I'm so unhappy being married.

[Bettybooby]

I'm feeling ever so hopeless
Dh and I haven't been intimate for about a year now. I think he has some underlying hate for me. He's always picking at me telling me off, bossing me around. He puts me down in snide ways and just doesn't make me happy. I'm always trying to over compensate by being extra happy but it's wearing me down.
I met up with an old male friend recently.. nothing happened. Although it was a boost to my confidence as he told me I looked beautiful and all that kind of nice stuff I hadn't heard for so long. Nothing will ever happen between us but it really made me realise I deserve more in life.
I tried leaving dh before but he got so nasty and demanded he had the dc's in a way which felt threatening.
I believe he's only with me because he doesn't want to be apart from the dc's.
We have separate rooms and hardly talk.
I wouldn't cope financially without him.
I feel so trapped.
What can I do?

I'm so sorry. Have you any family that can help? Women's aid should be able to offer you advice.

Life's too short to put up with this. Have you suggested couples counseling to find out why he's so horrible towards you? Has it always been like this?

You are in an abusive relationship. Your husband sounds vile. I'm not surprised your emotions were stirred positively by your male friend.

You have got choices, you can get out but it's very difficult to take the leap.

There will be refuges in your area, they may offer you and your DC a roof until you get accommodated by the council.

Obviously you will get benefits and Child Maintenance.

Have you got skills or career experience that you could use to get a job?

I'm currently working on rebuilding my career. This is very recent after my little confidence boost. I just think of the upheaval and wonder if it's worth it. My family aren't supportive, they're distant.
We tried counselling but I didn't find it helped. Eventually we just went back to how we were.
It's strange as dh is friendly too. It's just almost as though it's an act.
It hasn't always been like this. It seems as he gets older he becomes more miserable. He's quite bitter with life. I'm hanging on to my sunny positive self but it's starting to fade now after so many years. I refuse to let him take away who I am.

Couples counselling isn't recommended when there is abuse, it was never going to help.
Leave him & start afresh, penniless is better than abused & unhappy.

He also refused to leave our house which we rent last time I tried to separate. I cant move house. I have no money. There's nowhere he could go either. I'm also really bad at managing money. For the past few years he's managed it all. This means every penny I spend is scrutinised. I told him I'd spent £6 yesterday and it was £7. He was so annoyed with me. Another example was that I gave ds a food for dinner I should've remembered he didn't like and as a result it was wasted. He 'told me off' three times for this. I know it's stupid little things but they are really wearing me down.
I never thought it was abuse I thought I was just living with a miserable git

Ffs, please get out now before you are completely worn down. This is not the environment to bring up DC.

You can learn to manage money. Don't fall into the trap of labelling yourself "I am this sort of person [in your case, bad with money]" for a skill you can learn.

It suits him to be in charge of the money and control you that way. It's called financial abuse. You are in a very unhealthy relationship. I think you would find yourself very well able to cope without him.

Oh this is financial abuse as well. Other people manage to start again, OP, but if you've been living with this constant criticism for years it is understandable that you have no confidence left.

What is the evidence for you being bad with money? Most of us are bad with money when we don't have children or don't have to worry where it comes from.

A while back I posted 'is this financial abuse' or something similar and everyone concluded it wasn't. I am a spend now worry later person but since dh came along I've not had to worry as he took care of it. Or spend it, come to think of it.
That doesn't mean we're wealthy. Every penny is accounted for and I don't have any - it all goes in his account. He bloody dissects my shopping list and if I need to buy clothes or things he usually says no.
I just want to be independent. I now have my foot in the door of the company I've always wanted to work at. However without him I wouldn't be able to get there as I don't drive and there are no busses (very very rural here) It really is like I'm trapped.

Ypu can choose to be trapped. Or not.
Learn to drive.
Move into town. You rent so ypu can move. Borrow the deposit. There is always a way.

I disagree with previous Mn findings on the matter of financial abuse. And again, you're saying you're a type of person about money, but it's quite an unfortunate way of framing it, because saying that's the sort of person you are makes it seem unchangeable, and actually money skills can be learnt, confidence can be grown, independence can be taken. So try not to look at it as an unalterable personality trait.

What about getting a moped? Learning to drive? What about looking into moving with the dc?

Where is your wage going to go? You need to open your own bank account. You can open a basic account online and have your money paid into it.

I have no money. Seriously. If I could learn to drive I would. I've wanted to for years! And of course I'd move house too but again how would I pay? Last time I tried to separate I did open an account in my name. It has all of 30p in it.
It's embarrassing. All money goes in to dh's account.
I may have to put the dream job on hold and just take anything I can. I have plenty of skills. When he asks for my wages I'll have to tell him I want him to leave and he's not having them.
So..
How do I broach the subject with him? I get the idea he'd really like his own space..maybe I could suggest he'd be happier moving into a flat nearby. Dreading it!

It's a matter of having it paid into your account and taking charge of your life. Not giving him your wages. If he's violent, then you need to get women's aid and the police involved.

If you get credits, you can have them paid in, if you're main carer, have the child benefit paid in. If you weren't with him, what would you be entitled to? There are online calculators to help.

It's not going to be easy, but you are not trapped, you can get out.

He IS violent! He may not (I hope?) hit you but this is violence and it is now recognised by law as such.

Whose idea was it to move to the back of beyond? Whose idea was it to starve you of every single penny so you literally have no power, no means to learn to drive to get away from the prison he has created? Whose idea was it to criticise every tiny thing about you? Are your really crap with money, or is that his interpretation?

You are in an abusive relationship - proper, not on the cusp. Call women's aid 0808 2000 247 and get them onside asap. It is a24/7 helpline but lines tend to be busy during the day so try to call at night if you can, 7pm-7am. If you can't do that then email them giving safe times to call - they will help you, they are the experts in domestic abuse.

Somewhere along the line, when you've got out from this hideously controlling, soul-destroying relationship you'll get the chance to do the Freedom Programme - where you will find out all about your husband; you will find out about the Jailer, the Headworker, the financial abuser , amongst other things. In fact, look at their site, click 'find a course' to find a course near you, contact the facilitator who may be able to pick you up and take you. DON'T TELL HIM IF YOU GO. Do you have adequate clothes to wear?

It is excruciating to think of children in this poisonous home - you don't mention them, do you have children? It so, please please please get them out. You all need to be away from this terrible man. 'Miserable git' doesn't begin to cover it.

Do you know how to delete your internet history? Women's Aid website will show you how if so. Don't talk to him, don't explain anything to him: you don't need his permission to leave him - he's not your dad (tho he clearly thinks he is). He has infantalised you, turned you into a child - all the better for him to control. I notice in all these years you are still renting - whose idea is that?

Men like this want a silent servant and will ruthlessly punish you if you don't comply. He's probably frustrated you're not getting the hint after all this time but continues to grind you down in every way possible to five the message home to stfu and get on with serving him.

You think he's not this bad? Think again.

Keep posting. As you start getting your power back he will reacte - either aggressively or general drama in many forms: he'll be losing control and he won't like it, he'll pull out all the stops to get you back in line; his tactics will be highly effective. Get as much support as you can -- women's aid, freedom programme, on here - before that. Search out all important financial documents, passport's etc and store them/copies somewhere secret, preferably away room the home. You'll have to plan getting out, he won't let you go easily.

If you think he's 'not this bad' then think why a grown woman pines for years and years to do something as ordinary as learning to drive. And what's stopping her?

Are you sure you're bad with money? Have you always thought this or is it something that's been drummed into you by your tight husband?

Oh God, I've just seen you do have children

He won't get the children, that's a threat abusers use to keep their victim under lock and key. Really, he WON'T get the children! It sounds like you've been at home with the kids and done the lions share of parenting - he won't get the kids. He hasn't a hope of it.

Women's aid will put you in touch with a solicitor who understands this sort of relationship - you will get legal representation free bcs you are experiencing domestic abuse. Which you can prove eg zero access to finances. Before that you will anyway get the first half free to see what your rights are - they get through a LOT in half an hour.

Women's aid will support you in all ways - legally, practically, emotionally. They are the experts and have the power. Yay for women's aid! When you start your fab job and start earning some proper money, you can make a donation to them - win/win

I'm worried I might've made this sound worse than it is. I don't know. I've never been in a good relationship so have nothing to compare it to.
I'm thinking of sending the link to this thread to the women's aid email address.
Thank you everyone.

A good relationship enhances your life; a bad one sucks all of the joy out of it.

An abusive relationship can have you in fear of your life, or cause you to be grateful for whatever small crumbs of kindness your abuser shows you.

Fwiw, don't count on automatically being eligible for legal aid as evidence of dv is required before it's granted.

Are you hoping women's aid will just not respond? And then you can settle to your lot again until you get back to the same level of unhappiness? Sending the link is very passive.

It is bad. Being unhappy (leaving aside whether it's an abusive relationship or not) is a good enough reason to part.

Betty

He is an abuser, not just a miserable git?.,

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, did you see similar as a child too?. It appears that no-one ever bothered to show you what a healthy relationship actually is.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, what are they learning from the two of you here?. Your son could all too easily become a carbon copy of his abusive father in years to come.

You are being abused emotionally as well as financially; this is all about power and control and this individual wants absolute over you.

ALL your words are those of an abused woman even down to feeling confused. This man has done you great emotional harm and he is hurting his children too by treating you like this. All this man cares about is him; no-one else and that includes these children as well.

Couples counselling is a complete non-starter the colour pink; it is NEVER recommended where there is abuse within the relationship. Even if he did attend sessions (unlikely) he would bamboozle the counsellor and make it all out to be Betty's fault.

Betty - do talk to Womens Aid; their number is 0808 2000 247.

It is hard to be more than just passive because you've become ground down to accept all this and more as your lot in life not from just him but perhaps your family of origin as well.

Do not send this to WA; speak to them instead. Being passive will not help you now. You will get far more immediate help if you do speak to them and they can and will help you. Once you have made the first, often the hardest of steps, to climb out of the hole he has dug for you, it will become easier.

I just thought it would be easier to email as I can't really phone them. I've been busy looking at my options and applying for jobs this morning. I'm not hoping WA will ignore the email. I'm hoping for some advice.
Dh did bamboozle the counsellor with how everything's my fault. It was just horrible he seems to have so much ammunition a stacked up which he fires off and speed whenever he feels under threat. The counsellor just sat there and didn't say a word. Such a waste of money and time.

Couples counselling with an abusive partner is very bad idea, for the reasons that you have shown.

The therapist was clearly out of their depth.

I don't think you're making it sound worse than it is. In fact, I think it's worse than you realise because you've never been in a good relationship.