I'm so unhappy being married.

[Bettybooby]

I'm feeling ever so hopeless
Dh and I haven't been intimate for about a year now. I think he has some underlying hate for me. He's always picking at me telling me off, bossing me around. He puts me down in snide ways and just doesn't make me happy. I'm always trying to over compensate by being extra happy but it's wearing me down.
I met up with an old male friend recently.. nothing happened. Although it was a boost to my confidence as he told me I looked beautiful and all that kind of nice stuff I hadn't heard for so long. Nothing will ever happen between us but it really made me realise I deserve more in life.
I tried leaving dh before but he got so nasty and demanded he had the dc's in a way which felt threatening.
I believe he's only with me because he doesn't want to be apart from the dc's.
We have separate rooms and hardly talk.
I wouldn't cope financially without him.
I feel so trapped.
What can I do?

Thank you
I'll keep working towards financial independence and getting that driving licence.
I could see if he will go to mediation.
I was silly to assume he would happily move out and we'd all be happy.
I'm sure he's still in shock and denial.

Hurt and upset he is really not. Like many such abusive types as well he has refused to leave the marital home. He is unhappy simply because he may well lose all the control and power he has over you. He will do and say anything to keep you in line.

If anyone leaves it is him; you need to seek legal advice re getting him out asap. He does not give a fig for his children either.

Mediation will be a waste of time because abusive men like him do not and actually never co-operate. Mediation relies on both parties co-operating; he will clearly not do that.

I think sometimes it's not quite as simple as "LTB".

It was certainly difficult for me and I was in a much stronger position than you. At least if you have a goal in mind you can work towards that. I don't know if this is the best advice but I really do understand just how difficult it is for you.

People become conditioned in abusive relationships and do not know which way is up. Abuse is insidious in its onset and many do not realise the full extent of the abuse suffered perhaps until they are out of the relationship altogether.

It is never that easy to leave but its going to become far worse for the OP (and by turn her children as well) if she did stay. I cannot see her at present being given any financial independence let alone being able to drive (he will sabotage her attempts to do so).

I think springys right. It would be the easiest route. It's the fact that you're so isolated that makes everything so difficult.

If you don't feel ready for that (yet) then at least get your ducks in a row. Ideally try and get some money behind you - easier said than done I know. ..

I'm pretty sure I'll be employed soon. I can just build up what I can and gradually become more and more independent. He knows now that I do not love him. Once you say something like that you can't really go back.

Maybe he just doesn't care though? I was married to someone like that. Still am technically.

Try and build up a "going away fund". I dont know how easy that will be, given that you have to account for every penny, but if you can then do try that.

And post on here for support (or pm me if you want?). I know it took me years and numerous threads before I finally left so I do appreciate how hard it can be. The thing is that it's not "that bad" a lot of the time so you just carry on. And on! Making that leap is scary. But once it's done it's also exhilarating and liberating. But you do need to be ready.

Love, you're going to find out the hard way it was a mistake to tell him first.

How are you going to get to your job? Are you dependent on him for a lift? Money for bus fares? Just see how he will sabotage everything that is important to you. How things will get MUCH worse for you.

It was a huge mistake to tell him. Now he'll be watching out, he'll be hiding all financial papers etc. You think you're dealing with a normal person - you are not.

Get on to women's aid as soon as possible. They are the experts, perhaps you'll listen to them? I hope so.

If anyone leaves it is him. Normally I would agree, but unless you have a preference for living in an isolated spot, it might be better all round for you and the children to move out.

If you listen to the experts and take their advice you could be out of there in days/weeks not months and months. You don't have to do all this yourself, clawing your way out of a deep pit (dug by him) by your fingernails: there is support in place and funding specifically targeted to rescue people like you and your kids, supporting you financially and practically until you get on your feet.

I could see if he will go to mediation

Very bad idea. He will do exactly what he did in joint counselling: steamroller you.

Springy's right, now you've told him you must be prepared for him to sabotage everything. Your job, getting around, instructions to the children. He will oppose you simply for the sake of it.

And, like I said before, it was a lot easier for me. I have a good job, lots of people around me, my own car etc.

You need to be able to drive and you need a support network so if you can concentrate on that.

Sorry it took me a while to hit "post" there.

springys right. As hard as it is I really can't think of any better advice to offer.

You need to leave to a town city so you can get a job. You not hoing to learn to drive staying there. So yes you leave with dc. Talk it thru with women's aid.

I doubt hes in shock and denial, I think its far more likely hes thinking that you have no way to leave and hes waiting for it all to blow over and for you to shrink back into the background like you did last time.

Time for tough love I'm afraid Bettybooby

Nothing will change in your life unless you actively make that change. Sitting by, posting on here, making excuses will change nothing.

You have had some really good advice in this thread and I can only see you making excuses. An 0800 is free! you have nothing to loose.

Now come on! You cannot live the rest of your life like this or subject your children to it. No one deserves the type of treatment you have described.

Hi Betty I got over the hump of re-setting my password after hacker-gate to respond to this (I know it's taken me ages...) second those questioning if you're bad with money - it is very likely a way for him to justify his financial abuse - an adult who has to account for every penny and has their movements and freedoms curtailed in this way due to lack of money is being financially abused in my book.

Good that you're recognising how unhappy you are and that keeping up a cheery façade is not helping (before long you'll be too ground down to do even that you poor love).

• Good also that you're taking steps to rebuild your career.
• Great that you've made contact with Women's Aid, I know what it's like when you're twisted with anxiety ad even making a phone call seems daunting, so an email with a link to this IS a good start.

Baby-steps, gradually getting bigger as you get more ducks in a row and more confidence, and Women's Aid will be able to help you a lot with practicalities, and you'll get there in the end X

He said we could separate but live together. I'd be in exactly the same position as I am now!

Actually, that is a not a completely terrible idea. You file for divorce, then you live together until the financials are sorted and the house is sold. Grim way to live for a few months but it is certainly not exactly the same position as you are in now.

Please remember, you do not need his permission to divorce, you do not need his permission to move the child benefit to your own account, you do not have to move out, you do not have to leave your children. He is not master of the universe.

See a lawyer as soon as you can. Get copies of financial paperwork as soon as you can. Get a job and keep all the money.

How old are the DC?