I'm so unhappy being married.

[Bettybooby]

I'm feeling ever so hopeless
Dh and I haven't been intimate for about a year now. I think he has some underlying hate for me. He's always picking at me telling me off, bossing me around. He puts me down in snide ways and just doesn't make me happy. I'm always trying to over compensate by being extra happy but it's wearing me down.
I met up with an old male friend recently.. nothing happened. Although it was a boost to my confidence as he told me I looked beautiful and all that kind of nice stuff I hadn't heard for so long. Nothing will ever happen between us but it really made me realise I deserve more in life.
I tried leaving dh before but he got so nasty and demanded he had the dc's in a way which felt threatening.
I believe he's only with me because he doesn't want to be apart from the dc's.
We have separate rooms and hardly talk.
I wouldn't cope financially without him.
I feel so trapped.
What can I do?

It will take WA around 5 working days to respond to your e-mail, you cannot spare that time honestly because your need for help now is that urgent.

This is from their website:-
"The National Domestic Violence Helpline can only offer limited information by email as we don't have the resources to provide in-depth information in this way".

You really do need to call them and today as well.
Does he go out leaving you on your own?. You need to plan your exit from him before he takes your children down with him as well.

Presumably as well it was all his idea to move to where you reside now as well. He has made you and by turn any children you have his prisoner.

What was your own childhood like OP: were you groomed by your family to accept this as your lot in life as well?.

Ok I will phone them if I get a chance today. I just wonder if I'm being silly because it's more like the love has just died out. No respect is left. He doesn't tell me I can't go anywhere. It's just like we just don't care anymore. He's patronising - I do feel like I'm being treated like a child.
My childhood was pretty good until my parents divorced when I was a teen and I went a bit off the rails!

You can email WA to give them your contact details and a safe time to call. It's very hard to get through during the day (think about that, op - you are not the only one in this situation...). If you got in touch with the Freedom Programme facilitator and left a message, she will get back to you (specify safe times to call). It takes a few days but it's a way to get the ball rolling.

Have a look at Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'. You may be able to get it at the library, order it in. If you can get to a library.. I know you can't order it off Amazon bcs you don't have any money...

Op, this is worse than you think at the moment.

If you want to email this link - probably bcs you can't think of the words to describe what you're going through - try to compose a covering letter to the email. It's hard to put into words but try.

Keep paying, we're here for you. Plenty of us have been through this xx

Keep posting!

I just wonder if I'm being silly because it's more like the love has just died out. No respect is left. He doesn't tell me I can't go anywhere

This is not what a relationship looks like where love has died. This is what an abusive relationship looks like.

He doesn't have to tell you you can't go anywhere, first of all because you're already isolated by being in a rural area with no buses when you can't drive, secondly you have no access to money you can't book a taxi.

A normal husband would encourage you to learn to drive.

He has said for a long time I "should" drive but we can't afford it. He would prefer me to be the breadwinner -he hates going out to work. Although he does, he doesn't make enough and has no intention of making more even though he could as he's too lazy. I had no motivation to work as id just hand over the wages to him. However I've now realised its more than money its independence and doing something for myself, meeting people, being who I really am and not feeling trapped.
I'll get the child benefit put into my account for a start.

So you do earn money then Betty? And give it to him. You don't have any access to money except via him? He berates you 3 times for wasting (what sounds like) a small amount of food and he has a go at you for spending £7 not £6 like you said. And the MN collective didn't think this was financial abuse? I think you may have picked an off day. This is not normal.

You have your own account. Can you get your wages paid into that? What do you think he would do/say if you suggested that (or just did it)?

Sorry I mean if I did work I would hand the wages over. I never have money!

Some posters here are naive about abuse, and some posters take things very much at face value.

If you said that you were crap with money so your husband controls it, posters may have taken that at face value and failed to suss what was really going on.

Either that or they were just wrong.

I highly doubt you're crap with money actually, I think that's his brainwashing. It's a fairly standard line from abusive men. He claims that so he can justify controlling the money.

That's how he likes it. He funds your prison cell - but only just! He makes it very, very clear he begrudges it and won't earn a penny more to 'keep' you. You who wastes his 'hard-earned' money. You who is a booby.

How does he spend his 'hard-earned' ( ) money, Betty? What's his car like, his clothes? Does he go out to buy clothes when he wants, just bcs? Does he run it by you what he does with his money? Or does he do just what he likes with his money and it's none of your business.

While you live off child benefit, with no other income at all. Unless you ask your dad. Who begrudges it and drags it out and berates you for every penny you've spent - literally.

Betty, an unpaid servant is a slave.

There is a massive difference betwen being careful with money, living to a budget, but both partners still having a few £ to spend as they wish without being made to account for it or feel guilty, and what you describe. he is not worried about the money, he is just about controlling very aspect of the OPs life and this grinds you down.

OP, please be brave and take steps to get away. Help is out there. You deserve so much more and so do your DC.

I remember your previous post op and I was shocked so many posters said you weren't in an abusive relationship. I'm glad you've opened your own account you definitely need to get the child benefit put in your own account.
You need to run from this man.

If there's any way clear his account and move closer to this new job.

Oh no! Do you mean you don't even get the child benefit?? That you literally don't have one penny??

Yep literally nothing. I write down what food we need for the day and he gets it for me. Sometimes I go with him. Nothing is allowed that's not on the list.
He sees it as helping as he's obsessed with saving money.
He's extremely frugal he never buys anything for himself. Apart from booze. And he doesn't run that by me to check it's alright.
Recently I came in to a bit of money. It wasn't that much but I felt I'd won the lottery. I spend a quarter on food to help out. I got a couple of Xmas presents to help too. The rest I spent on clothing. It was brilliant. That's how I got to travel to see my friend.
Dh was livid when I told him the money had run out. He couldn't understand why I hadn't helped with bills as that's all he does with his money.
He was hoping we'd pay for a deposit on a holiday with it and told dc's we won't be going on holiday because mummy spent all the money on clothes.
I felt terrible about that. We needed those things I bought though.
I think his latest run of resentment stems from that.

Springydaffs I have a grand total of 34 pennies

What do you think now it's written down in black and white?

Don't you find all this rather alarming? That a grown woman has to give her husband a list of what's needed for that day? That she can't get it herself bcs she has no car, has no money to learn to drive let alone buy a car, can't even afford the bus? (You didn't answer whose idea it was to live in such an isolated spot btw - yours or your husband's?) That he uses the children to abuse you and, at the same time, is abusing the children into the bargain.

What do you think of all this?

Ok, OP, let's assume you are terribly wasteful with money and he is entirely right. So what! You are miserable in this relationship and that is no way to live.

When I was young I had a partner who was very good at managing money and considered me wasteful, so I let him take over all our financial affairs. When we split up we had considerable savings and I got through my half of the savings in a very short space of time. But I quickly learnt how to manage my money after a while of working in shit jobs with nothing to show for it. And I never starved or ended up homeless.

You are an adult and you would do anything to make sure that your children don't go hungry

It was his idea to move here. I wasn't sure at first and expressed my misery shortly after moving. I gradually came to accept it.
It isn't normal is it.
I'm hiding today, said I felt ill. He has no idea of what's going through my head. I try to sleep to block out what's happening. I switch from thinking everything will be ok and I'm imagining it to 'we have to split up'.
I'll feel better once I've taken the first step and told him.

I don't think telling him is a good idea. He will try and trap you and the abuse will escalate.

It would be better to speak to WA in detail, formulate a plan for leaving with the children. Once you've got the plans together you can go quietly.

If I were you I would go to your GP and flag the abuse with them. This will help create a paper trail. It may help you get legal aid for divorce. But don't tell the GP you're thinking about divorcing yet, they can be a bit funny if women first inform them abuse at the same time as wanting their support for legal aid for divorce.

If you have any mental health issues as a result of your husband's control, you can ask for some therapy on the NHS. This will also help qualify for legal aid.

Oh Betty . He's done a real number on you. I agree with other posters I bet you aren't as bad with money as you think you are. It sounded like you spent that money you came in to wisely. A balance of necessities, something nice for the children, clothes (which sound like they fall into the necessity bracket here rather than spend it on yourself type money) and seeing a friend. He just wants to control what you spend money on. Seriously, in a normal relationship no-one would begrudge that.

And the writing down what food you need for the day and nothing else allowed on the list is seriously scary stuff. If money was extremely tight, I could understand that but it sounds like there are savings (probably all in his name too).

The fact you have 34p to your name is proof of what he is doing to you. Please please please think about ringing Women's aid. There is so much advice they could give that we can't. And agree with Twinklestein don't tell him anything and go to your GP.

No, don't tell him. You really mustnt, Betty. You are trapped where you are and he has all the power.

Normal rules don't apply in a situation like this. Eg in a normal relationship you would respectfully inform your partner you want to split. But this isn't a normal relationship - he has effectively cut you off from everything, cut off your basic human rights. It's hard to accept but he meant to do that. This is exactly how he wants it: you completely powerless, completely dependent on him. I'm not surprised you sleep all the time, it's the only time you're free

So don't tell him. He will do everything to stop you, using techniques he's used to get you to the place you are now. When you meet ppl from eg women's aid, freedom programme, you will see much more clearly the situation you are in and what he has done to you. If you can get along to the Freedom Programme you will meet ordinary woman just like you and I, as shocked and disbelieving as you feel now.

Day at a time, love. You can start planning things but you don't have to act, or do anything, until you are ready.

Keep posting xx

Today I took the plunge and told him. I know some of you said to do it through WA but I thought it would be better to be honest with him.
He was very hurt and upset. I admit I felt bad but I just know it can't go on.
He has now said he will not under any circumstances leave our home.
He said if I'm the one with the problem then I must leave and let the dc's stay with him!
He said its up to me where I want this to go now but he isn't leaving.
So .. Still trapped.

He said he's willing to put on a brave face for the dc's as their happiness is more important than his.
He said we could separate but live together. I'd be in exactly the same position as I am now!

I don't know what to say to you betty

I can see how trapped and isolated you are which makes it so difficult for you. Could you at least get your driving licence? I know it's going to take time but at least then you'd have a way out? And definitely get the child benefit money in your account.

And