A few questions for those women whose husbands work away from home.

[bramblina]

My dh works away for about 5 days and is home about 2 per week, usually. We have a ds who is 15 months and we're considering no. 2 now, but I'm just wondering how hard it will all be- from pregnancy to babyhood and toddlerdom, I know it's all very different for everyone but I'm just trying to get an insight.
Ds is and has always been a very good baby, on the whole. My pregnancy was pretty good, but when I really think I wonder how I'll manage with the morning sickness and tiredness etc. Then when we do have a baby and a toddler and it's just me, how hard or easy will it be?
PIL live close but I don't like to rely on anyone, it's our job so I don't ever ask anyone to look after ds. Dh is pretty good, but when he's home there's always plenty for him to catch up on so time always seems limited. I could go on and on but I know I'm starting to think too much already, and I'm sure you understand what I'm trying to ask...

Personal situations please...?

you need to sart askin mil for hlep
why kill youself?
mum an\ i were talking abotu this
she says ( dad was away a lot when i was a kid) that she did less than we do "nowadasys" but still felt bed time was harda dn id agree.

id get the option of a couple of mornign s a week in a nursery fro ds too before the baby comes ( if you can afford it) so oyu ge some time to recover.

aslo ask your mil to come over to help wiht tea and bed - i knwo a lot of mums woud LOVE to be asked ( my mum woudl be fomr my SIL) and other mners woudl love to have mums nearby

and aslo LOVELY for ds to haev a cute realations hip wiht his granny

I agree with the nursery thing - if you can't afford it, you can wait till your elder child would be eligible for the free nursery thing (think around age 3)

and honestly, everyone worries about how they will manage with no.2

agree that if you get on with PIL, don't see it as relying on them, they are just extra hands to help - they may look forward the time they spend with ds while you get a break!

Hi bramblina - my DH also works away 4 dys a week and has since before my DD1 was born (now 5) and through to now, and we have DD2 (2 yrs). I also work full time and would highly recommend it. I actually found it easier in a bizzare sort of way as DD1 was 3 when DD2 was born, so I had someone to interact with rather than just a lovely, cute baby that doesn't do a great deal to start with iygwim!. I am a very organised person and love routines which I believe is key - but the weekends are great - I always the lie ins and DD1 & 2 adore each other. If you go fot it now the age gap would be very similiar. Hope this helps. .

I'm afraid I'm of the thinking if I have children then I should look after them. I do not want to go back to work, I want to raise my children, and also think along these lines with regard to mil having ds, fair enough now and again but feel it's my job. I didn't think I had a thing with "pride" but now I write this I'm reconsidering. (hope not to offend anyone of opposite thinking here, it's just my opinion) I see what you're syaing southsea I actually think often it would be easier now for me to work than be at home but I don't want the easy route, I want what I feel is best. I think I have strong feelings about this because dh is away- ds only has 1 full time parent as it is, if I went to work he'd hardly see me either. IYSWIM. Please don't take offence at this.
Nursery idea a good thought but we live 10 miles on country roads from nursery and here it's only for 2.5 hrs per day, by the time I got home I'd have to turn round and go back! Hardly worht the bother.
I agree I guess everyone worries and it's probably like when you have the 1st you wonder how it will change things, and you do just forget the hard parts, I'm just wondering if it's as hard as I'm imagining or is it actually easier than the 1st???
Does anyone else have a similar situation?

I've got four dc and a dh who worked away for two weeks at a time for most of their childhood. Somehow we got through! We didn't have any family close by so I think the most important thing is to make sure you have a safety net for emergencies eg one of the children being ill or you being ill and so on. It gives you a lot of peace of mind.

Also, try to remember that from 4pm-7pm each evening is bedlam in all houses with children, not just yours!

Bramblina, I understand.
I have 3 (one is a baby) and its chaotic to say the least. Dh comes and goes sometimes for weeks, and I have a small business I run locally.
May look for a teenager to help with manic tea and bathtime bit
Parents not much help but there in emergency, in laws as useful as a chocolate teapot.
In truth, I thrive on the chaos, we are disorganised, often late, busy and noisy but I LOVE it and as they are older such good fun to be with on those long evenings.
(She said, mopping brow and downing the wine having wrestled the last one into bed)

Nice when they get a bit older isnt it suedonim ?

bramblina

Dh doesn't work away from home, but has very long days (average 6am - 8/9pm) so a lot of child raising issues have been left up to me. (although we always fully discuss them) Our ds is 19mths old, and we are expecting baby 2 in April. Like yourself, I had great pregnancy with ds, and he is such a good boy (sleeps through the night, good eater etc..) This time round has been hard, but mainly down to the fact that I have a very active toddler iyswim, and I always seem to feel tired.
I understand your point about "if I have children then I should look after them" True, but if you have a good relationship with your pil, I'm sure they will see it as a treat to look after their gs.
Remember that you are not the only parent. Maybe talk to dh about how you are feeling. If you decided to go for number 2, then maybe reach a compromise that if you start to feel too alone with parenting, he finds a job closer to home.

My dad has worked away from home for over 30 years, whilst my mum raised me and my sister. Even now she says she never gets to used to it, she never likes it, but she manages because dad loves his job

IKWYM with the pride thing Bramblina. My DH works away for weeks at a time (currently been away since mid september, but has managed 2 trips home, one for a week and one for 4 days) and i hate asking for help.

I think this is partl because i feel asking for help is doing DH's 'dirty work' for him - (why should I end up feeling beholden to PIL when it is HIM who is not here?) and also because i feel it is my job - I am their mother (3 dds) and it is my responsibility.

However, with 3 dds (at 2 different schools plus playgroups etc)in the run up to Christmas (always busy) and a large dog and having just written off the car...well perhaps I am being silly and should just put my hand up and say "HELP!"

In the end, my children can have a very grumpy, sad and bitter mother who 'copes' on her own whilst waiting for the medal that no one will ever give her, OR, a happier mother who blags help off anyone and everyone. I am currently in the process of morphing from put-upon-martyr to better-example-to-my-daughters.

I'll swing for them if they ever marry anyone with the same lack of work/life balance as their father - but I'd be so very upset if they felt they couldn't ask for help if they did.

Emmylou, that's tough ! I have always said I will come back as a man next time!

Hi Bramblina - I'm in a similar situation to you. DH is away 4 or 5 days every week. We have one dd, 9.5 months, who has been extremely hard work (for a number of reasons that aren't really relevant here). We have no family close by, or friends near enough to be of any help (we pretty much live in the middle of nowhere). We have just begun trying for number 2, and I have no idea how I will cope, but I will (assuming we are lucky enough to conceive again - took us a few years first time around).

I just accept that my house will always be a mess and my life will be chaos!

I think I will follow the advice given to put DD into nursery for a day or so a week when I can (not an option for us at present as she won't drink milk from anything except my breasts!).

MrsNoah. Mind you, now it's just dd at home I have to keep her amused, sigh....

Thank goodness for sites like this eh?

bramblina no worries - no offence taken, all I wanted to say is that two is not double trouble, well wasn't for us/me anyway and is great for DD1 to have a sister and playmate. I hope you make the right decision and agree with sudonim about having a safety net around for emergencies - good luck

Don't know if I'd want to come back as a man though (nice shoes, cups of tea and a chat whilst ignoring children - the pleasures of life!) My DH works very hard but has just lost sight of what is important.

I think Bramblina, so long as your DH 'connects' well with the family when he IS home and can listen and be supportive, then you will be OK.

With needy children baying at my heels all the time, it's hard for me to lose sight of the kitchen let alone what's important

brambalina do you not hitnk your kids haev the right to be cherished by your pils

htink you are tking eroponsiblity too far
" ita takes a village to raise a child you knwo"

Bramblina,my dh has worked abroad for nearly 6 years (since dd was 7 mths old)
In the meantime we have had another child (born when dd was 31/2 and moved house.I do some freelance work now as well as studying for an MSc as I gave up work 21/2 years ago to be with my children and to spend time abroad with my dh.

If I am brutally honest,it has nearly killed me.
I can't envisage having been able to copeif the gap was smaller.
(My dh is away for 6 weeks at a time.)

In fact it has done me in so much that they are both now in f/t school/nursery/childminder in order for me to recover before I return to my old job in the spring.

(I do however set very high standards for myself re the state of the house and so on...)

wells et em lowers fgs! if dh isnt there then let your hosue be alittl euntidy and rescue your kdis form mursery!

god you and bambalina needs your ehads knocked together

Ill tell you moondog ti sgoes soooooooooooo fast

but thats notsome oen who retrurns at weekends moondy
brmbalin is there nay chance foyo moving into a town
once kids start shcool living int he sticks will alienate you mroe

2 kids really isnt the hARDest hting int he world
god its easy when they are tiny
wait tillyou have to start ferrying htem around every evening

Very true.
I wouldn't be half dead like I am were this the case.

No don't move to the arse end of nowhere Bramblina.
You need folk around you.

Oh Moondog

Maybe the key is to have lots of relatives and friends to help keep your head above water.
Keep busy and plan to meet adults often and get out of the house. Sod the cleaning !
It was damn hard though.
I do maintain though, if you can get thru the first few years by whatever means necessary then it DOES get easier.

Cod,doesn't your little kid go to nursery???

I tell ya,when you're spent 18 months holed up in a flat with noone but your kids for company and a dh away for 12 hours a day,you need some time alone.