benefit but would obviously return them to Dh. Dh came back in, still fuming and I asked him to just tone it down as ds was upset and for him not to have arguments in front of ds for no reason as it was unfair, and not to be so aggressive in his arguing towards me. I actually said to him, don't say another word about it or I will call the police. No idea why I even said that it just came out. I have never called 999 or even threatened to call the police in my life.
Ds wouldn't speak to me, he and Dh started watching TV quite normally and amicably and I then went into another room. I started wTching X factor but just started to feel overwhelmed and wanted to get outside so pretended I was popping to the shop. I got in my car and just seemed to be overwhelmed with sort of agitation and anxiety and started to cry out loud..not like normal tears but sort of panic loud tears . I was saying'I don't know' repeatedly and 'Oh dear' and drove off for a few minutes to calm down then realised I had nowhere to go and had to come back.
It was all really odd and the only time I have felt similar is when I was told my dad had died suddenly and I was so shocked. The feeling I had was I was just so scared of Dh..he didn't do anything but he has this unpredictable air and gets so angry especially when someone does something ' on purpose' And mainly towards me I just felt terrified. I know I hate conflict and don't tolerate it well and he didn't hit me or anything so I don't know how much was fear and how much was just overwhelming confusion that I hadn't done anything wrong and upset at feeling scared in my own home.Later Dh said I had 'behaved really badly ' by taking his possessions.
I can't fully process it all yet but if you can just give some thoughts I will be grateful. I reassured ds that the games were sorted and I moved them to prevent him playing with them one day when I was at work and have returned the games to Dh with instruction not to leave them lying around again. As usual, Dh has spent the rest of the evening joking with ds and I have been gutted. Please help me to make sense of all this.
As another small example, I accidentally made a hole in a laundry bag last week ironing on a name tag ..Dh had got it from e bay brand new for ds. I completely panicked, have not told Dh, bought another one and am still dreading when he finds out I have ruined it. What to do?

CatMilkMan, can you not see that a) she wasn't hiding anything from her husband and b) that she's terrified of him?

A couple of £'s?? And he'll raise a stink because you managed to melt a bit of it while ironing on a name tag?

Can you not see how ludicrous it is that you should expend so much time and energy on being afraid that he might see the damage you inadvertently caused to an item that cost a couple of quid and take his resulting anger out on you?

What would he be like if you crashed his car? He'd probably need a straight-jacket and a couple of months on a locked ward

Catmilkman - cant you see that being too scared to tell someone a reasonable truth like 'I moved your games because they were over 18s' is a problem in a relationship? That its not just a single issue thing - the OP didnt just wake up scared of this man all of a sudden. That the working up and recruitment of the OPs son into the parents argument is a deliberate act on the DHs part? That the OP being so scared of her DHs reaction over an 8.99 bag getting damaged that she's devoting hugely disproportionate time and energy to concealing it?

The person to blame here is not the one having anxiety attacks and hiding trivial issues because she is genuinely afraid of her husbands disproportionate reaction. The problem is the person who is creating this situation

I forgot to say he took away my I pad from then until when I started the thread.

As another small example, I accidentally made a hole in a laundry bag last week ironing on a name tag ..Dh had got it from e bay brand new for ds. I completely panicked

You are walking on eggshells, OP. If you are this afraid about an accident to a laundry bag, then it is not surprising that you had the kind of reaction that you had in the car. Being around someone who is abusive can unhinge you. The only cure is to remove yourself from the situation.

You were not wrong to remove the games. [CatMilkMan, the OP was concerned that some X-rated video games should not be accessible to her DS].

It may be helpful to have a look at some of the links at the top of this thread.

He took your i-pad away after shouting the odds about the games? Why did he do that? What justification did he give for depriving you of your i-pad?

Has he gone to bed? Is that when you were able to recover it and post here?

Leavemealone2015

It's pretty obvious by the way you write that you're a thoughtful person and that you'd never do anything wrong deliberately. You've done nothing more than make a couple of very minor and perfectly human mistakes, the sort of thing most of us do on a daily regular basis. Were I in your shoes, your DH's likely reaction is not one I'd see as justified (not these days, anyway). When you do have a free moment, read back through the posts in the Relationships section of MN - there's stuff there that's really helped me in the past.

It's not you, it's him.

He sounds extremely frightening. You are probably terrified, deeply sad and furiously angry at his absolutely horrible and unacceptable behaviour. If you're not you should be! But you might be forcing yourself to suppress these feelings, maybe without even realising they are there sometimes, because it is just not safe to feel and express them directly at the moment. We need to feel secure to feel and express our feelings properly. Do you feel secure? Of course you don't! You're living with someone who is so scary that you can't tell him when you make a routine mistake because he would go ballistic. Feelings have to go somewhere and if they cannot be identified and expressed directly they do often transform into the kind of intense anxiety and panic you describe.

It's not unusual to react this way when things are dangerous and cumulatively stressful. It's often a coping mechanism that you are using to keep yourself safe- your mind and body are flashing constant danger signals at you and, as someone else said below, in humans, like other animals, this fear triggers a fight, flight or freeze response. It would not usually be wise to fight with an aggressive, angry man so your options are to escape when/if you can or to freeze/dissociate when you cannot physically escape in the hope that you will not be noticed or will at least feel numbed to the great pain being inflicted on you. These are all clever and appropriate responses to danger but such responses can become habitual and take a huge toll on emotional health. You are not allowed to feel your real feelings and a constant state of anxiety emerges instead. Please know this: there is nothing "wrong" with you. You are not going mad. But there is a lot wrong with your situation. There is a lot wrong with the fact that you feel in danger from your husband. You may need help to access and express your feelings to help armour yourself to change the situation, almost certainly by getting rid of him so you can live your life fully again. Sympathetic friends, sisters, mums, mumsnet, therapists, women's aid among others can be very, very helpful with this. Much good luck and love to you.

You hid something of his and then lied about it so he couldn't find them, get a grip and stop hiding his property without talking to him.

Did you actually read her post? and this is your response? I could tell you you clearly think abusive behaviour is ok as long as there is an "excuse" for it and therefore you need to take a serious look at yourself.

But apart from that what an unkind response you gave to a woman who is clearly having a very hard evening. Shame on you.

OP you are in a toxic relationship. In normal relationship you'd text your husband "oh shit I tried to put a label on the laundry bag and now it has a hole - I'm a klutz :)" or similar and it would become a funny story. That is how normal families work. families where one person is frightened of the other work like yours. It is not normal to feel frightened of your partner - at all. ever. even if you hid something of his (which you didn't). Talk to someone in real life about this.

In a normal relationship that conversation would go:

"Have you seen those games? I can't find them."
"Oh yes, sorry I forgot to tell you that I moved them upstairs. I kept finding them everywhere and was worried DS was playing with them."
"Ah okay."

The real issue here is you walking on eggshells around your husband. You shouldn't be scared to tell him anything, that's no way to live.

(For what it's worth, I know what it's like, I used to have one who would rant and rave because I'd innocently moved something, and I remember driving to sit in Tescos car park and crying because I didn't want to go home.)

OP please get some help, speak to Women's Aid or someone you trust. If you are so frightens of your H that you lie and blame your child something needs to change and urgently.

CatMilkMan She didn't hide them and has confessed to being scared by her bullying & controlling dh...

Stop being a bully yourself, and if you can't, or can't say something helpful, back off.

Oh OP, he sounds like my Ex. I started getting panic attacks when I was 24, and it went on from there, gradually getting worse as each year went by. Please listen to the good advice on here.

I used to sit in the car and cry after I dropped the kids at school because I didn't want to go home and I had nowhere else to go.

I know its difficult with school age DC but is there any way you can get away, have a break? It helps to understand a situation when you can step away from it.

Well just going from the post, if my partner moved and hid my belongings and wouldn't admit to it it would drive me mad! He shouldn't have involved your son though that's pretty awful.
There must be more to this? Is he a bully? Do you often lie to him?
If he is a bully then your reaction is completely understandable.
perhaps seek help from your gp

Zame

Well just going from the post, if my partner moved and hid my belongings and wouldn't admit to it it would drive me mad!

The games shouldn't have been where they were so of course she was entitled to move them. I'm assuming you don't have children, or at least, if you do, you have perfect children who never, ever do anything they shouldn't. If he'd left some cannabis or porn lying around would your reaction be the same? "That wife of mine, she's constantly moving my porn out of the front room! It drives me mad!" That 18 rating symbol isn't there to make the box look pretty.

you have a right to live in peace and free from fear. if you cannot do that with this man, can you stop living with him ?

How are you doing this morning, OP?

I am downstairs with ds watching a film. I should have gone to church today but I don't have it in me. Before this all happened Dh wanted to go out for lunch today. I am not going to go and it's not booked so it's really up to him what he does. I have not seen him yet he is in the garden. I predict he will be normal but might be stroppy when lunch is discussed. On a normal Sunday I would be expected to check with ds , book it and let them know. If no lunch out, then to cook it.
I am still feeling nervous and disappointed.
Last weekend my Dh went away for the weekend which is very rare. I was home with ds and it was literally the best weekend I have ever had it was lovely. I could make all my own choices about what to do. Today now I will have to constantly agree with him, see what he wants to do etc.
I remembered something else from yesterday. He came in and said great I have a new loo brush for oldest ds house. I just smiled or something. He immediately kicked off ' what's the matter with you??' I said I didn't say anything. He said no but you made a face like you are chewing a brick.i said well ds wants to sort his house out himself. Dh said you can't have a house without a loo brush are you mad etc'
You just have to agree with him when he is on about certain things.

I have seen him. He is calm. I told him I made a hole in the laundry bag. He said' you wrecked it?' But that was all.

Actually, the way you responded over the toilet brush would have annoyed me, too. It sounded like you were a bit passive aggressive there. Do you really think your DS would object to having that bought for him?

I didn't say anything. I just didn't look interested that's all. You have to agree with him about everything straight away or there's a problem.

There are bound to be squabbles irritations and disagreements that is not why I am posting here. I'm posting because of his reaction and behaviour which was angry and disproportionate and aggressive and I was upset and scared. I am sure I can be annoying at times, in fact that is my only retaliation after something like this. On a normal stretch I am helpful agreeable.

Op, even if you annoy him or anyone it is not acceptable to feel scared or anxious.
I'm having my own problems with my DH but I know living in fear or even having what sounds like a panic attack (which is common so don't worry) is a sign you need to address this issue.
Imagine being free all the time as you were when he went away for the weekend. It's a good feeling isn't it? Why not make that decision?

Thanks for the update OP, it's great that you're still posting.
"Last weekend my Dh went away for the weekend which is very rare. I was home with ds and it was literally the best weekend I have ever had it was lovely."
This is what your life would always be like if you broke free of him.

I think your reaction was because you finally realised he is an abusive cunt.

I think you need to get away from him as soon as you can.